Erotic Refugees

by Paddy Kelly

  Andy nodded. “I am in total agreement. Start buying her flowers and sending cute text messages at all the wrong times. If she likes bad boys, you’ll just have to be so nice she won't be able to stand you!”

  Eoin looked unsure but Rob was happy to make up his mind for him. “It's decided then. Eoin smothers her with love and gets shut of her. Then he gets in with this other bird—”

  “Actually her name is Maria,” Eoin said.

  ”I'm sure it is,” Rob said. He frowned at his empty glass. “Look, just go with the plan and keep us informed of yer progress, we'd all love to hear it. Now however I do believe it's time to wet some whistles. Don't go away!”

  They left Eoin standing in the corner and made their way to the kitchen where they stocked up on beers and snacks. When they returned to Eoin his eyes were wide and he was straining to say something. Rob waved a hand in front of his face.

  “What's the problem, ye have a stroke or something?”

  “No, it's just that I've worked it out! Who will listen to the tape and work out where Karen is. It fixes everything else too!” He explained what he was thinking and Rob nodded.

  “Well 'everything' it doesn't fix, but yeah it sounds like a fine idea. But you know me, I'll agree to anything at a party.” He shoved a fresh beer at Eoin. “But now, on to more important things. Cheers!”

  When the party had heated up Andy decided, with great ceremony, to unveil his present to Eamonn. It was a six-month deluxe account on Diamond Date. Eamonn gave a weary grin as Andy ushered him into the seat in front of the computer where he sat down to a smatter of drunken applause.

  “I've already fixed your profile,” Andy announced. “Feel free to change it if you want, but I guarantee you this is pure gold, a lifetime of tips all distilled into one perfect dating profile. It's only been up three days and already two women have mailed you, see? You just can't go wrong!”

  “Well,” Eamonn said as he studied his profile with trepidation. “I usually prefer to meet birds live, you know—”

  “Exactly,” Andy said, “and just see how well that's going for you. Just give it a try, see what happens. If it doesn't sharpen your pencil, well, no harm done, and you can just go back to grabbing the nearest vertical female at the bar when they turn up the lights, okay?”

  Eamonn nodded and cracked his fingers noisily. “Right, how d'ya read these messages? Where's the bluddy read button?”

  People drifted away from the computer as Disco 2000 came on the stereo. A few brave souls even ventured out onto the two free square metres of floor where they started dancing. Rob and Eoin shuffled closer to the computer and watched in amusement as Eamonn fumbled his way around the site.

  “Then you click on her name and go right to her profile,” Andy said. “And there she is, the lady of your dreams!”

  Eamonn studied the blurry photograph. “I dunno, she's a bit chunky, isn't she? You can't see much of her, and them arms don't look very small.”

  “Yeah,” Andy said as he leaned closer and squinted at the screen. “I think we may have a BTA on our hands. Let's try the other one.”

  Eamonn gave Rob a puzzled look. “A BT-what?”

  “Fucked if I know,” Rob said. “Andy, what are ye on about now?”

  “A BTA, man! Bigger Than Advertised! A lady trying to show herself off in a flattering way to hide the fact that she's on the large side. And you won't find out about it until you show up for the date where she thinks it magically won't matter that she’s lied to you.”

  “Like Rebecka,” Eoin said with a slight slur to his words. “Now there was a definite BTA if ever I saw one!”

  “Oh there’s many of them out there,” Andy said. “The ladies will lie about their girth, and we have to be prepared for that. They may not think they are lying, just showing themselves as they really are while they wait for their temporary larger state to recede. But lying it is.”

  “This profile stuff is crap,” Eamonn announced as he squinted at the screen. “I mean, there's nuthin' you really want to know here. Like, does the bird give good head, or has she got firm tits, or if she'll pay for her own fucking dinner or land you with the bill. I mean, who gives a shit what her favourite bloody band is or what kind of feckin' holiday she likes—”

  “Precisely,” Andy said. “But that's all valuable hard-won information you can only get by blowing a wad of cash and investing a few weeks of your life.”

  “Bollox to that,” Eamonn said. “Isn’t there somewhere you can find this stuff out? I mean, if the girl is a BTA, and what she'll let you do to her, or whatever. Now that I'd pay money for!”

  Eoin inhaled as if he had been punched in the ribs. He grabbed Rob's arm, causing Rob to turn and stare at him with a look of concern.

  “He's right,” Eoin spluttered. “He's completely right! There should be somewhere you can go to look that up, all the women from Diamond Date and all the other dating sites! Just like a review page, with hints, grading, icons, everything! See what your prospective dates are really like before you even meet them!”

  Rob's gaze wandered off to the side and his eyes defocused. Then he grinned and slapped Eoin on the back.

  “Fucking genius Eoin. Cos that's it, that's the whole bloody site right there!”

  “Are you planning to do,” Andy said eagerly, “what I really hope you're planning to do?”

  “We sure bloody well are!” Rob said. “Who would have thought that Eamonn had it in him to think up something like that? A date review site! Ye just log in, put in the girl's username and the dating site she's from, and it's all there for yer perusal. Her secrets, her smell, how hairy her legs are, everything her old dates have said about her. Fat girl, or short girl, a fuckin' star at hand-jobs, everything you want to actually know but the other sites won't tell you!”

  “I'd join that,” Eamonn said. “In a second, I would. Better than readin' this shite!”

  “And why not for men too?” Rob said, getting into his stride. “Small dick, or good kisser or bad breath? A big gentleman or a married lying cheating bastard who’ll just toss ye out with the empties in the morning?”

  “It's perfect,” Eoin said. “It's simple to make and controversial enough to advertise itself for free. And you know the best thing? It'll irritate the hell out of those people at Diamond Date who stole my drop-down!”

  Rob beamed and slapped Eoin on the back. “Now I'm not one to exaggerate, but I must say this is the single best idea ever. And d'ye know how I know that?” He jabbed Eamonn's shoulder with a finger. “Because of this man here! A man whose pockets ye'd usually have to prise open with a crowbar says he’d happily pay to join up. And if we can get Eamonn here to part with his cash, well then we know we've come up with a fuckin’ winner!”

  Rob stepped to the side, gave a little bow and patted the computer monitor.

  “Ladies and gentlemen!” he announced. “Please allow me to introduce to you—the fucking Internet dating H-bomb! Roll up and give us yer money, ye wonderful sad lonely bastards!”

  Chapter 23

  On Monday it wasn't raining and Eoin had plans. First he handed Damien over to Jenny at a park in town. That went without a hitch for once and it put him in a good mood. As did the unexpected spears of sunshine that poked through the clouds as he headed over the bridge into the Old Town.

  Alice was waiting for him in the ancient stone basement of the café he’d picked. When she looked up from her book Eoin gave a wave, followed by a deep breath, and made his way to her table. Alice allowed him the barest of hugs, not enough of a hug to say he was forgiven, but definitely enough to show she was prepared, at some point, to consider it. Eoin hugged her back and sat down.

  “So Rob's sister is missing?” Alice said to him before his behind had touched the chair. “Shouldn't you call the police? Or maybe you've gone mad and you think I am the police, is that it?”

  “No, no,” Eoin said. “I admit it does sound a bit odd, but didn't I explain it in my message?”

&nbs
p; Alice snorted. “Your 'message' was like a Lynch movie. You want me to read it back to you? Wait, I have it here.”

  Eoin waved a hand in annoyance. “Forget it. I wrote it at a party, and it seemed pretty clear to me then, but I guess it wasn't.”

  He noticed that Alice had done something with her hair. Shorter, different shape, different colour? He never really could tell. The exact details of women's hair floated past him on some other plane, forever beyond his understanding. The rest of her, thankfully, was similar to before. Along with a pair of slim designer jeans she wore a white open-collared blouse with one of those mini-cardigans in mustard yellow that tied just under her breasts. Eoin tried very hard not to look there as leering was the last thing he needed right now.

  But he was without a doubt very happy to see her.

  “So tell me what's so important with this sister that it dragged me away from my substantial packing.”

  Eoin quickly explained about Karen. Towards the end of his explanation his gaze fell upon Alice's toast and the sticky strings of cheese attached to it. His stomach gave a pitiful gurgle.

  “Look, I have to go order. Back in a minute.”

  He slipped around the table and hurried upstairs where he grabbed the most decent-looking pre-wrapped sandwich on offer, along with a mug of basic black coffee. Balancing the tray he made his way back down to the candle-lit stone vault. He sat down and ripped off the plastic.

  “Mmm,” he said, with a mouthful of sourdough and Brie. The world seemed a little better. “So, what do you think? About Karen, I mean.”

  Alice took her knife and with it she lifted the top of Eoin's sandwich and studied its contents in silence. She allowed the lid to drop back into place.

  “Eoin,” she said, “why did you need this stupid excuse to call me?”

  Eoin swallowed his bolus of food and his ball of anxiety with a pained gulp. “It's not a stupid excuse. Wait, look here.” He rummaged in his bag and produced an ancient MP3 player with headphone wires wound tightly around it. “Here’s the recording, you just need—”

  “Eoin,” Alice said again, cutting him off with elegance. “You leave a lady's apartment in the middle of a heated argument, and you don't call her again. That's just not on. What did you think you were doing?”

  “But,” Eoin said, staring at the twisted wire. “You told me to go—”

  “Well of course I told you to go! But if you actually just go every time a woman commands you to, you won't be holding on to any of them for very long, will you? I wanted to storm back out of the bedroom and have another go at you, and then we'd work it out. Maybe some more shouting, maybe not, but that's the way these things are supposed to happen. And not with one person just fleeing the premises and going underground. Oh please, here, just give me that damn thing or you'll have the wire all twisted and it won't be any good to anybody.”

  She snatched the player from him and began to unwind the wire, guiding it through confounding knots with ease. Eoin bit off some more sandwich and chewed it as he watched her. He never could deal with knots, he just didn't have the patience for them. Alice, however, worked steadily and soon they were all unravelled.

  As soon as she'd popped in the ear buds Eoin pressed the play button. Alice listened to about fifteen seconds of the recording before taking off the headphones and placing them down on the table.

  “I realise the quality isn't the best,” Eoin said, “but keep going, it gets a bit clearer towards the end. I thought maybe if you listened to the whole thing—”

  “She's in Copenhagen. I can hear Spanish and English and Danish in the background, but they announce Nørreport subway station and that's in Copenhagen. Mystery solved.” She wound the wire around the player, tucked in the ear buds and slid it back across the table to Eoin. “And what's been happening with you?”

  Eoin was surprised but pleased. Perhaps Alice could solve all of his problems as fast as she’d solved that one. He glanced at her slyly, wondering if he should tell her about Anja. That whole situation was, after all, one good reason why he had wanted to meet up with her again, and it was definitely something that had been “happening”. But, on second thoughts, maybe now wasn't the right time.

  “I saw that,” Alice said. “That little glance. You're fretting, and there’s something on your mind. Something juicy too I'd guess.” She leaned closer and lowered her voice. “So come on, just tell me. I came all the way here so I might as well get something for it, right?”

  Eoin nodded. “Well, okay then. I followed your advice. I met up with Anja a few more times.”

  “Good!” She beamed and patted his hand on the table. “There's a good student! And did you, well, you know…?”

  Eoin nodded. “Well, yes. Right away.”

  “What?” She reached for the MP3 player. “Where's the record button on this thing? This I want to save. Come on, say it again—”

  Eoin wrested the player from her grip and stuffed it into his bag. Alice studied his face and after a moment she frowned.

  “Hmmm, you don't look happy. What possible part of this story can make you unhappy? Is Anja forcing you to do bad things you don't want to do? Latex, or voodoo, or what?”

  “No, it's just she's”—Eoin shrugged—“the wrong girl.”

  Alice glared at him. Eoin, in an attempt to avoid that glare, shifted his gaze from her to the curved wall of the cellar behind her, and then to the trio of teenage girls at the next table over who were rabbiting away in Swedish, talking non-stop but saying essentially nothing at all.

  He shifted his gaze back, and there was that glare again.

  “The wrong girl?” she said. “I thought the wrong girl was the one who won't have you? Surely all other girls can be considered right girls? Or am I missing something? Or”—she grinned—“was there something else you were hoping I'd drag out of you…?”

  Eoin felt an idea pop into his head and he went with it.

  “How about we make a deal,” he said. “I tell you, but first you tell me about Andy.” Alice's face grew a little darker, but Eoin persevered. “Since we are friends, and I tell you everything. I think it’s only fair that you do the same.”

  Eoin watched her carefully, not sure if he'd pushed her too far. She extended her right hand and laid it flat upon the table. She studied it for a while and allowed the silence to stretch on. Eoin matched her silence, not daring to move. After a painfully long moment she took a deep breath, as if she were about to plunge into icy cold water, and started to talk.

  “You can be really annoying when you get obsessed, Eoin. But sure, I’ll tell you. I saw Andy a couple of years ago. We met online. And I was married at the time.” Eoin made a noise to indicate he was about to comment but she raised a hand to cut him off and kept on talking. “And he did something really stupid that he shouldn't have done, which led to the breakdown of my marriage.”

  One of the staff came by to add another candle to the table. They were both silent until he’d passed.

  “Well go on,” Alice said. “Say something, I can see you want to.”

  “But … I don't get it. What stupid thing could Andy possibly do? I mean he seems like a nice guy—”

  “I didn't say he wasn't nice, Eoin. But he did something I told him not to do, that he promised not to do, and it started a destructive fight between me and Johan that hasn't really stopped yet. I suppose our marriage was already over, in most ways. But it could have ended in a much better way than that.”

  Eoin nodded, not knowing what to make of this new side of Alice, the side that maybe didn’t always know what it was doing. “And why didn't you just tell me this before?”

  Alice stared into her latte and stirred it slowly with the long spoon. “Well, because it's painful, and I didn't expect Andy to just pop up like that again.”

  “Maybe if you went to talk to him—”

  She gave him a fierce look. “Why would I want to talk to him? I told you, he started the collapse of my marriage—”

 
; “And you didn't have anything to do with that, did you? You’re completely in the clear, morally speaking.”

  “No,” she hissed. “I'm not. And I know that. But you don't know the whole story. It could have been handled without the mess it all turned into. And that's why I don't want to see Andy, not now, and not on Gotland either. There's just too much that's his fault, and I don't plan to bring all those things up again. You’re welcome to come, and Rob too. Just get the ferry to Visby and I'll pick you up there.”

  “Oh,” Eoin said, a little off-balance as he hadn't counted on being re-invited to her summer house. “Um, good. I suppose I could come, I don't have any plans. I don't think Rob does either. So yes, good then.”

  “Perfect,” Alice said. She reached out and patted his hand again. She smiled warmly. “And now let's steer this away from old pain, agreed? And just get on with things. Like, for example, this wrong girl of yours, and what's happening with this website. This single-parent thing. Isn't it done yet?”

  “Oh the site, the site!” Eoin said, suddenly bubbling over with gossip. “Just wait until you hear this!”

  Alice nodded, her eyes playful behind the glass she'd raised to her face.

  “Oh good sir, do tell.”

  After they parted company Eoin wandered through the Old Town. The cobbles were dry now, since it hadn't rained since the morning. The clouds had thinned out too, allowing the sun to paint splotches of orange light on the old buildings. It was starting to feel a bit like summer again.

  He pressed his way through a gaggle of American cruise-ship tourists and slipped up a side street. He made a few turns and suddenly found himself passing by Malone’s. People sat at the tiny tables outside, chattering away in a range of languages and accents, Irish among them. Eoin's thoughts wandered to Rob, and then to Karen, and finally to the fact that he now knew where she was. It occurred to him he should probably share this information with Rob, who would be very anxious to hear it.