The Secret Pond

by Gerri Hill

  “Is Lindsey…is she gay?”

  “Yes.”

  “I see. And did she—”

  “If you’re going to ask if she forced me or coerced me or anything like that, the answer is no. In fact, I was the one who pushed things along.”

  “Hannah…but you’re not gay,” her mother said.

  “Mom, I’m not looking for labels or trying to explain it. I just wanted to talk about Jack.”

  “Okay. Okay.” She paused and Hannah could hear her taking a deep breath. “To say that I’m floored by the news is an understatement. But honey, if you’re sure about this, then it shouldn’t be complicated. If you think it’s right and you want more than an affair with her, then yes, you need to tell Jack.”

  “It’s more than an affair, Mom. I could handle an affair because I could walk away from an affair. I can’t walk away from this…from her. At the beginning, I thought maybe I should try to push these feelings away, ignore them. These feelings were new for me, different…foreign. But just because it might be a shock to you, to Jack…to everyone…I’m not going to push it away.” She touched her heart. “It feels right to me, Mom. Inside. In my heart, it feels right.”

  “What about James?”

  “James is gone, Mom. I loved James. But James is gone.”

  “And Lindsey…you love her like that?”

  “Yes. Mom…she makes my heart smile. After James died, I didn’t think it would ever smile again.”

  “Oh, honey…”

  “So back to Jack…how in the world should I tell him?”

  Chapter Fifty-Six

  “I’ve missed the pond.”

  Hannah was standing on the lone board they’d put up for the new deck they were building, gazing out toward the waterfall.

  “We’ve been here every day this week.”

  Hannah turned and smiled at her. “We’ve been here working every day this week. Not the same thing.”

  “But it’s coming along. Jack’s gonna be so surprised when he sees it.”

  “He’ll be happy to help this weekend.” She balanced on the board as she walked back over to her. “Have I told you how handy you are with tools?”

  Lindsey laughed. “What kind of tools are you talking about?”

  “Oh, don’t go there!” Hannah laughed too. “But God, that was fun.”

  Lindsey helped her off the board, then pulled her close and kissed her. “You’re pretty handy with tools yourself.”

  Hannah looped her arms around her neck and laughed. “Should being in love be this much fun?”

  Lindsey’s smile faltered a little. “I don’t know. I’ve never been in love before.”

  Hannah held her gaze. “I don’t remember it being quite like this.” Her hand moved into Lindsey’s hair, bringing her closer for a kiss.

  Lindsey closed her eyes, letting Hannah have her way as they kissed. Hannah’s hands found their way under her shirt and soon she was touching her breasts.

  “I love it when you don’t wear a bra.”

  Lindsey smiled against her lips. “I think I was ordered not to wear one.”

  “Maybe you should ignore my orders. We’ll never get the deck finished otherwise.” Hannah finally pulled away from her. “When do you want to talk about it?”

  Lindsey sighed. Talk about Jack, she meant. Talk about telling him. Lindsey had been hesitant to even have the discussion. Because if they talked about it…if they agreed to tell him…and he freaked out or something…

  “What are you afraid of?” Hannah asked quietly. “Tell me.”

  “I’m afraid that…that’ll be it. For us.” She looked away, staring at the waterfall for a second, then brought her eyes back to Hannah. “I’m afraid he won’t accept it and then you’ll…you’ll end things and…”

  “Oh, honey, no. That’s not going to happen.” Hannah took a step closer, touching her cheek. “You’re inside my heart. You’re inside my soul now.”

  “I’m afraid though. Jack is your son. I know you want to tell him. But whatever happens after that is out of our hands.” She took a step away from Hannah, trying to gather her thoughts. “I love you very much. Whatever happens, I love you. That won’t change. But—”

  “Lindsey—”

  “I told you…before—I was in a dark place. I’m not sure what would have happened to me if you and Jack hadn’t come into my life. This summer…I don’t think I would have made it. I don’t think I’d still be here.”

  “Oh, honey.” Hannah came closer, holding her tight again. “Please don’t say that. I can’t even think about that.”

  “I’m afraid I’m going to lose this, Hannah,” she said honestly. “And then I’m afraid of what’s going to happen.”

  “Sweetheart, if anything happens to us, it won’t be because of Jack.”

  Lindsey felt tears in her eyes. “You’re my only family. You’ve come into my life and made everything right. My world was upside down…and I feel normal again. I know my family is gone and I miss them every day. And I know they’re not coming back. All I’ve got are memories…that’s all I’ll have, no matter what. But they’re good memories. Good, good memories. If I get past the sadness, those memories make me happy.” She wiped at a tear that ran down her cheek. “I’m ready to focus on the future…my future, without my family.” She swallowed down her tears. “You and Jack, you’re my family now…and I’m afraid I’m going to lose that,” she finished with a sob. “So I’m scared to tell him.”

  Hannah held her close as she cried and she felt Hannah’s own tears against her neck.

  “Okay, honey, it’s okay. We won’t tell him. Please don’t cry.”

  Chapter Fifty-Seven

  “Have I told you lately what a good cook you are?” Lindsey asked as she tried to steal another piece of chicken from the platter. Hannah slapped her hand before she could snatch it.

  “There won’t be enough for the enchiladas if you don’t stop.” Hannah handed her the block of cheddar. “Here, shred the cheese. I’d ask Jack to do it, but he’d eat half of it.”

  Lindsey looked over to where Jack was sitting at the table, playing on his iPad. The rain that had chased them in from the pond—and their work on the new deck—had changed from a downpour to a light drizzle. They’d gotten more work done than she’d expected, and she assumed it was because Jack was there helping. The rain had started about four and after packing up their tools and hurrying back to the house, they were all soaked. By the time they’d showered and changed clothes, the chicken in the slow cooker was done, and soon the enchilada assembly would begin.

  “I think the rain has stopped,” Jack said. “Can I go on a hike with the dogs?”

  Hannah looked at him, then glanced out the window. “I don’t know. It’s kinda messy outside. Those are the only clothes I brought for you.”

  “Just a short one. I won’t get dirty.”

  “Okay, but don’t be gone too long. It’ll be dark soon. And dinner will be ready.”

  “I won’t.” He came over to the counter and stole a wad of the shredded cheese. “Put extra cheese on my half.”

  “Half?” Lindsey shook her head. “No, no. I get half. You and your mom get the other half.”

  Jack laughed. “No! You and Mom share. It was my turn to pick dinner so I should get the most.”

  “Who are you kidding? You pick dinner every night.”

  He stole another wad of cheese. “That’s because I pick the best meals!”

  She swatted at him playfully and he ducked out of the way with a laugh. “Go on, take your hike.”

  “Come on, boys,” he said as he held the back door open for the dogs. He took his hiking stick that was leaning in the corner and waved at them before closing the door again.

  “The two of you are a mess,” Hannah said.

  “A mess? Well, we’re going to be a fat mess if you don’t stop cooking all these delicious meals.”

  Hannah looked her over with a smile. “Fat? I can’t see it.” She wiggl
ed her eyebrows. “I think we get enough exercise, don’t you?”

  “I certainly can’t complain about the amount of exercise we get, no.”

  Hannah laughed. “I would hope not.” She held her gaze steady. “I never thought I’d be the type of person who would want to have sex…like every day.”

  “Oh, yeah?” She took a step closer. “Every day, huh?”

  Hannah wiped her hands before looping them around her neck. “I get aroused just being near you. Like now.”

  Lindsey heard a loud clap of thunder, but she ignored it. She heard the patter of rain on the roof, but she dismissed it. She pulled Hannah closer, fitting their bodies together. The kiss they shared nearly melted her bones. Hannah pressed against her, her tongue snaking into her mouth.

  Maybe because they were here in her kitchen, maybe because this was so familiar to them, maybe because this was their place where they could be themselves…but she lost sight of the fact that Jack was there.

  They heard the door open, they heard a sharp gasp, but they couldn’t pull apart quickly enough.

  “No! What are you doing?”

  Jack’s voice was loud, shrill. He looked first at Hannah, then turned accusing eyes to her. Lindsey wished she could crawl into a hole and hide from his eyes. He tossed down the hiking stick and it rattled on the floor. Then he turned and ran back outside, into the rain, the dogs chasing after him.

  “Jack!” Hannah yelled, going after him but Lindsey stopped her.

  “No. I’ll go. It’s me he’s mad at.”

  “Honey, I’m so sorry. This is my fault. I started it. I forgot…”

  “I know. I did too.”

  “We should go together. You shouldn’t have to face him alone. I know how you feel about him knowing.”

  “If I’m ever going to get past my fear of this, then I’ve got to do it.”

  “Where do you think he went?”

  “He went to the pond,” she said with certainty.

  “It’s getting dark. It’s raining. What if he didn’t go there? What if he’s running home?”

  Lindsey looked out into the approaching darkness, the drizzle that was getting harder. She stared outside for a moment, then turned back to Hannah. “He went to the pond.”

  “Take the Mule. You’ll catch him before he gets there.”

  She hesitated. “I think maybe he needs to get there first. I think maybe he needs some time alone.”

  “Lindsey…he’s nine years old. It’s getting dark.”

  Lindsey pulled her into a tight hug. “He’ll be ten in a few weeks. Don’t let him catch you saying he’s only nine.”

  Hannah smiled at that. “Okay, I’ll quit worrying. And you’re probably right. He could use a few minutes alone.” She stepped away. “I’ll get you a couple of towels.”

  Lindsey slipped on a sweatshirt that was hanging on the coatrack by the door and grabbed a baseball cap too. “Thanks,” she said as she took the towels from Hannah. “Can you hold dinner? Jack and I will both be pissed if we miss out on the enchiladas.”

  Hannah nodded, then leaned closer and kissed her. “I love you. Please bring him back safely.”

  “I will.” She paused. “I just hope he doesn’t…you know…”

  “Honey, Jack isn’t going to dictate my personal life.”

  Lindsey let out a nervous breath. “Okay. Be right back.”

  She ran out into the rain. The Mule was parked on the side where she normally kept it. While it had a roof and a windshield—that they normally kept folded down—there were no doors. The seat was wet from the rain and she used one of the towels to sit on.

  She drove slowly, the lights of the Mule cutting through the rain as it came down harder. She was trying to think of what she was going to say to Jack when she found him, but she couldn’t gather her thoughts. All she could imagine was him lashing out at her, him wanting nothing to do with her anymore…him telling her to stay away. That would break her heart. But then what? Would she and Hannah continue their affair during the week, only to be absent in each other’s lives on the weekends? How long would that last?

  She turned on the road that would take her to the pond. She slowed even more, wondering if he’d had enough time to get there. If he’d run, then yes. But it was getting dark. Was he scared? Was he sure of the route? Quit worrying, she told herself. He’d been out to the pond dozens of times. He knew his way around the trails as well as she did.

  The headlights of the Mule reflected off the water, and she turned toward the new deck and the lean-to. She let out a relieved breath when she saw him. He was sitting against the back of the lean-to, his knees drawn up to his chest, his arms wrapped around them. The dogs were with him, and they ran out when they saw her. She left the lights on and got out, absently rubbing both of the dogs’ heads, keeping her eyes on Jack.

  She walked slowly toward him, then stopped when he held up a hand.

  “Go away,” he said. “Leave me alone.”

  She stood there in the rain, trying to decide what to do. “We should probably talk, Jack.”

  “I don’t want to talk to you.”

  She squatted down, wanting to get to his level. The dogs had gone back under the lean-to with Jack, and Max was looking at her questioningly, as if wondering why she was out in the rain.

  “It’s my fault, Jack,” she said. “I’m the one who wanted to keep it a secret from you.”

  He raised his head a little to look at her. “Why?”

  “I…I didn’t want you to be mad at me. I thought you would hate me.” He put his head back down but didn’t say anything. She stood back up. “I love your mom, Jack. And she loves me. She loves me like she loved your daddy…but different.”

  He looked up again. “No.”

  “Yes.” She spread her hands out. “Come on, Jack. You’ve been around us, you’ve seen us. I know you’re young, but I think even you can tell when two people are falling in love.”

  “No!”

  “Yes,” she countered.

  A rumble of thunder overhead seemed to open up the clouds and a downpour ensued. She stood there, getting drenched, waiting on him. He stared at her for the longest time before speaking.

  “At least get out of the rain,” he said, his voice quiet…small.

  She nodded. “Thank you.”

  She went under the lean-to and moved Barney out of the way so she could sit down beside Jack. She leaned closer to him. He didn’t pull away from her.

  “I love you, Jack. If it wasn’t for you…I don’t think I’d have made it this summer.”

  He turned his head. “What do you mean?”

  She stared at him but shook her head. “Nothing. Never mind,” she said quietly. “But you…you’re very, very important to me. And your mom has become very important to me. The two of you…that’s what keeps me going. I don’t have anyone, Jack. You’re my family now.” She took a deep breath, trying not to cry in front of him. “Everyone just wants to be happy. Aren’t you happy with me being in your life?”

  “Yeah,” he mumbled.

  “The three of us, we’re happy together, aren’t we?”

  He nodded. “Yes. We’re a family.”

  She put her arm around him and pulled him close. “We’re a family.” She heard him crying, and she turned, gathering him into her arms.

  “I’m sorry,” he said through his tears.

  “No, I’m sorry. But it upsets your mom when you run away like that.”

  He nodded against her. “I know. But I was…I was scared when I saw you.”

  She pulled away enough to see his face, his eyes still swimming in tears. She brushed his cheek. “What were you scared of? You knew what it meant, right?”

  He nodded, but when he tried to look away from her she finally understood.

  “Were you scared that your mom was taking me away from you?”

  He nodded again and she saw his lower lip tremble.

  “Oh, Jack…nothing’s going to change. You and me, we�
��re buddies.”

  He wiped his nose with the back of his hand. “And you and Mom?”

  She smiled at that. “Well, we’re different kind of buddies,” she said. “I love her. She loves me. Do you understand what that means?”

  He nodded. “Are you going to sleep with her at night?”

  “Would that bother you if I did?”

  “No. Because you’d be there when I went to bed at night and you’d be there when I woke up.”

  “That’s right. You and your mom wouldn’t have to be alone anymore.”

  “Okay. Barney would probably like having Max over too,” he conceded.

  She smiled. “Yes, he would. Do you think your mom would let Max sleep with you and Barney?”

  “We’ll probably have to tell her he sleeps on the floor even though he’ll get in bed with me.”

  “Okay. It’ll be our secret.” A loud clap of thunder made them both jump. “We should probably get back home. Your mom will be worried.”

  “She’ll be mad,” he said.

  “I just hope she hasn’t started eating our enchiladas yet.”

  * * *

  Hannah was pacing in the kitchen, and she let out a relieved sigh when she saw the lights of the Mule. The rain was pouring down so she stayed inside, waiting. Jack was the first to come to the door, and when he opened it, she met his eyes, trying to read them.

  “You said if I ever ran away again, you’d beat the crap out of me.”

  Hannah grabbed him and held him tight against her, not even noticing his wet clothes. “I love you, Jack.”

  He clutched her shirt as he cried, and she had to blink her own tears away. She saw Lindsey at the door and she looked up. Lindsey simply nodded and went back outside, standing under the porch while it rained.

  She leaned down, wiping the tears from his face. “Are you okay, honey?”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “We didn’t think you’d understand. Lindsey was afraid—”

  “That I’d hate her.”

  Hannah nodded. “She loves you, Jack.”

  “I know. I love her too.”

  At that, Hannah couldn’t hold back her tears any longer, and she hugged him tightly again. She saw movement outside the window, and she looked up, seeing Lindsey watching them. She smiled through her tears and motioned her inside.