by J. D. Dobson
“Convertible” currency should mean currency that you can trade in to the central bank for a convertible car. Or currency that has a convertible printed on it. Or currency that you can only use for transactions while you’re in a convertible. But that aside, convertible currency sounds amazing. I would almost always rather have a tiny gold pebble than a dollar bill. Are there any other benefits to the gold standard?
It helps control inflation, since the amount of money in the economy is limited by the amount of gold in the country’s vaults. But there are also some downsides.
Well, of course. Like, what happens if a super villain steals all the country’s gold? Doesn’t the currency then lose all value?
It sounds like you’re ready to start on your economics dissertation! Actually, the main downside is that your rate of economic growth is restricted by the size of your gold reserves. If you want to add 50,000 jobs to your economy, you have to acquire enough gold to back enough new dollar bills to pay those workers. And you’re probably not mining gold that fast!
That sounds like a mining problem, not a currency problem. Other than lazy, unproductive miners, why did the gold standard become so controversial in the 19th century?
During the Civil War, the U.S. government wanted to spend more money than its precious metal holdings permitted (don’t we all!), so it started printing “fiat” money that wasn’t really backed by anything except for “come on guys, we’re the U.S. government.” This fiat money was controversial, for the same reason that you’d have some questions if the IRS paid your tax refund in polka-dotted bills that said “United Statez of America.” Sure, it’s coming from the government, but is it “real” money? Will stores accept it? So a lot of people wanted the U.S. to return to a “bimetallic” gold-and-silver standard after the war. For decades, this was a central issue in presidential elections.
Zzzzz … what, huh? Oh, sorry, I fell asleep there for a second. It sounds like those must have been some really riveting presidential debates.
Well, people had a lot fewer entertainment options back then.
I do have one question before we wrap up. Why gold? It doesn’t seem like it has any more inherent value than paper, since it isn’t actually good for anything useful. Why not iron or copper or something?
Because gold is shiny and yellow and very scarce.
Those are dumb criteria. I have a new plan. Copper has inherent value, because it’s used for wiring. So let’s back currency with copper. But to make sure copper is scarce, we’ll need to destroy most it. Maybe by launching it on a giant rocket into the sun.
Actually, now that I think about it, that sounds complicated.
Well, monetary policy is pretty complicated. But on the plus side, a project to launch most of the Earth’s copper into the sun would create a lot of jobs.
GROVER CLEVELAND
AGAIN
1893–1897 | Democrat
Have you ever broken up with a guy and then started dating Benjamin Harrison, but later thought, “Hey, maybe that first guy wasn’t so bad after all”? Then you know exactly how America felt about Grover Cleveland.
By serving as both the 22nd and 24th president, Grover Cleveland has forever ruined all attempts to number the presidents. But we refuse to devote a second chapter of this book to Grover Cleveland’s life story—that’s exactly what he wants us to do. Instead we’re going to use this space to make a list of romantic fantasies involving Grover Cleveland.
USE THIS LIST ON FIRST DATES TO WEED OUT PEOPLE WHO DON’T SHARE YOUR INTEREST IN PRESIDENTIAL HISTORY.
TOP 12
Fantasies involving GROVER CLEVELAND
1 Having sex with him two nonconsecutive times.
2 He puts on nothing but his SHERIFF’S STAR; you go on a crime spree in downtown Buffalo.
3 Something involving his MUSTACHE.
4 You read him a list of your romantic fantasies, and he vetoes all of them.
5 Challenging him to a game of STRIP POKER. But instead of stripping off your clothes, you take turns stripping paint off of an old piece of furniture. (Follow this up with a game of “applying wood stain poker.”)
6 You are the submissive; he is the dominant. But he believes in reducing EXECUTIVE POWER, so he doesn’t give you any commands or try to dominate you. Eventually, you fall asleep.
7 Having sex on the shoulder of the highway under a “YOU ARE NOW ENTERING CLEVELAND” sign.
8 ROLE PLAY: He plays himself, as president of the United States, and you play the woman he’s had involuntarily committed to an asylum. You’re going to need a straightjacket and a padded room. DO NOT just duct-tape pillows to the walls — you’re going to need actual asylum-grade padding.
9 ROLE PLAY: He plays himself, as the 22nd president of the United States. You play him also, but as the 24th president, wearing a big fake mustache … and nothing else. (Well, you can wear a top hat, but nothing other than that!)
10 ROLE PLAY: He plays anyone you want, because he’s a skilled impersonator and does great impressions of his contemporaries in politics.
11 Having a THREE-WAY with Grover Cleveland and the current mayor of Buffalo.*
12 Listening politely while he TALKS ABOUT TARIFFS.
*716-851-4841
WILLIAM MCKINLEY
1897–1901 | Republican
When you find out that your spouse is very sick, it’s tempting to lock him or her in the attic and then cover it up by telling people that the screaming coming from your attic is just a squirrel and don’t worry about it. But that’s just not William McKinley’s style.
After McKinley’s wife developed epilepsy, he cared for her with such tireless devotion that you can’t help but fall in love with him and want to break up his marriage. That would be hard to do, though, because Ida McKinley is always at her husband’s side. (She’s really clingy like that. You would be so much better for him!) Ida would sometimes have seizures at parties or (ahem) inaugurations, but McKinley would just cover her face with a napkin and everyone would carry on as if it were totally normal for the president to smother the First Lady with a napkin.
William McKinley is a good guy, and he’s proof that sometimes nice guys finish first. (If getting elected president and then being assassinated counts as “finishing first.”)
Favorite Pickup Line
“I’d like to crucify you on my cross of gold, if you know what I mean.”
(AUTHORS’ NOTE): No one knows what he means.)
McKinley defied convention by insisting that his wife be seated next to him at state dinners. This only made state dinners even more romantic.
Why You’ll Love Him
He wears a red carnation in his lapel for luck, and often gives it away to little girls. This is so adorable and charming that you don’t need more reasons to love William McKinley. But you are going to get them anyway!
He annexed Hawaii. If not for McKinley, we would all be honeymooning in Arizona.
He stopped a mob from killing his assassin. After McKinley was shot, an angry mob attacked the gunman. But McKinley called them off, because he’s a better man than you. (This is especially true if you are not a man.)
He used to have a mountain named after him. In 1896, a gold prospector in Alaska spotted a towering peak, called “Denali” by the local Koyukon people, and decided to rename it Mt. McKinley, using the authorities vested in him as a gold prospector. But what a grizzled frontier prospector can giveth, the president of the United States can taketh away. In 2015 Barack Obama, cravenly pandering to the Koyukon vote, returned Mt. McKinley to its old name of Denali. During his presidential campaign Donald Trump promised to change it back to Mt. McKinley, because he is definitely not pandering to the Koyukon vote.
Timeline: The Assassination of William McKinley
SEPTEMBER 6, 1901
McKinley is shot by an anarchist in Buffalo, New York. Some legends claim that as he collapsed, he gasped, “The prophecy is complete.”
SEPTEMBER 10, 1901
While McKinley is being treated, Vice President Teddy Roosevelt goes camping in the Adirondacks because, what the heck, why not?
SEPTEMBER 14, 1901
McKinley dies from his wounds. Roosevelt rushes to Buffalo to be sworn in. While there, he checks to see if buffalo wings have been invented yet. (They have not.)
REMEMBER THE MAINE?
No? Well, the USS Maine was a U.S. battleship sent to Cuba during turmoil between the Cubans and the Spanish Empire. It blew up and sank, and many Americans blamed Spain. Congress decided to “declare war,” which is something Congress used to do when the U.S. went to war with another country. Here are some fun facts to help you remember the Maine.
It was named after a U.S. state called Maine.
It was built as part of a naval arms race between the U.S. and Brazil. Presumably the U.S. eventually won this arms race, although we can’t say we’ve actually checked.
The Maine is best known for blowing up. So in that respect, it’s similar to the Death Star.
Pop QUIZ
McKinley pushed hard for the Tariff Act of 1890, raising import duties on tin plates and other items. Would this be good for you? Take this short quiz to find out.
YES
NO
Are you the kind of person who buys a lot of tinware? (As opposed to the other kind of person, who buys a huge amount of tinware.)
Are you a domestic tinware manufacturer?
Do you own or work in a tin mine?
Are you the tin man?
Answer: Your responses are irrelevant. The Tariff Act of 1890 would have been good for you because, candidly, you’ve been buying too much tinware.
WHEN HE WAS YOUNG
McKinley dropped out of college twice and never graduated, which means that dropping out of college is a proven route for reaching the White House. (He was also a wealthy attorney, which admittedly is a more proven route.)
Vital Stats
Looks: 5
Just look at that cleft chin. You could fit a quarter in there! And you can stash the rest of your money in his eyebrows. Now you don’t have to carry a purse!
Physique: 7
McKinley’s family was in the ironworking business, so he’s probably hiding a muscled, sooty body under all those layers of tuxedo.
Charisma: 8
Everybody loves William McKinley! Everybody except for that one assassin.
Looks like a villain in Titanic: 7
He’s no Billy Zane, but he still looks like someone who’d order his manservant to hit you with an oar to make room on the life raft. If you’re into that kind of thing!
SPECIAL INVESTIGATION:
WHICH PRESIDENTS ARE ALSO
SEXY VAMPIRES?
Due to anti-vampire and anti-sexiness prejudices, few presidents have included “My fellow Americans, it is time to reveal that I am a super-sexy vampire” in their inaugural addresses. But that doesn’t mean that none of them were! Join us as we conduct a thorough, in-depth, well-researched investigation into which presidents might have been sexy vampires.
John Adams
Vampire Sexy
Based on this portrait, Adams appears to be a prepubescent boy dressed up in a powdered wig and breeches. But the other Founding Fathers probably wouldn’t have let a child sign the Declaration of Independence, so by process of elimination we conclude that Adams is actually hundreds of years old, but frozen in perpetual childhood by the dark gift of vampirism.
Thomas Jefferson
Vampire Sexy
Have you ever wondered why there are a lot of paintings of Thomas Jefferson, but no photographs? It’s probably because he is a vampire.
James Madison
Vampire Sexy
Don’t be fooled by his all-black wardrobe. People who wear all black are not necessarily mysterious and dangerous, no matter what nuns would have you believe.
James K. Polk
Vampire Sexy
Doesn’t it seem odd that Polk was so determined to secure control of the cloudy, rainy, sunless Pacific Northwest?
Andrew Jackson
Vampire Sexy
Andrew Jackson is only bloodthirsty in the metaphorical sense. He would never actually drink anyone’s blood, except maybe on a particularly hot and muggy day, or out of boredom.
Millard Fillmore
Vampire Sexy
These days, sexy vampire Millard Fillmore goes by the name “Alec Baldwin.” Eventually “Alec Baldwin” will “die,” and 50 or 100 years later he’ll show up again in some new guise. Maybe next time he’ll have a cool hat!
James A. Garfield
Vampire Sexy
Take a few minutes to stare into the eyes of James Garfield. Do you feel like you’re drifting into a soft, beardy dream? That is just a distant echo of James Garfield’s full vampiric powers. If you were staring into his eyes in person, you would have already taken your clothes off.
Theodore Roosevelt
Vampire Sexy
Theodore Roosevelt is not a vampire. He is living forever, hidden deep in the Adirondack Mountains, for a different reason entirely.
Richard Nixon
Vampire Sexy
We don’t think Richard Nixon is a vampire. But it’s probably not for lack of trying.
Ronald Reagan
Vampire Sexy
“It’s morning in America” is exactly the kind of campaign slogan a vampire would use, because he thinks it sounds positive and optimistic, because he doesn’t remember what mornings are actually like.
Barack Obama
Vampire Sexy
We know Barack Obama isn’t secretly an ageless, timeless vampire, because we know for a fact that he was born in Hawaii in 1961. We know this because as it turns out, if your name is Barack Obama and you’re black, you have to produce a birth certificate to prove you were born in America. But we think Obama should at least consider becoming a vampire.
THEODORE ROOSEVELT
1901–1909 | Republican
Wake up! You just fainted from all the manly pheromones that were released into the air when you turned to this page about Theodore Roosevelt. Also, while you were unconscious, someone came by and took your wallet.
Anyway … we’re just going to keep writing about Theodore Roosevelt as if you were awake and able to read it. We’re pretty sure that’s what Roosevelt would have wanted.
It can be hard to wrap your mind around Theodore Roosevelt—partly because you hit your head when you fainted, but also because he is like six men rolled into one.
He’s a bookish nerd who enjoys bird-watching, but he’s also a brawny jock who was the first American to earn a brown belt in Judo. And also, maybe, the last. We haven’t checked.
He’s a conservationist who set aside millions of acres of land to preserve forests and wildlife, but he has also personally killed hundreds of exotic animals. (It’s even more if you count birds. We don’t count birds!)
Sometimes he seems like an overgrown child, like when you spot him walking around the White House lawn on a pair of stilts. On the other hand, not many children have won a Nobel Peace Prize for negotiating the end to the Russo-Japanese War. (But maybe that’s just because the war is already over.)
Theodore Roosevelt is such a forceful and dynamic presence that it’s difficult to capture in words. If you really want to get a sense of what Theodore Roosevelt is like, you should go stick your finger in an electrical socket. (But only after signing our release form!)
WHEN HE WAS YOUNG
In this rare photo, a young Theodore Roosevelt is coolly staring down an Imperial Spanish battleship, which eventually retreated, meekly.
Why You’ll Love Him
He is manly. Roosevelt thinks that men are spending too much time working behind desks and not enough time tearing desks apart with their bare hands.
He is indestructible. Roosevelt once survived being shot in the chest—a part of the body that contains a lot of important organs. (We’re talking to you, thymus gland!) He went on
to give an hour-long campaign speech before seeking medical attention. His would-be assassin claimed to be taking orders from the ghost of William McKinley. And if the ghost of William McKinley cannot destroy you, then you can be destroyed by no man.
He loves animals. If you’ve ever said to yourself, “I wish I had a pet bear, snake, rabbit, owl, badger, parrot, lizard, pony, pig, flying squirrel, and a bunch of rats,” then you might have found your soulmate in Theodore Roosevelt. Or you might be crazy. Probably both, if we’re being honest.
He has a photographic memory. Say good-bye to the days of your boyfriend always forgetting what you look like!
He never swears. He also hates dirty jokes, which is why we haven’t mentioned the Rough Riders.
Pop QUIZ
See if you can identify which things Theodore Roosevelt really did versus which stuff we just made up.
Grew his own mustache
Spent two years as a cattle rancher
Scaled the Matterhorn
