Hottest Heads of State

by J. D. Dobson

  He might rename Camp David after you. Eisenhower renamed the presidential retreat previously known as “Shangri-La” after his grandson David. But you can probably get him to name it after you instead. The first step will be to drive a wedge between President Eisenhower and his grandson.

  He doesn’t let doctors tell him what to do. In high school, Ike developed a serious bacterial infection on his leg, and his doctor urged him to have it amputated. Ike refused, the leg healed, and he was fine. And we have to say—it feels like we’ve heard a million stories like this where the patient was fine, and none where the patient died. What if “You need to amputate or the infection might kill you” is a condition invented by the medical device industry to sell more bone saws?! (Ha ha but seriously, follow your doctor’s advice.)

  DOES HE KEEP HIS

  promises?

  Be Clean.

  Running against Adlai Stevenson in 1952, Eisenhower promised that an Ike-ministration would be “clean as a hound’s tooth.” Eisenhower fulfilled this promise by picking Richard Nixon as his running mate, since Nixon was typically coated in saliva and bits of meat.

  End the Korean War.

  Here’s a fun fact: The Korean War never ended! There was a suspension of hostilities, but no treaty, and the two sides still occasionally shoot at and kill one another. As of June 25, 2018, the Korean War will be 78 years old. But age is just a number, and the Korean War feels young. HBD Korean War!

  Pop QUIZ

  While stationed in the Philippines, Eisenhower was known as “The Bridge Wizard of Manila.” Can you guess why?

  a. He was a very talented bridge player.

  b. He built a lot of bridges.

  c. He blew up a lot of bridges.

  d. He was an actual wizard.

  e. All of the above

  Answer: The answer is (a), but we want so badly for it to be (e).

  Highway TO HELL

  By developing the Interstate Highway System, President Eisenhower connected the United States … in fear! Here are just a few of the terrors Eisenhower conjured into the world.

  • Black ice

  • Rest stop murders

  • Large Marge

  • Serial killers pretending to be cops

  • Hitchhiker serial killers

  • Hitchhikers who later turn out to be ghosts

  • You’re driving on the highway alone, late at night, and then in the rearview mirror you see a ghost in the backseat.

  • You get tired late at night and stop to spend the night in a small town, and you meet a few people, but later you learn it was an abandoned town and they were all ghosts.

  • You were killed in a highway crash, but you have blocked out the memory of it, and now you just endlessly drive the same stretch of highway, in a ghost car, not realizing that you are a ghost.

  How to Win His Heart

  Wear a lot of pink. Mamie Eisenhower loved pink—specifically, a pale shade that came to be called “Mamie Pink.” Because we were a more charmingly impressionable country in the 1950s, this started a nationwide craze for pink. So if you live in a building that was built in the 1950s and you have bubblegum pink tiles in your kitchen or bathroom, you can “thank” Mamie Eisenhower.

  Be good at packing and unpacking boxes. Mamie Eisenhower once said she moved 27 times in 37 years, and that would be a weird thing to make up.

  Be patient. Every anniversary, Eisenhower gave his wife one piece of silver to add to her tea set. It took about a decade to complete, at which point she was finally able to hurl a cup of tea in Eisenhower’s face for making her wait so long for tea.

  Can You Defeat Eisenhower at Bridge?

  Here’s a round of bridge that Dwight Eisenhower (South) won against the chief justice of the United States (West) and the secretary of the air force (East). He made his contract of 6 ♠, which (as we’re sure you know) is a small slam. Now see if you can match wits with Eisenhower by making 6 ♠ yourself—or outplay him and go for the grand slam of 7 ♠ !

  You’re playing as SOUTH, and WEST leads with the three of diamonds. Good luck!

  SCORING

  How many tricks did you take?

  0-4: It appears that you just threw down a bunch of random cards and were lucky 0 to 4 times.

  5-8: Are you drunk? It’s fine if you’re drunk, we’re just curious.

  8-11: Well, not terrible. But you probably won’t be invited back to play again.

  12: Great job! You are exactly as good at bridge as Dwight Eisenhower.

  13: Amazingly, you are better than “The Bridge Wizard of Manila.” That means that you are now The Bridge Wizard of Manila! Go to the DMV and request a driver’s license with your new name; bring this book as proof.

  I Like Ike

  (As a Nickname)

  Famously, Dwight Eisenhower’s nickname was “Ike.” Less famously, this was short for “Eisenhower,” rather than “Dwight.” And since Ike is such a perfect nickname for “Eisenhower,” all of President Eisenhower’s six brothers also went by “Ike”! Can you guess which of the following was Dwight Eisenhower’s specific “Ike” nickname around the Eisenhower house in Kansas?

  LITTLE IKE

  BIG IKE

  FLIRTY IKE

  TOUGH IKE

  MEAN IKE

  FAT IKE

  SLIPPERY FINGERS IKE

  CANNIBAL IKE

  IKE-WHO-WALKS-BETWEEN-THE-ROWS

  Answer: President Eisenhower was “Little Ike,” which probably contributed to his decision not to give his son the nickname Ike. Instead, Dwight and Mamie went with the time-tested boy’s nickname “Icky.”

  Sort-of Fun Facts

  “Eisenhower” means “iron hewer” in German. So if your name is Eisenhower, that’s what it means.

  President Truman, not knowing Eisenhower was a Republican, offered to run in the VEEP spot on an Eisenhower/Truman ticket. Eisenhower declined, thus denying America its chance at the first all-bald administration. Because apparently Eisenhower couldn’t convince Richard Nixon to shave his head.

  WHEN HE WAS YOUNG

  If you were the Germans, you’d surrender too.

  SCANDAL!

  You are probably still mad about the “U2 Incident,” when iTunes forced you to download the U2 album “Songs of Innocence.” But did you know there was another U2 incident, except with a hyphen? The U-2 Incident of 1960 occurred when the Soviets shot down a “U-2” high-altitude spy plane flying over their territory and captured its pilot, the CIA’s Gary Powers.

  Was this public humiliation by the Soviet military Ike’s greatest disappointment? Probably not, because he later said that “not making the baseball team at West Point was one of the greatest disappointments of my life, maybe my greatest.” Well, sure. That would be anyone’s greatest disappointment. The West Point baseball team is a heartless machine consciously designed to inflict despair and regret.

  Vital Stats

  Looks: 4

  Did you know that over time, people grow to look more and more like their favorite pastime? That is why the very handsome young Dwight D. Eisenhower gradually grew to resemble a golf ball.

  Physique: 7

  Eisenhower loved golf so much that he painted his balls black so he could play in the snow. And to prove that brevity is the soul of wit, here is a shorter version of that sentence: “Eisenhower painted his balls black so he could play in the snow.”

  Charisma: 8

  In the 1956 election, Ike’s plainspoken manner helped him trounce the more cerebral Adlai Stevenson, proving yet again that Americans want a president who seems smart, but not too smart.

  Taking care of his health: 9

  After suffering a massive heart attack during his first term, some argued that Ike wasn’t healthy enough to serve a second term. But Ike’s personal physician and—totally coincidentally—close political advisor told him that, in fact, a second term as president was critical to his recovery.

  JOHN F. KENNEDY

  1961–1963 | Dem
ocrat

  You came here to see photos of WWII-era boats, right?

  Let’s not beat around the bush. We know why you’re here, and it’s not to hear about the Cuban Missile Crisis.

  Why You’ll Love Him

  He’s easy on the eyes. Unlike a lot of presidents, you don’t mind looking at him.

  You are drawn to men who compulsively cheat on you. As long as you’re setting yourself up for heartbreak, it might as well be with JFK.

  He’s rich. Oh, but you don’t even care about this! That’s not the kind of person you are. You’re only interested in him because of the cheating thing.

  WHEN HE WAS YOUNG

  There’s just something about a man in uniform. (The “something” is that he has a job!)

  How to Win His Heart

  Be stunningly beautiful. Seducing JFK aside, this will help you in many aspects of life.

  Convert to Catholicism. Finally, your decision to become a nun pays off!

  Impress his dad. If you want to be with JFK, you’re going to have to win over his dad. We hear his dad puts a lot of stock in the ability to have a bunch of affairs, so maybe start by telling him you plan to cheat on his son?

  Be a good nurse. Did you know that it’s possible for someone young and handsome and tan to also be extremely weak and sickly? It’s (apparently) true! JFK was in and out of the hospital his entire life, and three times he was so sick that a priest administered last rites. So … do you enjoy taking care of sick people? If you’re not sure, find some guy who is sick and try taking care of him. Then try taking his medicine and replacing it with slices of deli meat. Which did you enjoy more?

  DIY PROJECT:

  SOLVE THE KENNEDY ASSASSINATION CONSPIRACY

  You seem pretty smart. If you put your mind to it, we bet you can sort out this whole Kennedy-assassination-conspiracy thing once and for all.

  Background: On November 22, 1963, John F. Kennedy was shot and killed while riding in an open convertible. The Warren Commission was tasked with investigating and concluded that a man named Lee Harvey Oswald, acting alone, fired three shots at the president from a sixth-floor window of the school book depository where he worked. Kennedy was struck by two of the bullets, one proving fatal.

  Clues:

  1 Two days after his arrest, Oswald was being transferred to county jail when he was shot and killed by nightclub owner Jack Ruby. A few years later, Ruby died of lung cancer. Ruby might have had ties to the mob, and some have suggested that the mob killed him as part of a cover-up. And if the mob knows how to give people lung cancer, then we’re all in trouble.

  2 Based on audio recordings and witness testimony, there is reason to believe that a fourth shot was fired at JFK from behind a nearby grassy knoll.* The police found three hobos hanging out in a train car back there, and observers noted that the hobos were clean-shaven and well-dressed. Which sounds a little suspicious, right? But maybe those observers were just jealous.

  3 Lee Harvey Oswald spent some time living in the Soviet Union and even applied for Soviet citizenship. This might be evidence that he was working for the Soviets, or it might be evidence that he was crazy. (Or, we suppose, both.) It could also support the theory that Oswald was working for the CIA, because it’s weird that he was able to move back to the U.S. without any difficulty. You can test this theory yourself by trying to defect to Russia, then returning to the U.S. and seeing how things play out at customs.

  4 Two months before the assassination, Oswald traveled to Mexico City and visited the Cuban and Soviet embassies. The CIA was monitoring him there, and whatever they found out, they concealed it from the Warren Commission. Which means that it was probably something boring and they didn’t want the Warren Commission to be bored.

  Your conclusion (Don’t forget to show your work!):

  Who killed JFK? (Check all that apply)

  Lee Harvey Oswald

  The CIA

  The FBI

  The mob

  The Cuban government

  The Soviet government

  J. Edgar Hoover

  Lyndon B. Johnson

  Some fancy hobos

  He died of natural causes

  * A knoll is a small hill, not to be confused with a gnoll, which is a sort of half-human, half-hyena. No gnolls are suspected in the assassination of JFK.

  Here’s a Tip

  Do you want to give your children an edge in life? Or do you want to set them up for failure? Both sound like fun, but in case you decide on the former, here are some parenting tips from JFK’s father, Joe Kennedy.

  Assign each child a career path at birth. Children need structure and direction, and that’s why part of being a good parent is requiring each of your children to pursue a pre-determined career path. For example, your oldest child can be assigned to “president,” and the rest of your children can be professional basketball players. If one of your children dies fighting in World War II (unlikely, but you never know), then everybody moves up a spot.

  Help your child win the Pulitzer Prize. After your child has gone to the trouble of writing (part of) a book, the least you can do is make sure he or she wins the Pulitzer Prize. Call around and find out if any of your friends are on the Pulitzer Prize board. You’d be surprised! A lot of people are on the Pulitzer Prize board but never mention it, because they are being modest.

  Bankroll your child’s campaign for president. Running for president is expensive! All of those yard signs aren’t going to pay for themselves. (And if they do, you should be concerned.)

  Challenge your children to see if they can have more extramarital sexual conquests than you. Joe Kennedy told his oldest sons all about his many affairs and challenged them to see if they could sleep with more women than he had. And nothing drives children to succeed like setting high expectations.

  Vital Stats

  Looks: 10

  JFK had digestive problems, glandular problems, and back problems so severe that he sometimes had to use crutches. Just to get through the day, he had to take a battery of medications. He hid all of this from the public, but there were still rumors. During the 1960 election, burglars broke into his doctor’s office looking for evidence that would expose his health problems. Who could possibly be behind something like that? The answer, of course, is American hero Richard Nixon.

  Charisma: 10

  Finally, there’s a reason to watch the State of the Union address. You might even want to watch it alone, with the lights dimmed.

  Physique: 6

  How else could he get so many women to sleep with him?

  Preventing nuclear war: 5

  When Russia started installing nuclear missiles in Cuba, JFK stopped them without starting a nuclear war. He also kind of started the whole thing, though, by putting his own nuclear missiles in Turkey. (Which, FYI, is really close to Russia. You might even say that Turkey is the “Cuba” of Russia! It wouldn’t be very accurate, though.)

  1961-1963

  John F. Kennedy liked to tell people, “If I don’t have sex every day, I get a headache.” So for him, Jackie’s frequent travel made affairs a medical necessity. After all, aspirin wasn’t invented until … oh, ha ha, it was invented in 1897. Well, still, it’s hard to blame JFK, because having sex is more fun than taking an aspirin.

  DRAW A LINE MATCHING THE PHOTO OF EACH PRESIDENT TO HIS ALLEGED MISTRESS(ES)

  Note: We’ve included a line between Marilyn Monroe and JFK, because everyone already knows they had an affair. In fact, the cosmic connection between them is so strong that sometimes, a line will just mysteriously appear linking pictures of them. You can test this at home: Draw pictures of JFK and Marilyn Monroe on the walls of your house, and see if a line materializes, uniting them in eternal love.

  ANSWER KEY

  MIMI ALFORD + JFK

  Mimi Alford started having an affair with JFK on her fourth day as an intern at the White House, after being invited to a party at the president’s private pool. So if your boss invites you to a pool
party at his house on the fourth day of your internship, don’t worry: He probably just wants to sleep with you.

  JUDITH EXNER + JFK

  JFK was introduced to Judith Exner by Frank Sinatra during a visit to Las Vegas. People knew Frank Sinatra for his music, but his true love was matchmaking. It’s terrifying to think how many headaches JFK would have suffered through if not for Frank Sinatra’s tireless matchmaking.

  ANGIE DICKINSON + JFK

  Another magical Frank Sinatra match, although their affair is only rumored.

  MARLENE DIETRICH + JFK

  When he was 20 and she was 60! Dietrich told JFK ahead of time “Don’t muss my hair, I have to perform.” To which JFK probably replied, “Ditto.”

  ELLEN ROMETSCH + JFK

  Ellen was a sex worker and probable East German spy who lived in a hotel on Capitol Hill. She visited the Kennedy White House for naked pool parties because hey, why not have naked pool parties at the White House and invite some communist spies?

  BLAZE STARR + JFK

  You’re not going to believe this, but Blaze Starr was a stripper.

  PAMELA TURNURE + JFK

  Pamela Turnure was Jackie Kennedy’s press secretary and bore a close resemblance to the First Lady. So, is it better or worse to be cheated on with someone who looks like you? This is a great question to pose if the conversation starts to slow down on a first date.