AMAZING HEART (Broken Bottles Series Book 4)

by Pamela Taeuffer

  "You be sure to let me know your test results, young lady." I pretended to be stern, trying to keep her mood light. "I don't want to bother you with your mom visiting, but I will if I don't hear from you in a few days, understand?"

  We hugged each other and then said good-bye. All I could think about was the missed calls from Ryan.

  What was I supposed to do? Tara needed me and I couldn't inconvenience her.

  When are you going to ask for what you want? My Evil Twin whispered.

  When I got off the streetcar, I ran home and hurried up to my room. I immediately plugged the charger into my phone and when the first bit of the green battery icon appeared on the screen, I turned it on and played back the sad-sounding voice mails from my sweet boyfriend. I couldn't wait any longer. I had to call Ryan. I hoped he was alone or somewhere he could answer.

  "Nicky! Oh, baby. I've called you so many times."

  "I was—"

  "At Tara's," he said. "I know. I called Jenise to make sure you were okay. Why didn't you call me back?"

  "I'm so sorry. She hasn't been feeling well. When she called the other day she was scared, crying, and practically begged me to drop everything. I panicked and left without my phone charger. Then it died—"

  "Take a breath," he reassured me. "Is Tara all right?"

  "She doesn't—" I was getting ready to tell him more, but as I was scrolling through the missed texts in my phone, one caught my attention. "What the hell!"

  It was as if my heart stopped.

  I continued reading.

  Shook with anger.

  When I finished, my fears had been validated.

  Ryan needed a woman his own age after all. Apparently, he had one right next to him.

  The text read:

  I'm Jesse. I'm sure you've heard of me. I'm Ryan's girlfriend. I know he said he's fallen in love with you. Don't be fooled. I'm with him now. We're having sex tonight like most nights when he's away. Honey, our sex is for adults only. His mouth is all over me and his big cock is inside me. So not fair, I know. He's too much for you—you're just a baby. Trust me, he'll rip your little body apart. He's duped you, honey. I have a ring. We're engaged. I'm sorry, but you're only a fantasy—his joke. Live your life, don't waste time on him, he'll break your heart. So sorry, I'm sobbing and crying for you. Hugs and kisses, bye-bye for now, Jesse.

  Chapter 14

  I'm in Limbo, Going to Hell

  "What . . . what the hell is this text?"

  "What does it say?" Ryan's voice shook.

  "It's . . . I thought you didn't see Jesse anymore?"

  "I don't. You know I don't."

  "Uh . . . apparently, you do." Panic, anxiety, fear—they coiled and then sprung through me. My belly twisted. A loud noise clanged in my head. "She says she's still your girlfriend. In fact, I guess while I was at Tara's taking care of a woman who's scared to death she might have cancer, the woman you wanted with you, says our relationship is a joke. Apparently I'm not woman enough for your sex because it's too rough and you'll destroy my body."

  "What are you talking about?" Ryan's voice trembled.

  "Your girlfriend, Jesse. The woman you really wanted on your road trip. She's with you right now, isn't she?"

  "You know she's not—"

  "She sent me . . . oh, yuck, it's . . ." I pursed my lips to blow long, deep breaths through them, trying to calm down. I couldn't. "It looks like, it . . . it came in last night. Oh God, it's . . . let me read it to you. You sure you're ready for this?"

  "Yes."

  "It's a doozy. Don't you already know what it says?"

  "Forward it to me it that's easier for you."

  "Nothing's easy about this message," I laughed nervously, and colored it in sarcasm and disgust. "Here goes . . ." I read the entire text out loud. "How did she get my cell number?"

  "I don't know."

  "You don't know? She finds my number, tells me your mouth is all over her, and you don't know? Tell me how that happens."

  "I can't . . . I don't . . . I have to . . . I—"

  "She's the woman to whom you've given your ring apparently. When were you going to drop that bomb on me? Let me read between the lines. You gave her a ring, but then fell in love with me. It's over and she can't let go. You're letting her down easy, by making love one last time, right?"

  "No."

  "Didn't you classify her as an acquaintance? Why did you bother hiding the truth? No wonder Dana asked you where she was. And by the way, when were you going to tell me your casual relationships get engagement rings?"

  "I wasn't. Wouldn't. I didn't. Please, I'll . . . Listen, I'll get to the bottom of this."

  "I bet you will. Just ask. Isn't she's in your room lying right next to you?"

  "She's not with me." He was firm and clipped with his responses. I wasn't used to him responding this way and I was agitated. I wanted some emotion and fight from him. Instead, calm laced his tone.

  "It all makes sense," I concluded. "Now I know why you told me to forget about coming."

  "Jesse has nothing to do with you being at home. I wanted your parents—"

  "Wanted my parents to . . . what? Be fooled like me?"

  "Yes. That's it exactly. We wanted your mom and dad to approve of our relationship. I thought it was best. No. Wait. I don't mean fooled, you're—"

  "You thought it best? Well, thanks for that. Let me see if I've got this right. I'm not supposed to be friends with the opposite sex. Have I understood that correctly? And yet, you're able to have Jesse with you?"

  Silence.

  "You said all you needed to be done with other women was a commitment from me. Wasn't it you who promised the past you enjoyed would be over when I said I loved you?" I was at my breaking point. "I begged you not to play me."

  "I'm not."

  "Listen, Ryan. I'm giving you an out right now. If you admit that you're still sex friends with Jesse, I'll understand and back away. Tell me the truth. Let's at least save that part of us so we can remember what we had with a smile."

  "We're not sex friends."

  "Right."

  "After her text, I guarantee you she and I have nothing left, not even friendship."

  His statement made me pause. I wanted to believe him. I was on the edge of believing him and then the doubts crept in. All I'd ever experienced with my family were broken promises. I didn't have enough faith in Ryan—or myself—to take a chance.

  "Your move, Ryan."

  "I'll get to the bottom of it."

  "Sure, take your time. I'll just take your word for all this and wait here for your return call."

  "I'll handle it," he said with a voice that held no tell.

  "I bet. Handle her, you mean." I threw all the sarcasm at him that I could. "I'm to sit here with blind faith you'll swoop me up and we'll ride away on your white horse as soon as you tuck Jesse away somewhere? I'm not one of the women you're used to being with who sits and waits for your call. You suggested I stay home—no. Wait. Actually you told me to stay home—and I'm supposed to wait on you? Go play a game with someone else, buddy."

  "Be reasonable."

  "Oh . . ." I took a breath to keep from exploding. "I'm being quite reasonable under the circumstances. If you're not with her, then how did she get my number?"

  "I don't know. I'm not with her, Nicky. I'm asking you to believe me."

  "Sorry, but after her text it's not reasonable to ask me that. She got a hold of your phone so she could get my number. You're not innocent in this."

  "We were—"

  "Let me save you the trouble. I'll tell you how it happened. She grabbed your phone from your nightstand and looked through it while you were in the shower, right?"

  "No, no, we—"

  "We what? You couldn't reach me the last few days, so you strayed. Isn't that about it, Ryan? Can't handle that I have a full life without you and won't drop everything to be with you?"

  "I wouldn't discourage anything you want for your life," he stated. "You k
now that."

  "Well . . . except giving me the room to make my own decisions about coming on the road trip with you, and that bugaboo you have with me and male friends. Yet, you continue full speed ahead with your lady, Jesse. All your sweet words—you promised you wouldn't abandon me. I didn't understand that meant when you came back and were in town. I knew it was different when you were away. I knew it! How could I have been so stupid?"

  Cut him off first. Hurry . . . he's about to tell you that you're too much trouble.

  "Nicky, I wouldn't do that. Just let me—"

  I was certain the end was right in my face and another person I loved was lost to his addiction, this time with sex.

  "Don't bother, Ryan. I understand. This is the second time you've dropped me because of sex. Jesse's name has circulated ever since I've known you. Don't deny it like you did at The Waterfront. I get your history with her, but you said I shouldn't be worried." My voice started to break. "Were you afraid I'd see the sparkle in your eyes—the sparkle that's reserved just for her? I'm glad I found out early on about the two of you. Just leave me alone. Please leave me alone."

  "Nicky, don't cut me off." His response finally contained some emotion. "Hold tight for an hour and let me find out . . ."

  True to form, I couldn't chance hearing the hurtful words—those words that would end as lies and broken promises, slice into and take another piece of me.

  I had taken down my armor for him. Angry I'd done so and unable to bear the pain and bruising of what was happening, I prepared to raise it up once more. Mom and Dad had abandoned me so many times that I should have been used to it. I never could get used to the emptiness. Was that part of the fight continuing to burn in my heart?

  Being abandoned by someone in whom I’d had complete faith and allowed myself to be vulnerable made me feel as if every future relationship would be the same and eventually end with devastation.

  After my journey with Ryan, would I ever look at another man—or woman—without casting my suspicious net over them?

  "Why did you make such a big deal about seeing only me, like I was the one?" What I wanted was for him to convince me and keep talking. I couldn't stand to listen any longer. I knew the inevitable had come for me, the way it always did for my family.

  "I haven't, I mean I have—" Ryan seemed to stumble, perhaps his perfect plan had unraveled and he was trying to pull together the bits and pieces he could salvage, hoping to hear me say I would agree to wait for an explanation.

  I didn't stop.

  I couldn't.

  I knew in only a matter of minutes he'd give up. I'd hear, "you're right. It's too hard to be with you. I'm sorry." I'd started counting down the seconds. I knew if I pressed him and didn't keep the peace, it would be over. I was ready to cut him down before he did the same to me.

  "You asked me to try on this relationship. Guess what? It's not my size. I expect you to keep helping my father and sister like you promised. Don't wag your golden tongue and give me any excuses. I didn't blow this, you did. Besides that, just fuck off. Or . . ." my Evil Twin rose up viciously and sarcastically. "Go fuck Jesse, your acquaintance. You're dead to me."

  If I had been on a landline, I would have slammed down the phone. I wanted to smash something. Anything. I wished I could have taken all the plates in our kitchen and thrown them against the walls, leaving the broken pieces everywhere.

  Maybe if I numbed myself like my father had, I wouldn't hurt so badly. Was that why he self-medicated?

  Maybe his emotions were too severe and he couldn't control them. Maybe getting drunk was the only way he could cope with pain and disappointment. Alcohol was a depressant that kept him subdued until the raging beast inside of him, no longer able to be contained, took him over.

  I ran into Jenise's room. She wasn't home. I tried to call her. Reached voicemail.

  Should I try Ethan? No, I couldn't call and tell him I was at odds with Ryan—not again. I'd lose his friendship for sure.

  Frantic, I called Patty, Lorraine, Marilyn, and Kathie. Not one of them answered their phone.

  Where is everyone? I need to calm down. I've got to get out of here! Run, Nicky, run away! The only way you'll be happy is to study. Grab your books. No, better yet, ice cream!

  Crashing through the house in every way, I fought my rage, hurt, and tears by doing the simplest of things—washing the dishes, dusting, and vacuuming the living room carpet—as if in doing them, I'd feel better.

  My phone rang with messages and texts from Ryan.

  I wouldn't answer.

  I finally turned it off and took a bath. Periodically I poured in more bubble bath, drained the cool water and replaced it with hot. I did this for over an hour. I got out. My mood hadn't changed.

  As night began to fall, I became more nervous and unsettled. It was then a feeling of hopelessness sunk in.

  I tore apart my room. Rearranged my furniture; sorted old magazines and journals; wrote some poetry; organized my hope chest.

  Down our basement stairs. I ran into the back yard. Played with the garden hose. Made waterfalls and water snakes in the air. Watering the lawn and flowers under a crying moon, I guess I went a little crazy. I realized how bizarre the scene was. I stopped.

  Stopped to let the hurt in.

  Stopped to feel the crush of my heart.

  Stopped to let the images of Ryan having sex with Jesse—a woman he'd assured me was a part of his sex-filled past but with him this very minute—burn inside of me.

  Oh God . . . I'm so sick. I miss him. I hate him. I hate her. I hate that I gave in.

  The words of Jesse's text played repeatedly in my mind. "His mouth all over me."

  Maybe they couldn't let go of each other.

  Maybe their sex was so incredible they needed to physically connect every so often because no one else could satisfy them.

  Maybe Ryan was desperate to be rid of her and he'd used me to convince Jesse he was in love with someone else so she'd leave him.

  Maybe it was the reverse—she had left him. I was the ploy to make her jealous. Was he in love with her? Had he tried to reach back for the innocence of his childhood with someone that understood abandonment? Once he'd gained some new perspective, he'd reach back to the woman who knew how to handle him?

  Even though it hurt, I understood.

  I had only wanted him to admit it.

  Was she part of his past, present, and future?

  I could visualize their naked bodies touching. Ryan's mouth must have been all over her as she typed in her text, both of them laughing as she pushed send.

  For adults only.

  My body ripped apart.

  She has a ring to show me.

  The revelation was clear—I wasn't ready for a relationship with anyone. Obviously that was why I chose not to have sex. It complicated everything. Those sexual dynamics between boys and girls and men and women, were too confusing for me.

  That kind of intimacy meant pain.

  That world was wicked and cruel.

  My kisses weren't so special after all.

  I was only one of the many giving them away.

  Somewhere deep down, I'd always known that dating would no longer be fun when sex was on the table. I guessed reaching any sort of intimacy wouldn't be possible for me.

  How dare he ask me to give up Jerry, when he can't even give up Jesse!

  I tried to block out Jesse's words and her cutesy text symbols, but she'd made the picture way too clear—and it wouldn’t stop repeating in my mind.

  The two of them glued together.

  His mouth on her.

  His "cock" inside of her.

  His lips on her breasts.

  His hands on her thighs.

  The sexy words he whispered in her ear.

  Furious that I had shared my orgasm with him, my hands tightened into fists. Our intimacy had been a sham. I was nothing more to Ryan than hundreds of similar experiences. How could I have been such a fool?

  I felt
out of control and became obsessed rereading her text. I should have erased it; instead I reviewed each word, each symbol, and imagined various inflections dozens of times.

  I should have called Ryan. I was determined not to talk with him.

  I should have held back my judgments. I didn't.

  I couldn't relax, sleep, or eat. Instead, I gave myself over to the despair infecting my body. I'd given my heart just as my mother had. Her heart had been trampled. Now, mine was, too.

  I knew his reputation. Stupid! How could I be so stupid?

  One by one my family came home. I heard doors open and close. Muffled voices chatted for a while. Slowly the activity settled down. No one knocked on my door to see if I was all right. Why would they? I was always fine—at least, that's the way I appeared. In our family of dysfunction, if we seemed okay, it never crossed the minds of our parents that we might not be. I bounced from one TV channel to the next.

  Turned that off.

  Listened to music.

  Played every sad song I had in my playlists.

  Nothing calmed me.

  Sometime around one a.m., I called Alex. She'd just gotten back from her photo shoot and I knew she'd be awake. She immediately invited me to her house.

  Imaginary scenarios played in my mind.

  "I told you she was immature." I envisioned Alex saying to Tara. "We should have known she was too young to have as a friend." Tara would respond.

  I left a note on the kitchen table for my parents, letting them know I'd taken the car and where I was going.

  Hoping she wouldn't turn her back on me for ignoring her warning about Ryan, I drove to Alex's house.

  Chapter 15

  A Witch

  Alex stood at her door waiting for me.

  I threw myself in her arms and shared my story in between the sobs.

  "Oh, girlfriend." She let me cry it out until I had control of the tears and my body jerking with small gasps. A teakettle whistled. "I made us some chamomile tea. It'll help you sleep."

  She put her arm around my shoulder and we headed to her kitchen. Pouring the hot bliss into beautiful china teacups, she placed them on delicate matching saucers. It reminded me of a fantasy I'd had as a little girl—of wanting to serve my imaginary friends with my beautiful tea set. My set of cups and saucers was tucked in a basket, quilted inside to protect the porcelain. I'd sit in my basement at an old table and have conversations with all of them, creating fantasies and an imaginary life that seemed out of reach.