Breathe Again

by Kamy Chetty

  “Do you need a hand?”

  Nick wanted to say no, but he could see the look of please-say-yes on Skylar’s face, and these days he was finding it harder to say no to her.

  “I need a scribe.”

  She nodded, and went to the white-board, where she would document all the procedures and medications the patient received, so they had clear documentation.

  The doors opened. The paramedics wheeled in their stretcher with a female child.

  Nick froze, everyone around him continued to work. The medics transferred the child from the gurney to the emergency stretcher.

  The child was covered in blood. The gauze taped to her forehead was already soaking through with fresh blood. Her honey blonde hair was turning rusty, as blood leaked through the dressing and onto her face.

  “Female Caucasian looks about five years old was strapped in the car seat behind the driver, who was unrestrained. This was a car versus pole. Driver hit the windscreen and sustained a head injury. Child is not responding. We’ve had her on high-flow oxygen and placed a neck brace. Respirations are shallow, heart rate is thread. Father is on his way in. Mother was intoxicated.”

  After the medics left, Nick stood there still unable to move. He wasn’t sure why he chose this moment to think about how fate couldn’t be changed.

  “Nick?”

  When the resident called his name, he turned in surprise, only just registering where he was.

  Skylar stepped forward. “Check her responsiveness. Commence fluids. Let’s get a set of baseline obs.”

  Skylar slipped on a pair of gloves and came forward. She took over management of the child’s airway. “I need the pediatric team down here stat. Call PICU and get a bed ready. Get an anesthetist, we need this child intubated.”

  She examined the cardiac rhythm strip and then turned to Nick. “You okay?”

  The resident from across the room screamed Nick’s name. He shook free from the nightmare.

  The resident pulled the curtain between the two rooms. “I have the mother in the next room. She’s at risk of coding. I need you here stat.”

  Nick turned to Skye. “Can you manage?”

  Skye nodded. “Luke’s on his way with the pediatric team. There’s nothing I can do for her here. I’m taking her up to PICU.”

  Nick went into the next room and pulled on a new pair of gloves. The child’s mother was unconscious, with a dozen people milling around her.

  “What's her blood pressure?” he asked the nurse.

  “Ninety over sixty,” she replied.

  “Okay, let's push a liter of saline. Get the anesthetist down here, I want her tubed and hooked up to a ventilator. I don't want to take any chances with that possible cervical injury. And arrange for a CT scan as soon as they can get her in there. Keep that collar on. Let's put a gastric tube and a catheter and monitor input and output. I want someone monitoring GCS, and I need a neurosurgeon down here. I don't like the look of those dark shadows around her eyes.” The discoloration around her eyes was a sign she may have fractured her skull base. Because she chose to drink and drive.

  “Raccoon eyes?” The resident asked as he squeezed the resus bag once more.

  “She might have a skull fracture.” Nick pushed aside the patient’s hair and looked at the injuries on her head.

  It took an hour to arrange her transfer and another before he saw Skylar.

  The child didn’t make it.

  Her shoulders were slumped as she sipped her coffee.

  *****

  “It’s not fair, is it? Drunk driver makes it. Innocent child dies.” She gripped the cup so hard, her fingers ached.

  “I could arrange for you to go home,” Nick said.

  “I remember that look on your face. You go from point A to point G all in one go. Don't pass Go, no get-out-of-jail-free card.”

  “I don't understand,” he sighed.

  “I bet growing up, you had to have everything planned out so that you could fit everything into your life. Make sure you had time to take care of your mum, go to school, have a job.”

  “Why are you being like this?” The husky note in his voice was unmistakable.

  “You're looking at this, thinking of the big picture and looking at all the variables you have to consider to make sure you make this work.” Her gaze never left his.

  “Well I was in PICU when we lost that little girl, while you were here saving that woman’s life.”

  Nick reached out for her hand, and she pulled it away. “I know you’re angry, but we were both doing our jobs.”

  “She was a baby. That woman should have known better.” She was beyond angry.

  “Alcoholism is a disease.”

  She gritted her teeth. It would have been better not to have spoken, but she saw that little girl, with her entire life ahead of her snatched from this world.

  “You’d say that. You would because of your mother. But that little girl deserved better than what she got. She didn’t deserve that, and she didn’t deserve to die like that.”

  “You’re really upset right now. It’s been an emotional day for you.” He stood. “I’m going to take you home.”

  Skylar sighed. “No.” She panicked. “I don’t want to go home.”

  “You need to rest. I’ll take you home.” Nick raked his fingers through his hair. “I'm sorry about the girl.” His smile was sad.

  “I’m sorry too. It seems there are other people in this world much sadder than you and me.”

  His brow creased and then he leaned in and kissed her on the cheek. “Maybe not as many as you think.”

  Nick’s words gave Skylar hope. She could breathe without the heaviness sitting in her chest. With her mind made up, she decided there was only one thing left to do. She needed to go home and show him how she felt too. Make him realize hope was alive in her heart.

  An hour later, she looked around the room. At thirty-two weeks pregnant, she had trouble getting around, but she managed to light enough candles to turn their bedroom into a sexy–scented, softly lit room with definite intent to please.

  She opened a bottle of ginger ale and took two glasses out of the cupboard. Then after changing into something more comfortable, she waited for him.

  *****

  He had three things on his mind.

  One: A nice hot shower. Or a nice cold shower, depending on whether Skylar was up or not. Damn, that woman left him hard on so many nights, his body was getting used to the cold showers.

  Two: A good cup of black coffee. Just the way he liked it.

  Three: A glimpse of her sleeping. Just one glimpse of her. With that little snoring noise she made now that she was pregnant.

  As the fire brigade honked and tooted behind him, he angled his car to the side, waited for the red truck to pass him and then he continued on his way. When emergency vehicles with flashing lights and sirens passed him, his interest piqued. He was a doctor who carried his emergency bag in his car at all times, so he was a useful person to have around.

  So like any good citizen, he followed the vehicles on the familiar route. The smell of smoke and burning caught his attention before the curl of the smoke in the distance.

  Skylar.

  Their last conversation played in his mind. She was upset. She left. He’d been so preoccupied, he didn't think he should check on her. She was always so…Skylar.

  Skylar who could be lying in an emotional state in a burning house.

  With his foot pressed lightly on the accelerator, he resisted the urge to push harder. Instead he clamped his jaw and followed the stream of emergency vehicles.

  Fire. Ambulance. Police. Traffic.

  He stopped the car, opened the door and lurched forward until the seatbelt pulled him back. After two attempts at unclipping his seatbelt, he let out a curse then yanked the belt once more. This time success. He shot out of the car.

  “Sir, you can't go in there.” One of the policemen halted his progress.

  Nick’s gaze searched
the crowd milling around before he turned to the house. “My wife?”

  The policeman stepped back, but he refused to let Nick pass. “I'm sorry, sir. You can't. It's dangerous.”

  “You don't understand. My wife, she’s pregnant.”

  “Stand back, sir. Leave this to the professionals. The firemen are already in there. If your wife is inside, they’ll find her.”

  Thoughts of his mother hiding under that table— And now maybe Skylar too?

  He rubbed at the tired lines on his face. Did he fail so badly?

  No, she wouldn't. She wasn't weak. She wouldn't do that.

  He pushed forward. He had to get to Skylar. What if he never saw her again? What if he never got to tell her—Tell her what? What if?

  “Sir, go back.” The policeman refused to let him move an inch forward.

  He thought about the time she came after him when they were on the heli pad. She’d jumped in the helicopter when they were taking off.

  He had to get into the house. He left the policeman and walked toward the back of the house. Another group of men stood there. They didn't look too happy.

  “What's going on?” he asked, hoping his hospital ID will get him closer to the scene.

  “Sir, Doctor—” the man read his title and continued, “I still can’t let you any closer. We haven’t secured the scene.”

  “My wife is in there. Someone needs to go in there and get her out.”

  “As soon as it’s safe, we’ll go in.”

  Nick’s fingers went through his hair. “She’s thirty-two weeks pregnant. If you don't go in, I will.”

  The head of the rescue team held him back with one hand. Nick pulled up his chin up and narrowed his gaze.

  “I can’t let you in,” the man repeated, his gaze never wavering.

  His wild glance at the house caused the man to put his hand on Nick’s shoulder. “I’d want to do the same thing if that were my wife and baby. But I won’t presume I can do your job, let these men do what they do.”

  Put like that Nick couldn’t argue. No fireman or policeman would come into the emergency department and offer to stitch up a patient. This was no different. He stood aside and let them do their job, closed his eyes and prayed. All he needed to do was see her again.

  There was a bang from the left side of the house. Nick’s heart burst. The left side was where Skylar slept. He fell to his knees and didn't breathe. He couldn’t breathe because his lungs wouldn’t take in any air.

  The flames were getting higher. Hotter. Redder.

  The workers broke down the door. The oxygen caused the fire to burn even brighter. It was like an explosion. Nick watched the flames eat the house as if it was nothing but a pile of tinder wood.

  On his knees with nothing left but his grief, Nick called her name. Suddenly, the firefighters broke through the flames and carried her out.

  He choked back the sob. The words wouldn't come, but it didn't make his thoughts any less true. His love was alive. And just like that, his heart beat again.

  *****

  “You stayed,” Skylar said when she opened her eyes and saw that Nick was still there, sleeping uncomfortably in the chair next to her.

  “Didn’t have anywhere else to be.”

  Stupid, stupid mistake had cost them a home.

  “I'm sorry,” she whispered.

  He rubbed his hand across the two-day-old growth of beard. “For?”

  “For burning down the house.”

  He sighed. “The report isn’t in yet. We won't know what caused the fire until the investigation is complete.”

  She looked down at her hand with the IV line. “It's my fault.”

  She saw him stiffen. “It's not what you think.”

  How did he think the house burnt down? He might love her, but what was love without trust?

  She pulled the sheet up and fingered the seam. “It was candles. I had candles burning and must have fallen asleep.”

  He didn't say he believed her. But he didn't say he didn't. “I’m going to be honest with you, Nick. I am in love with you. Hopelessly, madly in love. Somewhere in there, I know you love me too. I also know this baby of mine complicates things.”

  He couldn’t tear his gaze away from hers. That was a good sign, right?

  He reached out to cover her hand with his. “I—”

  She could see it on his face. The confusion.

  “All my life I wanted someone to love me so I wouldn’t be alone. I thought that was what true love was. Not being alone.” She turned away from him. How could she explain she was wrong without him getting the wrong idea?

  “Nick, I thought being married was the most important thing so I trapped you, to stay with me. That turned out to be a bad idea.”

  “Skye, don’t.”

  “No,” she shook her head, “I have to. You see, I thought you would change your mind and come to love this child. But I’m okay now. I’ve accepted that you don’t want to be a father. But I’ve spent my entire life searching for that one person who could look at me and see the real me.”

  “I love you and I do see the real you.” Nick took her hand.

  She caught her lower lip with her teeth. “I really do believe you do see parts of the real me and in your mind, you think you know what’s right.

  “I don’t understand,” he said.

  She wasn’t sure how she was going to explain this to him when it she only figured it out this moment. “When someone wants something badly enough, all the days of their lives, so bad that they’d lie and cheat for it to happen, then maybe that person needs to do without to find themselves. You know?”

  He shook his head. “I think you might be affected by smoke inhalation. I’ll call the doctor and we can get this sorted.”

  Skye liked seeing Nick flustered. It didn’t suit him, which made it fun.

  “I think I’ll always love you, Nick.”

  “Are you feeling lightheaded, weak or dizzy?” He touched her forehead. “You’re serious, aren’t you? This is for real. You’re leaving me. But I love you.”

  “I know that too.” She smiled.

  “We can make this work. If anyone can, I know you can. You amaze me more every day.”

  “I’m glad you’ve said that, but I want you to take that leave and go on that contract you applied for all those months ago. I think the time apart will do us both good.” She took his hands in hers and squeezed.

  Was that panic that fleeted by in his gaze? “You can’t make me.”

  “When have I ever been able to make you do anything? I can’t make you, but I can ask you nicely. I need this time to think.”

  *****

  “Lunchtime's over. We already have a line forming outside.”

  Nick checked his phone one last time before he put it back in his pocket and followed the nurse out into the hot sun of Western Australia. For weeks, he had hoped for a message or an email, but Skylar made it obvious it was over. It didn't stop him from checking his phone at every break. It didn't stop him from checking his emails every chance he got.

  Accepting this job in the Outback was meant to be easy, a way to take his mind off Skylar and their lives together. But everything around him reminded him of her. He thought of how she'd love this weather, these people and the land. Most of all he missed holding her. He missed that the most.

  A young girl came running up to him with a flower in her hand, and she smiled as she gave it to him. Something tugged at his heart. Would Skye’s little girl look at him with adoring eyes like that?

  “Nick, I think you need to come and have a look at this.”

  He took the flower and thanked the girl, rubbing her head before he went back into the small clinic he had spent the last month working in.

  “What is it?” he asked Jen, who still had that worried look on her face. After spending weeks with the efficient nurse from Sydney, he knew better than to ignore any gut feeling or suspicion of emergency she might have.

  He followed her to
the small room they had converted into a makeshift resus area. The room was not equipped to be a resus area, but they used what little equipment they had and did the best they could.

  “You're not going to like it,” she said.

  They practiced what would commonly be referred to as bush medicine. At best, it was opportunistic care for people who worked so hard, they had limited access to proper health care.

  When he entered the room, he saw the woman on the stretcher clutching a too-large pregnant belly. He pulled on gloves and cast a worried glance at Jen. The flying doctor service made regular rounds and had been by already this week. They had access to ambulance services if they needed it, but out here in the boondocks, emergency services were sparse. This would be classed as an acute emergency.

  He didn’t like these odds. “Hello, I'm Dr. Delaney, but you can call me Nick.”

  The lady looked from Jen to him and screamed out in agony.

  “How long has this been going on?”

  “About ten minutes. She's from the village. She walked here, so that has helped the labor. She's term.”

  Nick looked around for the little black box and when he found it, he grabbed a bottle of gel. “History?”

  “She's expecting twins.”

  Calm. Keep calm.

  He waited for the patient to stop squirming and then he tried to smile. His face would comply. Well, he knew it wouldn't, but he had to try.

  With that done, he turned to Jen and found her trying not to laugh.

  “Can you help me lift up her gown? I need to check for the fetal heart. Hearts,” he said after a moment’s hesitation.

  She slowly lifted the patient's hospital gown and helped him squirt some of the gel onto her tummy. He wished Skylar was here. They worked well as a team. She understood him. Understood how difficult he found interaction and emotions, and she always smoothed things over with the patients. She did it so subtly that sometimes he didn't even notice she'd done it.

  “Patty, the gel is a little cold but it's not going to hurt. Nick is going to listen for the babies’ heart rates. Has everything been okay with the pregnancy?”