Reckless Abandon

by J N Owens

  “Yeah, you’re probably right.” He looks so sad.

  “Okay we can talk tomorrow.” He will be fine. He needs to get away from me and get his head on straight. I need to breathe and think things through.

  He gets in his truck and heads home. I really do hate for him to go because I was hoping to talk with him about everything, but if he does have a bug, I cannot get sick. I hate being sick. And I am a horrible sick person. I am a baby, in the worst way. I am so bad that even my sisters have sworn off taking care of me. So, that’s a big fat no to the getting sick. Also, he needs to wrap his head around the fact that we need to date, get to know each, not move in. He can deal with that on his own. Also, I don’t think I can resist him, I can’t resist him when he gets sexy and wants to be naked with me and I definitely won’t be able to deny him for long if he keeps up this whole moving in together thing, looking at me with those eyes. But that is absolutely a horrible idea.

  9

  Finley

  I made it to June. I can’t believe it. It’s been about 3 months since I started seeing Scott and all things considered, we have been doing better lately. There have been a few bumps, but we made it over them. There haven’t been any more issues with lying, or the inconsistencies. We never did actually talk about the whole clusterfuck of a weekend at his parents. After dinner that went crazy and he started talking about moving in, I spent a few days letting him simmer. After that, we kind of just went back to the way things were. Well, not entirely back to the way they were, we never quit went back to that, I guess I have kept my distance a little. I put a wall up after that weekend, and I haven’t let it back down. He still hasn’t proven to me yet that I can fully trust him. He hasn’t done anything to make me not trust him since then, but he hasn’t done anything to help me either. I guess time will tell.

  I’m real excited for this weekend because its oyster fest, and oysters are one of my all-time favorite foods. And who doesn’t enjoy a good festival? One thing about living in New Orleans is all the fun and the food. We decide to make a day of it on Saturday, and my sisters are going to join us. We always go down for it, there isn’t an oyster around that I don’t love. Same for my sisters. Scott will get to see how we really live this weekend, and not just us looking pretty. You give us a Bloody Mary and some seafood that’s when the true Cajun comes out. He might not know what he is in for. Especially when the music starts up. Oh well let’s see what he’s made of.

  We make it to the fairgrounds and its already packed. The music is loud, and people are lining the place with beers and mixed drinks in hand. I can smell the oil in the fryers, and oysters on the grill. There is absolutely nothing like it. I close my eyes and just breath it in.

  “Alright ladies what first? Food or drink?” Scott asks as he checks the place out looking a little nervous.

  “Drinks.” We all say together. You would think we were triplets the way we all think exactly alike. But that just comes from us all being so close and always sticking together.

  “Drinks it is. Let’s get you ladies fixed up.” We all head off towards the drinks. Once we are good for drinks, we head to the first oyster stand we see. And it just happens to be the raw bar. I am so happy because the raw are my favorite. Scott sees them and turns up his nose.

  “You don’t like raw?”

  “Never had them actually.” We all look at him like he is crazy.

  “Well, if you haven’t ever had them then you have to at least try them.” I turn to the girl working the raw bar and order 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, I grab some crackers, cocktail sauce and horseradish. I like mine with a lot of horseradish, Layla doesn’t. She just tosses her straight back. I add my horseradish to the cocktail sauce, mix it up with some lemon juice, dip the oyster and that’s it. Emory dips hers in cocktail sauce and puts it on a cracker. It’s all the same either way, but everyone has their own style. Whatever works for you. Scott watches us all go. Then he grabs one, squeezes a lemon on it, and adds some of my cocktail sauce that has the extra horseradish as he tosses it back. He has a strange look for a minute.

  Then looks at me and nods. “Not bad. what’s next?”

  We laugh and finish those off then head to the next one. We have fried oyster, oyster rockefeller, oysters kilpatrick, oysters bienville, oysters en brochette, and so on. We finally finish it up with a massive oyster po’boy. I am so stuffed by the time we finish. But it was all so good. We had fries along the way, my favorite way, dipped in thick brown gravy. I have made myself a complete glutton today. But its fine, I’ll run it off tomorrow. As we sit there contemplating our bad choices I look over and Scott is just staring at me, I must look ridiculous. I’m leaned back in my plastic chair rubbing my hands over my food baby.

  “What?”

  “Nothing, just thinking how beautiful you are, even with a bloated belly.” He laughs.

  “Well, just wait, next weekend is the tomato festival, and if you think I like oysters, just wait for all the things tomato.” I raise and lower my eyebrows a few times. He starts laughing.

  “I may have to sit out the tomato festival.”

  “What? Why? Are you not a fan of my fat red friend? Because you know they come in the green variety too.”

  “No, I’m not a big fan.”

  “How can you not like tomatoes? They are so good for you. Your heart and cholesterol. You need them.”

  “Yeah I know but I just don’t like them. Sorry babe.”

  “Well that’s just stupid.” I start laughing. And can’t stop it.

  “What’s so funny? Is there another cow staring at me?” Now I’m really laughing.

  “No, no cow. I started thinking about the things you eat that are made from tomatoes and it made me laugh because you said you don’t like them, but you clearly eat them. So, it’s funny.”

  “Are you drunk?”

  “Yeah, probably.” I probably really am. He just smiles and takes my hand and we head to the gate and then home. He takes me to my house, when we pull up outside, he starts to get out of the truck. I stop him from getting out. “I would love for you to come in, but I have a lot of work to do. I have to finish my presentation in time for the conference next month. And if I am being honest, I have barely started it.”

  “What conference?”

  “Don’t you remember? I told you, I have that conference in Miami. I am doing a presentation on infectious disease and immunizations.”

  “I remember you saying something, but I thought it was in a couple months.” He pouts. Like honest to goodness pouts. It’s cute.

  “It was, now it has been a couple months since I told you.” I give him a short kiss and get out.

  “I’ll call you tomorrow.” I wave as I walk up my walkway.

  I wake up the next morning with my computer still in my lap and realize I got absolutely no work done. Well, I know what I’ll be doing all day now, so that is just great. I shouldn’t have had that last hand grenade yesterday. Those things always put me out for the night. At least I have Sunday. So, I spend the day working on my presentation, I get about a third of it done. Three pots of coffee and 2 trips to the bakery later, I am content with what I have accomplished for now. I should be able to finish it up in the next week. I am so excited and can’t wait to go to Miami.

  The next week is very monotonous, nothing exciting happens at all. Work goes pretty fast, and I am just counting down the days until Miami. I’ve only got a few more weeks and then I leave. I talk to Scott every day. Since I have a half day Wednesday, I ask him if he wants to meet me for dinner. He lets me know he has something planned with a couple friends but will call me when he is done and come over. I get home that afternoon and sit down to finish up the rest of my presentation. I order some take out about 5 and eat with a glass of wine I while finish up some other work for the week. Before I realize it, it’s midnight. I check my phone and I don’t have any missed calls or texts from Scott. I’m a little worried, this isn’t like him to not call or text me. He said h
e would be here after he met his friends. I send him a quick message.

  Me: hey just checking to make sure ur alright. im heading to bed. So, I guess I’ll talk to u tomorrow.

  * * *

  Scott: hey yeah all’s good just got home. Things got late so I just came home.

  What the fuck? He didn’t bother to call or anything.

  ME: u cldnt let me know? It’s after midnight and ive been waiting for u. u cldv just let me know.

  * * *

  Scott: im sorry I didnt think it would be a big deal.

  * * *

  Me: whatever. I’ll talk to u later.

  * * *

  Scott: Fin, I said I’m sorry

  * * *

  Me: I said whatever.

  I am so pissed. He just forgot or completely dismissed me. This type of bullshit makes me absolutely furious.

  Friday comes, Scott calls and wants to go to dinner. I am still pissed. I haven’t talked to him since Wednesday. He has called and messaged me with apology after apology. I don’t really want to hear it. I don’t understand what could have come up to make him completely forget to even call me. It’s just not okay. He keeps pushing and wants to meet for dinner. I finally give in and say yes. It’s just dinner. So, whatever. I’m getting ready when my phone rings. I go pick it up and it’s my sister.

  “Hey Lay, what’s up.”

  “Stop everything right now. You are not going to believe what I just found out.”

  “Oh God, what now?

  I don’t have a lot of time, I’m about to leave so make it fast.”

  “Where were you Wednesday night?”

  “Home. Why?”

  “Well, I just talked to Jonah. You remember him from our date that Friday? He went to watch the game at the sports bar Wednesday night. He says he saw Scott there with another guy he didn’t recognize. He said they were there watching the game. Then a couple girls came in and one, a tall blond, sat on Scott’s lap. She was kissing him all over, basically giving him a lap dance, and then they got up to leave together. Just the two of them.” I am beyond livid. To the point I can’t see straight.

  “And you’re sure it was Scott?”

  “I asked him if he was sure, and he said yes. He said he would never mistake him for anyone else. He was actually pretty pissed about it.”

  “Shit. I’ll need to call you back.”

  “What are you gonna do?”

  “I don’t know.” And I really don’t. But at least I know why he forgot to call me.

  I make my way out of the house and to the car where he is waiting for me. He smiles when I get in. I don’t even look at him. He reaches over for my hand and I pull away. I can’t even look at him or touch him. He must think it’s because he didn’t call, which it is but now I know why. But he doesn’t know that.

  “Finley, I said I’m sorry for not calling you. I just got caught up with Zach at the bar watching the game.”

  I just laugh. I can’t do anything else. And then I can’t stop laughing. He just stares at me.

  “Are you okay?”

  “No, I’m not.” I manage to say through my laughter.

  “What is so funny?”

  “The fact that it’s so easy for you to say you just forgot to call because you got caught up watching the game. Like it’s a game to you, you making promises to me, promises to call, promises to come over, and leave me waiting, only for you to go off with another woman, girl, whatever she was, is absolutely astonishing to me. It’s absolutely fucking laughable. Its laughable that I have been so naïve to fall for someone because of a great ass and nice eyes, all to be fooled and lied to. I find it absolutely hilarious that I am as smart as I am, practically brilliant, but with you, I have been a fucking moron. This, right here is exactly why I haven’t dated. You, you are the reason men have a bad name, and women like me stay single. You’re a fucking dick.”

  “Are you done? I have no idea what you have been going on about.”

  “So, you want to sit here and tell me, look me in my eyes and tell me that you know nothing about a tall blond that came into the sports bar Wednesday night and sat in your lap and you left with her. That’s what you are telling me.”

  “Yes, that’s what I’m saying. I didn’t go to the sports bar Finley. We watched the game at Zach’s house.” I look at him. He isn’t flinching or anything. He hasn’t even batted an eye.

  “First of all, you just fucking said you got caught up at the bar with Zach watching the game. Secondly, you’re a fucking liar!”

  “No, I meant we didn’t go to that sports bar. Fin come on. I was with Zach I swear. You can call him and ask him. I was with him all night, and I didn’t leave with any girl. Do you want me to call him?”

  I sigh.

  “You said you were at his house. Why would you even say that if you were just at a different bar? You are making zero sense. You need to realize, I may like you, and even get distracted by you sometimes, but I am not an idiot. I am not some stupid girl you are probably used to dating. So, if that’s what you think of me, you can fuck right off. I may be new at this, but one thing I can guarantee you, I watched this shit go down for too long with my parents and I won’t be any part of it. And no, I won’t call your friend. If I can’t believe you, I don’t need to be with you. This shit is getting old. This is it. This is the last one. You pull one more of these bullshit fake ass, no show, no calls, I forgot, I’m an asshole things and I’m done.” I feel like the last few months just disappeared and we are right back at square one.

  “Alright, I got it. I’m sorry. I really am.” I look away from him.

  “Let’s just go eat.” He is fully aware at how pissed I still am.

  “OK.”

  We make it to dinner and have a decent meal. It’s still a little strained between us. I don’t know if I believe what he said, I still have a strange feeling. I still have this battle going on inside me. A battle between two sides, to believe or not believe. He seems so sincere and like he is telling the truth, but maybe he is just a great liar. I hate to feel like this. I feel torn and ripped in pieces. But one thing I do know, I’m not happy. Even sitting here having a normal, civil dinner, I just don’t feel happy. I feel like he is two people. The one who wants to be with me, and make me happy, be a good boyfriend. And then another, one who wants something else, and I don’t know what that is. But it’s something that doesn’t include me. It’s something that he does when he is away from me. It’s what he does when he forgets about me, on the days he is unreachable, and doesn’t call for days in a row and has no explanation or reason, just an apology.

  I’m done with apologies. A relationship shouldn’t be full of apologies. Not unless you follow them up with the actions that prove you are truly sorry. And he hasn’t done that yet. So, what am I still doing here? That is what I keep asking myself. I find my mind going in circles, asking these questions over and over while I just watch him at dinner. My heart hurts. It aches, and I don’t know why. I feel like that void I was trying to fill with him is suddenly glaringly obvious again. It was never full, it was just masked. I had just covered it up with feelings I thought were real. I care about Scott, I have real feelings, but they haven’t filled the hole in my heart. It’s still there, aching. Now that I have all these doubts and questions again, it’s all that more obvious. We make it about halfway through dinner when I stop eating and look up at Scott, “I need you take me home. I’m sorry but I can’t do this anymore.” He just stares at me as a tear runs down my face.

  “Alright Fin, I’m sorry. I really am.” We get up and leave. He drives me home in silence.

  10

  Finley

  It’s the month before my conference in Miami. I’m at my house doing some laundry, packing, and getting ready to head out to spend the weekend at the beach for the Fourth of July. I have some last-minute things to do for the trip and am taking this time to go over some of my notes and presentation for the conference. I don’t want to wait until the last mi
nute and not have enough time to fix anything that needs fixing. Scott was supposed to be here over an hour ago. He has spent the last month groveling and doing his very best to make up all his mistakes. I think we are on the road back from wherever we were. I still have a lot of doubts, I’m not sure I totally trust him, but we are getting there. We are supposed to have dinner and he is going to stay here tonight so we can get an early start in the morning to the beach. I walk into my bathroom to start a bath when my phone rings. I go back to get it, it’s Scott. “Hey, where are you?”

  “Fin, I’ve been in an accident.”

  “Oh my God. Are you OK?” I’m going to the door immediately.

  “Yeah. I broke my leg. I think a couple ribs. I’m pretty beat up. But I’ll be OK. They are taking me into surgery, they have to set my leg. Can you come up here? Call my parents.”

  “I’m already on my way. I’ll call them while I drive. I’ll be there when you get out, okay?”

  “Okay. Fin?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I love you. Thank you. “

  “I’ll be there shortly.” I can’t bring myself to say it back to him. I still just don’t know. I feel like shit, but I won’t lie to him. I rush to the hospital. I realize I don’t have his parent’s numbers so I can’t call them. I get to the hospital and head for the surgery center. I’m a fucking wreck. Things have been going so good with us. How can this be happening? I know he will fine, but this is too much. I can’t deal with this right now. I talk to a nurse at the counter, she tells me everything has been going fine and they will let me know when she hears something. She hands me a bag of his things. I take it with me and go sit down. I pull his phone out of his bag and start to search through it for his mother’s phone number. I don’t know if he keeps her listed as mother, mom, or Judy. I pull up recent calls thinking he probably talked to her recently. There is the call he made to me, then a call from Sara. What the actual fuck? Another call to someone named Lisa. Hmmm…that’s interesting. He has a lot of friends that are girls. I flip over to his messages. Because I’m a nosey bitch. I have caught him before in lies. There are messages from me, obviously, and conversations with Sara. I open the conversation. I scroll down reading. I start to shake. He is a lying piece of shit. I close it. I open the messages with this Lisa. I scroll down reading. Holy shit. He was with her last night. LAST NIGHT. He told me he was tired from working. Fucker. All his talk about loving me and needing me. I see a message to this girl, it’s from a while back, he is asking her to come out to his house. He tells her he finally got the place alone. I check the date of the message. I pull out my phone and go to that date in my messages, that fucking lying mother fucking piece of shit. That’s the night he called telling me he didn’t feel good and was just gonna stay in and rest. I take his phone, find his mother’s name and send her a message letting her know he was in an accident. Tell her the hospital and then I pick up my stuff and leave. I just walk out. I don’t tell anyone. I don’t look back. I am done. This is the last straw. What a slimy motherfucker. And for the first time in months, I feel amazing. I’m pissed, but I feel like a weight just got lifted, I feel free, and happy.