Substitute for Love

by Karin Kallmaker

  “It worked on you.”

  “You mean it worked on you.”

  They bickered companionably and Holly glanced at her watch. Maybe if she hadn’t waited so long — it just seemed like everyone was paired off for the night.

  “What about her?” Jo nudged Holly toward the end of the bar. “She’s hot. Ask her.”

  She followed Jo’s gaze, then shook her head. Her vision swam for a moment, and the music seemed to choke her ears. She was panting, all of a sudden, and felt a ripple of heat across her arms and back.

  Jo gave her a push — she couldn’t know.

  One step closer, then two. Look up, Holly thought. It’s me, look up. You’re nobody to her, she told herself, but she couldn’t stop her silent plea: Look up. It’s me.

  The other woman’s head came up, then abruptly swiveled in Holly’s direction with recognition.

  Jo and Sandi passed her on the way to the dance floor. “You have her attention, now,” Jo said. “Go get her!”

  Another step. She stopped, not at all sure she had an invitation to approach. The other woman’s eyes — amazing, melting eyes — seemed to be pleading with her to keep her distance, but then one hand raised and turned palm up. Her fingers curled in resignation or invitation. Holly couldn’t be sure.

  Holly touched the curling fingertips with her own. The jolt shuddered every nerve. It was a new sensation; she had not known skin could hunger.

  A tug on her hand, then a moment when they stood toe to toe. It ended with hands on her waist, something whispered that might have been a prayer.

  Then, the kiss.

  Reyna breathed in the scent of her hair as their lips met, then was lost in the soft, moist heat of the other woman’s mouth. She was welcome there, needed, and a moan grew between them, shared, mutual.

  Holly knew she could blame it on the music, blame it on the night. Blame it on her body, on her mouth, which had never wanted like this before. She had no choice, but to be here was a choice. Mutually exclusive propositions leading to a resolution. She heard the other woman’s low moan, felt hands in her hair. Their mouths parted, then merged again.

  Was this a tidal wave? Reyna filled her hands with silken hair, cupped the other woman’s face and drank from her mouth an urgent tenderness that left her aching for air and more kisses. She tried to revert to who she needed to be. Sexy, but aloof. Sexual, but not friendly. It was just for the renewal, just to vanquish the black hole. She did not want to know this woman’s name, did not need to understand her dreams and hopes, could not want to hear her voice speaking of things she loved. She did not want to hear her name in this woman’s sighs.

  She could not have these things, so she must not want them. She was here for the sex, something honest and clean, freely given.

  She traced those soft, welcoming lips with her forefinger, and when it was kissed, she offered more fingers, then could not bear another moment with her mouth bereft of such sweetness. These kisses were harder as arms coiled around shoulders and hips.

  Her lungs clamored for air — she had forgotten to breathe. She gasped to fill her lungs while her mouth begged to return, to taste again.

  The other woman said something, but it was lost in the music. Reyna put her ear next to those soft lips. “I’ve never done this before,” she heard.

  Reyna answered with the truth. That it was the truth surprised her. “Neither have I.”

  Part 3: Glass

  Now we see through a glass, darkly.

  - I Corinthians (13:12)

  11

  Holly had a vision of that defining moment when she had launched herself across Clay’s office, hoping to find her heart’s fulfillment. She had not felt like this, but surely this was no less impulsive, and no less likely to end in disaster. Her mind tried to make her pull away, to find restraint, but her body was saying yes, yes to hands on her breasts, her face, her hips.

  Her heart wanted a place in this moment, longed to build on it. Her body pushed her heart out of the equation — she had to explore this mystery, to solve this puzzle, to find new constants for her life. And her body went on saying yes until her mouth said yes, she wanted to go someplace to be alone. She remembered at the last minute to wave good-bye to Jo. She didn’t know if Jo saw her and then couldn’t think about it anymore.

  Yes, she said, yes. Finally, she asked for a name. Reyna sounded like an ancient queen or a Greek goddess. She held the name inside her mouth and knew she would need it, that she would finally know the passion that would force the name out of her along with sounds she had never made before, moans and pleas she could not even anticipate.

  “I’ve never done this before,” she said again. Reyna didn’t seem to understand what she meant. First she said she hadn’t either, then she said she had. Did she mean kissing a stranger or taking a stranger to bed? Holly realized then that Reyna couldn’t have understood that she had never done any of this before. She had certainly not ground herself so urgently against someone as to set off a car alarm.

  She ran from the noise and for a moment wanted to go on running. She was frightened, not of Reyna, but of the next few hours. She didn’t know what to do, didn’t even know what she wanted.

  What she knew was that she no longer walked a spit of land between past and future. She was in her future, at last. An inferno blazed all around her like a ritual of fire she had to pass through to find her way. Caught by the heat, she could not see what lay on the other side — a mountaintop, or an abyss.

  Reyna kissed her again and nothing else mattered but the yes of her body answering the demands of Reyna’s mouth.

  Reyna was lost in Holly’s mouth, which seemed to crave gasps and tongue and feverish lips. It was hard to find the will to end the kiss, but they needed to get out of the parking lot. Holly stumbled on the concrete, but Reyna caught her, setting off another chain reaction of desire.

  Holly stopped walking when she must have realized they were heading for the Virago. “I’ve — I’ve never done this before,” she said again.

  Holly’s gaze shot up to her face, but Reyna wasn’t teasing when she said, “You just hold on. You’ve already proven you’re good at that.”

  Her voice heavy with meaning and promise, Holly said, “Show me what to do.”

  Reyna swallowed hard and tried to gesture nonchalantly at the bike. “Just throw one leg across and I’ll squeeze in front of you.”

  Holly used Reyna’s arm for balance as she settled astride the bike. “Is this okay?”

  Reyna had thought she was the one in control, but the illusion crumbled when she looked down into Holly’s upturned face. She was kissing her again, her hand running down Holly’s throat, down her arm, her stomach, to the place now so exposed. Holly groaned and tried to stand. Her whole body was shaking and Reyna could barely hold her. This was what they both wanted.

  Holly was whimpering, groaning, and Reyna abruptly realized that Holly was on the verge of climaxing while straddling the bike, and that was not what she wanted to happen. Not surrounded by traffic fumes and the stale odor of cooking oil. She didn’t want it to be like this. She could not stop herself from wanting more.

  Somehow she took her hand away, somehow she once more broke away from Holly’s mouth, which was teaching her how to kiss all over again.

  Holly was gasping for breath and her arms were shivering. “I’ve never done this before,” she said, and this time it was a plea, not an explanation.

  “I want to be alone with you.” Reyna couldn’t hold back the words anymore. “Alone, together, for the rest of the night.” She made Holly put on the helmet and the jacket, though it was a journey of a few blocks. She settled on the bike, vividly aware of Holly’s thighs enclosing her hips. She triggered the ignition and Holly’s arms wound firmly around her waist. Just before she slipped into gear, Holly’s hands moved farther up, and she cupped Reyna’s breasts with an earthy moan plainly audible over the purr of the motor.

  Reyna shuddered, wished she were naked, wanted Holly�
��s hands all over her. “I can’t steer if you don’t stop.”

  Reyna didn’t know if it was her heart or Holly’s hammering against her ribs, but it subsided when Holly finally lowered her hands and clasped them together around Reyna’s waist.

  Reyna lost no time getting them to the anonymous motel a few blocks away. Holly leaned with her on the corners as if they were molded together, breast to back. She could imagine riding this way all night. They could be in Mexico before daybreak, and they could keep on running. They could wake up with the sound of the ocean in their ears, and bask in each other and sunshine.

  The import of the fantasy finally sank in and she shook herself out of it. Holly was like the others, just a few hours of freedom, a few hours of pleasure. It was bad enough she had told Holly her name. There was no tomorrow for them. Just tonight, which was already slipping into the past.

  She turned into the motel parking lot and left Holly on the bike just around the corner from the office, out of the sight of any prying eyes. She didn’t know if the clerk remembered her. She paid cash and registered as R. Langston. It was just a minor informational fraud, just the name on her birth certificate.

  Holly was standing next to the bike with the helmet in her hands. Reyna took it from her, then took her by the hand, leading her to their room. Holly was still shivering.

  She unlocked the door and said, “Wait right there.”

  Motel rooms were too dark for the kind of intimacy she liked. She turned on the bathroom light and closed the door almost all the way. There was enough light to take in Holly’s pale, strained face at the door.

  “You can come all the way in,” she said gently. “Don’t be afraid of me.”

  Holly’s voice quavered. “I’ve never… I don’t know what to do.”

  “Just stand there,” Reyna whispered. She pushed Holly firmly against the closed door. “For as long as you can.”

  Sweet mouth, and demanding. Holly’s hands seemed like fire on Reyna’s face, then Holly wrapped an arm around her shoulders, on tiptoe, offering her breasts to Reyna’s hands.

  She was softness and mystery, and her skin burned Reyna’s fingertips.

  After the kiss Reyna whispered, “There’s no hurry.”

  “I can’t — I’m …” She crushed Reyna’s hand to her breast. “Kiss me.”

  She realized then how hard Holly’s hips were churning, and the reason for her panting, rapid breath. She ached toward orgasm as well, but Holly was far ahead of her. Holly had admitted to being a novice at anonymous encounters and so Reyna listened to her own experience. “I was going to go slow toward the first one, baby, but I don’t think you can wait.” Her hands went to Holly’s zipper.

  Holly whispered, “Reyna, please.”

  Her name as a prayer — it had been so long. She finally managed to get Holly’s pants open, then slipped her fingertips down while Holly groaned out her name again, then her hips were slamming back against the door.

  “Is it okay?” She was crying. “I can’t stop — please!”

  “Hold on to me, you’re okay. Make it what you need, and hold on to me.”

  The heat and wetness that surrounded her fingers was a searing pleasure for her as well, but nothing compared to what Holly was obviously experiencing. Reyna held her, helped her, stroked urgently, then stopped when Holly was too rigid for more. Her hand cupped beauty and she could never stop wanting it. Holly’s mouth parted with a final cry and Reyna heard her name again, like a prayer.

  “I’m sorry,” Holly said. Her head swam while her ears felt as if they were on fire. She had not known she had such muscles, nor what they could do, contracting over and over as if to take the pleasure and let it spill outward through the rest of her body.

  “About what? I was more than happy to do that for you. It’s only the beginning.”

  Her body said yes even as Reyna took her hand away. She shuddered as Reyna unbuttoned her blouse. “It’s just — I’ve never done this before,” she said again, willing Reyna to understand. She lowered her gaze to Reyna’s hand as it swept over the tops of her breasts.

  Reyna’s hand stilled. Holly could feel the wet fingertips on her hungry skin. For a long minute Reyna didn’t say anything. Then her hand slipped under Holly’s bra strap, baring her shoulder. “You mean with a woman you just met?”

  Holly shook her head and Reyna stilled again. “I mean with a woman.”

  Reyna’s hand trembled. “You mean you’ve never done this before.”

  Holly felt a tickle of laughter. “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.”

  “Dear God.” Her mouth grazed Holly’s shoulder, then she drew back. In the dim light she stared into Holly’s eyes as if searching for Holly’s past.

  “I was with a man for eight years and never — what just happened, that was the first time.” She felt her cheeks stain with color, but it was hardly the time for shyness, not with her pants open, her shirt undone and Reyna’s hand on her breast.

  Reyna murmured, “He was a fool,” then shook her head as if the matter was closed. “A fool.”

  Her hands were inside Holly’s shirt now, slowly easing her bra straps aside. Holly sighed as Reyna massaged her shoulders where the straps had marked them. Clay had never done that. Would a man even know that a woman’s shoulders craved it? She felt as if she were melting into Reyna’s hands. If she was on the bed she’d probably be asleep. Drowsiness was claiming her.

  Then Reyna cupped her breasts.

  All the passion burned through her again with a gasp that echoed between her mind and mouth. Fingertips found her nipples through the fabric and gently squeezed, wrenching another gasp from her. This gasp was lost in Reyna’s mouth as she kissed Holly again. There was a promise in the kiss, something in the steady, deliberate exploration of her mouth. The hands on her breasts were a promise as well. Their rhythmic teasing was a prelude to the unknown that left Holly faint.

  “I can’t stand up…” She could hardly speak. Her heart was between her legs, throbbing a deeply aroused pulse that made her legs tremble in response.

  Gravity shifted. She felt weightless until she realized she was on the bed now. Reyna straddled her and was slowly undoing the remaining buttons of Holly’s blouse. She massaged Holly’s stomach when she was done, then her hands returned to Holly’s breasts until Holly could not stop her own hands from pulling her bra down, baring herself.

  “Show me what you want,” Reyna whispered. She offered her hands to Holly, who cupped them on her naked breasts. “Yes,” Reyna said. “I know.”

  “I can’t believe… I didn’t know how good this would feel.” All her wondering about the way a woman would feel and she had not stopped to think how she would feel with another woman’s hands on her.

  It was glorious and a wonder. Her body had been made to love another woman’s touch. She had a key, a constant for her life now. A woman’s touch was what her body would always crave.

  Holly found the strength to open her eyes and was surprised by the pain in Reyna’s expression. She cleared her throat. “What’s wrong?”

  Reyna shook her head. “Nothing. I just didn’t expect — I didn’t expect it to feel like this. For you to feel like this.”

  In a whisper, Holly asked, “Like what?”

  Reyna closed her eyes briefly and her hands paused in their massaging of Holly’s skin. “Like tomorrow.”

  Reyna moved off of Holly, suddenly standing up. Her gaze followed Holly’s hands as Holly removed the rest of her clothing. She wanted to be naked for Reyna’s hands, for whatever came next. Her blouse, her bra — she heard Reyna swallow hard. An impulse deep within her stirred. She had gone through life covering herself up, trying not to be desirable. She got to her feet, somehow, and slowly pushed down her slacks, turning so Reyna saw her first in profile. She eased off her shoes, then bared her hips, her thighs, her calves, all of herself.

  She turned to Reyna, stepping into the circle of her arms, naked, a gift.

  Just sex, fr
eely given. Holly was giving herself and Reyna should have been relieved. But she wasn’t.

  Tonight will not be enough. Reyna pulled Holly to her and kissed her hard. She wasn’t sure a hundred nights would be enough to take what was offered and to give what was needed. Holly was returning her kiss and she reeled, a moment away from falling onto the bed and offering herself as unequivocally as Holly had.

  But they had no tomorrow. There was only tonight.

  Holly sank down on the bed, pulling Reyna after her. “Touch me,” she breathed.

  Reyna let herself get lost in the lushness of Holly’s curves, the soft dimples of her skin. She explored every inch, rolling Holly in the bed until Holly clutched the sheets facedown as if they were her only grip on the world. She writhed in response to every caress, panting. Reyna traced the supple line of her shoulder blades. Thumbnails down her spine drew a choked cry. Holly pushed herself up, her body a sensuous curve of desire, and Reyna circled her ribs to caress Holly’s sensitive breasts.

  “My God, oh please, Reyna.”

  “What do you want?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “You do — of course you know.” She slid one hand down to the small of Holly’s back, then moved her hand to Holly’s calf and slowly brushed it up the back of her thigh.

  Holly went to her hands and knees, her face in the sheets. “Yes…”

  “What do you want?” Reyna knew, and she longed to be inside Holly, feeling her strongest and most intimate muscles responding to the pleasure Reyna ached to give her. There was no need to make Holly ask, except that asking was yet another step on a ladder of arousal. It was her first time — nothing before even counted — and if this was to be their only time Reyna wanted Holly never to forget her.

  “I want you inside me,” Holly whispered.

  Reyna felt a clenching response and realized for the first time that as she was working toward Holly’s pleasure her own was building. Trembling, she turned Holly onto her back and began a final massaging descent from face to hips. Holly’s hands were on hers, pushing them down. Her legs were spread in need. If Holly’s moans, the shimmer of perspiration on her arms, her taut, swollen breasts, the jerking of her hips all were not enough proof that she wanted this, the copious wetness that Reyna’s fingertips found removed any final doubt. It was what Holly wanted, and what she wanted, too.