Hottest Heads of State

by J. D. Dobson

  Now you’re probably wondering, “What is Burdick v. United States”? (Or, depending on your age, “What is a photo?” or “What is a wallet?”) Well, one of Ford’s first actions as president was pardoning Richard Nixon for—to use a legal term of art—“being a crook.” This was controversial. But because Burdick v. United States said that accepting a pardon was the same as admitting guilt, Ford felt he had at least gotten Nixon to admit guilt, and he carries around the decision to prove it.

  Nixon, on the other hand, probably doesn’t carry anything in his wallet but a few stolen credit cards and a lock pick set.

  Sort-of Fun Facts

  Gerald Ford is the origin of the expression “walk and chew gum at the same time.” Specifically, LBJ accused Ford of being too dumb to do this. Except he said “fart and chew gum” and the press sanitized it, because American society was not ready to learn about the brutal expletive “fart.”

  He never won a national election. Ford was appointed vice president after Nixon’s first vice president, Spiro Agnew, resigned in disgrace over bribery allegations and also maybe because his name was an anagram for “grow a penis.” Nixon needed a vice president with a good, clean reputation whose name was an anagram for a good, clean phrase like “frog ladder,” so he picked Ford. Then Nixon resigned in disgrace, and blam! Gerald Ford became president without ever having won a national election. The lesson is that before you choose a name for your child, check to see what the anagrams are. We cannot stress this enough.

  Timeline: Jock President

  1935

  Ford turns down offers to play for the Detroit Lions and the Green Bay Packers, instead taking a position as boxing coach at Yale. Even a lucrative NFL career couldn’t tempt this jock away from a full-time job punching nerds.

  1942

  After the attack on Pearl Harbor, Ford joins the navy, helping to win the war in the Pacific by serving as his aircraft carrier’s Athletics Officer and coaching sailors in nine separate sports. Historians still ponder “what if” scenarios where the Japanese win because Ford only coached seven or eight sports.

  1974–77

  As president, Ford often has the United States Navy Band play the Michigan fight song instead of “Hail to the Chief” before state events. Unless you’re a Michigan fan, you should be rolling your eyes right now.

  1975

  Ford trips and falls while walking onstage and thus launches a thousand jokes making fun of him for being clumsy. Live by the sword, die by the sword (of jockishness).

  A blond, shirtless Gerald Ford jumps for the ball as part of preparations for the bombardment of Japanese fortifications on Iwo Jima.

  WHEN HE WAS YOUNG

  Just look at how dreamy Gerald Ford was, before his looks were ravaged by age and the stresses of boat ownership.

  PRESIDENT LESLIE KING?

  Did you know that Gerald Ford was born Leslie King Jr.?

  You might be wondering why any man would change his name from “Leslie.” Well, as Tolstoy wrote in Anna Karenina (but in Russian), “Each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” And the way that Leslie King Jr.’s family was unhappy is that his father Leslie Sr. was (allegedly) a violent alcoholic who threatened the newborn future president and his mother Dorothy with a butcher knife. No guy is perfect, but Dorothy decided she could probably do better. She fled with her baby and later married paint salesman Gerald Ford Sr., who raised Leslie as his son and whose name the future president eventually took as his own.

  Leslie Sr. never paid child support, but he made amends by showing up unannounced at the restaurant where Ford worked in high school and giving him $25. Which you have to admit is a pretty good tip, especially in 1930.

  Vital Stats

  Looks: 6

  This is tricky, because in his youth, Ford was literally a cover model. But as he became a middle-aged dad, his looks slid inexorably toward “middle-aged dad.” This is in contrast to presidents like George W. Bush who stayed handsome into old age. Which just goes to show that if you want to preserve your looks, don’t become a politician. Become a multi-millionaire baseball team owner. There—now you can’t say this book didn’t give you any useful beauty tips.

  Physique: 10

  Did you take a good look at that photo of Ford playing basketball shirtless?

  Charisma: 7

  Ford is well liked by most people who know him. He’s not flashy, but he is fair, reasonable, honest, trustworthy, zzzzzzzzz … oh, sorry, we fell asleep listing Ford’s boring personal qualities.

  Getting assassinated: 0

  There were two assassination attempts against Gerald Ford, both by women, both in California. Which just goes to show you that the Beach Boys’ song “California Girls” is 100 percent correct about women in California.

  JIMMY CARTER

  1977–1981 | Democrat

  If you like peanut jokes, you’ve come to the right page! Because now we’re going to talk about Jimmy Carter: nuclear engineer, U.S president, Nobel Peace Prize winner, and peanut farmer.

  “Big Peanut” had been trying to get its salty claws into the White House for decades, and in Jimmy Carter they finally had their guy. Carter presented himself as a man of the people, but some historians suspect that he was actually a puppet being manipulated by the purse strings of powerful Georgia peanut tycoons. (To be clear, when we say “some historians,” we are referring to ourselves, and “historian” is, frankly, a stretch.)

  But there’s still a lot to love about Jimmy Carter, if you’re in the market for a man who is thoughtful, optimistic, and alarmingly frank about the lust hidden deep within his heart (more on that later!).

  And Jimmy Carter managed to accomplish some great things. Just not, you know, as president.

  Here’s a Tip

  During the energy crisis of the late 1970s, Carter urged Americans to wear sweaters at home to reduce energy consumption. (Apparently he could not care less about the energy used to make sweaters.) If you’re ready to take your advice about winter clothing from a Georgian, then go right ahead and put on a dorky sweater. Or you can listen to our winter weather advice: Crank your thermostat up to 85 and walk around in a swimsuit. It will encourage you to keep it tight all year long, and it will help create jobs at struggling oil, gas, and coal companies.

  Why You’ll Love Him

  Carter has been to North Korea on several post-presidency diplomatic missions. If you’re ever in North Korea and see someone who looks like a farmer, it might be Jimmy Carter!

  He cares about the things that really matter. Not money, or prestige, or international travel. But rather, peanuts. In 1964, Carter was a New York–based naval officer specializing in nuclear engineering. But when his father fell ill, he brought his wife back home to tiny Plains, Georgia, to pursue the alternate life path of “impoverished peanut farmer living in public housing.” Rosalynn Carter is a very lucky woman!

  He’ll let you sit in on cabinet meetings. Maybe bring a book.

  He’s a homeowner. When he was 13, Jimmy Carter saved up and bought five houses in his hometown, then rented them out to local families. So if you ever think your life couldn’t get any worse, just think “At least I’m not suffering the indignity of renting from a 13-year-old.”

  Pop QUIZ

  Some people say Carter’s presidency was doomed by “stagflation.” But what is stagflation?

  a) Simultaneous weak economic growth and high inflation rates.

  b) A minor deity worshipped by the ancient Celts with the head of a stag, and the body of high inflation rates.

  c) The sinister clique of ruthless peanut-industry bagmen who stalked Carter at every turn, demanding payback for putting him in office.

  d) a and b

  Answer: No one knows what stagflation is. Ask ten different ancient Celts and you’ll get ten different answers.

  WHEN HE WAS YOUNG

  Cut out this photo and carry it with you. The next time your parents ask you why you’re still single, show it to them
. Tell them it’s your new boyfriend, and his name is Midshipman Jimmy, and he lives in the past.

  A Fake Interview with Jimmy Carter

  Q: President Carter, What do you consider your greatest accomplishment?

  A: Definitely when I deregulated the sale of hops, malt, and yeast, and thus launched the home and craft brewing movement.

  Q: Oh. Really? Not the time you won the Nobel Peace Prize for your post-presidential diplomacy, human rights and global health work?

  A: Nope. Microbreweries.

  Q: What about when you successfully negotiated the Camp David Accords that secured peace between Egypt and Israel?

  A: Huh? Oh, that. I’d forgotten all about that. Yeah I guess that was good. But not as good as a nice, bitter IPA.

  Q: What about when you negotiated the SALT II nuclear arms reduction treaty with the Soviets?

  A: I guess I’m proud of SALT II. But I’m not as excited about it as I am about washing down a big handful of salty peanuts with a nice brown ale.

  Q: President Carter, we’ll be honest—we didn’t realize you were much of a drinker. We’d heard that at most, you’d have a glass of white wine every now and then.

  A: What was that? Sorry, I didn’t hear you, these guys are making me do a keg stand. If you want to interview anyone at the Carter Center, don’t call after 2pm.

  DOES HE KEEP HIS

  promises?

  Clean up the mess in Washington.

  Someday some politician really is going to clean up the mess in Washington, and we’ll discover that without the mess it’s just a crumbling husk.

  Restore sweaters to the White House.

  This wasn’t technically a promise, but he did it anyhow. Carter goes above and beyond the call of duty if it involves wearing sweaters.

  “Real leadership, for a change.”

  Carter’s presidency isn’t thought of as hugely successful, so we’re going to have to give him an “✘” for delivering on this campaign slogan. On the other hand, we give him three or four checks for “weirdly passive-aggressive campaign slogan.”

  A rare photo of the moment when Jimmy Carter used the power of positive thinking to fly into the air and stay aloft for a full 10 minutes.

  SCANDAL!

  Carter is one of only two American presidents to have been interviewed by Playboy. Can you guess the other one? What if we told you he’s been interviewed by them more than once? What if we told you he’s appeared (clothed) in a Playboy soft-core porn video, pouring champagne on a Playboy bus? We bet you can guess!

  Anyhoo, back to Carter. Jimmy Carter has not, as far as we know, appeared in any porn videos. But he did tell the magazine, “I’ve looked on a lot of women with lust.” Which was weird, because all they’d asked him was “Did you have any trouble finding our office?”

  FUN FACTS

  THAT ARE ALSO

  DOUBLE ENTENDRES

  • When things start getting dirty, Carter might “DECLARE A FEDERAL EMERGENCY IN LOVE CANAL.”

  • If Jimmy Carter puts on some smooth music and offers you a massage, get ready for an “OIL SHOCK.” (The shock is that he’s having a hard time acquiring enough massage oil.)

  Vital Stats

  Charisma: 6

  On a long submarine voyage, Jimmy Carter will start to catch your eye. But no fraternization onboard the boat, sailor! Unless the boat is the submarine ride at Disneyland. In which case, it’s your vacation—if you want to spend it making out with Jimmy Carter on a submarine, we’re not going to stop you.

  Looks: 6

  Carter’s quiet integrity is the perfect antidote if you’ve just broken up with a slimy Richard Nixon–style boyfriend. But once the rebound period is over, you’ll get bored with quiet integrity and be back to wanting a smooth-talking, oiled-haired Californian.

  Physique: 8

  Carter has a fit, compact physique, earned through decades of wresting peanuts from the earth’s clammy grip.

  Bloodlust: 9

  Through the so-called Carter Center, Jimmy Carter is the mastermind behind extensive, global efforts to murder the parasites that cause malaria, river blindness, schistosomiasis, and Guinea worm disease. Those poor guinea worms never did anything to Jimmy Carter—they simply want to be left in peace, and allowed to live in and occasionally burst forth from people’s bodies. And yet he is hell-bent on wiping them from the face of the earth. Jimmy Carter: Enemy of Nature.

  1963-2018

  Some people think that infidelity ended in 1963, when zip codes were invented. But in fact, to this day people have affairs, and that includes presidents.

  DRAW A LINE MATCHING THE PHOTO OF EACH PRESIDENT TO HIS ALLEGED MISTRESS(ES)

  1963-2018

  ANSWER KEY

  MADELEINE BROWN AND LBJ

  Madeleine Brown wrote a book about her claimed 20-year affair with LBJ titled Texas in the Morning. So, you’re welcome—now you’re thinking about having sex with LBJ in the morning, in a brightly lit room, dead sober. But here’s a consolation: She also claimed LBJ had known about the Kennedy assassination in advance. That is probably a lie, so it might also be a lie that anyone has ever had morning sex with LBJ.

  ALICE GLASS AND LBJ

  In 1973, Lady Bird Johnson received a letter from this former mistress, requesting the return of a gift she’d given LBJ—a brass-and-crystal eagle once owned by Thomas Jefferson. And Lady Bird did return it. If you ever get a chance to time travel, consider going back to 1973 and convincing Lady Bird to instead run it over with her car.

  HELEN GAHAGAN DOUGLAS AND LBJ

  Douglas was a Hollywood actress-turned-congresswoman, and she coined the nickname “Tricky Dick” when she and Richard Nixon were running for the same Senate seat. Another tricky dick in her life was LBJ’s.

  ELLEN ROMETSCH AND GERALD FORD

  Remember East German spy Ellen Rometsch, who slept with JFK? According to one source, she also slept with then-congressman Gerald Ford, and FBI director J. Edgar Hoover blackmailed Ford with an audiotape of the rendezvous. Hoover might not have totally understood the FBI’s counterintelligence role.

  JENNIFER FITZGERALD AND GEORGE H. W. BUSH

  Rumors swirled after then-Vice President Bush shared a cottage with his personal secretary during a visit to Geneva in 1984. Both deny the affair, and frankly, it seems likely that the vice-presidential travel budget simply wouldn’t cover two Swiss cottages.

  GENNIFER FLOWERS AND BILL CLINTON

  During Bill Clinton’s affair with Gennifer Flowers, did he ever get used to seeing the name Jennifer spelled with a “G”? Or did it continue to feel forbidden and naughty?

  MONICA LEWINSKY AND BILL CLINTON

  But is it really an affair if you don’t have “sexual relations,” but just oral sex? I mean, we’re not a bunch of Puritans, are we?

  MARLA MAPLES AND DONALD TRUMP

  You’re probably putting a finger to your temple and saying, “Wait, wasn’t he married to Marla Maples?” The answer is yes, he was, technically. But he started sleeping with her while still married to his first wife, Ivana. Before you judge him too harshly, keep in mind it was widely reported in the New York tabloids that he thought Ivana’s breast implants felt unnatural.

  RONALD REAGAN

  1981–1989 | Republican

  America was coming off a series of bad relationships with presidents. It had tried a peanut farmer, a jock, and a crook, but none of them really seemed to act like a president. And when you’re looking for someone who will act like a president, there’s one obvious choice: an actor.

  Ronald Reagan had parlayed a sports radio broadcasting job into a successful Hollywood movie career, and he parlayed that into a job giving pep talks to GE employees and hosting the “GE Theater” weekly variety show. The GE gig was lucrative, but Reagan knew that money isn’t everything. So after a few years he stepped off the notoriously grueling career track at GE and took a major pay cut by accepting a position as the governor of California.

  But Reagan h
ad his eyes on bigger prizes than Sacramento, if that’s even possible. And the nation was ready for him. In 1979, Jimmy Carter gave his nationally televised “malaise” speech, in which he said that a crisis of confidence was undermining America. He was right, and the speech resonated. But a few months later, Americans got to choose whom they wanted to inspire a renewal of national pride and confidence. A farmer who wanted you to keep your house cold in the winter? Or … glamorous movie star Ronald Reagan?

  Once elected, President Reagan cut through the national malaise like a hot, cheerful knife through gloomy butter. Drawing on all the skills he learned from serving on the men’s basketball cheerleading squad at Eureka College, he put a few extra drops of Grecian Formula in his hair, popped a few jelly beans, and got to work. And almost before he knew it—in fact, sometimes without his knowledge entirely—bold measures were underway to defeat communism and restore American confidence.

  Favorite Pickup Line

  “You and I are going to spend our sunset years telling our children, and our children’s children, what it once was like in America when men were free.”

  (NOTE: Reagan originally used this line in 1961 to warn Americans that creating Medicare would end freedom in America. But it also works great as a pickup line, if you want to quickly establish that you’re ready for a long-term relationship, and that you’re looking forward to a future dystopia.)

  Reagan was nicknamed “Dutch” because his father, correctly, said he looked like a “fat little Dutchman.” Other fat little Dutchman presidents include: Martin Van Buren.