AMAZING HEART (Broken Bottles Series Book 4)

by Pamela Taeuffer

  "I give you my word that I won't be anywhere near Jesse, even when she's with Kevin. I'll ask him to stay away from me when they're together."

  "How can you do that?" I appreciated the gesture but didn't believe him. "He's your best friend. That would mean—"

  "You're my best friend," he squeezed my hand. "Nick, I can't control what other people do. I can only control what I do. But—"

  "What?" I tried to digest everything as he revealed it. I couldn't rest yet.

  "It wouldn't matter if she stood in front of me naked." He gathered me in his arms. "I know you don't believe me, but she's nothing. I feel nothing. I swear I don't give her a second thought. Jesse's not in my mind at all, except now that she hurt you . . ." A flash of red anger crossed his face. "I had a serious talk with her."

  "About the text?"

  "I told her in no uncertain terms to leave you alone." His voice roughened. "I wasn't easy about it. I also told her to stay away from me. From the beginning of May I've only been with the guys who don't party. Most of the time I've stayed in my room." Ryan looked down for a few seconds as if he was gathering a new set of thoughts. "Please believe me."

  "I'll try harder. It's tough for me to believe anyone's promise for all the reasons I've discussed." I started to push up from the sofa.

  "What do you need?" He held my arms, obviously wanting to make sure we were settled.

  "Well . . . I do have to go to the bathroom," I blushed and then giggled, trying to end the heaviness of our evening for a moment. "I'd love another cup of tea, though."

  "It'll only take a minute to warm up the water," he laughed at my response and offered his hand to help me to my feet. "Take your time."

  Heading for his master bathroom, I turned to watch him as he prepared my tea. Ryan was like an easy smile the way he filled the kettle and watched it carefully, just for me. He put a fresh bag of tea in my cup and topped it off with a little cream. I loved his big shoulders. They were luscious to look at as they moved, bulged and flexed.

  Washing my face felt as if I was clearing the spider webs I'd felt from earlier that evening. The urge to sleep was beginning to take me over. As I turned out the light and stood in the doorway, I wondered: were we sleeping in the same bed, or would I rest alone in his guest room because I wasn't feeling up to par? I started to put on the slippers he left for me, and then changed my mind. I've got a better idea.

  "Can I borrow a pair of socks?" I peeked out of the bedroom. "My feet are getting cold."

  "I've got a great cure for your cold feet," he smiled. I watched as he pulled the sofa closer to the fireplace and piled some blankets and pillows in front of it. "We can sit here."

  "Ah, great idea," I praised, secretly delighted that my plan had worked.

  As Ryan turned to get the mugs of tea from the kitchen, I wrapped my arms around his waist. We stood together in a silent embrace, our bodies giving in and savoring the moment. When it was time, our spirits made a temporary agreement to separate. I patted his belly and let him go, sitting on the blankets with my back against the sofa.

  "Here you go." He handed me my cup.

  "Thanks." I blew on it to cool it down before taking the first sip. As the fire crackled and danced, I started to yawn. With a stretch I surrendered and leaned into his body.

  "Ready for bed?" He put his arm around my shoulder and caressed my hair.

  "Almost. I could fall asleep right here," I admitted. "It won't take much. How come you didn't call me and ask me to meet you somewhere to talk? Why have Manny take me here? Was it just for medical reasons?"

  "I planned to. I was coming to see you at your house tomorrow, but your fall put an end to that. I had to know you were all right. The only way to be sure was to bring Dr. Welluck with me. I needed to capture you." He cleared his throat. "I had to have you under my control."

  "God, Ryan."

  "Well, you give on at least that point, don't you?" he grinned.

  "Yes, I admit I—"

  "Secondly," his face lost its tease and hurt replaced it. "You told me to fuck off, right?" He looked me squarely in the eyes. I couldn't stand his directness and when I looked away, he turned my head so I'd have no choice but to look at him. "You told me not to call you and I was dead as far as you were concerned."

  Oh, those words sound terrible when I hear them bounce back at me.

  "You and I both know there was no way you would have agreed to meet with me," he continued caressing my face. "You wouldn't even answer my calls so how could I explain myself unless I escorted here tonight. Do you believe me?"

  "Yes, I do, but—"

  "I was so afraid you were injured. I . . . I didn't know and . . ." he stumbled over his words. "I had to know you were okay. Your body . . ." his voice cracked. "It was twisted, and . . . I wouldn't cheat on you when you'd just told me that you loved me. Why would I take a chance, seeing a woman who means nothing and risk the loss of your confidence and trust? I wouldn't."

  "I guess . . ." My mind swirled with the new information Ryan shared. "Because of her text I thought you wanted me for love and sex at home and on the road . . . Alex said you guys traveled together. I imagined the worst."

  "Used to, Nicky, and only on occasion. Your pipeline of information hasn't been very accurate. When are you going to start trusting what I say, instead of your friends' gossip?"

  "I don't listen to gossip. They were only trying to—"

  "Warn you?" He paused. "Those warnings cause you to interpret outcomes from your fear. That fear can make everything dark and bleak." He kissed me lightly on my forehead.

  Oh, I love this place. I've missed it here.

  "I wouldn't do that to you." He rubbed my shoulders. "I know the difference between getting laid and having the chance for love. I want your love."

  "Why would you want me to come on a road trip if you don't travel with your girlfriends?"

  "Oh, Nicky." His eyes became hooded. "It's not the same when it comes to having you with me. Going on the road with you? As much as possible, sweetheart; as much as possible."

  "Okay."

  I interlaced my fingers with his. We bonded together in the stillness of what might be.

  Chapter 29

  Flooding

  The silence surrounded and covered us. We both nodded off. I was tucked into his body, safe, comfortable and taken care of in every way.

  "Baby?" he asked, squeezing my shoulder gently to wake me. "Do you need something else to soothe your soft belly before we go to bed?" His arms lifted from my body. Our fingers and hands untangled. After a quick kiss, he got up. I gathered the blankets and tucked one of them around me on the sofa. A sense of being from a higher level whispered.

  "I'm good actually." I laughed as he started to walk away. Although groggy, I leaned back to better appreciate the view.

  "What's so funny?" An arc of electricity seemed to reach from his body as he turned around wearing his wry grin.

  "Just now, when you talked about soft bellies, it reminded me of a vision I had of you as a big, fluffy papa bear." I giggled and saw his face fill with love. "Your bear hugs are lovely and you have a small little belly surrounded by all those muscles. The name fits perfectly. You know I like to give it a poke, don't you?"

  "Hmm . . . I think I like that." His body seemed to relax completely.

  "Me, too," I smiled.

  "Poke me any time." He walked into the kitchen wearing a smirk and fixed another warm drink for me. In only a minute or two he returned and handed me another mug. "Just some warm milk with a little honey in case your stomach is feeling acidic. It will help you sleep."

  Another unspoken observation . . . he always knows.

  "Thanks, this tastes fabulous." I took a long sip. "I love warm milk."

  "Lift up, sweetheart." When I stood, he wrapped his big arms around my waist. Gently, he gathered my body on his lap, first taking the warm milk and placing it on the end table.

  His muscular chest pressed against my back.

&
nbsp; His legs were under mine.

  My belly rippled as his hands rested on it.

  "If I wanted sex I could've had it. I didn't with Jesse or with anyone else." His cheek rested on mine. "I'm waiting for you, Nicky, only for you."

  The desire in Ryan's voice was obvious. He spoke in low, sensual tones. His voice triggered tiny lightning bolts in my chest and sent electric surges straight down my body. His thumbs rubbed my temples. His hands went through my hair, covering my scalp, touching me lightly. I let my head fall forward.

  As my shoulders dropped, it was as if I'd relaxed for one of the first times in my life. My defenses, if only for the moment, were down. I opened in more ways than I understood that night. My body began to release the anxiety and stress from the days we’d been apart.

  Worry gave way to the possibility of overwhelming joy. It was time to say good-bye to those powerful fears. I was suddenly swollen with a dyer need to let go. I fell into tears.

  "I know," Ryan whispered. He didn't ask what my tears were about. He understood. Hearing those words come from the man who loved me was everything. It felt like a barrier had broken from deep inside of my soul. That he could see me so deeply, know my pain, my loneliness, and my struggle to let someone come close, was overwhelming.

  Glistening droplets from the bathwater that perhaps had turned into diamonds seemed to gather on my body. Their warmth showered me with the precious moments exploding for the two of us. The brush stroke across our lives had become soft and was colored with gold.

  "It's why I wanted you with me tonight, sweetheart. I didn't trust your parents would take care of you. I don't trust you'd take care of yourself because of the way you've been forced to put your own safety at risk for your father."

  This person believes in me. I believe in him. It's all right to open my heart. I may get bruised. Maybe we won't work. This is life. These giving moments, then crashing, forgiving and starting again . . . it's what it means to really, really, be alive.

  And so, my protective walls fell down.

  My body's core became exposed.

  I started to unwind in every way.

  I was given a glimpse of the fierce and serene pieces of life.

  A glow seemed to surround us.

  I closed my eyes and let it cover me.

  Beneath the cliff I'd hung onto all my life, my hands sometimes losing their grip, the pebbles, rocks, and boulders fell. They grazed me. Had almost crushed me. Now I was at a place of being safe. The failed trials and mistakes. The bleeding and rawness from the years of clawing and grasping to stop all the madness around me had finally filled the abyss below.

  I stepped down and let the light surround me.

  It was radiant.

  I was free.

  A kiss on the nape of my neck.

  A whisper in my ear, his tongue licking its curve, hands tracing my shoulders.

  He slowly grasped each side of my robe. It fell and rested in the middle of my arms, exposing my body just above my breasts.

  I didn't resist.

  I was his.

  His lips covered my neck. He untied the front of my robe and held my hands in his. When he placed them at my sides, the robe dropped, fully exposing my arms, breasts and belly. He caressed my shoulders and moved down my biceps to my wrists. His body suddenly tensed. His muscles bulged. I knew they were gathering me inside of them.

  One of his arms slid under my legs.

  The other moved to my upper back.

  Cradled inside his masculine envelope, I was protected; loved; out of danger; away from pain. He carried my exposed body into his bedroom, glancing away only to make sure our path was clear. When he put me down on the edge of his bed, my robe opened completely. It became soft puddles of fabric surrounding my hips. I was naked. Even though I was completely vulnerable, I didn't reach for the robe. I let Ryan take care of me.

  My hair tumbled around my shoulders, back and belly.

  Ryan's deep sigh filled his bedroom.

  "Don't worry." His voice relaxed me in every way. "It's brand new." He held up a nightgown. "Raise your arms slowly."

  I put my arms up.

  After his second sigh echoed off my body, perhaps giving him pause to make a memory of the evening, he slipped the nightgown over me. It had long sleeves and the soft cotton flannel felt lovely and fresh against my skin.

  When he stood in front of me, he looked like a man who was full. His body reflected his feelings—swollen and excited. His sweat pants didn't hide his erection. He embraced me once more. For a few incredible moments we simply looked into each other's eyes. It was a silent acknowledgment of who we were and what had just happened.

  Ryan had taken many risks that night—carrying me to the medical station, disguising himself and coming in the room, bringing me to his apartment, having a doctor check me—all for love. In doing those things, I had softened. I was receptive and wanted to be together in new ways.

  Anxiety that had previously chanted he'll abandon you, dissolved into the night. He told me the truth. I believed him. We'd reached another level of togetherness and respect. He lay me down on the crisp sheets, scented as if they'd hung in fresh air and soft breezes. Once the warm covers enveloped me, he kissed my forehead.

  "Oh, Nicky." Ryan sat next to me on the side of the bed, his hand on my cheek.

  Love took me over.

  I covered his hand with mine.

  "Matt told me what you did for Tara when we were away. Your heart is love. Please don't starve me of that again. You're all I want. Do you believe me? Tell me honestly."

  "Yes."

  "Go to sleep, my sweetheart. I'll be back to check on you in a bit." He kissed my hands, tucked them under the covers, turned out the light, and left the room.

  When I’d first come to his apartment that night, I was certain he'd spin some story of why he was with Jesse. I thought he'd give me a dozen excuses to keep alive the possibility of sex with me while having it on the road as well. Instead, he made sure I was safe, relaxed, reassured, cuddled, and put to bed surrounded by warmth. Someone held me instead of leaving me to take care of myself. Ryan made sure my needs were met. I knew I was important to him. He didn't leave me abandoned in my dark shadows. Engulfed in those thoughts, I drifted off.

  Later when Ryan got in bed, I was aware enough to know he was naked. He took me in his arms and turned me on my side so I folded into his body. I lifted my leg over his. He held my head to his chest.

  His gentle movements were as if a promise was made—one that made me believe we could be the moon and sun, Shiva and Shakti, lovers and friends . . . forever.

  "You need to behave." I was still groggy.

  "I will." He kissed the side of my face. "I promise."

  "I love your chest." I kissed it. "I know. I tell you all the time, but . . . I do."

  Making sure he knew that I loved him, I said the three words I'd first said in the players' parking lot. They were the same three words that had pushed me through the deep pain of my fears. I said them for us—a man and a woman, lying quietly, unafraid and together.

  "I love you, Ryan."

  His arms enclosed my body, holding me inside them throughout the night.

  On this day, the direction of my life changed forever.

  Chapter 30

  Monitoring My Blood Pressure

  When I awoke, I was in the same position in which I'd fallen asleep. The filtered light, which splayed out in filmy rays through the bedroom window, proved the day was well into morning. My hand rested on Ryan's heart. His hand rested on top of mine. I wondered if we had been that way all night.

  "What time is it?" I stretched out my calves and feet and wiggled my toes.

  "Almost ten. Mmm, Nicky."

  "What?"

  "Your body stretching against mine . . . I told you before how good that feels."

  "I thought it was late." I tried to stay away from sexy talk. I was afraid my heart was so open that it might explode through my body and all my blood
would be lost.

  This morning, this feeling . . . it's too good to be true.

  "I feel like I blacked out," I lifted my head a little so I could look at him. His eyes were closed.

  "How come?" He squeezed my hand.

  "I don't remember waking up at all. In fact, I haven't slept this late since . . ." His body was coming to life—and quickly. "You know, the first time you stayed overnight with me in my bedroom." It was as if the memory of that evening sprinkled glitter inside me. "I went back to sleep after you left for your road trip. Remember you called and woke me up?"

  "I remember you invited me to kiss you—a lot." He turned on his side to face me.

  "I just woke up, Ryan."

  "And?"

  "Doctor's orders were for me to be calm. Hearing you talk about kissing isn't good for my blood pressure, so shh."

  "How do you feel this morning?" I was sure he knew I was weaker for him than ever before. "We should get a reading on your blood pressure."

  "I feel okay thanks to you and Dr. Welluck. Is your arm okay?" I patted and then kissed his chest. "Poor thing having me sleep on it all night."

  As he lay back again, he slowly brought my head down to rest on him. It was a delicate and wonderful move. Feelings stirred in my belly from that one, simple gesture.

  "Nothing in me can sleep when you're close," he said smoothly. "Every part of me is wide awake, waiting for your touch, your kiss, and your body to press against mine. That night we slept in your room and I pulled you close so often? It was because I couldn't sleep next to you without touching you in some way . . . God, woman; you feel wonderful."

  The day had barely begun and he'd already pushed the "play" button on my body. I sensed that he'd read a library of books on seduction and had memorized them all.

  "When do you have to go to the ballpark?"

  "I still have a few hours. Let's just relax a while," he encouraged. "You shouldn't get up too fast, you might get dizzy."