by Korry Smith
“Damn, kid.” He moved his hands away from my hips and splayed his fingers across my stomach.
Slowly and agonizingly, he inched them closer and closer to the top hem of my pajama bottoms. I held my breath, and my body stiffened, waiting, and needing him to break that last barrier.
But then, like always, Alex removed his hand and rolled away from me. It was the biggest tease and hugest let down in my entire life. I’d hoped he would stay there in bed, but his conscience must have been nagging at him to get up and go sulk on the couch. I flipped over and grasped a hold of the back of his jeans before he could leave me.
Even in the darkness, I could make out his startled face. “What’s wrong?”
"You can't keep doing that to me,” I said. “You're either with me before my birthday, or you're not."
“I’m sorry,” Alex said as he unhooked my fingers from his jeans and lied back down on the bed. We were one on one with each other, and he held my face in his hands, staring at me intently. “You're right. It's fucked up of me to rub my dick all over you, and…” He sighed. “It won't happen again."
I glared; hating and loving him all at once. "That's not what I want."
"I know," he said kissing the tip of my nose.
Alex broke the deal for the millionth time.
If he could cheat and break the rules, why couldn't I?
No longer bound to my word, I threw my arms around his neck and kissed him. It wasn't soft nor was it tender like our first time, but more forceful and heated. I wanted him so badly, and I refused to wait.
He froze, unsure how to react, but when I took his lip ring in between my teeth and tugged on it, he came undone. Rolling over on top of me, he intensified the kiss, and our tongues met for the first time.
I arched my back, pressing my chest into his, and widened my legs. He settled between them, fitting with me like a glove, and our bodies moved as one. Alex thrust his hips into me, it was forceful, persuasive, and wanton, but broke our kiss.
When my lips sought him out, he was gone. He rested his forehead on my shoulder as we both tried to catch our breaths.
"More," I said, trying to pull his face back up to mine.
"Baby, I can't."
He sounded so tortured, but I smiled at the fact that he called me 'baby' and not 'kid.' There was another time I recalled him calling me by such a name. It was during our first shooting lesson when I'd hit my face with the gun. I'd completely overlooked it then, but as I thought back on it now, it was telling of his feelings for me.
One slip of the tongue had told me everything; I just wasn't listening.
"Why can't you?" I asked, and he heaved another sigh. I quickly interrupted him before he had a chance to speak. "Please do not give me that underage bullshit, all right? We both know that's not the reason."
He kept his face hidden in my hair, wrapping his arms around me, and holding my body closer. "Because you're the only thing that matters, and I don't…" he murmured so low that I almost didn't hear him. "I don't want to do something to fuck that up."
"Why do you put me on this pedestal?" I asked, slipping my fingers into his hair, and entangling them. "I'm not good or perfect as you think I am. I'm damaged just like everyone else."
He shook his head, further burrowing it into my shoulder. "If I allow myself to be with you, I’ll crush you and pull a fucking Lennie."
My brows furrowed in confusion. "Lennie?"
He nodded.
"Like, from the book Of Mice and Men?"
Alex shifted up on his elbows and smiled down at me. "You see, you always know what I am thinking and shit. What kid your age would have known about Lennie and that God-damn puppy? That's what I fucking love about—" He stopped himself abruptly, glancing away from me. "Maybe Sawyer’s right."
I stared up at him, confused about his statement on Sawyer, but also unable to process the fact the L word had slipped from his lips. Did he believe that he was going to love too much and that the weight of that passion was going to crush me? I was undecided whether he was speaking literally or figuratively.
"God, Alex!" I laughed, reaching up and smoothing out the tired lines on his forehead. "Why are you making things so complicated?"
"I don't know.” Turning his gaze back to me, he lowered his lips and firmly pressed them to mine. It was over before I could respond, and he was burying his face in my hair again. "I'm fighting a losing battle."
The solution was simple.
"Stop fighting."
It was quiet for a long time, and I didn't know what he was thinking. Eventually though when his breathing became shallow, and his body relaxed, I knew he had fallen asleep.
Closing my eyes and gripping handfuls of his hair, I fell after him.
My dreams were vivid and filled with tattoos, lip rings, and lingering kisses. It was blissful, yet nowhere near as perfect as the real thing. When my eyes opened, Alex was lying next to me and drifting his fingers along my bare arm. It was how a boyfriend treats his girlfriend, and as much as I wanted that, I knew we were still in this weird, unnecessary limbo, but if we were going to pretend…
Rolling over on my side, I flung my leg over his. “Morning.”
"Did you sleep okay?"
I nodded slowly. "How about you?"
"Oh, yeah. I slept like a fucking baby."
He was practically bouncing off the bed with excitement. I'd never seen him like this before, and I couldn't help but smile at him, like a lovesick goon.
"I can tell. You’re extra peppy."
“That’s because I made a decision.” He stopped wiggling around and got serious. I held my breath as his intensity spread through my bones with a tingling feverishness. “Fuck it.”
"Fuck it?" I repeated, not sure what he meant.
"Yeah. Fuck what anyone says. Fuck Sawyer. Fuck the law. Fuck everything." Alex placed his hand on my face and rubbed his thumb across my bottom lip. He bent his head down and whispered. “I want you."
“Really?” I whispered back.
Alex’s response was a kiss so forceful and intense it caused a mild pain in my chest. He had me pinned down with his weight, keeping me crushed and immobilized beneath him. My fingers were clutching his shoulders and using it as a sturdy grip to lift myself up. Alex had to know how much I needed him. He grunted in response, crashing his tongue against mine, as he drove his hips into me.
It elicited a loud and breathy moan. “Mmm.”
“Shhh,” he said, moving his mouth from mine, and leaving me a red-faced mess.
Trailing his lips south, he touched a tender spot at the hollow of my neck and gently sucked. My breathing was erratic and fast like my pounding heart, and I clawed at the bed sheets, gripping the fabric within my fists. I screwed my eyes shut, concentrating on the sweet sensation of his lips as they continued their assault on my skin. Alex’s rough, yet surprisingly soft, hands slid up and wrapped themselves around my neck. His mouth, scorching on my dampish flesh, kept descending lower and lower. Flicking his tongue out, he licked the peak of my breast through the thin fabric of my top.
“Please,” I said with a gasp.
Alex pushed my shirt up as his lips ghosted over my skin, breathing, and tormenting until he put me out of my misery and wrapped his mouth around my aching, hard nipple. He sucked, twirled his tongue, and grazed me with his teeth. I jerked, but his hands were firmly around my neck and keeping me still. He didn't look up. The top of his head, a mess of black hair, was the only thing I could see.
Sucking on the raw, sensitive skin that he'd bitten moments ago, Alex pulled back slightly and blew on it, sending chills throughout my whole body.
I fell back against the pillow and sighed.
Fuck it.
He can do whatever he wanted.
Alex's hot breath wafted over me, causing my sensitive and receptive skin to prickle and pucker. He removed his hands from my neck and glided them down my shoulders and arms, grabbing at my clenched fists and yanking them away from the sheets.
He raised his head up, eyes darker than I'd ever seen, and gave me a sly grin. "Have you ever been kissed like this before?"
"No," I said, thinking about all those awkward times with my ex-boyfriend. "Definitely not."
"I can tell," he said, placing a soft kiss on that patch he'd sucked and bitten, which was now darkening to a deep shade of purple.
My eyes widened. "Did you seriously just give me a hickey?"
"It's just a little one.” Covering it with my shirt, Alex scooted up on the bed, and his body hovered over mine. He lowered his head, and briefly kissed me. "Don't worry, kid. I put it somewhere no one will ever see it, and if they do see it, they're as good as fucking dead."
"So, it's a warning then?" I asked, hiking my leg up and wrapping it around his waist.
"More or less." He kissed me again.
Man, the guy was a glutton.
"Who's it a warning to?"
"Any motherfucker who thinks he can take what's mine," he said with a bitter and domineering edge. "You're my girl now."
That should have been a red flag to me, reminding me how dangerous it was to get involved with such a possessive man, especially with all that 'We are women, hear us roar,' feminist movement that my mom had instilled in me. But I couldn't help feeling wanted by it, and as sure as shit wasn't going to stop it. I liked knowing that I belonged to him and that he would kill anyone who tried to take me away. It made being his girl more appealing.
"Later," he said, tracing his fingers around my lower stomach, "I want my name here."
Inhaling sharply, I lifted my hips up in response, wanting him to touch me more firmly and intimately.
He drew a line with his nose, up and around my chin and to my ear. He spoke softly. "Would you do that for me?"
I nodded, closing my eyes tightly as I felt his hand slip underneath my waistband, slowly moving it downward. He stopped. Hesitating.
"Would you let me put my name here?" he asked, his fingers lightly tapping the skin.
"Yes," I whimpered, licking my lips.
I felt him smile into my neck. God, he was such a teasing asshole.
He continued his journey with his fingers, drumming them against me and moving further down and coming upon that spot that plunges and drops below, curving into my need. He's less than an inch away from my aching lips.
"And how about here?" he asked, kissing, and nibbling at my earlobe. "Would you let me mark you here with my mouth?"
"Yes. Anywhere you want," I panted, gripping the sheets again. "Just touch me."
Alex knew what he was doing and was purposely taunting me. It was in that moment I'd wished I wasn't that inexperienced. It wasn't fair for him to have all the power.
"Please," I whispered.
Shifting his body up to get better access, he moved his fingers down and dipped them between my lips. My hands gripped his shirt, pulling him down as I lifted myself up, it caused him to enter me. He groaned as he slowly and tantalizingly slid his finger in and out.
I moaned a little too loudly, which he had to stifle with his mouth to keep me quiet. Testing my limits and my comfort, he waited before inserting two fingers. It glided in with ease. I was throbbing, and so wet. My pussy made smacking noises as he picked up the pace and went knuckles deep.
“Fuck, baby!” He growled, and thrust his hips into me, seeking his friction and release.
And just as his thumb made circular motions on my swollen clit and sending that thrill down to my toes, the fucking door opened.
"Hey, guys, are you up?" Len boomed as he burst into the room. "We're going out to eat—Holy shit!"
Alex jerked his hand out. I screamed and threw the covers over me.
"God damn it, Len! Get the fuck out of here!" Alex shouted and threw something at him, but it hit the wall and crashed to the ground.
Len cackled as he slammed the door closed.
I thought dating an older guy that shit like this wouldn't happen, but at that moment, I was a kid again. The embarrassment of my parents catching my boyfriend finger-banging me was vivid and real.
Ugh! Kill me.
Alex slipped under the protection of my covers and wrapped his arms around me. It was comforting, but I couldn't expel the look on Len's face when he saw what we were doing.
"I'm sorry," he said, kissing my shoulder. "I'll get a fucking lock on that door as soon as possible. I promise."
I shook my head, still mortified by the whole experience. "I can't believe that just happened."
"I shouldn't have started any of that."
"No," I said, grabbing his hand, and tucking it underneath my chin. "We need to get a lock on that door, or at least kick Len out of the apartment. What kind of inconsiderate dick doesn't knock first?"
"I could kill him if you like?"
"No, that's not necessary." I laughed. "It would take you too long to break in a new best friend."
Holding me tighter, he kissed the nape of my neck. “Not when I’ve already found his replacement.”
My relationship with Alex, which had been stagnant for over a month, was now being propelled into the stratosphere. When this guy decided on something, he just went for it. He doesn't tip his toe in slowly to test the water's temperature—No, he runs at it full speed and dives right in.
There was this ownership, and he made sure everyone around us knew I belonged to him. It was the little things I had noticed.
Before he was aware of me, always stepping ahead, but kept his hand close by, just in case he needed to grab me at a moment's notice. But now, with his decision resolute and firm in his mind? He was grabby, always touching my face, kissing my lips, and smelling my hair.
I was no longer off limits to him.
When we strolled into the hardware store with me securely tucked underneath Alex’s arm, I felt powerful, but also on display. It was quite the experience being in public with him. The looks that people would give were unlike anything I had seen. It was clear to me, even from the beginning, that he evoked fear. It was an instinct, self-preservation, telling them this guy was bad news and to keep their distance.
It made me wonder, was it all his piercings, the tattoos, and the black boots they feared or was it something else? Something that people saw in him that I didn't? Was I too close to my addiction to see the real danger?
"Fuck! This shit is expensive." Alex grunted in displeasure.
We stood in the aisle, scanning the shelves, and looking for that perfect door lock. Alex was being extremely picky about it and shot down most of my suggestions. I refrained from telling him that a door lock was just a door lock.
I learned that nothing was merely nothing when it came to Alex.
"Ah. Here we go," he said, reaching up and pulling down a deadbolt.
It was satin plated and huge. It offered the top of the line protection. The damn thing was sixty bucks.
"Good. Perfect. Let's go." The tenor of my voice expressed the sheer boredom I felt as I grabbed his shirt to tug him out.
"Shit. This lock isn't the one I want." Alex raised his arm up and put it back.
"Impossible." I groaned.
I was about to glance away from him, go off and venture into the next aisle over; when something caught my eye.
Tanya.
It was bold, black, and always there staring at me. I saw it every day and every night since our first kiss but never said anything about it because, well, I never felt as though I had any right to him. But now, things were different.
He was mine.
That tattoo and the insecurity it brought was like a runaway train, plowing me over with such force and velocity. I couldn't hold my tongue any longer.
I had to know.
"Who is Tanya?" I blurted out, my tact rusty and my lead in less than eloquent.
He shot his eyes down at me in surprise. "What?"
"The tattoo on your arm," I said, my attitude curt and seeped with jealousy. "Who is she?"
"She who?" he asked, frazzled. "Wha
t are you talking about?"
"Tan-Yaaaa," I said, drawing out the trashy girl's name. "Is she an ex-girlfriend?" Hopefully, it was a dead ex-girlfriend, and if not, I could quickly remedy that. I shook my head, trying to expel those murderous thoughts. "Maybe she’s some long-lost sister you failed to mention."
The confused expression on his face slowly faded and turned into a knowing smile. "I've always considered her to be more like a wife to me."
I gritted my teeth. "An ex-wife?"
"No, she’s still with me," he said, turning serious now. "In fact, she's here."
Everything: my heart, my mind, and the little places in between broken and shattered into a thousand pieces. The homicidal thoughts resurfaced, and the one thing that kept me upright was the joy of killing this unknown wife of his…
Tanya.
It wasn't rational thinking nor was it healthy, but I was possessive of Alex.
"Madison?" he asked, bending his knees to get eye level with me. "Would you like to meet her?"
All I could do was nod.
"Let's go then." Alex threw down the lock and hooked his arm around my neck.
He dragged me out of the aisle, weaving through the store, and leading me back up to the front. The patrons watched us with wary eyes, making sure to give us plenty of room as we passed.
"Does she work here?" I asked, searching for a cute female, someone with blonde hair and big boobs, but the only person I saw was a heavyset man with a beard.
"She's right there. Do you see her?” Alex stopped and angled my body towards the front windows of the store. “She’s the redhead.”
My eyes examined the parking lot, looking for this Tanya person, but there was no one there, just Alex's car. It didn't take a genius to figure out what he was referring to as his wife.
"Isn't she beautiful?" he asked with his hot breath on my ear. "Sitting out there, all red and shiny as fuck."
"Tanya…she's your car," I said, a little stunned but so relieved.
"Yup," he said. "That's my baby. She's been faithful to me for six years. I found her at this junkyard in Apache Junction. Some idiot didn't know what he had and gave me a killer deal on a 69’ Chevelle."
There was no wife. No girlfriend. No proof of any other woman in his life. No one I had to kill. If I deluded myself enough, I could pretend the slut from the party never existed, and he had been celibate all his life.
