Breathe Again

by Kamy Chetty

  “It's not in the notes.” Her lips thinned.

  Green watchful eyes swept up her gaze. He shifted again. “Oh.” The sound was a soft whisper between them. “What does that have to do with his treatment? Did I miss something?”

  Skylar shook her head. Her sigh came out in a hiss of warm air. Only the fact that the boy was gorgeous, terrified and you made no effort to connect with him.

  He always said he couldn’t be a father. Was he right?

  She threaded her fingers through her hair. “Do you miss the service?”

  He let his stool slide away from her as his gaze narrowed. “That's an odd question.”

  “You like your rules and regulations. Everything should fit in nice little boxes. I'm surprised you didn't ask those parents to take away Angus's bike. She let her arms drop rested her palms on the stretcher. She was scared as hell at the thought of having this baby on her own. It would be easier with him there to support her. But she didn’t want him there with a gun to his head. If he really thought he couldn’t be a dad, then maybe she needed to start listening.

  His eyes were dark when he finally answered her.

  “That wasn't necessary. The child had on a helmet that met all safety requirements. The bicycle was safe and would have met all safety standards. They were good parents, they immunized their child. Did everything they should have.”

  “Is that how good parents are measured—by them following the safety standards and ticking all the boxes?” That certainly did make sense. He was good at following the rules.

  Nick swung his stool deliberately closer so that he was barely next to her. This time she shifted, watching him.

  “You don’t talk about your time in the Marines. Why won’t you let me in?” She tugged at that unruly strand of hair that refused to be tamed.

  He pulled her closer, his warm breath on her hair.

  Her nerve endings started firing one after the other until she could scarcely breathe. He shot out a hand and caressed her cheek. The movement was so unexpected, she didn’t have time to react.

  Her heart thundered in her chest, so loud, she was sure he would know exactly what she wanted. A small voice of reason whispered in her ear. Danger. Then as if picking up on the tempo, her heart rate started the very same beat.

  Danger. Danger. Danger.

  She sucked in a breath and licked her lips. She knew what he was doing. He was distracting her. Or was she distracting him. Why was this becoming so confusing?

  She placed her palm on his chest over his racing heart. He was as affected. This wasn’t in her head. He wanted her. She could smell him. She closed her eyes, remembering that smell. Oh, how she missed it.

  She let out a small groan.

  “What is it?” His voice was barely audible, husky.

  What was it?

  She reached up to cup his nape, pulled down his head and opened her mouth, letting his lips crush against hers. His tongue darted into her mouth, hungry, snaking out to quench his thirst. She clutched his shoulders and deepened the kiss. He pulled her closer until she was on his lap. She moaned softly into his mouth before reality struck.

  There were in the middle of a consulting room.

  On duty.

  She pulled back.

  “Skye?” He tugged at her ponytail gently.

  She let the back of her fingers touch the side of his cheek, felt the warmth. He had a slight morning growth that on someone else might look scruffy. On Nick, it looked dangerous and daring.

  She had to tell him the truth.

  “I haven’t been fair to you.” He pulled her head down and held her close. “I’m sorry.”

  Skylar turned her head away. Her eyes filled with shameful tears, and the words she should have said remained unspoken.

  His arms dropped to his side. He didn’t move.

  Her gaze caught the big clock on the wall. The second hand slowly moved. Tick. Tock. The only thing she could hear was the sound of that clock. “Nick, I’m due for a scan later. Would you like to be there?” She swore the clock stopped as she waited for his answer.

  Chapter Four

  An hour later Skylar rocked back and forth, gnawing on her bottom lip. What the heck was she thinking when she asked him to join her? Her gaze went to Nick, who sat beside her in the small consulting room, and she curled her hand tighter. He could have been on the moon both in distance and mood.

  “It's okay for you to come closer and sit next to your wife.” The resident doctor lifted his glasses off the bridge of his nose.

  Nick fingered that scar on his hand. It wasn’t a war scar. She’d asked him about it. He never said where it came from. If she thought it would help, she’d ask again. But that look in his eyes was a haunting shadow of what he was thinking when he touched that scar, and it made her afraid of the answer.

  “Are you ready?” the registrar asked.

  Her throat constricted. Ready? Lordy no. But with a perfect smile, she turned to the doctor and nodded. Years of practicing yes when it was really no was a gift she couldn’t fault when she clutched rainbow-colored pipe cleaners from a towering height.

  The registrar's hand shook a little. Skylar gave him an encouraging smile, thinking she too would be nervous if Nick was giving her that stare. Nick was a stone-cold Marine. The one time she met Nick’s commanding officer, at a memorial service for one of the men in his unit, she couldn’t tell who’d be a contender for playing Thor, the God of Thunder. Nick, the man who sat beside her the entire time like a statue or the larger than life man, who shook his hand when the brief service was over.

  “Darn it!”

  She knew the instant she’d thought it, that it was out loud. Not in her head, like she’d meant.

  “What is it?” Nick asked, coming closer to the screen. “Can you see something wrong with the baby?”

  She shook her head. She couldn’t tell him she recognized that look in his eyes as the same one he had at the memorial service. What would he say to that?

  Her hand automatically went to her chest, and she squeezed her fist against her ribs as though that would ease the burn.

  “Skye, baby, what is it?” He was concerned.

  She knew it. The last time he’d called her baby, was…frankly, she couldn’t remember when the last time was.

  His hand had found hers, and she pushed it away. He wouldn’t want to have anything to do with her when he knew the truth and right now, it was better that way.

  “I’m all good. Heartburn. First trimester stuff.”

  His gaze narrowed. “First trimester?”

  Darn it.

  The doctor moved the probe again, ignoring the tension in the room. “Ah, finally, a heartbeat. There you are.”

  Skylar looked carefully at the screen. Yes. There it was. The little heartbeat, complete with everything else.

  After pressing a few buttons and a few moves around her belly with the probe, the resident looked up.

  Nick moved closer to the screen. His fingers locked together as he watched the blip come to life.

  “Congratulations.” The doctor looked barely out of braces as he stared at the screen in newfound wonder. “The baby looks really healthy. From the scan, you look to be about thirteen weeks pregnant. I'll make a copy for you.”

  Nick’s gaze didn’t leave the screen. “Thirteen weeks pregnant. Are you sure?”

  The resident moved closer to the scan, looked down at the numbers, and then turned. She could see the effort he put into his next words. “These scans are pretty accurate.”

  “You're sure?” Nick repeated.

  This time the registrar shuffled the papers in front of him, as his face held a lost-boy look.

  “Nick?” Skylar sighed. Maybe she should tell him and get it over with.

  With both the registrar and Skylar staring at him, Nick turned away from the scan and looked at her. After a long pause, he spoke again. “Thanks, Doctor.”

  Skylar waited for the resident to clean the probe and put the machi
ne back in its corner before she turned her attention to Nick. “I know having a baby was never in your plan, but could you have waited for the resident to leave before making it seem like I was carrying the devil’s spawn?”

  Nick had the decency to look embarrassed, and she felt guilty.

  “We were together at the time of conception. We were having sex then too.” Her voice thinned to a whisper.

  Nick turned a shade darker as his lips formed a line. “I remember.” His voice was husky.

  The room got smaller as he paced the small path beside her. As hospital rooms went, there was barely enough space for a bed and a chair. Add a very formidable man and a hint of sexual tension, and you had the ingredients for claustrophobic hell.

  “There was that time on the beach. That night after you—” Skye couldn’t make eye contact as she spoke.

  Unexpectedly he was at her side. He cupped her face. His thumbs stroked her cheekbones. She shivered as heat suffused her blood.

  He bent down close until his lips were at her ear. “Don’t you think I remember every moment I spent with you?”

  Something inside her fractured. He made breathing hard, and she didn’t need to learn how to do that. It was natural, but this wasn’t natural. Her reaction to him wasn’t natural. Never had been. His lips moved closer to her neck, leaving her boneless.

  There wasn’t a part of her that didn’t want him right now. How was it possible to want him so much, it ached?

  “Don't.” Her voice was empty.

  He nipped at her neck. “Don’t?”

  She rolled her shoulders, and the small action caused him to pull away.

  “This is because I never wanted babies. I know that hasn’t changed, and I know how screwed up this is. This is ten degrees of wrong, but it doesn’t change me wanting you.”

  “I come with the baby, Nick, or did you forget that for next six months I am a human incubator?”

  He shook his head. “How can I forget? You think that blip on the screen was easy to un-see?”

  This was now a jump to the moon. That’s how screwed up it had gotten. A freakin’ sky-jump to the moon.

  Nick looked down at the tips of his boots, and she followed his gaze. Army type. Black. Nothing to hold his attention for too long.

  He took her hands in his. “Skye, maybe we gave up too easy. We can try again.”

  “What about the deal-breaker?” she asked, cursing the lie she kept.

  “Deal-breaker?” His gaze narrowed.

  “You said you didn’t want children ever and it was a deal-breaker. Always had been.”

  “I told you. It still is.” He sucked in a breath then turned to her and caught her gaze dead on.

  “It’s not a one or the other deal here, Nick.” She felt guilty for pushing when she was the one hiding things.

  “What if there was a way?” he asked.

  Skylar shook her head. Did he really not want this child that much? Her hand went protectively around her tummy. “Please leave,” she said.

  *****

  He was about to become a father. A dad. He had no idea what that meant. After having such a screwed-up childhood, how was he expected to be a father? Nothing good could come of this. Nick let his fingers run along the scar on his hand. The small cigarette-shaped ring was a constant reminder of things he didn’t want to remember from his past.

  Some people were meant for happy endings. Maybe it was in their DNA, he didn’t know, and right now he didn’t want to find out. He shouldn’t have married her. Thinking a man like him could have a normal life was wrong. He tightened his hand around the scar—the constant reminder of his faults, of his bad blood, and of what he could become if he let himself. The replica of his father.

  His chest constricted as he thought of Skylar and what they could have had, but he shook his head. He couldn’t risk it. He couldn’t endanger a child.

  That was the way it had to be. He couldn’t be a part of Skylar’s baby’s life. If he lost control like his father, or if he became the monster his father was, Skylar would never forgive him. He would never forgive himself. But how would he make her understand?

  Without thinking, he found himself walking up to the nursery and looking into the area the babies were kept. He knew it was wrong to ask her to give up her baby for him. It was selfish. If there was another way it could work for them both, he had to try to find it.

  He could see Skye as one of those mothers in the nursery, rocking her baby, looking at their child with loving eyes. She would have enough love to give for the both of them. She was nothing like him. He knew nothing about being a father, but she… she would be a great mother.

  Nick put his hand against the glass and touched the world he so wanted to be a part of. The same world that had rejected him, time and time again.

  “Which one is yours?”

  Nick turned around and when he saw the older man standing next to him, he shook his head.

  “Ah, you're a dad-to-be.” The old man smiled.

  Nick didn't say anything, but he didn't move either.

  “You've found out you're going to be a dad,” the older man continued.

  “How did you know?” Nick asked.

  “You have that look of terror. See that young man there in the green wrap?” He pointed to a small bundle on the far side of the nursery with a couple huddling close to the cot. “That's my fourth grandchild.”

  Nick felt a longing pull across his chest. They looked like a happy family.

  The couple called him over, “It's my turn now,” the old man said. “Good luck.”

  Nick watched him go to his grandson. He was glad his father would never hold his child. He felt the longing grow in his gut.

  Skylar was pregnant. He had to get used to that. She was having his baby, and although instinct told him run, something else said stay.

  Running was in his blood. Always had been. Got him in trouble. Maybe even got the only family he had killed. With the war going on between his head and his heart, he made his choice and walked away from the nursery, feeling the heavy weight of his decision.

  He found Skylar back on duty doing stock take. He watched her for a moment before interrupting her as she silently hummed one of the popular tunes he’d heard on the radio. Every time he saw her, he fell in love with her all over again, loved her more than the last time, not once believing it was possible.

  She sneezed. Three times, like she usually did, in succession. Then she turned around. “You're back.”

  It wasn't a question. It was more of an accusation, and he didn't blame her.

  “I'm sorry.” He looked down at his boots, unable to meet her gaze.

  “Look, this is not your problem. Obviously, this is more than you bargained for. You don’t have to move out. I will. I've spoken to Judie, and she has a spare room. I’ll stay with her until I figure things out.” She placed her hands on her hips and shrugged.

  Why was it so hard to say the words out loud? They were there. Right on the tip of his tongue. He’d already told her he was sorry. All he had to do was ask her to stay with him.

  He rubbed the back of his neck, unsure of how to convince her to come home. “You shouldn't be inconveniencing Judie.”

  Skye looked around the storeroom. “She's not complaining.”

  He walked into the room filled with metal shelves. He traced the pattern on one, trying to string the words together in his head.

  “What is it?” she asked.

  He wanted to say “don't go”. He wanted to plead with her. The words were bursting within—he was surprised she couldn't hear it. He sure as hell could. The loud echo banged so hard against his eardrums, it was all he could hear. He sighed.

  “All you had to do was ask.” Her words were barely a whisper. She turned away and took a box of dressings and moved them from one shelf to another.

  “Should you be doing that?” he asked, coming forward and taking another box from her.

  “Moving around boxes that weigh les
s than a gram of feathers while pregnant? Sure. The question that I would be more interested to hear the answer to is why do you care?” She pushed up her chin and looked into his eyes.

  He saw a smile that held a thousand years of smiles. Someone who made him want to be anything she wanted him to be. For her.

  “Skylar—” He grasped her hand and pulled it to his lips.

  “It’s okay. I’m not sure I’d like the answer. Let's go home, Nick.”

  *****

  Nick tried to pull the tag from the teabag three times and after he failed, he threw it, tag and all, into the cup and waited for the water to boil.

  “Tea ready?” she asked when she came down, fresh from her shower.

  He breathed in the scent of her strawberries and yogurt lotion. Who knew the scent of fruit could be so potent to a man's libido? But sexual chemistry was never something they lacked.

  The most natural thing would be for him to go to her right now and pull that hair away from her face. Then let his finger run along her chin and place a kiss on her neck. He could never use the words. But he always showed her.

  “Tea ready?” she asked again, this time giving him that bone-melting smile that could get him hard from across a crowded room.

  “Just about.” He checked the kettle again, hoping she hadn't noticed the lust in his voice.

  “Judie called. She said you owe her one. Not sure what she meant, but she said you'd know.”

  Nick picked up the mug and inspected the inside as he avoided her curious gaze. He knew those eyes glowed with the question he would rather not have her ask.

  The kettle rumbled and then switched off, and Skylar reached across and pulled her mug toward her. She waited for him to pour the steaming water before taking her seat opposite him.

  “This must be the first time in a very long time we’re actually here together like this,” she said.

  “It’s a good chance for us to talk, don’t you think?” he asked, wondering why she turned away so quickly. This awkward silence was becoming frustrating.

  “I wanted to apologize for the other night. I shouldn’t have come onto to you like that. Now that I think about it, it’s the hormones.” She tapped her fingers against the counter nervously.