Reckless Abandon

by J N Owens

  Why is he so quick to change the subject? And what the hell? He worked so hard for those degrees and doesn’t do anything with them? And works for the state? I don’t think that’s a thing. I just can’t put all this together, but I will come back to this later.

  “Oh no absolutely not. In the beginning I was going to be a cardiologist. When I began in med school I was so obsessed with the heart and it’s complexities, I was absolutely in love with it. My plan was to go on to be a surgeon as well but when I was doing my residency in pediatrics something changed. There is something special and unique that comes with working with kids, getting to work with and heal children. And then I worked with a pediatrician through my residency that really inspired me, he really showed me the passion in working with kids. Then I did a rotation through pediatric infectious disease and I saw there was so much work to be done. So much room for growth and improvement, and I just knew that is where I was supposed to do. There are so many wonderful pediatricians out there doing amazing work. Yet, there is so much lacking in the field and I was immediately ready to jump in with both feet. And that was it, I found my passion.” I know I’m rambling at this point but once I get going about my job, I can’t stop. It’s the one thing I never want to stop talking about. But I do, and I have to get him back on himself. “So, tell me about your farm, what is it like? And what about your family? What are they like? I would also love to hear more about the work you do for the state.” As soon as I mention the state work a strange shadow crosses over his face, and in a flash, it’s gone. It is so weird.

  “There isn’t much to say about my farm. I pretty much said all there is. I’ll have to show you sometime. It’s beautiful out there. I raise my cattle to sell, that’s how I make my money. And as far as my work for the state, I can’t really talk about it. The work I get hired to consult on is confidential. My family lives in Tennessee where my brother works for my dad. My father runs his own financial consulting firm. He wasn’t real happy with me when I left the business to start a farm. It’s been a big deal between us.”

  “Oh I’m sorry.”

  He shakes his head. “No, it’s fine. It’s been years. I’m happy living the life I chose. And that’s all that matters. So, what about your family? I mean besides your sisters.”

  “Oh, well, my mom and dad got divorced when Emory was little. I guess she was about 9. For the longest time we had a great life, you know. We had family vacations to the beach and perfect Christmases around the tree with dad telling the Christmas story. All that stuff. Then, when I guess it was around my 17 or 18 birthday, I came home one day and found my mom in bed with her best friend’s husband. Well, to say I was shocked is an understatement. We later found out both our parents were sleeping around with multiple people. They had an open marriage of sorts I guess. When they explained it, we didn’t know how to process all of that, and we were the ones left in the aftermath. Emory took it the hardest. She has really struggled. But my mom is remarried now. She is an attorney. My dad is a retired marine who owns a private security business now. He doesn’t do much these days, he is more of a figure head now. He will get out and do things if he has to, but only if the situation calls for it.” I feel like I just blurted my entire life out in one breath.

  “Wow, do you need to talk about it? Maybe cry on my shoulder? You can come sit in my lap, if that would help you.” He gives me a sexy grin, mixed with a sarcastic laugh. Asshole. I throw my napkin at him, as I laugh.

  “Shut up, I get it. That was a lot. I know I tend to blurt things out. I’m new at this whole dating thing. I’m probably not very good at it. Sorry.”

  “No, you’re doing great. I’m sorry. That was rude. But you can still come sit on my lap if you want.” He looks too damn sexy, and it’s real hard to say no to that.

  “Yeah, I think I will pass tonight. Thank you for the offer though. Your lap looks very tempting. Anyway, I want to hear more about this super spy business of yours with the state.” I lean over giving him a smile, hoping to get him to open up a little more.

  “There isn’t much to say. It’s just consulting work. I’m not supposed to talk about it.”

  “All hush hush, huh? Super spy secret. I get it. That’s pretty sexy.” I raise an eyebrow at him.

  “Yeah, something like that.” He laughs. It’s a weird kind of laugh that I have started to notice he does when he says something serious, but he wants to make light of. It comes off very condescending, and it actually kind of pisses me off. In the short time we have known each other, all of the 2 hours of our first date, he does something like that, but then follows it up with something amazingly sweet or charming. It’s like night and day. I’m getting whiplash. As soon as that comment and fake ass laugh were out of his mouth, he leaned over and wiped the edge of my mouth, just dabbed it lightly.

  “Sorry, you had a little something. Are you finished? Did you want any dessert? I hear they have an amazing bananas foster.” Just like that I’m charmed again. I mean of course I want bananas fosters. Who doesn’t?

  We finish up dinner and walk around part of downtown. We talk, laugh, and I try to get to know him a little better. But we don’t really talk about anything serious. It’s all basic stuff like our favorite movies and music. He doesn’t read which really sucks, but there it is. I don’t know if that is something I can get over. It may be a game changer. How can I be with someone seriously that doesn’t read? That’s insane. But maybe we can have some fun. I have lived my whole life being the smart and sensible one; maybe it’s time I live my life with a little reckless abandon. I mean, look at this guy. He is the perfect specimen walking beside me. If I can’t have some fun with him, then who can I have it with? I have spent my life getting to where I am and working hard. Now my life is set, I am allowed to have some fun now. So, I will.

  By the time midnight rolls around, I’m beat. I tell him I’m ready to go, so he walks me to my car. I thank him for a nice evening and get in my car. I’m pretty sure he wanted to kiss me, but I can’t go there. Not just yet. I still have serious doubts about just how far I want to take this and getting cozy on the first night might send the wrong signals. So, a simple good night it is. I ask him to call me and I’m on my way. Is that crazy? Am I being a little too careful for someone I want to have fun with? I watch him walk away and curse myself for not at least kissing him. Fuck, I’m such a prude.

  When I’m almost home my phone buzzes. As I pull up at my house, I check it and find a text from sister.

  Emory: hey sis, I know it’s late, but I just needed to see you. Can I come over?

  * * *

  Me: yes, come on. I just pulled up.

  It only takes her about ten minutes to get to my house. When she lets herself in, I’m in the kitchen making some tea. I call out to let her know where I am. She walks in and immediately I can tell she has been crying. I go to her and put my arms around her. “What’s wrong? What can I do?”

  Emory is only a couple months from graduating college. It has been a really hard road for her since Layla and me left the house. When we were there it was easier to keep her on the upside of her depression. But with us gone she has suffered more frequently. She is the baby of the three of us. Our parents divorce hit her the hardest, that seemed to be what started her depression. It seems to come at the worst times. When it hits her, it hits hard. Any little thing can set her off and she just plummets.

  “Nothing, it’s nothing really. I’m just having a down day I guess, and it got bad tonight.”

  “Did something happen?”

  “Well, I guess. Maybe. So, I was talking to this guy for a while. And I thought we were getting kind of serious. I mean we never actually went out or anything, but we had been seeing each other at school. He would meet me in the morning before class and we studied together. There were always these little flirting things he did, always touching my hand or brushing my hair out of my face. It’s like he always found a way to touch me. And he called me every night and we texted all the time. But
tonight, I went to see him, and he was walking out of his building with another girl. I mean it’s not like he had told me we were together or promised me anything. It’s just when I saw him with this girl, it was like, I don’t know. I guess I had these hopes or whatever. And then he came walking out with this fucking super model and I’m standing here looking like a fucking dump truck. Like I ever had a chance. It’s ridiculous. Why would he have ever thought of me like that? I was stupid and naïve. He was using me obviously, to help him study and get his homework done. It’s been like this since fucking elementary school. I’m just so tired Finley. When is it going to be enough? When will I be enough?” she starts to cry. And I just can’t take it. She is so beautiful, yet, she can’t even see it. She has always been so down on herself.

  “Oh honey. You are not a dump truck. You are not naïve. Yes, he probably did use you but that’s because he is a fucking blind idiot. What a douche fuck nugget. You want me to kick his ass? Cuz I will. Right now. I’ll go over there and dick punch him.” She laughs and runs the back of her hand over her nose.

  “No, I just needed to be here tonight. I couldn’t be alone. I feel like a stupid little girl.”

  “Well, you’re not. And you can be here anytime. You know that. What can I get you? Tea or tequila?” we both laugh and say together.

  “Tequila!” At that, we take out the tequila and start shooting it back. After a couple shots we call Layla and she comes right over. The three of us put away most of the bottle before the night is over. We spend it laughing and dancing and joking. When we get together, it’s always the best time. There is nothing better than just the three of us hanging out. I don’t know how I would have made it this far in life without them. We all lay on the floor partially exhausted, sprawled out, and breathing heavily from dancing and laughing so much. We all look to each and reach out and grab hands. This is what life is all about. Being drunk on your living room floor with your sisters.

  We get up the next afternoon, extremely hungover. It was a rough night and the evidence is all over my living room. We spend most of the day just sitting around and nursing our hangovers. I feel like shit, and really just want to lay in bed. They stay all day, and we end up staying in again. That night we just hang out eating pizza and watching movies. I let Emory pick her favorites. She loves all those mushy teen movies which I secretly like too. Though, I would never tell her that. I let her think I have more sophisticated taste. I go to bed a little early because I have plans with Scott on Sunday. I tell Emory she can spend the night and stay at my place the rest of the weekend, and even through the week if she needs to. I don’t mind the company.

  I get up Sunday and head over to Scott’s. He texted me his address so I can put it in the GPS of my phone. The drive isn’t difficult, but it’s a long ass drive. At least it’s a pretty one. I get out to his place around noon. When I pull up to his house, I’m speechless. It’s stunning. There is a beautiful white farmhouse, very traditional with wrap around porch and a copper tin roof. I bet that sounds amazing in the rain. It all looks like it came off the cover of a magazine complete with a beautiful old swing and rocking chairs on the porch, the works, very country. His land is gorgeous with big oak trees and split rail fences, and hundreds of acres for his cattle. It’s amazing. I love driving down the old dirt road. He comes walking out as I’m pulling up the drive, a beautiful golden retriever on his heels. He looks as good as ever, in his same rugged jeans and tight white t-shirt. I don’t think he owns anything else. I get the same warmth all over when I see him. I get out of my car and walk around to him. “Hey cowboy. Who’s this?”

  “Hey, this is Dixie. Did you have any trouble finding it?”

  “No, it was fine. She is gorgeous.” I bend down and pet Dixie as I look around and he was right the place is beautiful.

  “You wanna come in? I made some lunch.” I smile at him, and he leads the way in.

  “Yeah that sounds good.” We head inside and it smells amazing. He has made shrimp po’boys. And they look delicious. But it is this house which is getting me. Honestly, I imagined walking in and finding a typical bachelor pad, old torn up furniture, dirty dishes and trash everywhere. Nope. It is spotless, with beautiful hardwood floors white overstuffed sofas and chairs. He has this amazing restored farmhouse table in the kitchen that I would have killed for. I just stand there in awe. The look on his face is priceless.

  “Do you like it?” He gives a little chuckle and wraps his arms around me.

  I look at him with this are your serious look.

  “Um, yeah.”

  He just laughs again as we sit down and eat. It tastes as good as it looks and smells. Who knew a farmer would be able to cook, and seafood at that? “How did you know shrimp po’boys were one of my all-time favorites?”

  “Good guess.” He smirks at me. It’s that pantie melting smirk. That is possibly the sexiest look on the planet, and it’s doing a number on my wardrobe. I think I’m actually starting to like the guy. Maybe I’ll give him a chance. He is kind of nice, and charming.

  After we eat, he shows me around the farm. He shows me his cows, the horses, and even a couple goats. They are the cutest things I have ever seen. I get absolutely giddy petting them and playing with them. They are the little Pygmy goats and I just can’t get enough of them. He just stands by the fence and watches me. “I haven’t been around a lot of animals. I guess it shows.” I laugh as I sit in the grass with one of the goats. I think her name is Jasmine.

  “No, I couldn’t tell at all.” He chuckles quietly.

  “Shut up, they are just so adorable. You know who would love it here? My sister, Emory.” I start thinking about how much this would help calm her. Maybe I will get her a goat. It could live in my back yard. I doubt they need a lot of room. “How much room do these little guys need anyway?”

  “Not much, why? You want one to take home? I don’t know how good they would do in the city. And they would eat up your house.” He has a giant grin on his face like just the thought of a goat eating my house is funny. But now thinking about it, I don’t think I want a goat eating all my flowers in my garden. I have worked hard on my yard. I’ll have to think about that.

  “Well, I was thinking about it for Em, but if they are a lot of trouble and eat everything then it’s probably not a great idea.” I start petting Jasmine again.

  “You can always just bring her here to see them.”

  “Yeah?” I look up at him.

  “Yeah.”

  “I’ll have to do that sometime. When she has some time and is feeling up to it. Thank you.” He smiles at me. I look over to him and it occurs to me that we have been out here a long time and I should probably get back before I do something I may regret. The way he is looking at me, and the way he looks right now in this light, out here in the country all hot and sexy, I will definitely not be able to control myself much longer.

  “OK. So…I’m gonna go. Thank you so much for today. I had a great time. Call me. I don’t have a lot going on this week so we should be able to get together sometime.” I walk out of the gate and go over and hug him. I know he wants to kiss me, but I walk away from him before he can. I know once those nice full lips of his touch mine, I won’t be able to stop. It will lead to more, and I know I will probably let him do whatever he wants to do to me with those hands. God! They are so big and firm, and his arms are strong and felt so safe wrapped around me. I don’t need that feeling right now. I need to go. I have to get out of here and think clearly. I can’t do that when he is this close smelling that good. So, I keep walking and wave to him as I go. I look back and he is leaned against the fence just watching me walk away. I smile and get in my car; I take a deep breath and drive away. Hardest thing ever!

  3

  Finley

  It’s only been a week, but I have been so busy that I haven’t been able to spend a lot of time with Scott. With what happened with Emory to work, I just haven’t had a minute to spare. He is very insistent too. He calls constant
ly and texts me all the time. He has shown up at the hospital a few times to check on me and take me to lunch. It was okay, but also his showing up at my work was kind of creepy. I guess it could be sweet, but I don’t know. I’ve never been in this situation, so I just don’t know what normal behavior is.

  It’s difficult for me. I just don’t have time to go out every night. I take work home almost every night. Also, I have a conference coming up in August and I have a lot of research I am preparing for that. I have been reading up on others research as well to be prepared for their seminars. I didn’t think I was going to be as busy as I am this week, which is why I told him I could get together, but now I am swamped. He has gotten aggravated with me a few times when I have told him I couldn’t come over. I mean it’s only been a week. I want to see him, but I cannot be up his ass. I totally understand him being put out, but him getting mad this early on is a huge red flag. Plus, Emory is still at my house and she is my main focus right now. I have to be there for her. So, he has to be put on the back burner. He will just have to settle with waiting until Saturday. I told him I will see him then and that is that. I don’t know if I can deal with someone that is a needier than my sister, which is saying a lot. She is a big ass baby.

  It is not like I don’t want to see him. All week long, I try to fight it while I am working, but my mind keeps drifting to Scott. Nope. I have to set my priorities. I am just shit at this. I have never had to do this before. And I don’t know how to communicate it. It’s always just been me, so the whole idea of adding another person into my world is foreign to me. I feel bad, but I’m confused. I need a guide book to all things relationship. This is crazy. I really like him and the more the week goes by the more I feel like the bad guy. Shit. Damn. Fuck all.