Friends: A Love Story

by Angela Bassett

  “Come on, Courtney,” the nurses were calling me. “Stephanie’s in good hands. She’s going to be okay.”

  Our families held hands and hugged with full hearts and mixed emotions. I was humbled by and grateful for the amazing gift she and Kevin had given us. They’d allowed us to embark upon a journey the Henry the Explorer in me could never have imagined only a short time earlier. They’ll be part of our family forever.

  “Go,” they told me. And I did. It was time to begin my new life as a dad!

  Chapter 23

  Laying It in There

  As new parents, Angela and I spend a lot of time thinking about how to lay the foundation for the kind of people we want our children to become. We realize we have been given a tremendous responsibility—the most important job we’ll ever have. The Bible tells us to teach our children while they’re waking and while they’re sleeping, and that if we raise them up in the way they should go, when they get older they won’t depart from it. We know that Bronwyn and Slater will need strong Biblical roots to withstand all the temptations Hollywood will present them. It’s important for them to know from whence they came and to Whom they belong. To accomplish that, we will circle the wagons and surround our children with Godly people. We will teach them to “view the world through the prism of the Bible rather than to view the Bible through the prism of the world.” And like other parents we’ll pray our way through how to raise them.

  As their father, I know that teaching them discipline is essential. Discipline needs to be taught in the home; as mother and father, it’s our responsibility to lay it in there. Children don’t have to learn how to lie; they lie naturally. I know; I was a “master.” I would have cake crumbs and frosting all over my face, but if my father asked me if I had eaten any cake, I’d tell him, “Uh-uh.” I had to be taught to be a good boy. If you don’t put good values in there, then there’s a vacuum inside. Where there’s a vacuum anything can come in—and I guarantee you it’s going to be something bad! But I believe that when you teach children discipline, you also teach them boundaries. When they know they have boundaries, they know they are loved. I’ve heard kids say, “My parents don’t love me; they don’t care what I do.” That’s so sad to me. So many adults think that by not restricting their children, they’re giving them freedom; that it’s a good thing to let their kids do whatever they want. But this world provides children with too many choices and many just aren’t good for them. Giving kids that much freedom actually puts them in bondage. What they need is just the opposite—when we give them boundaries, it frees them up. When they live in the square of safety their parents carve out for them, they feel protected. Once they know they are safe and protected, they feel free to become the person God wants them to be.

  It’s a toughie, I know. I’m sure I will want my children to like and appreciate me just like every parent does. For now, though, I’m not going to be my children’s friend. We’ll all have to wait until they’re grown for that. For now, I’ve got to do whatever I have to, to lay that discipline in there day by day. They may not always like it but we will lay it in and lay it in. I’m prayerful that suddenly it will click for them and—bam!—our children will self-check. They will know how to act—we’re going to instill “please,” “yes, ma’am” and “thank you”—and they’ll know how not to act. I intend to prepare them to say, “No, we can’t do that.” They’ll know when to think, “Mommy and Daddy wouldn’t like it.” Even though we plan to expose them to lots of wonderful things, in other ways theirs will be a very focused world. We will have to tell them that they can’t do everything other people do; that they don’t need to see all that there is to see or hear all there is to hear; that they can’t be around everything and everybody. “Just because Johnny is doing it, doesn’t mean we do it in our home,” we’ll tell them. “In our house we serve the Lord.”

  In line with that, Angela and I want to teach our children some of the “old-fashioned” ways. All these computers and technological advances are great—we think it’s wonderful that you can hop on Google and find out anything in the world. But the very same computers that connect you to the Library of Congress are also wired to a world that turns into a nightmare for many people, even in the supposed safety of their own home. Obviously, we’ll want to protect our children from that. When I consider the role pornography played in my life, I realize that my mind was first harmed as a young child. Technology can also take us away from things that are very important like human-to-human contact. In our family sometimes we’re going to have to turn the computer and television off. Instead, we’re going to look at each other and have conversations at the dinner table: “How did your day go? What did you learn? Really!” We will talk about how we are doing emotionally, which I now know was missing when I was a child. We will speed back up and use our computers and technological devices later, but the kids will still have to communicate well and do tasks like long division that require patience and their undivided attention. Although we live in a society where we can do things in a blink, somehow we also intend to teach our kids the value of time. When Angela and I grew up, we didn’t have all this digital stuff. You had to dial the phone and wait for the dial to spin back around. You had to heat things on the stove and wash the dishes; there was no microwave. We will really have to consider how to teach Bronwyn and Slater the value of time when today we live in a culture where those ideas mean nothing.

  The same thing is true about money. It won’t matter that they have been born into privilege. That’s our money; they’re going to have to get theirs—they won’t be spoiled. Our kids are going to have little jobs. They’re going to be taking the garbage out and raking leaves. Even if they tell us, “Our friends don’t have to take the garbage out,” we plan on reminding them, “Your friends don’t live here.” When they’re older I envision giving them a small amount of allowance money for the entire year. We’ll help them figure out how to budget it, but when it’s gone it will be gone. That means they will learn the value of money within the safety of our home.

  “But, Dad, that’s not enough.”

  “Well, that’s all you’ve got.”

  “Oh, maaan…”

  “You better start a dog-walking business!”

  One of the most wonderful gifts my parents gave to Cecilie and me was the ability to dream. They constantly put us in museums and libraries and activities where our minds were tickled. Especially as artists, we’ll want to expose our children to all kinds of arts and culture. If we can couple that with a love of learning, they’ll be able to do anything. We’ll want them to value education and understand that it’s an important tool they can use to make their dreams come true. Doing well in school and developing good study habits will not be an option, since they’ll form the foundation for what happens in their life. They are also particularly important for African-Americans, for whom education has played such an important role in our effort to gain access to opportunities.

  Unfortunately, we still live in a world where racial prejudice exists. Therefore, we will teach our children how to interact with diverse people and navigate racism. These days racism more difficult to recognize because it’s rarely black and white—it’s gray. There are going to be times when our children are going to have to look someone in the eye and ask, “What did you say?” and then handle it. We’re not going to teach them “an eye for an eye.” It will be important for us to teach them discernment. There are some black people who will hurt you just as quickly as someone white, Latino or Asian. Above all, we are going to raise them to have a deep love of people. Angela and I know that we’re supposed to love our brethren—to experience the world together as children of God. Even when people don’t treat them well we will teach them to pray for them.

  We are prayerful that we’ll be successful in instilling these types of values. Angela and I understand that to the extent we are victorious, God will be able to take our beautiful new children and mold them so He can bring wonderful things to th
is world through them.

  As everyone who’s already a parent knows, parenting is a humbling experience. Even in the Bible there are few examples of fathers who parented well. That tells me that I have to keep growing and expanding in my relationship and parenting skills, as well as my faith. Already, these babies have turned my world upside down. Even beyond parenting they are making me change. When Angela and I first began trying to get pregnant, I also started to think about what kind of world our children would inherit. What are we going to leave for our children and our children’s children, I’d wonder? I had never really thought about that. But just like when I got married and had to allow different ideas, activities and people to come into my life, I realized I’ll need to do the same with the children. Today, the presence of our children gives me the opportunity to shop on different aisles in the grocery store. I had never felt the need to go down the baby aisle before; nor had I felt the need to go down certain avenues in life. Now I’m realizing that it’s not just about Angela and me and our immediate family. It’s about who’s going to take care of them if something happens to us? And I think more about the broader spectrum now. I realize now that sometimes you have to get out there and fight for your world. I’ve already started to do that.

  I’ve gotten involved with the Boys Club again. From the time I was eight to about fifteen, the Boys Club influenced my upbringing by providing a safe haven for me to hang out at on Saturdays, a place to play little-league football, go to day and overnight camps, do arts and crafts and become a camp counselor. Every child deserves to have that type of environment while they’re coming up. Now I have the opportunity to reciprocate. Together, Angela and I have gotten involved with “Save Africa’s Children,” a humanitarian mission founded by our minister and mentor, Bishop Charles E. Blake. “Save Africa’s Children” is spearheading a movement to address the impact of AIDS in sub-Saharan Africa, where the United Nations estimates that by the year 2010 about 40 million children will have been orphaned! Now that I am a father, the thought of my children having to fend for themselves is absolutely unbearable. I can’t allow that to be okay for anyone else’s child. Our church is physically, spiritually and financially supporting a number of orphanages all over the continent. I have become a board member. Bishop Blake likens our outreach to the story of Joseph in the Bible, suggesting that as African-Americans we can help a generation of our brothers who are living in a “desert.” If not us, who? If not now, when? Yes, we have issues here in the United States, but the problems over there are so much greater and immediate. Angela and I feel obligated from both a human and Christian standpoint. So God has laid it on our hearts, as well as on the hearts of the members of our congregation, to respond.

  We are also delighted that the United Nation’s Children’s Fund (UNICEF) has invited us to be U.S. ambassadors. UNICEF is always on the ground when disaster strikes. They are deeply committed to taking care of people and children all over the world, as I hope people would take care of our children if a disaster were to happen here. They’ve asked us to choose a country we’d like to visit and begin to establish a relationship with. We are honored and look forward to using ourselves and our celebrity to benefit children in a different part of the world. When they are old enough, we envision traveling with Bronwyn and Slater, providing them with the priceless opportunity to see firsthand how children live in other parts of the world and to extend kindness and their blessings to them. I also know that at some point soon I will bring my life full circle by getting involved in foster care and suicide prevention, since both of those issues have impacted my life and family profoundly.

  I think about these types of things now each time I hold my children against my chest, seeing and feeling their chests rise and fall with the life God has breathed into them. I think of the amazing journey of their existence each and every time Angela and I look into their bright little eyes, examine their tiny fingers and toes, then look at each other and marvel. We count our blessings time and time again. I know God has an amazing plan in store for all of us and it’s just beginning. Angela and I will have plenty of time to deal with all of these issues that being a mother and father bring to mind. But for now, we feel content as Mommy and Daddy. Our hands and our hearts are full….

  Chapter 24

  Lessons from Our Road Less Traveled

  We’d never pretend to be relationship experts—as you’ve read, we experience relationship challenges just like everyone else. But along our journey and during this unconventional life we live, stretched between two coasts, traveling around the world, and living in—and thriving in spite of—the media fishbowl, we have figured out a thing or two about what makes a relationship endure. As a little thank-you for the love you’ve shown us over the years and for supporting us by buying this book, we’d like to share a few tips for having a healthy relationship and marriage. On the pages below you’ll find our thoughts on a variety of relationship-related topics. Our ideas are separated into advice for single people, advice for those who are married and advice that applies no matter your marital status. You may decide to hone in on the ideas that most fit your relationship status. But we hope that at your leisure, you’ll read all of the information. We all have a lot to share with and learn from each other on this amazing road we call life. We are so grateful that you’ve been willing to spend a portion of your journey with us.

  Advice for singles:

  If your relationships aren’t going well or if you keep having the same experiences over and over, rather than trying to change your partner, focus your attention on the plans God has for your life. Let Him do all the changing, beginning with you!

  Angela: As human beings, we’re always trying to change or control things—other people, situations, even our thoughts. It’s like trying to control the wind or the weather. You can’t; the weather’s going to be what the weather’s going to be. You’d better just dress appropriately. You might as well just put on a hat and a scarf. In other words, you do the changing! The only thing we are really in control of changing is ourselves. That’s why it’s important to sit back and figure out why things keep happening to us—what we’re dissatisfied with and the reasons for it. When we work on ourselves, we gain a different perspective and see ourselves and others through changed eyes. Whereas in the past we may have been willing to accept less-than-admirable behavior—say, lying (even “white” lies) or chronic lateness—from ourselves and others, when you begin to hold yourself to a higher standard then that’s not even an option. If you live up to whatever values you say are important to you, people who exhibit similar values are the only people you’re going to attract. In essence, it’s about how you behave. As you change your perspective and sense of yourself, other people—your mate, friends, coworkers—will see and deal with you differently. You don’t have to stress yourself out trying to “make” them change, and your vision becomes clearer.

  Courtney: If you keep experiencing the same relationship problems over and over and/or negative kinds of people keep showing up in your love life, it’s not the other people that need changing. As Angela said, we attract people who match up with who we are and our values. So ask yourself, “Who am I?” and “What kind of person am I attracted to romantically?” If you just look for the physical, that’s what you’re going to get—a person who looks good on the outside, but may not have anything going on in the areas where it really counts. If you want to attract someone different, you have to be willing to change.

  Now, I’ll be the first to admit that change can be hard. We live in a society where we’re led to believe that if you try something one time and don’t get the results, you should give up because it doesn’t work. Even though we have a tendency to become impatient, certain things take time. What do you do while your change unfolds? Engage in positive activities that help you build a strong foundation for your new life.

  Between the time that Ahren and I broke up and Angela came into my life, I had to create consistent and affirming activitie
s to help anchor my life and give it rhythm. I had to do things differently so that I wasn’t having a permanent pity party, always thinking about my shortcomings and failings. When I still lived in New York, walking Bottom, going to the theater and getting therapy anchored my day. When I moved to Los Angeles, I immediately started to recreate that structure by handling fundamentals like finding the cleaners, the grocery store, a doctor, a dentist, an eye doctor. As I matured spiritually, going to church and Bible study, reading the Bible gave me spiritual roots. As you establish this type of structure and foundation—and especially a strong spiritual anchor—God will reveal to you what you are to do next, be it leave your job or go on a budget or step out on faith on something important. These activities will keep you so busy you won’t have the time or energy to try to change anyone else. While God is working on these activities in your life, you can rest assured that He’s working on your partner—either changing the one you have or bringing a better one to you.

  Don’t be afraid to spend time not being in a relationship, dating or having sex.

  Angela: No matter whether you’re in a relationship or not, it’s very important to learn to be happy wherever you are. We all have to guard against believing that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Being single and being married both have their pros and challenges. Especially when you’re single, you may feel lonely and wonder why you can’t find someone, why nobody loves you. But married people sometimes miss being able to think only for themselves and not having to negotiate about everything. And once you have a baby, you can hardly think of yourself at all.