Sins & Secrets

by Carolyn Chambers Sanders

  “Nah, I ain’t trying to go there. To make sure, I’m going to get under this water for a quick nut. I just need to relax a little. So I will call you back in a minute after I get this nut.”

  “Wait Candice, I am not finish talking to you yet.”

  “Either you gonna listen while I get this nut or I will call you back.”

  CLICK.

  “I thought so.”

  I am trying to get this monkey off my back before I go out with this fine man tonight. Girls, ya’ll know how it is when ya horny and have not had a nut in a while . . . you just might do anything to get the D, tongue, or whatever you need at that time. So I am gonna get mine right now and not worry about it later.

  It took me less than a minute to come under the running water. Damn that was a good hard cum. Let me call Toi back before she start acting crazy.

  As soon as she answered the phone I said, “Okay girl, I’m finished.”

  “I can’t believe you. You would rather lie under some running water than get the real thing. Something is definitely wrong with you.”

  I replied, “The water never lets me down, it hit that clit for as long as I want it to and I know it is going to be good every time.”

  “Why didn’t you just let Fred take care of that situation? You already know what he workin’ wit.”

  “I don’t want it yet.”

  “Girl, stop fronting. Bet you can’t remember the last time you had some meat in ya life.”

  “You right. You know I want to give it to him so bad, eww wee, but not tonight.”

  “Why?”

  Someone knocked at the door.

  “Gotta go, love ya.”

  It was Fred. He had a single white tulip in one hand and a bottle of perfume in the other. I ain’t gon’ lie, he caught me off guard. I wasn’t expecting the flower. When we talked earlier in the week, he asked what my favorite flower was. I gave him a few hints, but never told him it was tulips. He got it right. Damn nigga, you showing some strong potential!

  I told him to come in for a few minutes, so I could finish up some business.

  “Your house is like you, flawless. I see you’re into African art too,” he said.

  “Thank you. Yeah, I try to keep a little of the motherland around me. It keeps me grounded and thankful for what I have.”

  I gave him a bottle of Dom Perignon to open and asked him to pour me a glass too.

  When I returned, he said, “Let’s have a toast.”

  “To a wonderful evening and new beginnings.”

  As I looked into his eyes, I saw something that made my heart flutter. Suddenly I felt like a young girl on her first date, nervous and very apprehensive. Everything was almost unreal.

  When we walked outside, a black Mercedes-Benz limo was waiting for us. A flask of my favorite drink mixture, Moët, Grand Marnier, and Alizé, was inside the limo. I’m weak for a man that not only talks to me, but also listens. I mean really listen to what I’m saying.

  “So you’re pulling out all the stops, I see. I like. I like.”

  “Well, special ladies deserve special things, and let’s just leave it at that.”

  Now this is how a man is supposed to treat a lady.

  The limo drove us to a restaurant on South Beach. They’re supposed to have the best stone crab dishes in the city. After a delicious candlelit dinner, we went to a small sidewalk café on Ocean Boulevard.

  We had drinks, talked and laughed. Then, we walked along the seawall and sat by the oceanfront. The moon was full and a slight breeze was blowing from the water. He held my hands as we talked. Every time he touched me, my heart would beat faster.

  He was so different from what I expected. I thought he’d take me to eat and then just try to get the draws. I was definitely prepared to tell him no. I must admit, he surprised me with the perfume, the drinks, the restaurant, and the tulip. Oh, let’s not forget the first-class ride; it’s not every day that a man takes you out on your first date in a limo.

  Fred seemed to be a gentle spirit. He was attentive, a good listener, and he complimented me all night. We took our shoes off and walked along the shore. It was a beautiful night, and it felt comforting to be with Fred.

  Yeah, I know. This is the same nigga that had his thang halfway down my friend’s throat. But, think about it. We all have skeletons in our closet. I just happen to know one of his; he’s a freak. But y’all already know, sometimes I like a little freaky-deaky in my life too.

  I guess he was thinking the same thing.

  “Did it bother you to see me have sex with Amber?”

  Even though I wasn’t really tripping, I had to let him know that because he was not my man he could do whatever and whoever he wanted to, but if he was my man or we were working on a relationship it would not be tolerated.

  Nevertheless, being who I am, I just looked at him and said, “Why should it bother me? I didn’t know you at all back then. Don’t get me wrong, if it happened again, I wouldn’t give you the time of day. But, you ain’t my man, so I can’t tell you what to do.”

  Okay, okay. Believe it or not I really did not give a damn; actually I enjoyed watching him in action. I guess it’s just the freak in me. Anyway, I have never been the kind of woman who stayed on dick patrol. A nigga gon’ give it away every chance he gets, but he won’t drive me crazy worrying about who gonna get it next. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather know what a nigga been in before he all up in me. I gotta little change, but Magic’s miracle cure ain’t hit the market. If you know what I mean.

  “Candice, I’d like to spend as much time with you as possible before spring training is over. I have to go to Montreal when the season starts. From the first time I saw you, I wanted you. You are one of the few women I’ve met that didn’t mention a relationship, a man, or sex as a top priority. I realize that the other night complicates things, but I hope we get can past that. So, will you give me a chance?”

  Well, at least he realized that whatever we were thinking about doing was going to be a difficult ride.

  I couldn’t do anything but smile and say, “I think I’d like that.” He looked relieved as I snuggled up against him and lay my head on his shoulder. He felt like a big warm teddy bear in my arms during the limo ride back to my house.

  We didn’t say a word during the ride either. The only sound was the wind whistling and Keith Sweat playing in the CD player.

  I can’t lie, I fell asleep because it was so comfortable. But we did eventually make it to my house and my little Cinderella pumpkin ride was just about over.

  “Wake up baby, we’re here.”

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to doze off like that.” I guess the long days I had been spending at work were finally catching up with me.

  “It’s fine. I like watching you sleep. The little drool coming out your mouth. The small little poots.”

  “Stop lying! Ewww . . . I’m so sorry.”

  “Gotcha. I’m just paying you back for the ‘this is Cindy, her sister’ joke. You looked like an angel; so peaceful, so beautiful.”

  “Stop making me blush.”

  After he opened the limo door, he walked me to my porch and asked, “Can I see you tomorrow? I’m leaving in five weeks, and I don’t want to miss any chance to be with you.”

  “I don’t know. Well, yes you can see me tomorrow. Would you like to come in for a while?” I wasn’t ready for him to leave, so I added, “Go take care of the limousine driver, and I’ll take you home later.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yeah baby. I’m sure.”

  It was something about this man that had me going. I wanted to throw him to the floor and make love to him all night. One thing I’ve learned is that if you want sex and want it so bad that you’ll do anything to get it, then it’s just lust. But, if you want to make love and can wait, then that’s working toward a real friendship. Since Fred still wanted to come in even though I think he knew he wasn’t getting the draws, I was sure he wanted more too. />
  We watched movies and talked until sunrise. I forgot that I had some clients meeting me at the office Saturday morning. I was late getting to work because Fred didn’t have to be to practice until 11:00. I cooked breakfast and brought it to him in bed. Before y’all think it, no we didn’t make love that night. As a matter of fact, he didn’t even try to kiss me.

  Over the next five weeks, I was with Fred every day. He took me to work on the nights that I stayed at his house. My work days were long and tiring. I used that as an excuse not to go to Fred’s games. I did not want anyone associating me with him until I was for sure he was the one. I was really enjoying the time we spent together. For the first time in a long time, I caught myself saying “we” more than “I.”

  He sent flowers, stuffed animals, and lots of French chocolates. We were having a beautiful time together. Although we didn’t make love, we held each other constantly. He was my sweetheart; the kind of man a woman only dreams about. I kept telling myself that he was too good to be true.

  Every day I went to work, I looked forward to seeing him and waking up in the morning with him next to me. Some nights we stayed at my house and others we stayed at his. Everything was as perfect as it could be, and the thought of him leaving me tomorrow made me sad. My heart hurt like I was losing my best friend.

  He had really gotten to my inner soul. What I was feeling really scared me, but I wasn’t going to let him go. I wanted him. I wanted all of him, but I couldn’t let him know yet.

  EIGHT

  You have cried all night

  Even walked in the rain,

  contemplated suicide

  And other crazy things,

  Let him go before he

  Drives you insane,

  You may be alone

  But at least there’s . . .

  no more pain

  I talked to Fred every day over the last month, but I was still missing him more than I expected. We were together every day before he left, but that didn’t help. Even though he’d been gone for only a month, it still seemed like forever.

  Before he left, we held each other every night, all night, and enjoyed each other to the fullest. We hadn’t made love yet, and boy do I miss that. Whoever said, “You can’t miss what you never had,” is a damn liar.

  I guess we were having mind sex. You know . . . like when you get into a person’s head and they get into yours. Remember that song that said “you don’t have to take your clothes off to have a good time.” It was definitely coming to life here.

  Fred wanted me to go with him when he left, but I have responsibilities, not to mention that I have a business to run. I think he tried to understand, but I could tell that he was disappointed. This was a man who was used to women dropping everything just to be with him.

  Believe me, I had no intention of throwing everything I built away for love. Yo girl wasn’t that sprung and anyway, love is too unpredictable. I let him know that I was going to miss him and even threw in a few tears. No matter how hard a man is, a pretty woman crying will bring him to his knees in a hot second. Being the diva that I am, when I play I expect to win, by any means necessary.

  He even began calling me no later than thirty minutes after I got home from work each day. On that particular day, I knew that he would be calling a little earlier, as he had a meeting with his agent at our usual talk time. Not long after I walked into the house, the phone started ringing. I put down my briefcase and ran toward my bedroom. Shoot, it stopped before I could get to it. Although all I had to do was call his cell phone back, I decided to listen to the message. If I tell you this man’s voice could make Martha Stewart wet, I’d still be doing him an injustice. As I pressed the play button, I heard Amber’s voice.

  “Candice, I did it. He finally pushed me too far, and I did it. Please come over because I don’t know what to do,” she said in an unusually calm tone.

  There was an unfamiliar emptiness in her words. I knew she was talking about Randy. Maybe she finally left the nigga. It’s about time cause the “get beat down boo hoo routine” was getting kinda old.

  I called her right back.

  “What’s up girl? I know how you feel, but it’s about time you left that sorry Negro.” Knowing that she usually would burst into tears right about this time, I tried to make her laugh.

  “You know that you were too much woman or should I say your coochie was too big for those three inches. You need a man that can fill you up not tease you.”

  When she did not laugh, I knew that something was wrong, because she was still serious. I didn’t know what else to say until she started slowly speaking. “No Candice. I did it. He made me do it. He was in my bed, my bed with that hoe Shaniqua. I just couldn’t take it no more. She had an apartment, why couldn’t they just go there? Why my house? Why did he have to bring that whore in my house? Please Lord forgive me! I came home and saw her car in my garage. I could just see them laughing at me behind my back. Eating my food. Drinking up my wine. I am tired of being his fool. I don’t deserve to be walked over and mistreated, I am too good to him. So, I went upstairs and heard them giggling in my bedroom. Can’t you just see ’em Candice? She was all wrapped up in my Ralph Lauren sheets. I tried to hold it in. I stood there for a minute, with tears in my eyes, all torn up inside. Then I cracked open the bedroom door. I saw her riding him with a smile on her face and I just lost it. I can still hear her, ‘oh daddy, daddy it feels so good.’ I closed the door and went to the hall closet and got the gun. All I wanted to do was scare them and make them get out of my bed, out of my house. I put the gun in my purse and opened the door to tell them to get the hell out of my house. They just looked up and started laughing. Do you know how I felt? Why did they have to laugh at me? Why? He even said, ‘Wait till I get this nut, I’m about to cum.’ She laughed and kept riding him; bouncing up and down harder and harder while smiling at me. I felt so disrespected and violated when he told me to wait. How could he do that to me in my home, in my bed? I totally lost it, my mind went blank and my whole body went numb. I don’t know what happened. I just snapped. I . . . I pulled the trigger.”

  “You did what, you did what, Amber?” I replied quickly.

  “I pulled the trigger,” she said slowly in a babylike tone as if she was unsure of what she was saying and what she had done.

  I was speechless. I stood for a minute to collect my thoughts and made absolutely sure that she had said what I thought she said.

  “Baby, did you shoot them? Amber, please tell me you didn’t shoot them.”

  “I killed those mothafuckas. I killed them, both of them. I shot her in the chest, and I put a bullet in his nuts.”

  She sounded confused, but sure of what she was saying.

  “Amber, listen . . . where are they now? Where are they now? Are they breathing?”

  “I don’t know. But, why they still smiling at me Candice? Make ’em stop! Please make ’em stop!”

  She started crying and screaming, “Please Candice, make them stop looking at me, please, please, make them stop.”

  BAM!!! BAM!!! I heard two shots being fired in the background.

  “Amber, what was that?”

  She had definitely lost her freakin’ mind, but she’s my friend. I knew I had to keep her on the phone while I headed to her house. I got my cell phone out and called her.

  “Answer the other line Amber, it’s me. My phone is going out.”

  Y’all don’t know how hard it was for me not to call the police. I ain’t do nothing. Why am I even getting involved? This girl needs help. Would she do the same for me?

  Yeah . . . yeah she would, without question. I had to help her the best I could, even if it meant losing it all.

  As I talked to her on one line, I called Big Money on my business cell.

  “Money!”

  “Red? Is that you?”

  “Meet me at Amber’s house?”

  “Who?”

  “Money, please! Just meet me at Amber’s house. Do you remember
where she lives?”

  “Yes, I do. What’s . . ”

  I cut him off and said, “Just come now, I need you.”

  I hung up. I didn’t want to say too much over the phone. Call me paranoid or whatever, but I ain’t with taking unnecessary chances.

  When I got to Amber’s house, her garage door was still up. I went in and closed it, so no one would notice Shaniqua's car. I went upstairs and found Amber in the bedroom saying, “You better stop looking at me, stop looking at me!”

  She was still pulling the trigger, but she had used all the bullets.

  “Amber! Stop it! You gotta get yo self together. You’re in a lot of trouble sweetheart. Don’t you know what you’ve done?”

  She just sat there with soulless eyes and a jokerlike smile.

  “Candice, I took care of those bastards. I told them that they better not come back,” she said while rocking back and forth. She had definitely lost her freakin’ mind.

  I had to get her out of the room away from them. Hopefully, that would help her snap back to reality and realize what she had done. I took her downstairs and told her to wait for Money. I went back upstairs and found the gun. I put it in my purse. I couldn’t trust that with nobody. I took a blanket and laid it over their bodies, and I started cleaning up the blood the best I could.

  “Skreeeech!!!”

  I heard a car pull into the driveway. When I looked out the window, I saw Money and his boy Black getting out of the car. I met them at the front door.

  “What’s the deal, Re —”

  I cut him off, grabbed his arm, and told Black to wait with Amber. I took Money upstairs.

  When we walked into the room, he saw the blood and said, “Damn baby, what y’all do? Kill a muthafucka?”

  “Wasn’t no y’all in this, Money. Amber did. She killed Randy.”

  “Ain’t that the same nigga we beat down for y’all? Don’t look like playboy doing too good. Got damn, she shot that nigga nuts off! Damn Red, she really messed them up. Yo girl has gone crazy in this motha!” he said with a semismile on his face.