Breathe Again

by Kamy Chetty

  Music to her ears. Skylar stopped squirming and rubbing the pot holders along her thighs. “Promise?”

  She was still trying to figure out why he was being nice to her. He’d made it clear he didn’t trust her, but it didn’t stop him from taking care of her. He wasn’t fazed by the risk to the baby, and she knew why. He wasn’t going to be around to deal with the consequences.

  His breath was warm against her ear. “If you continue doing that, you're going to scar.”

  She shivered. If only the attraction wasn’t still there, this would be so much easier.

  He dispensed with her in one heated gaze. “You can put that look away.”

  Like a dog with a bone, she gazed up at him. “Old habits.”

  He took the bottle of calamine lotion and looked at it. “This lotion is smooth and warm. It should be fine to go on your…back.”

  His eyes were so dark that her chest ached from lack of air.

  “It’s been a while since I’ve had the calamine on my back.” She tore off the pot holders so she could take off her shirt.

  She didn’t care that they were in the living room, or that they weren’t in a proper marriage. She did care that it was desire she saw in his gaze. It was more than that she sensed in that rigid line of muscle that ran between his jaw to his shoulders.

  She swallowed as the room heated with anticipation.

  The shirt fell to the floor, and his gaze went from her eyes to her breasts. She didn’t lift her hands in eagerness. Instead, she turned and spread her arms.

  Who knew the simple act of applying a medicated ointment could turn into foreplay? She didn’t. She didn’t expect that he did either, but when he was done, his breathing was as ragged as hers. She turned slowly and wrapped her arms around him.

  “I know I have no rights when it comes to you. I will do anything to make it up to you. I am so sorry.” She cupped his cheek and kissed it softly.

  With her arms around him, she brought his head down for a kiss. He dodged her and sighed. “You, my temptress, need to learn a lesson.”

  Skylar sighed as he took her mouth and kissed her fully. She’d missed him so much. His arousal pressed hard against her hip, and when he cradled her breast, warmth sang through her veins. His lips were so soft against her neck, she closed her eyes as she enjoyed the sensation.

  His teeth scraped against her skin, and she tingled. “I’ve always loved the way you touch me and kiss me. I missed you so much.”

  His thumb felt rough against her lip. “I missed you too.” He swung her into his arms.

  The joy was fleeting, and she gazed up at him as she clutched at his shoulders. “Where are you taking me?”

  “A man is weak as a baby kitty around you, Skye, especially a man like me.”

  She curled her hand around his neck. “I wish that were true, Nick.”

  In the next moment, she screamed in shock as he dumped her in tepid water filled with antiseptic.

  “You didn't?” she sputtered, pulling herself up.

  He stood above her. “I did.”

  He straightened and walked out of the bathroom with no sign he felt any of the passion she did. She put her hands on the rim of the bathtub and rested her head on them.

  “Nick, where are you going?”

  “To take a shower.” His voice was gruff.

  Skye smiled. She was willing to bet more than a dollar that it would be a cold shower.

  *****

  Two weeks later, Skylar looked at the colorful invite that Judie handed to her.

  “You want me to come over to the bar to celebrate my return to work and the baby?”

  “Oh come on, party pooper. You never come out. Let's go celebrate. You can have OJ.”

  That's right. But Nick won't like this.

  “Maybe some other time.”

  “Too late. Invites are already out, and we’ve had eight people rsvp.”

  “Eight?” Did she know eight people here?

  “Oh, don't look at me like that. You know more people than you think. That and we need a night out.”

  That was more like it. “Nick still won't like it.”

  “So we'll see you there at six.”

  “But…” She bit her lip and stared at Judie.

  “No buts. Six.”

  At six on the dot, Skylar looked around the bar and sipped her ginger ale. There were a few people she knew from work, but the only person she was waiting for was yet to come. She'd left a message on his phone. His shift finished twenty minutes ago.

  She tapped her fingers on the bar and listened to the nineties music that played on the jukebox. Her foot swung according to the music.

  “Hey Skylar, care for a dance?”

  She recognized Luke from the few times he came down to the emergency department to consult on pediatric cases. “Maybe not.”

  “Come on. Just one dance.” His smile was infectious.

  Nick still hadn't arrived, and Luke was already pulling her onto the dance floor.

  With Lady in Red by Chris De Burgh playing, she went into Luke's arms and swayed to the rhythm, all the time wishing it was another set of arms she was in. When she looked at the bar mid-song, she realized Nick was watching her. The look in his eyes caused a shiver to travel down her spine. She could feel the heat of his gaze burn into her with every move she made.

  Luke’s arms were around her loosely. She tugged on her lip until the salty taste of blood made her pause. She shifted uncomfortably.

  Luke lifted her chin with his finger. “You okay?”

  She swallowed. “Uh-huh.”

  “I have this feeling if I don’t release you soon, your husband is going to come over here and carry you off.”

  She smiled and snuck a peek at Nick. He was leaning against the bar, sipping on a cold beer. If she didn’t know any better, she’d swear he was taunting her. Was he finally going to let her behind the curtain of that dark gaze?

  After the song was over, she made her way back to him. He hid his emotions well. She couldn't tell what he was thinking.

  “You looked cozy with Luke.” His gaze met hers.

  She shivered. She never thought of him as the jealous kind. But then again when trust was broken, it was well and truly broken in all departments.

  She looked down at her fingers and realized she had stopped wearing her wedding ring a long time ago. The next hour was a blur. She smiled. She made small talk. Then she made her excuses, and without waiting for Nick, she went home.

  *****

  Watching her with another man drove him close to insane. He hated feeling that out of control, but she was sexy and she was his. Seeing her with Luke made him want to tear out his throat. That was not like him. She made him weak.

  This morning they sat opposite each other in silence. He felt like hell after a sleepless night, but seeing the dark shadows under her eyes as she played with her food made him feel worse.

  “I'm sorry,” he said.

  She put her fork down and took a deep breath. He hoped she wouldn't cry. He was sure he had heard her crying last night.

  “There’s nothing going on between me and Luke or me and anyone else.”

  He thought about that night she came to his room. Sex with no strings. He groaned. She said she had needs. He wasn’t doing anything about it, and if he wasn’t then who was? “You don’t wear your wedding ring anymore.”

  She stretched out her fingers on the table. “My fingers are swollen. They don’t fit.”

  Another lie. She had stopped wearing them a long time ago.

  But could he blame her? When did he ever let her in? “I was thirteen when I decided to leave home. I was tired of having to take care of my mother and her drinking binges. I was tired of being the adult.” He wasn’t sure why he was telling her this. But she was listening. “I left the house one evening. It was winter and dark. Then I felt so bad, I came back.”

  “And?” she asked.

  They didn’t live in the best neighborhood. They h
ad the worst house in the worst neighborhood, but he remembered his mother like she was standing right there next to him. Her flower dress with holes. She was cowering under the table. She'd taken some pills and a bottle of vodka.

  She reached out and held his hand. “I'm sorry.”

  Damn. She didn’t understand. This wasn’t why he was telling her. “I don't need your pity.”

  Her chest heaved. “Then why tell me?” she asked.

  “So you know that I am damaged. You keep waiting for me to be someone I can never be.”

  “And who would that be?” She lifted her chin, failing to hide her annoyance.

  “Someone you won’t like.”

  He set his napkin aside and then took both of their plates and put them away in the dishwasher. For the longest minute, he stared at the sink.

  He’d gone off the rails and made mistakes. Did things he’d been ashamed of.

  He swore he’d never be back here. He’d wished for discipline and control so many times, the Marine Corps was the only place that could keep him sane after his mother died.

  He spent a lifetime making his life over. Taking the chances the government gave him to become a doctor and then joining the Marine Corps to make up for his past. Fight for others, when he couldn’t fight to save his mother.

  Skylar pulled her chair away from the table. “I need to go baby shopping. I'd like you to come with me. Please.”

  He wasn't sure if either of them knew what was expected of the other but, for the sake of her child, they had to try.

  An hour later, Nick picked up a little one-piece set in a yellow color and held it against him. “We're in the wrong shop. This is for dolls. You’re having a baby not a plaything.”

  Skylar’s gaze captured his. He paused at the fleeting hope that lay hidden in her eyes.

  He saw her swallow. He shrugged, his gaze sending a clear message.

  What?

  “I need to choose a color, I suppose,” she said, avoiding his gaze.

  “Color?” His gaze narrowed. He was pretty sure they were baby shopping, not picking out paint swatches.

  “Well, I have to go neutral for now until I know the sex of the baby. So I think yellow and maybe that green over there.”

  Colors, sizes? He looked around. This was wrong. Look at the size of these clothes. They were miniature. Babies didn't come this small, did they? Yes, he delivered them, but then he gave them away so he didn't spend too much time with them.

  “Nick, I'm going over there. They have a great selection. Why don't you go upstairs and have a look at the stroller and cots? I don’t know much about technical things.”

  Strollers and cots. Yes. That sounded a lot better. More like things he could handle. Easy. He went upstairs and then decided that he would rather be back on the battlefield. There were rows and rows of strollers, and by reading each of the instructions, he decided that med school was a lot easier than this.

  Choose the correct size ET tube? Easy. Choose the correct type stroller? Nightmare. He looked from one to another and then decided that their apartment will prove to be a bit of a problem with strollers anyway.

  The stairs would be a problem. The place wasn't baby proof. There was no play area. Skye didn’t think of anything when she did this. Hell, she wasn’t thinking. Period.

  “All sorted?” she asked, coming at him with an armful of baby clothes.

  He didn't know how to answer Skylar. He looked from her to the strollers. He wasn’t equipped to deal with any of this.

  If only she would stop looking at him like he could fix everything. Why did she do that? And why did he feel as if he would move the world around for her so she could be happy and believe in him?

  “Are you happy to finish up? I forgot I had an appointment.”

  She tried to hide her disappointment, but he saw it before she plastered that smile on her face. “Sure, I can finish up.”

  He gave her his credit card. “You decide on a stroller and the crib. I'll see you later.”

  She gave him back the card. “I don’t need this. It’s my baby. My responsibility.”

  He could have stayed and argued, but the department store was running out of air. Instead, he took the card from her and left. He took the steps two at a time and made sure he didn't turn back, because if she was still watching him, she'd see exactly how he did feel.

  *****

  “I've always loved baby shopping. The first one is always fun. Back in my day, we never found out the sex of the baby, but these days it's different.” Judie handed Skylar a file to place in the cabinet in the nursing area.

  A group of nurses had gathered around to hear about Skylar's shopping expedition. She hadn't seen Nick, and she needed to share her excitement with someone. After his hasty exit, he hadn't even bothered to call and check in on her.

  “Don't buy too many baby clothes. Remember we have to do the baby shower thing.”

  Skylar looked at Judie in surprise as all of the other nurses nodded in agreement.

  “You didn't think we would let you off without planning a shower, did you?”

  She didn't speak. She was choked up that someone cared enough about her to plan this. She couldn't remember a time when someone had cared enough about her to plan anything for her. When the nurses had scattered, Judie came over and gave her a hug.

  “I know it's going to be difficult, but we'll be there to support you. Here's that gorgeous man of yours now. Does he ever smile? I bet even when he is in orgasmic bliss, he doesn't have a moment when he lets himself go and you can see pleasure on his face.”

  Skylar couldn't remember what he looked like in the throes of passion. She knew what he looked like in her dreams. In real life, she tried and tried but the more she tried the more those memories buried themselves deeper into her psyche, as though a warning. Keep out or else.

  “I missed you.” Damn, she didn't mean those words to come out in that order. “I mean, I expected you home before we came to work.”

  She sometimes wondered if he looked that amazing on purpose. Maybe he did it to annoy her. Or because he knew that she had raging hormones and felt like having sex. All the time. With him. And seeing him walk toward her with that look of pure I-don't-care turned her on big-time. She didn't care that they were in the middle of the emergency department, but she could happily grab him close and kiss him and taste him till it pleased her.

  “A colleague I knew from back in the army is going to be working here, and he’s looking for a place to live.”

  Nick helping someone out. Progress? “I see. That's nice of you.”

  He stood next to her and watched as she helped Judie put files away. The room was small enough without him. With him in it, she was highly sensitized to everything. His lean body against the cool wall. The heat falling off him, making her break out in heat waves. Liquid heat spilling from sensitive areas in her body—highly charged areas thanks to hormones and increased blood flow due to pregnancy.

  His arms crossed over rock-hard abs. Abs you could sit on. Abs you could spend hours licking up and down. She flicked through the file in her hand, forgetting which letter it was meant to go under and used the file to fan herself. She wasn't doing herself any favors. Maybe she could ask him to leave?

  If he left, then he wouldn't lean like that against that wall and give her ideas about sidling up to him. That would work. Then she would get away from the scent of lemons and forest trees. Who would choose such a mixture for a soap anyway? Fool.

  “I was thinking maybe Daniel can stay at the apartment.”

  Zap. All hormones in check. “Huh?”

  The file fell. She shut the drawer, bent down to pick up the file and banged heads with the fool who would invite his mate to stay with them when they were about to have a baby. “Ouch.”

  He looked concerned. “Sorry. You okay?”

  “What do you have in there? Rocks?”

  This time it wasn't a joke when she said it.

  He took her arm, and s
he wondered if he felt the zing too. “Take a seat. Let me have a look at you.”

  “I'm fine,” she said, gently prying her arm away.

  “Good. So how do you feel about going and looking at some houses later on this week?”

  “I think I do need to sit down. I hit my head harder than I thought.”

  He was at her side. “Any pain? Blurred vision. Nausea. Vomiting.”

  Was he serious?

  “Nick, I said I was fine. I just meant—” She let out a sigh. “Let's start from the beginning. Daniel, your friend, needs a place to stay, and you think he should stay at our apartment and we should move out. Why?”

  “The apartment does not meet the needs for a baby.”

  Spoken like a true man. She wanted to laugh. She really did, but he wouldn't get it. Somehow, she was beginning to think this was all she was going to get from this man and maybe it was going to have to be enough.

  “Okay, then. We start looking for a house.” Not because it's what we want and what's right to do as a family. But because an apartment does not meet the needs for a baby.

  *****

  “Well, that's the last of it,” Skylar said as she put the box in the kitchen.

  “I told you not to lift any boxes.”

  Skylar sighed as she placed her hands on her lower back and gazed up at Nick. “This was a light one, and I am pregnant, not afflicted with a disease that renders me incapable of living a normal life.”

  She looked around the kitchen and dusted off her hands. They were lucky. At least she was lucky. Nick had said yes to the fifth house they had looked at, after looking at it umpteen times and getting every report available.

  This house felt like a home. She stood at the kitchen window and looked out. It took a lot of pleading to convince Nick that a property close to the Bay would be safe. She could smell the salt in the air, taste the freshness. It was a cozy house, but more importantly for Nick, it was a safe neighborhood. Nick wouldn’t understand this was a dream fulfilled.

  All he cared about was this was a safe area, close to good schools and the house was already baby proof. All the electrical sockets were safety checked, the fence had a gate with a lock and the porch had a small gate with a baby lock. All the cupboards were safety checked.