by Komal Kant
I knew I sounded like a parent instead of Nathan’s younger sister and I hated having to assume that role. For once, I just wanted to be the irresponsible one. I wanted to be the one to stay out all night with my friends and crawl home in the early hours of the morning.
But I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t be that person. I had to be the responsible one. I had to be the strong one. I had to hold everything together.
Nathan stared at the steering wheel and then nodded. “I know. I’m sorry. I lost control and I shouldn’t have done that.” He was quiet for a few seconds, and then he spoke again. “Today is her birthday, you know?”
I squeezed my eyes shut as a lump worked its way to the center of my throat. I knew. I just hadn’t wanted to acknowledge it. Why did Nathan have to bring up something so painful? Normally, we avoided conversations about her like the plague. I guess the alcohol had taken control of his mouth and he’d brought up the central thing that had probably been bothering him all day.
“Is that why you drank tonight?” My voice was calm even though something inside of me—something I’d locked up inside a cage and then thrown into an abyss—was trying to rise to the surface and take hold of my emotions.
Well, I wasn’t going to let that happen. I was going to stay strong.
Nathan looked up at me; the whites of his eyes were rimmed with red. “I was trying to forget about her. It didn’t really work. I haven’t thought about her for so long, and then I was driving through town and I went past that shop, you know the one with all the pastries? And I thought about the time she’d taken us all there on her birthday and, fuck!” Nathan slammed his hand against the steering wheel, making me jump. “I don’t want to think about her! I want to forget that she exists!”
That natural instinct to take care of everyone awoke inside of me, and my annoyance with Nathan dissipated.
I reached over and placed both arms around him. “I know it’s hard, but you have a heart; you have feelings. Of course you’re going to miss her. Of course you’re going to think about her. You aren’t cold and heartless like she is, Nate.”
Nathan raised his head so I could only see his amber eyes that were so like mine; it was like looking into a mirror. Finally, he sighed and nodded. “You’re right. I’m not like her.”
“You can’t let her affect you so much that you lose grip, okay? Things are going well for you. Please don’t mess it up.” My tone was pleading.
Three years ago, Nathan had been on a downward spiral that had ended up with him in the emergency room from alcohol poisoning. There was no way I was going to let the same thing happen again.
“I won’t mess it up,” Nathan said, determination in his eyes. “I just slipped a little, but I refuse to fall.”
I nodded, and then gestured to the driver’s side door. “Now, get out. I’m driving.”
A smile broke Nathan’s face and he rolled his eyes at me before getting out of the car and coming around to my side. I followed him with a critical eye. He was only stumbling a little which I guess was a good thing, but there was no way I was letting him drive back to campus like this. He could crash on the couch.
Once I was behind the steering wheel, I drove the remaining twenty minutes home, lost in my thoughts. Nathan didn’t say much either and when I glanced over at him, his eyes were fluttering as he fought sleep.
We lived on the edge of town in a neighborhood that had a pretty terrible reputation. The houses on our street were old and rundown and there was more than one front yard that looked like a garbage dump.
When I pulled up outside our house, I turned off the engine and took a second to prepare myself for what I would find inside. My eyes wandered over the exterior of house as I wrestled with my thoughts. My parents had bought the house many years ago before Savannah had been born and it was the only asset that we owned.
Our house was more or less the same as all the other houses on the street. It was an off-white color that was starting to yellow. Once upon a time, we’d had a picket fence but one night after drinking too much, Dad had reversed his truck into it. He’d never bothered to fix it up so now it lay there defeated, much like the inhabitants of the house.
We didn’t have much money to fix up the house so we had to make do with what we had. Which wasn’t much. Dad worked manual labor at the stables outside of town and we survived on that. When Dad had a bad week and didn’t go to work and ended up getting drunk instead was when we really struggled.
The days that I didn’t volunteer at the Penthill Community Center, I worked at a small drugstore in Statlen. I only got one or two shifts a week depending on availability, but I saved every dollar I earned. I knew enough about the world to know that you had to work hard at something if you wanted to get ahead in life.
Nathan had earned a scholarship to Penthill University and I was planning on doing the same. He lived on campus in student housing because he couldn’t wait to leave home and get away from our alcoholic father. I couldn’t blame him but I missed having him around.
As for Savannah, she worked at a diner in town a couple nights a week, but I didn’t like her taking too much time away from her schoolwork. She needed to keep those grades up as best as she could if she wanted to get a scholarship.
“Nate, wake up.” I poked my brother in the arm.
Sometime during the half hour car ride, he had fallen asleep and currently had his head resting awkwardly on his shoulder. I hated to wake him, but there was no way I was letting him sleep in the car.
“Mmmm…what?” he groaned, slowly opening his eyes. Amber orbs peeked out at me from beneath his lashes.
“We’re home, get inside.”
Nathan let out an incoherent groan, and we both got out, letting all the cold air in. He stumbled to the front door as I followed him.
Once we were inside, Nathan stumbled off towards the living. When he disappeared, I stopped and listened for a moment, but the house was silent.
There was no light peeking out from underneath Dad’s door which was a good sign. Even though it was only ten o’clock, he’d probably been drunk enough to pass out. I was just glad I wouldn’t have to deal with him in his drunken state. I’d been dreading it since his phone call earlier tonight.
* * *
The next morning, Savannah and I were sitting at the kitchen table when her voice broke into my chaotic thoughts.
“Hey, um, Dad threw up in the living room last night before you got home.”
I glanced up, startled, and met her dejected amber eyes. She swept her long, honey brown hair to the side as she continued speaking. “I tried to clean it up as best as I could; it was really gross.”
I heaved a sigh. Cleaning up vomit was not something my sixteen-year-old sister should have to be doing. That wasn’t her job. It shouldn’t have to be my job either. On days like today, I felt like a complete failure.
“I’m sorry you had to do that,” I said with resignation. I reached out and took Savannah’s hand in mine.
She shrugged. “I heard him on the phone with you last night talking about her.” I knew she was referring to our Mom and it pained me that she couldn’t bring herself to say that word. “He went into his room not too long after that.”
I was just about to say something when Nathan strolled into the kitchen looking like death had kicked him in repeatedly in the shins. His eyes were bloodshot and his naturally tan skin was a shade lighter than usual. Alcohol definitely didn’t agree with him.
“Ugh, my head.” He slid into the chair at the table across from Savannah.
“Nate! What are you doing here?” Savannah was looking at our brother like she couldn’t quite believe he was here.
Whenever Nathan dropped me home, he never came inside the house. He wanted to avoid Dad as much as possible. The last few times they’d come face to face, they’d gotten into really bad arguments. Since then, Nathan had stayed away from the house and Dad.
“Nate had a bit too much to drink yesterday, so he stayed th
e night.” I stood up and went over to the counter to pour Nathan a cup of coffee.
Savannah looked thoroughly annoyed as she took a sip of her OJ. “You’re such a stupid head, you know that, right?”
He smiled at me gratefully when I handed him the coffee, before shooting Savannah a dirty look. “You should kiss the ground I walk on, brat. My good looks and biting wit are far more superior to yours.”
Savannah let out a strangled choke and I patted her on the back before resuming my seat. “The only thing superior about you is your age, and I don’t think that being an old fossil is something to brag about.”
“You are such a brat,” Nathan said with a glare.
“You repulse me.”
The expression on their faces grew more serious as they spouted obscenities at each other.
“You stink like man sweat.”
“You have small girl hands.”
Nathan’s mask slipped and he cracked a smile. “Damn.”
Savannah burst out laughing and I couldn’t help but join in. “Yeah! I won!”
“We’ll see about that next time.” Nate was trying to look mad, but an affectionate smile was curling around his lips as he studied Anna.
My mind couldn’t help but take a mental snapshot of this moment. It was hard to believe that despite everything the three of us had been through at such a young age, we could still have moments where we truly laughed and forgot about the problems in our lives.
The Markson kids were no pushovers.
We weren’t going to crumble just because life wasn’t going our way. We were going to do the best we could with what we had. One day we would beat this because we were strong.
“I’m gonna get ready for school. I’ll see you next time you decide to drunkenly stumble into the house.” Savannah stuck her tongue out at Nathan before walking down the hall and into her room.
“Love you, brat,” he called out after her.
“Love you, too!”
“That kid’s an angel.” Nathan turned back to me.
“I wonder who she gets it from,” I said, taking a gulp of my coffee. It’d gone tepid because I’d let it sit for too long when I’d become absorbed by Nathan and Savannah’s banter. They always teased each other like that but it never got old. They were so alike, and I was the odd one out.
Having fun wasn’t something I had time to do. It wasn’t something I allowed myself to do. Not when life was so difficult and serious. I preferred to stick firmly to reality instead of having short-lived moments of happiness. In my world, there was no point in being happy.
“Hmmph,” Nathan snorted, then lowered his voice. “So, uh, he’s not up yet?”
I shook my head, knowing very well that he was referring to Dad.
Nathan slumped back in his chair, his hands balling up into fists as he released the cup of coffee. “Guess he won’t be going to work then. That’s so typical of him. Why the hell should he care if you and Anna get fed or not, as long as he has a bottle of rum to himself at the end of the day?”
My throat felt dry when I swallowed. I knew Nathan wasn’t intentionally trying to make me feel bad, but the reality of the situation always killed a tiny part of me.
Day by day, the situation eroded away at me. The situation eroded me. Eventually, I would become a soulless, mindless shell of a person, only existing until this life was over. Some days, I wished this life was over.
When I didn’t say anything, Nathan heaved a sigh and scraped his chair against the tiled floor, moving closer to me.
He wrapped an arm around my shoulders and bent his head close to mine. “I’m sorry, Estee, I didn’t mean to talk about it. I just-I just worry so much about you guys. I can’t wait until I graduate, until I get a good job, until I can take you and Anna away from all this crap.”
“I know,” I whispered, tears stinging my eyes.
Nathan was in his third year of college, and the future he talked about was still a couple of years away. Until then, I would have to take care of Savannah as best as I could.
“Do you want me to move back home?”
I turned to face Nathan, surprised by his words. My mouth tightened and I pulled away from him. “Don’t you dare come back home, Nate. You need to focus all your energy into doing the best that you can at college and that’s not going to happen while you’re still living here. Do you understand?”
Nathan nodded and I could see relief flicker momentarily in his eyes. I knew my brother would’ve come back home if I’d asked him too, but he was also glad that he didn’t have to. I couldn’t blame him for feeling like that. This place was a hell where you had to fight to survive.
“Oh, before I forget, I grabbed this from the notice board on campus and thought you might be interested.” Nathan pulled something out of his back pocket. “They’re looking for a tutor for a ten-year-old and they’re paying a lot of money.”
Nathan handed me a flyer and I studied it, chewing on my lower lip as I read the details.
‘A lot of money’ was an understatement. They were paying a hundred dollars an hour. That was more than any tuition fee I’d ever heard of and they had requested the tutor every Tuesday and Friday. That was two hundred dollars a week!
The only problem was it clashed with my Friday at the community center. I guess I could drop one day of volunteering if I got this job. The idea of earning that much money was definitely tempting albeit a little strange.
I wasn’t a greedy person, but we needed that money. We needed that money to pay bills and to buy groceries. I was in desperate need of a job that paid well, otherwise we wouldn’t survive.
It looked like Penthill was very quickly becoming my new hangout now. “Do you think they’ll turn me down for being in high school?”
Nathan shrugged. “I figured they wanted someone in college, but you’re just as smart if not smarter. Be a bit more confident and you’ll get the job. It’s a ten-year-old, no biggie. You’ve handled worse.”
My brother was right. I had handled worse. I handled worse every single day.
“So, are you gonna call up?” Nathan asked, shifting away from me and grasping his cup again.
I slowly nodded. “Yeah, I think I’ll call now. Are you leaving or sticking around for a while?”
“I don’t wanna be here when he gets up. I have a class this afternoon so I’m gonna head back to campus.” Nathan stood up and planted a kiss on my head. “Let me know how it goes with the job.”
I stood up and followed him as he headed out, and then went into my room to figure out what I was going to say.
It was strange the amount of money they were offering as the tuition fee. And the only detail the flyer really gave was that the location was Penthill and that ‘Dylan’ was supposed to be the one to contact.
With a shrug, I reached for my cell and dialed the number at the bottom of the page. The phone rang and rang and rang. Maybe they were busy. I guess I could try again but it would have to wait until after school. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to wait that long just in case someone else beat me to it.
Just as I was about to hang up, someone answered the phone.
“Helloooo!” It was the voice of a little boy.
“Um, hi, I was just calling about the position that was advertised—“
“Oh! You want to tutor me?” The boy sounded excited; his words all came rushing out at once.
“Well, yes, I saw that a tutor was—”
“Can you meet me this afternoon?”
My brows knitted together at the sudden offer. The boy hadn’t even asked for my name and he was already asking to meet me. This was too weird, even for me.
“Maybe we should check to make sure your parents are alright with us meeting.” I wasn’t sure how legitimate this was, and as sweet as the boy sounded, I didn’t know if he was really in a position to be making these decisions.
There was a long pause on the other end of the line. “No, it’s fine. My brother said I can choose who I want my tutor to
be.”
“Oh, okay.” I still wasn’t sure how to proceed. “Is that your brother Dylan? Can I speak t him?”
“I’m Dylan,” the boy responded. “And my brother isn’t here right now. But we can meet you at the Penthill library at 4. I’m really looking forward to meeting you!”
A part of me was bursting to say yes, but the sensible part of me was still wary about the entire situation. “Are you sure about this, Dylan? Should you make sure your brother is okay with this?”
“It’s fine! I’ll see you this afternoon!” And without saying anything else, Dylan hung up.
Still reeling from the bizarre exchange, it took me a few minutes to realize that he hadn’t even asked my name.
Chapter Four
Vincent
“Should I tuck in my shirt?” Dylan asked from beside me as we leaned against the door of my truck.
My little brother and I couldn’t look any more different from each other if we tried. I was dressed in my usual blue denim jeans and denim shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and cigarette hanging out of my mouth. I looked like I was about to go and beat the crap out of someone.
Dylan, on the other hand, looked like he was about to head off to church. The little squirt was wearing a pair of tan slacks and a white shirt with the buttons done up almost to the top. I reckon he was trying to impress his tutor. All he’d told me was that she was a girl and she sounded nice.
His last tutor had been this stuffy, college guy, and I’d had enough of his arrogant bullshit and probably scarred him for life when I’d had a “talking to” with him about his attitude. Hell, not my problem he was a sensitive ass.
Reaching over, I mussed Dylan’s neatly combed hair, making the blonde strands stick up. “I think you should relax, Dil.”
Dylan glared at me with bright blue eyes. “It took me ten minutes to get my hair right.”
The look on my little brother’s face made me chuckle, if only for the fact that he was so different to Ryder, Tyson, and me, which I was actually thrilled about. The three of us were stupid, reckless, broken and scarred. Dylan was still young; he was innocent and smart. He still had a chance to have a better life.
