Home Skillet

by Sandra Damien

  I pulled back enough to touch my forehead against his. “Sorry it took me so long to figure it out. But I think I’ve loved you for a long time, and it’s about time you knew. Hell, maybe I knew it back then, and that’s why I ran to Jenna. But you’re the best thing in my world.”

  “I love you too,” he murmured. “I always have.”

  “Always?” My heart tripped over that single word.

  He hesitated a beat before he spoke. “Yeah. Pretty much always.”

  “Why didn’t you ever say anything?” I said incredulously.

  “Would it have changed anything?”

  “I guess not.”

  “That’s why.”

  As much as I wanted to strip him naked there and then, it had to be right, and for that, I needed a flat surface and plenty of room. I led him to the bedroom, then closed the door, leaving the lights on. I wanted to see him, and I wanted him to see me. All of me.

  His expression had changed. The hurt look from before had been replaced, and this time when I looked at him, all I saw was hope.

  I covered his mouth with mine, kissing him with everything I had. I wanted him to know how I felt, how much I wanted him.

  “God, I love you,” I murmured against his lips. He tasted like blueberries and balsamic, and I knew that I'd never be able to eat that dessert again without thinking of him. He backed up, then sat on the bed, tugging me down on top of him.

  "You feel so good," he breathed as I lowered my head to kiss along the side of his throat.

  "You feel good too." His hands were beneath my shirt, his fingers dipping below the waistband of my jeans to grab my ass, pulling me against him with more pressure. I moved with him, our bodies like liquid. It was so easy to get lost in him, to let the sensations take over. It felt surreal to touch him—I was still wrapping my mind around the fact that I could touch him like this anytime I wanted to. He was mine, and I never wanted to stop.

  But when he nudged me up, I went, letting him pull my shirt over my head. The rest of our clothes disappeared just as quickly. There was nothing better than the feeling of Ben's skin against mine. He always seemed to be a couple of degrees warmer than me, and I savored the heat as I slid my hand up over his chest. His heart beat against my palm, steady, if not a little fast. Mine was hammering, pushing my heated blood through my veins. Knowing what we were about to do, knowing how Ben’s body felt around my cock, the sounds he made when I pushed inside him—it made me ache with anticipation.

  I wanted all of that. I wanted to watch him fall apart beneath me, to feel his muscles clenching around me, to smell the sweat and musk of his body.

  “Jimmy.” The way he said my name destroyed me. I met his eyes with mine, and his need mirrored my own. “Condom.” It was a command, not a suggestion.

  I scrambled to the bedside table and pulled open the drawer. Thankfully Ben kept all his supplies within easy reach, because my mind wasn’t working at full capacity. My fingers were clumsy, making coordinated movement difficult. The mattress moved as Ben repositioned himself underneath me, and when he sucked my cock into his mouth, what little mental capacity I had left fled completely.

  “Fuck. Christ, Ben.”

  His hands went to my hips and he maneuvered me, encouraging me to move, thrusting deeper to the back of his throat. It felt incredible, wet suction and hot pressure. He moaned around me, sending vibrations of pleasure right through me.

  I let my head hang, the angle giving me a clear view of Ben, body taut and eyes closed, his hands gripping me so tightly his knuckles went pale. I watched my dick disappearing into his mouth as I thrust forward, and saw it glistening with spit as I withdrew. It was possibly the most erotic thing I’d ever witnessed, and the sight alone had me tipping precariously close to the edge.

  “Stop,” I managed, though the word sounded almost slurred. “I’m gonna come if you don’t stop.” Summoning all my willpower, I pulled away. I grabbed Ben under the armpits and hauled him up the bed, then covered my body with his. “Don’t wanna come until I’m inside you.”

  He kissed me hard and grabbed the lube from my hand. He coated his fingers, and I sat back on my haunches to watch as he pulled his knees back. After circling his hole twice, he pushed one finger inside.

  I sucked in a breath, watching Ben fuck himself. His other hand went to his cock to stroke, and I wasn’t even sure he was aware he was doing it. I imagined him like this when he was alone, thinking about me. The thought went straight to my already hard erection, making it pulse against my thigh.

  I rolled the condom down over my length, then squeezed the base with just enough pressure to regain some control. Picking up the lube from where Ben had tossed it on the sheets, I slicked myself up.

  Going slow was painful. My entire body was lit up with the need to be inside Ben. It took every ounce of restraint I possessed to hold back, but I pressed the head of my cock against Ben’s entrance and carefully pushed through. He hadn’t had a lot of time for prep, and I didn’t want to hurt him.

  Ben gasped as I breached him, and then his legs tightened around me and his heels dug into my ass, driving me forward, burying me to the root.

  “Fuck,” I cried, my thighs clenching as I fell over him, my hands going to the mattress beside his shoulders. He tangled his hands in my hair, pulling me down, erasing the last of the space between us. I kissed him, and he moaned into my mouth as I pulled back, then began to thrust.

  I moved inside him, sheathed in his body, working myself in and out, trying to work myself deeper with each passing moment. He grabbed me, hard enough to bruise, desperate and needy, and fuck, I knew how he felt. I couldn't get close enough to him, couldn't get enough of him. I needed more than this, needed all of him.

  He was everything and I closed my eyes as I kissed him harder, surrounding myself in the sensation of his internal muscles enveloping me. The urgent, incoherent sounds that rose from the back of his throat spurred me on, and I increased the pace, intensifying the rhythm until sweat dripped from me, slicking our skin.

  The ball of fear that had lived inside me almost my whole life disappeared when we were like this. Tangled up in each other, locked together, it was only Ben and me, and the entire universe faded into the background.

  I nuzzled against the curve of his shoulder, sucking at the salty skin there, and angled my hips, waiting for his body to respond the way I wanted.

  When he rocked into me, his abdomen tightening and his whole body trembling, I knew I was in the right place. Over and over I stroked against his prostate until the sounds he was making had disintegrated into the most primal noises I'd ever heard from him.

  I arched over him, giving myself just enough room to reach between us. I wrapped my hand around his cock, the rigid length straining against my palm as I began to stroke. It only took a few seconds before his body tightened and he cried out my name, hot semen spilling over my hand.

  As his body clenched around me, the tremors of his orgasm sent my own crashing into me. I squeezed my eyes shut, the waves of pleasure surging hard through me as I came deep inside him.

  For several long minutes we stayed like that until the aftershocks faded. I shifted, pulling out and rolling onto my side before dragging Ben against me. I didn't care that we were sticky and sweaty and covered in come.

  Nothing had ever been this perfect.

  We lay like that until our breathing evened and our hearts slowed. Eventually I got up long enough to clean up before I climbed back into bed, wrapping myself around him again.

  I buried my nose against him, inhaling his essence until my lungs fought for space with the fullness of my heart.

  I breathed him in, letting the scent of his skin chase away any lingering doubts until the rawness became resoluteness. More than anyone else on the planet, Ben was the person I trusted most. The one I’d loved before I’d even realized what it meant to love. The one who’d loved me unconditionally even though I hadn’t deserved it.

  I would never take him gran
ted again. That much I could promise.

  I wasn’t sure if I was ready to shout it from the rooftops yet, but as long as I could tell Ben every day how much I loved him, that’s all I needed. I hoped it would be enough for him too, for now.

  “I wish I was braver than this, Benny.”

  “What are you talking about?” he murmured. “You’re one of the bravest people I know. Look at everything you’ve accomplished. Can’t reach that level of success if you don’t have balls of steel.”

  “I don’t. If I did, I would have come out already, but I’ve been too scared to do it. Terrified of what people will think.” I shuddered a breath. “What they’ll do if I’m not secure enough to stand up for myself when I was too afraid to even tell you how I feel.”

  He nestled himself against my chest and nodded, not saying anything, not judging. As if he knew how much I judged myself already. I stared up at the stuccoed ceiling, needing to get this out before we returned to the reality of a world where people like us were deemed lesser.

  “How do you feel?” Ben said quietly, tracing feather-soft circles over my skin.

  I swallowed and held him tighter to me, like he was a lifeline, guiding me back to shore when I felt completely lost at sea. “I thought that maybe if I married Jenna, I could ignore this part of me. It made so much sense at the time. But I crafted a whole persona based on a lie, and I just… I don’t know where to go from here. I’m tired of denying this part of me. I’m just so tired.”

  “You don’t have to deny anything, J. You can be who you are, and who you choose to be with is nobody’s business but yours.”

  “You’d be okay with that, with being with me behind closed doors and ‘just friends’ in public?”

  He pressed a kiss to my temple. “Coming out isn’t easy. You remember what it was like for me.”

  He’d gotten jumped in the high school parking lot more than once, ended up with bloody noses and bruised ribs at the hands of some kids who didn’t take lightly to faggots in their class. The night he’d told his folks was particularly bad, but he couldn’t lie about why he kept coming home with torn clothes and split lips anymore. I’d been terrified for him, convinced his dad was gonna finish the job the kids at school had started.

  They came around in the end. I couldn’t say it would be the same for me, though.

  “I don’t think I’m ready. I’m s—”

  “Don’t. It doesn’t matter. All I care about is that I get to be with you, that this makes you happy. I don’t need to put an announcement in the paper for this to be real. This is as real as it gets.”

  It was the conversation I’d been waiting to have since we’d first gotten tangled up in each other, but I’d never expected it to be this easy. Could it really be that simple? Could Ben really be happy loving me behind closed doors? I didn’t know, but I wanted to cling to the belief that it was possible. That was probably incredibly selfish, but I wanted him more than anything. Maybe one day I’d be ready to love him out in the open. Just not yet.

  We were quiet for a while, both lost in our own thoughts.

  “I’ve been thinking about what you said earlier,” he said after a while. “About going back to school?”

  “Yeah?”

  He turned on his side and raised himself onto his elbow. “I’ve always been good with numbers. Maybe I could look into business school or something.”

  I frowned. “That doesn’t sound particularly fun.”

  “No, wait, hear me out.” He sat up now, excitement lighting his features. “What if we went into business together? Maybe open our own restaurant, or maybe a private culinary school or something.”

  “Culinary school?” I said with amusement. “Where did that come from?”

  “I dunno, just throwing out ideas. I’ve seen you in action, and though it’s obvious you love to cook, I don’t see you relegated to a kitchen for the rest of your life. Wouldn’t it be something to spread some of that joy around? Start up the next Carver revolution.”

  I chuckled. “That would be something. But I thought this was about you.”

  “It is about me. I think we should go into business together. And for that I need to go to business school.”

  “Sounds like your mind’s made up.”

  “I’m very impressionable.”

  I threaded my fingers into his hair and pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth. “You’re incredible, is what you are. And I’m behind you no matter what you decide.”

  “Back atcha,” he whispered. His eyes were bright when he pulled back, satisfaction curving his lips. His stomach chose that moment to growl loudly. “But first, food.”

  I laughed, slapping his ass and rolling off the bed. “Never change, okay?”

  “Don’t plan on it.” He grabbed my wrist as I headed for the bathroom and pulled me down for another long, hungry kiss.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Ben

  Days passed, and it felt like everything had changed, like Jimmy and I were living in this blissed-out little bubble where nothing could touch us. All the weirdness that had ever existed between us had vanished, so completely it was difficult to remember it being any other way.

  I had no idea how permanent this all was, but the “I love you”s were more than enough for now. It was like I’d woken up one morning and gotten everything I’d ever wanted.

  Almost, anyway.

  The more I thought about what Jimmy had said, the more appealing the idea became. Going back to school wasn’t something I ever saw myself doing. The longer I went without picking up where I’d left off, the more I’d written it off as a ridiculous fantasy that had no place in real life.

  But maybe it wasn’t so crazy after all. I was sure a million people went back to school later in life, and the idea of going into business with Jimmy had burrowed itself in my brain, grabbing hold and taking over until the mere thought of it was enough to get my heart racing.

  I found myself imagining cutting that giant ribbon at the opening of our school. I fantasized about having my own office and designing campaigns to get kids excited about cooking, and the idea that Jimmy shared a dream with me—that we could build something great together—filled me with a sense of elation that I just couldn’t tamp down anymore.

  I nudged Jimmy and smiled at his answering groan.

  “You awake?” I asked as coyly as I could. Of course he wasn’t fucking awake. No one was. The sun wouldn’t be up for hours.

  He rolled over, his hair sticking up in all different directions as he looked at me in the near darkness. “What is it?”

  “You wanna go somewhere with me today?”

  “Where?” His voice was low and rough from sleep, and the sound scraped over me.

  “To Eastview Community College. I’m going to pick up an application. You were right. This needs to happen.”

  He grinned, slow and lazy, and pulled me under him. He leaned down and kissed me. “Babe, I’d go anywhere with you, but not until I get another four fucking hours of sleep.”

  As he rolled off me, he kissed me once more, then pulled the blankets back up to his chin. He was snoring softly again within minutes.

  I smiled against his skin, closed my eyes, and fell asleep.

  “This is fucking trippy,” I said, as Jimmy and I stepped through the doors of the administrative building. I hadn’t been back on campus since the day I left. It was like stepping through a wormhole back to 1989, only the students dressed better.

  Being there with Jimmy was even weirder.

  “You remember where the admissions office is?”

  “Yeah. Just down this hallway, I think.” We turned and found it, the same woman still working behind the desk. “Shit, it’s like I never left.”

  I wondered what it would be like once I was enrolled again, sitting back in the same classrooms, maybe listening to some of the same professors. There was a part of me that was so fucking nervous I didn’t have what it took, and part of me that was so raring to go, I wou
ld have started that minute if it’d been a possibility.

  “Excuse me,” I said, sidling up to the desk. “Could I please pick up an application package?”

  “Of course,” she said, smiling like she was hosting a game show. “But if you were wanting to apply for the September intake, be sure to get your application in before Friday. That’s the deadline.”

  She slid the envelope across the counter to me.

  “Thank you,” I said, picking it up and feeling the heft of the paperwork inside. If I remembered correctly from the last time, there was an essay involved, and I didn’t think they’d be all that impressed if I submitted the same one.

  “You’re most welcome.” Her eyes narrowed as she gazed at me. “And be sure to check the appropriate boxes if you’re applying as a mature student. There are some grants and bursaries that may apply, depending on your situation. The information is all inside there.”

  I thanked her again, shooting Jimmy a look as we breezed out of the office and back to the courtyard.

  “Did I just get called… old?” I asked once the doors had swung shut behind us.

  “I think you did.”

  I laughed but once again was reminded how many years it’d been since I’d taken a class or studied for an exam. It wasn’t like I’d been attending Mensa meetings since then either. In fact, I’d been working at the most mindless place in America.

  “What if I totally suck at this, J?”

  He stopped walking and looked at me and I felt better before he’d even opened his mouth. “And what if you don’t totally suck at this, Benny?”

  I nodded once, my throat feeling thick. “You’re right. You have faith in me. I just gotta have faith in me too.”

  “You’ve got this. Now, let’s go celebrate.”

  “Little premature, isn’t it?” I asked.

  “It’s never too early to celebrate,” he said with a grin. “Isn’t Jojo’s around here? I’m sure they’ve got a blue-plate special for ya, grandpappy.”

  “Fuck you. You’re two minutes younger than me.”