When you’re single, I think it’s important to spend some downtime between relationships and take an honest look at yourself. Do you see any patterns that you’d like to stop repeating? Do your friends tell you about behaviors you’re repeating? Pay attention and consider them. One common example I’ve seen in people (including myself) is giving away too much of themselves early on in a relationship. I think we need to get to know each other over the course of time. Only with time do you find yourselves in a wide enough variety of circumstances and experiences to really learn about someone. It’s nice to be wined and dined all the time, but when you’re in a restaurant other people are waiting on you; you learn nothing about a person’s serving spirit. In other words, when you’re not in a restaurant, does he serve you or do you always have to take care of yourself? While you’re alone, you can take the time to examine these kinds of issues. Do you expect someone to take care of you or is there reciprocity?
I also think it’s very important to have platonic friends. We spend so much time thinking about eros—erotic, romantic—love because it’s the easy one to spot. But there are different kinds of love and different kinds of relationships. For example philia love—the love of brotherly and sisterly friendship and fellowship with those you enjoy—is also very important. Friendships are very important to give you variety and insight. I know that I have some friends I keep it light and general with, and other friends I can go deeper with. As a single woman it was important to me to have guy friends who just liked me for me and where our relationship was devoid of any sexual content. Not every man in your life has to want something sexual from you. And physical attraction aside, men are very alluring. They have different interests than women, they enjoy a different kind of fun, they can clue you in about men and hip you to games other guys run. It’s nice to have male friends that you just hang around with. Interacting as friends with members of the opposite sex also makes you feel more a part of the human race since they do make up half the population.
Courtney: Don’t be ashamed to save yourself sexually for the person you’re going to marry. When you’re dating it can be helpful to communicate a standard message up front: “I just want to be clear that I’m saving myself for my husband (or wife), so there’s not going to be any sex. I’m not even going to think about it. So let’s just get to know each other.” You’ll know that if the person sticks around, they like you for who you are, rather than thinking they’re going to get sex from you. When Angela told me that she wanted to wait on sex, I knew there was something special about her and that she had standards about herself. She didn’t have to do what everyone else does. She didn’t need to wear all these revealing “hoochie mama” clothes or hang out in a bar. Some men like sweet girls, women who are understated.
Until that special person comes along, it’s important to have platonic friends of the opposite sex. After Dr. Kornfield encouraged me to have women friends, I’ve developed some great platonic relationships. When I was single I looked for women I shared interests with. I found that many of them were in the same situation I was—waiting for their train to come in. But when you become friends with someone of the opposite sex, you may have to take the lead in communicating to make sure that being buddies is all you want. So that everyone’s clear and no one gets their feelings hurt, you both have to discuss where you are and what you can handle. When you both understand what the deal is, you can breathe with each other and have a wonderful, open, cool, no-tension-of-any-kind type of relationship. But in order to get to that place, you’ve gotta talk. You’ve gotta acknowledge where you both are.
Don’t just live or have children together, commit to getting married.
Angela: Children are a gift from God, and any gift from God is magnificent. So that’s the way we ought to treat children—magnificently. I believe they grow and thrive best when they have the benefit of a mother and father who are married to each other. Men and women are different. I don’t believe that one sex is obsolete or redundant or unnecessary. I don’t believe in keeping children from their parent as a punishment. That’s not the way we ought to treat them. Men and women bring different things to the table and children benefit greatly from both. Now, there are many situations where that isn’t able to happen. Maybe one parent disappears or is unavailable emotionally or physically, in which case you have to make the best of it. Or perhaps you decide to adopt as a single parent—there are many different ways of making a family. But I don’t agree with the idea of willingly having a baby when you’re unmarried. I think it’s a little selfish. I think you should come to the process with a selfless spirit, thinking about what’s best for the child and the ramifications of all of your actions. Once the child is here, it’s important to engage in the type of growth and maturation that helps you raise a healthy citizen of the world.
Courtney: Since I wasn’t raised in the church, I didn’t know that God has a divine order about sex being reserved for marriage. When you follow God’s plan, the only way it’s possible to bring children into the world is when you’re married. We’re supposed to try to be holy like He is. We’ll always fall short because He’s perfection; yet God gives us a value system to live by. If our behavior falls outside of it, we can stop, recommit and dedicate ourselves to something higher. If you stop and take yourself to another level, God will see that and bless your relationship and family because you’re trying to do things His way. You’ll also get a stronger sense of who and whose you are—and that there’s a plan. Once you know your behavior isn’t according to God’s plan, you have a choice to make. You can choose to keep doing what you’re doing, knowing it’s not what God wants. Or you can change. Ignore his Word, though, and the consequences are yours. You will get down the line and find that the price you have to pay not worth it. That’s why the Bible tells us to always count the cost.
Before you get married, make sure to find out if you and your love share similar values, dreams and desires. The character of the person you adore is not going to change. This is why it is very important to allow God to bring us our mate, for according to Scripture: O Lord, I know the way of man is not in himself; It is not in man who walks to direct his own steps (Jeremiah 10:23).
Angela: Before you think about marrying someone, find out if you share a similar vision for your lives and look at the world from the same vantage point. That’s the idea behind the Biblical maxim that we be “equally yoked.” When you get married, two spirits are supposed to become one. The last thing you want is a two-headed monster of a marriage, where you have one body—the marriage—but two heads—two sets of thoughts—going in different directions. If this happens you’ll tear the marriage and each other apart and won’t move forward. When you’re dating you’re still an independent contractor or a solo performer. But when you’re in a committed relationship or marriage, then it’s all about the team; both members should be moving in the same direction. That’s why as you move more deeply into a relationship, you need to learn about your mate.
There are all sorts of questions it’s important to investigate. Have in-depth conversations: Do you want children? When? Right away? Oh, I wanted to finish school first. Do you want to have them biologically or adopt them? Or maybe you’re dating someone who already has children: Do you want to have more? You feel like you’ve raised your kids and are past that stage? Oh… These are the kinds of questions you have to ask. Experts say that money is a major stressor in most relationships. Courtney came to our relationship as someone generous who would spend. I came as more frugal, more thrifty, more cautious. I paid my bills off early—I couldn’t stand to have them over my head. Ooo-wee, that was challenging! We still deal with our money differences a bit. But we weren’t going to keep our finances separate. If we truly believe we’re a family, we don’t want to say, “That’s yours over there and this is mine over here.”
Premarital counseling helps a lot because you can really shine a light on things you might not have been thinking about while you were wining an
d dining, kissing and hugging, and walking on the beach holding hands. I also think that before you get married it’s important to see a person’s credit report. Sure, you paid for dinner and that was nice, but how did you pull together the dollars that paid for the meal? You might have spent your rent money trying to impress me. Then when we marry your debt is my debt. That’s why I tell people, “Get those credit reports!”
Courtney: Before you get serious with someone, take the time to see who they really are. The fact that it takes time to learn your partner is one important reason why you shouldn’t hop in bed right away. If you have sex with a man, he already knows that he can get that, so he’ll be quicker to move on. But if you hold out, your partner has to take the time to know who you are—that is, if he really wants to get to know you. You may feel afraid you may lose him if you don’t “give it up,” but that’s the risk you have to take to find a decent partner. If he leaves because you didn’t have sex with him, then he was going to leave anyway.
If you’re already engaged and think you’re going to marry someone, make sure you spend time asking all the questions you may ever want to know. Even then, everything’s not going to surface until the ring’s on, you’re married and you’re experiencing enough situations together that your really discover who the other is. But before you get married, spend time narrowing the gap between who you thought this person was and who they are in reality. You don’t want to wait until after you’re married to find out that someone doesn’t want to have children or mow the grass. Yet it happens over and over. People think, “Oh, we’re in love…” No! That doesn’t cut it. Before you walk down the aisle, ask everything you need to ask.
Then, accept who the person tells you they are. The average person’s basic character is not going to change. They may learn a couple of things later in life, but for most people, whoever they became in their childhood, that’s just who they are. You’re not going to change them. If you want a nice guy, look for a nice guy and stay away from the playboy. A nice guy may get on your nerves, but at least you can work with his flaws and foibles.
Advice for married people:
Always honor and respect your husband or wife. Remember, your mate is God’s child just as you are.
Angela: Life feels wonderful during the halcyon days of a new relationship. Your face lights up when you see each other, your heart skips a beat—it’s all polka dots and butterflies. The honeymoon period of any romance is exciting, passionate, hot! But over time, psychologists say—especially once people become committed or get married—the honeymoon ends and you settle into daily life. Now you have to clean the house, pay the rent and keep the water on at the same time the car’s breaking down. You have to make decisions together and you may or may not see eye-to-eye. You have to deal with each other’s family members. Some will be a joy; others may aggravate you to no end. You’ll get on each other’s nerves. The honeymoon’s definitely over. And when you add kids to the equation, there are even more forces pulling you away from each other. With all of these stressful things going on, it’s easy to forget just how special your spouse is, and take each other for granted. It takes effort to stay connected to each other.
I think it’s important to revisit the honeymoon period during your day-to-day life. Courtney is wonderful at this. He asks me, “How did you sleep?” each and every time I wake up. And he’s always saying, “Did I get my kiss today?” He’s so sweet and cute! (I may only remember to ask him how he slept once in 150 times.) The way I remind myself of how special he is by sneaking glances at him. It’s almost like stealing glances into his spirit, his humanity. I look at him when he’s not paying attention, when he’s unaware of me. Maybe that’s a woman thing, observing. I watch him—his kindness, his generosity, how he interacts with others. And I appreciate him. I observe the times when he’s feeling confident and times when he’s not. I notice how sometimes he knows exactly what to say to me and sometimes he doesn’t. You can learn a lot about someone you love by observing them, especially watching for how they treat people when they’re not trying to get anything from them.
Courtney: The Bible always surprises me. I remember when I read in Proverbs: What is required of a man is kindness. I was stunned. The world had always told me the opposite—that I was to be strong and tough. You get no encouragement for being kind, gentle, diligent, persevering, enduring, loving, peaceful, meek or mild. People laugh at you, especially if you are a man. They’ll call you weak or a punk. The world is always louder and more vocal than the Lord. Yet when I read that passage of Scripture, the idea of being a kind man resonated in my spirit; I had been raised to be kind and thoughtful—that’s just who I am. The more I read, the more I learned that not only was it okay to be kind, but that Jesus was meek. Jesus wiped his disciples’ feet. People mistake meekness for weakness, but they’re not the same thing. Meekness is controlled strength. Now I understand that God wanted to make me into a gentleman so he could bring a very special gentlewoman to me.
In the beginning, make a decision that divorce is not an option. If you cannot take this kind of stand for your marriage with your husband/wife up front in your relationship, odds are that your union won’t last.
Angela: I always tell people not to jump into marriage. I mean, you can’t go into marriage thinking, “Well, I’m going to give it a try, and if it doesn’t work out then so be it.” Because it’s easy to get married, but a marriage is too hard to make work if you’re not completely committed. Plus, nobody ever talks about the fact that when you get married you tie your souls together. Pulling them apart is painful. Ask anyone who’s been through it—getting divorced is hard as hell!
Before you agree to marry someone, I think it’s important to check your intentions. If your marriage is to have a fighting chance, just take your time, observe and take inventory of yourself and your mate. Be honest with yourself; the only people who know the spirit of a man are God and the man himself. Think about what you each have to offer the marriage then thoughtfully evaluate whether you can work out your differences—the credit issues, the debt, the family issues, the children, whether this is a thoughtful person. Because when you’re standing at the threshold of marriage, you have to have a made-up mind, not one where you’re waffling or teetering. As the mother of one of my girlfriends says, “You’ll come up against a lot of stuff in life that’s going to work against you. You don’t need to help it along.”
Although I don’t believe in getting divorced, I’ll be the first one to admit that certain behaviors are deal breakers to me—physical, mental and emotional abuse, and drug and alcohol addiction. My mother always told me, “Grown people don’t hit grown people.” If you observe the spirit of anyone who’s been abused, you can see that it’s bad for their spirit. Their self-esteem falls, they scrunch their shoulders, duck their head, walk around on eggshells, become fearful people. That’s not how God intended us to live. Witnessing that behavior is also bad for our children. They either become fearful themselves, or the individual wanting to be in control, or wrongly and tragically believe “That’s just the way relationships go.”
Psychologists say that people who exhibit that kind of abusive behavior are hiding behind it or using it to anesthetize themselves. Either way, it’s not good for you. If they want to help themselves, you can support them to an extent. Love them from a distance—them in rehab and you at home.
Courtney: We Americans will commit to everything except getting married. We’ll go through a process to get on the football team; we’ll endure the discipline of becoming a ballet dancer; we’ll go through the process of becoming a lawyer. But when it comes to getting married, we think, “Whatever….” We don’t even find out what it means to be married. What’s behind it? Why is it a commitment? Who are you committing to?
Being married is different than being boyfriend and girlfriend. You make a promise and commitment to both God and your partner that I believe you should be taken seriously. People get all hung up on having to feel “i
n love” all the time. But marriage is not about love per se; it’s about commitment. That’s how you can promise each other that you’re closing the door behind you and that there is no way out! I couldn’t bear to see the look on Angela’s face if I reneged on my vows or was disloyal to her. I couldn’t stand the pain of trying to explain to her how or why. So I stay focused on the job, the relationship, the promise and the commitment. They carry me through all the tough and lonely times when we’re working or traveling and are away from each other. Of course, in order to make a commitment like marriage and the promise not to get divorced, I suggest that you take the time while you’re dating to make sure the person is really right.
Having said all this I also believe that there’s no excuse for abuse. If your spouse is abusive, try to get him to get some help, but if he refuses, he’s got to go! There’s no excuse. It has to be dealt with at the root. If he won’t get any help, get away! Get away!
Stick with God’s divine order for the family. Place God first; your spouse, second; your children, third; work, fourth; and yourself, fifth.
Angela: If you buy something that you have to assemble yourself, the first thing the instructions suggest is that you check that you have all the pieces. Then there’s a sequence to how to assemble it. If a couple of pieces are missing, you’re in trouble. And if you have all the pieces but don’t follow the right sequence, you can’t be sure it will work right. The same is true for our family priorities. God has an order for the family. If you want a higher position on this priority list, you’re probably better off staying single. Then it will be just God and you.
Friends: A Love Story Page 36
