Transformation (From the Embers Book 2)

by Jaliza A. Burwell

  “Nyssa, you left him as a completely mashed pile of meat and bones. He’s not coming back from that. I’m also pretty sure you ate his heart.”

  My nose wrinkled in disgust. “That would explain my indigestion.”

  “Next time you eat a person, don’t include their clothes. That shit isn’t digestible.”

  I shrugged. “Can’t say it won’t happen again.”

  We had a laugh over that. The drive was over all too soon and I found myself nervous. My new level of sensitivity was good enough to tell me Landus was there. My heart ached for him. I no longer had Baron to hide behind and that made the pain all too real now. My chest tightened, my phoenix making her emotions known. She was hurting. I could feel it in the way my heart skipped beats, the way it convulsed as Landus’ face flashed through my mind. She knew the deal.

  It was over before it even started.

  We did a small hike where it felt like even the tree life tried to lean away from me. They knew I was the big predator, the most dangerous creature around. I didn’t feel like it, but it didn’t change anything.

  My skin prickled from energy in the surrounding area. My beast wanted to draw it into me and it took everything I had to not let it. It’d be so easy to just gulp it all down. It’d be an entire meal capable of keeping me full for days.

  “Nyssa?” Slade called out, breaking me from my thoughts.

  “What?” I blinked at him.

  He raised an eyebrow. “Your eyes shifted.”

  “What?”

  “Your eyes. They’re your shifter’s. Calm down.”

  “This is the first time I’m so close to the Woodlands since my shift.”

  “I know.”

  “It’d be so easy,” I said wispily, feeling a little drunk.

  “What would?”

  “To leave. I could just shift right now and take off.”

  “I’d miss you.”

  I shrugged. “You’d get over it.”

  “Cecil would miss you.”

  That had me pausing. I met his eyes and he nodded. “She would. She loves you. She cares deeply for you. You’re her family. It’d break her heart to learn that she meant so little to you that you had no trouble leaving her behind.”

  “She’s everything to me.” I wanted to argue with him.

  “I know.”

  “I’d sacrifice everything for her.”

  “I know.”

  “I’d even sacrifice this whole damn world for her.”

  “I know. But does she? Have you told her?”

  “She knows. She has to know.”

  “You leaving would still kill her. It’s a betrayal, Nyssa. You know that better than anyone, what betrayal is.”

  I snarled. “People have to be close to you for it to be a betrayal.”

  “And that’s a lesson you already learned, isn’t it?”

  That snapped me back into reality and I blinked. I sighed. “Let’s go. They’re waiting for you, no doubt.”

  “Nyssa?”

  “I know,” I snapped. “I know. I’d never do that to her. Ever. I’d rather have my chest cracked open and my heart ripped out than to hurt her like that.”

  “Okay. Come on, we’re almost there.”

  The trees opened up into a large clearing full of shifters and sadness. My nose flared as the scents attacked me. I stopped in my tracks as my hands and back ached.

  “Nyssa?” Slade paused and turned back to me.

  “My phoenix wants to come out.”

  His nose flared and he glanced around the space.

  “It’s the sadness. The phoenix is associating it as prey.” He smirked. “I’m not surprised. You have a bloodthirsty phoenix.”

  I shook my head. “Of fucking course.” Shoving all the thoughts away from me, I stalked into the clear.

  Bodies stiffened, heads turned, and eyes tracked my movements into the middle of the clearing.

  An older woman stepped in front of her. My nose drew in her scent, the smell of musk and earth. A wolf shifter.

  “Thank you. We could have lost so many more people if you weren’t there.”

  Before I could reply, she pulled me into a tight hug and then let go, giving me a kiss on the cheek, before running off. It was like everyone took in a collective breath and held it. A long beat passed before I realized it was because they expected more from me, as if they were waiting for me to shift in a phoenix and burn everything I touched.

  I glanced at Slade. “She’s nice.”

  He snorted and with a smile, shook his head. That seemed to break the spell everyone was in and they relaxed around me. Conversation picked back up as he led me through the crowd and toward the center.

  Landus stood there and it felt like my phoenix slammed against my chest, trying to break through. She wanted to shift, to make it known that he was our mate. But he didn’t think that way. I could see it in the way he looked at me. Still cold. I recognized his scent now as the same person who had calmed me during the battle enough to shift back. But he probably did it so I didn’t destroy everyone and everything. It would have been a real possibility.

  Landus stood there, looking as delicious as always in his dark jeans and blue t-shirt. He nodded at Slade and then stepped forward.

  Everyone went silent instantly, all conversations cutting off as they focused on their leader. I was tempted to switch things up and maybe clap or do a whistle, something to throw everyone off. I did the smart thing and pressed my lips together before I had a chance to say something inappropriate.

  “Today, we celebrate those who sacrificed their lives for us to live.” He went on through the speech, saying something nice about the seven souls who have died. It was a nice speech, and those around me broke out in tears as they celebrated the life of their dead packmates.

  I kept my eyes on Landus, and if there was a mirror, I was pretty sure I’d have an expression on it very closely related to pining. My phoenix desperately wanted him. Cried inside of me for him.

  My hands were fisted through the entire speech, at my side. Otherwise, I risked doing just that. I did miss him. Maybe now that all this was over and I was going to tell the council to shove it, I could talk to him. I didn’t care what the council wanted; I wasn’t going to be their lapdog anymore. They had thoroughly used me to get Baron. With Baron dead, they’d be fine without me. They proved that as they did things for the others. They just needed to continue to do that.

  They had no choice because if I couldn’t fix this between Landus and I, then I was dead. As simple as that. I felt more clear-headed than I did in a very long time and had Cecil asked me right in that moment what I wanted to do, I’d tell her I wanted to confront Landus, tell him how it was. What really went down.

  I truly did think he sided with them. Until I saw his expression, well more like after, when there was time for it to sink in, did I have time to realize that wasn’t the case. Maura and Leon were expert liars and I fell for it too easily.

  The ceremony moved on, Landus wrapping it up. Each shifter approached the pyre where the bodies were and paid their respects, taking a piece of their hair and leaving it with them. I missed the significance of it and stayed back.

  Slade also approached with some of his own hair and then came back to my side.

  “It’s so that they aren’t alone on their journey to their afterlife.”

  I nodded. “That’s sweet.”

  He shrugged.

  Raising an eyebrow, I asked, “You don’t believe in it?”

  “This isn’t the place or time to talk about my beliefs for this.”

  “Sorry.”

  “No, you’re not.”

  I sighed. Damn. Why couldn’t Slade be my mate? Shit would have been so much easier. Instead, as the Alpha, I got to watch Landus be the last man to approach and do his thing. His muscles rippled underneath his shirt with every shift of his body. As he walked away, a woman approached and wrapped an arm around his waist, resting her head on his arm since she was
too short to rest it on his shoulders.

  A growl rumbled low from my chest and I watched every little movement. Normally, Landus would have pulled away, refused her touch. Not this time. He moved into her, turned his head, and kissed her temple. She smiled up at him, all lovingly and the two of them walked away.

  “A family member?” I asked with a growl.

  Slade’s expression was hard as I looked over at him. His hand was fisted at his side. “No,” he said with a growl. “She lost a family during one of the fights. The two of them have been spending some time together.”

  I narrowed my eyes. “How so?”

  “I don’t gossip, Nyssa. They have spent time together. Just leave it.” He stalked away, leaving me there wondering why the fuck I was there. What was the point? My phoenix howled as I glanced back at Landus and the woman wrapped around him. It was a clear answer to my question.

  There was no fixing us. I had completely lost him.

  I wanted to throw up. Without saying anything else, I turned on my heels and stalked into the woods, heading deeper into the Woodlands. At that point, I wasn’t so sure I should be in a city, around people I wanted to bite the heads off of.

  Knowing we still had the final council meeting tonight, I refused to return until then. Instead, I ran and screamed. Pain blossomed through my chest as reality was nailed into it. Landus was not mine and he’d drawn the line. He’d never be mine. I fucked it up.

  The way my feet dragged, and the world tilted, my body agreed. The final straw, the very last thread that had desperately held onto hope snapped.

  I knew hope as a bogus concept that only ended in misery and pain. I always knew that. Even though I never admitted it to myself or to anyone, even though I desperately denied that I had any in me, there was the tiniest drop of it and seeing that woman with Landus had bitterly dried it off.

  Breathe.

  You’re okay.

  I’m not. I’m really not.

  Breathe.

  You’re alive.

  Not for long.

  Breathe.

  Everything will work out.

  I’m done.

  Breathe.

  Just keep breathing.

  Fuck them all.

  I was done.

  Chapter Nineteen

  I remember feeling alone. Always alone. Even when someone was there, I was by myself. There was no one there to hug me or kiss my cuts. I remember screaming in frustration. I went to having something, to having nothing, and I didn’t know how to cope. I wanted to yank my hair out.

  —Nyssa’s Journal

  We met at the same restaurant where we had the first meeting. Landus wasn’t there. It was Slade and another shifter I didn’t know. All the other members had showed up. I was completely exhausted. Everything in me hurt and I had a feeling my insides were unraveling. I knew I was dying. The pile of puke in the Woodlands with bits and pieces of my insides and blood told me that. Hiding my pain became my main focus as they prattled on about this and that.

  The first half was them filling me in on the grand battle I had ignored, too focused on taking out Baron. While I kept Baron busy, they wiped most everyone else out. There had been over fifty others in that field, all of them powerful. The battle had been intense and everyone had casualties.

  The only thing left was to track the others. There were only a handful of the bad guys who survived, and they were now in the vampire and shifter hands, being questioned in an undisclosed location. Apparently, they were a wealth of knowledge, more than happy to talk after their leader was killed.

  For some, the spell that had been forced on them to obey had been lifted and they could think for themselves again. They were grateful about that, even if they knew they were going to be killed. The others were die-hard extremists who needed more incentive to speak. The shifters and vampires were very good at providing it.

  The two factions boasted about their achievements, about the different information they were able to draw out of their prisoners.

  I ignored them all, let them hear themselves speak.

  Finally, the meeting wrapped and went straight into the celebration with drinks. I stared at everyone on the council. They were smiling, happy with their success. I was too. I was ecstatic. Really I was.

  “I’m done,” I said simply.

  They all stopped and blinked at me.

  I swallowed.

  “I’m done. You don’t need me anymore. You can find someone else to lead the council if need be. After this, it’s simply maybe biweekly updates on what’s going on in your communities. You don’t need me for that.”

  Maura was the first to recover and I was doing my best to not look at Cecil or Slade. “But you’re the only one capable for this position. With your neutrality and the fact that you don’t belong to any group is what makes you so perfect.”

  I glared at the witch. Any respect I had for her had flown out the window when she manipulated me. After that, she was only someone I tolerated for the sake of what needed to be done. I was done being nice. If she continued to push me, I was going to kill her.

  My glare worked and shut her up.

  “Neutrality?” I asked. What fucking neutrality? I was bleeding inside and there was no way to cure it. I was literally going to die all because of these fuckwits and their underhanded bullshitty politics.

  “Nyssa,” Maura tried to placate me.

  “Shut the fuck up!” Wind blasted through the room. When it was done wreaking havoc, the room was completely silent. Everyone’s skin dotted with sweat as the temperature in the room increased. “Now that I have your attention, shut the fuck up. All of you. I. Am. Done. It’s final. We killed Baron and now I’m done. I gave up enough. Do not call me. Do not contact me. Do not stalk me anymore. You can pass this on to your leaders.” I stared at Slade. “I don’t care. I want nothing to do with anyone. Understand?”

  Slade looked like he expected it. “You are part of this, Nyssa,” he said carefully, his expression twisting in pain. “You can’t just drop off at the end of the world.”

  “I can and I will.”

  “Why?” Cecil whispered and I finally glanced at her. Her expression gutted me. I didn’t think I could feel even worse than I already did, but her expression finished me off. Her sorrow made me sick her eyes full of confusion. She never expected this from me. She was a world of happy endings and everything always being all right with the world. I wasn’t.

  “I gave up my fucking mate for you all!” I snarled and they stilled. I hadn’t meant to say that. I was too tired and my stomach began cramping on me, adding to my irritation. I glared at each person, watched how most of their faces twisted in confusion. The others, Maura, Slade, and Cecil, that was where the horror came in. Slade’s eyes widened before he was able to mask his expression. Cecil looked ready to cry. She looked like she wanted to pull me into a hug. Maura also looked horrified.

  Too fucking late.

  “Congratulations. I did what you guys stonewalled me into doing and now Landus won’t have anything to do with me. He’s already moved on.”

  “Landus?” Maura asked, realizing what I was pointing out. “But then that means…”

  I shrugged. “It doesn’t matter.” My voice was tired as I spoke. I stood up, done with this. They could celebrate without me. “I’m done, I told you that already.”

  And that was when the full implication settled in on Maura, Cecil, and Slade’s expressions, and they truly understood what I meant when I said I was done. I was as good as dead without my mate. We bonded when we slept together, then strengthened when we spent so much time together. At the time, I didn’t know. I really should have read those translations first before I royally fucked up.

  I was supposed to be some strong, merciless phoenix. Yeah, right. I was just broken. Simple as that.

  “Nyssa… we had no idea.” Maura tried to stutter out an apology. I wanted none of it and my expression said so. Her mouth shut, my hearing sensitive enough to pick up the
clanking of her teeth despite her being all the way across the room from me. I still struggled with the fact that my hearing was sharp enough to pick up the sound of things miles away. It had created a constant headache.

  I snorted. “Yeah, me either. I didn’t find out until after the fact, but then again, it’s too late.”

  I stared at Maura and Slade. I was too much of a chicken to look at Cecil. Without needing to look at her face, I knew what her expression would show. Slade and Maura knew exactly what I meant. They paled even more, if that was possible.

  Slade swallowed. “We can fix this.”

  “You will not!” I snapped. “Enough damage has been done. Landus has obviously moved on. Just leave me alone.”

  I stood up, ignoring everyone’s glances. Pain shot up my spine and I winced. My arm spasmed. I gripped it with my other hand to keep it from jerking around.

  “Nyssa.” Cecil jumped to her feet and went to move around the table. My glare stopped her in her tracks. Refusing to show any more weakness than I already had, I walked out the door with as much confidence as I could muster, barely keeping the pain in.

  I had what, a month of deterioration left? I didn’t know. I just knew it was bad. The symptoms were almost debilitating. Eventually, I wasn’t going to be able to move a muscle.

  It didn’t take long to go back to my little apartment, grab what I needed, and then slip into the forest. If I was going to die, I didn’t want anyone to find me like that. Besides, I’d be reborn eventually. I was a damn phoenix. I didn’t know how to stay dead. It’s just that I wouldn’t belong to Landus anymore. He’d be dead by the time I was reborn and old enough to track his ass down.

  I swallowed the fear and pain and allowed myself to wallow in my own misery.

  Pity party for one.

  Chapter Twenty

  I remember the first time I was hurt. The first time the Woodlands taught me a lesson that nothing was to be trusted. I remember thinking that I no longer had anyone to kiss the pain away or to sing me a song to distract me. I was truly alone, with only myself. I had to lick my own wounds.