Courtney: When you get married all your relationships have to shift. Mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, friends all have to step back. The Bible tells us: A man should leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh (Genesis 2:24). That’s the primary relationship in life: the husband and wife. When Angela’s sister Lynn and her husband, Al, sat us down in their living room before we got married, I’ll never forget their advice reminding us of the importance of God’s order. Now that I’m married and a parent, I’m clear that when it’s time to make decisions you’d better know the order. Forgetting that our spouse is second after God is a major source of marital problems. If you don’t know the order and put your children in front of your mate, there are going to be problems in your house. The kids need to know where they stand. I plan to tell our children, “This is Mommy’s time with Daddy. Mommy is the queen, and a queen sits on her throne. So let her have her time with Daddy.” By providing them with the example of how we treat each other, Angela and I will teach our children how they should be treated by their husband or wife. They will see that Daddy treats Mommy specially and that Mommy and Daddy are a “united front” when it comes to discipline. Children need boundaries in all aspects of their life, including in their time with Mommy and Daddy.
Romance and do special things for each other throughout your marriage.
Angela: It’s easy to fall into a pattern of taking care of the children, the house and business ahead of taking care of your spouse. We have to make a priority of taking care of your relationship. Spend time with each other way from your family’s day-to-day hustle and bustle. Do something you both enjoy, like listening to the music you fell in love to, trying out a new restaurant, going for a romantic drive. Even do something that’s special to one of you but that the other person might not enjoy as much but can tolerate, then next time switch. Stepping outside of ourselves is good for us. In a marriage it can’t be all about you—it needs to be all about us! Such tolerance teaches patience, which is required in every union.
Courtney: It’s very important to carve out time for each other, to keep dating, to keep sending flowers, to do the little things. If she gets a promotion, send flowers to the office so everyone sees. If she makes a big presentation at work that goes well, take her on a celebratory date. Spend a weekend at a hotel or bed-and-breakfast. Take time to get away and nurture your relationship. Often we speak of women serving their husbands, but one important way men can do this is by serving their wives. Unfortunately in our society men who serve their wives are often called “weak” or “punks.” I know I’ve had guys tease me and call me weak. Meanwhile, my marriage is growing by leaps and bounds and they’re not married anymore. They don’t realize that Jesus wiped his disciples’ feet. He didn’t say a mumbling word to the people who were beating and spitting on him. Yet He could flick one finger and call down legions of angels to do his bidding. The greatest in the kingdom of heaven is the childlike person with a servant’s spirit!
God does not need a copilot to tell Him what to do. Figure out what He wants you to do in your marriage and “just do it.” That way you have tangible and constructive activities to engage in while God is solving any challenges that face you as a couple.
Angela: Aside from doing “the right thing,” I must admit that from moment to moment I’m not always sure I know exactly what God wants me to do. I do know that He wants me to do things decently and in order, and married relationships have an order to them that is different than when you’re single. When you’re single you’re supposed to put God first then yourself second. But when you’re married, the order changes. Your mate becomes more important than you. Of course, this only works if you’re as important to your mate as he is to you—meaning, he has to place you in second position in his life, as well. When you’re both on the same page like this, you take care of each other before you take care of the outside world. When you’re not on the same page, the relationship gets out of balance and the world gets in the way.
Courtney: The hardest thing is figuring out what to do while God is working out the challenges in your relationship. God does not need you to tell Him what your spouse is and is not doing. It’s important to do Bible study, read Scripture, and do constructive things to anchor you. That way you’re occupied, and not stressing and obsessing over what your spouse is not doing. In fact, don’t focus on what they’re not doing at all; instead, focus on what they are doing. Take the time to find that out. The things that she’s not doing…well, those are none of your concern. That’s for God to work out. It’s out of your lane—you’re in God’s lane. Let Him do His thing with her, and you focus on the things He’s lined up for you to work on. When you do that, it just about handles the whole nagging thing—there’s no time or need for it. While I’m on the subject of women nagging, I look at it like this: Men aren’t just given respect; we have to earn it. Women are not going to respect their husband just because they’re married to them. Men must work for it by serving. Women want to feel secure, and men want to be respected. So how does it start? And who goes first? If you want to be respected as the man, be the leader in asking, “What can I do to help?” Be the leader in saying, “I’m sorry.” When a woman sees that her husband puts her feelings ahead of his ego, the relationship will begin to change.
Pray together for each other and for the health of your relationship. For the family that prays together stays together.
Angela: We live in a world that tells us, “I’ll get mine and you get yours,” and “Take care of yourself first.” Praying for another person means that you care enough about them to go before God on their behalf. When you pray together as a family, you make yourself humble before God and each other. You humble your spirit, your flesh, your carnal desires. Praying for someone else is an act of love and sacrifice. It isn’t important to use the absolute perfect words. What matters is that you pray hard—almost to tears. When you get to that point, you’re really praying. The Bible says, Pray the effectual prayer. Effectual prayers of a righteous man availeth much (James 5:16). And praying with passion takes your mind off of your own selfish needs. Praying for your mate, your children, your country, the world, is a very selfless act. Even though it’s selfless, it ends up helping you in the end because it brings you closer to God and makes you feel grateful. When your mate and children are happy and fulfilled, your home is happy and healthy, and the world is a better place, it also benefits you—in part by taking pressure off of you. I’m guilty of trying to solve my own problems and issues. Truthfully, I’m just not the most capable person for the job. But I know who is….
Courtney: When you pray together as a family, you have to discuss why, what it means and whom you’re praying to. There has to be a family meeting to address why you’re starting prayer, who’s leading the prayer, what you’re saying. And most people don’t start praying and not go to church. A whole host of things go on that go together and build the family, individually and collectively, like eating dinner together, and making time for family activities and trips. All of these things say “I love you” with your actions. The family that prays together stays together in part because they talk.
Advice that pertains to everyone:
Although our relationships take place on the earthly level, by nature we are spiritual beings. When we work on ourselves spiritually, God solves our human problems for us. So seek counsel, especially spiritual counsel, for the challenges you face.
Angela: When I planned to get married, I wanted to be in it for the long haul. However, since my mother’s marriages didn’t last, I didn’t have an example of marital longevity before me. I had been a girl who liked to daydream and a young woman who loved to have flings. But marriages that work are based in reality not in fantasy. When the honeymoon ends, you have to deal with the mundane. Married couples have disagreements and you have to work them out. I wanted to move my fantasy of married life closer to reality. Marriage counseling helped prepare me by giving me
some additional tools. One important thing I learned was that getting married doesn’t mean you turn into clones of one another. You have different backgrounds, different thoughts, different interests, and men and women are different. I had to learn how to deal with this. I had to consider specifically, how is he different from me? How are our processes different? When Courtney wants to go to Las Vegas to see a show, he wants to drive the five hours up there; I want to fly! To him, it’s all about the journey. The car, the driving—that’s the fun part. I’d rather take the thirty-minute flight so we can enjoy more of the destination and be there that much longer. So I have learned to give him some of what he wants, and he gives me some of what I want. I might agree to the drive, but he understands I’m probably not going to stay awake. A long ride is like a sleeping pill to me. So it’s important to have insight into what’s going on. That way you don’t end up in a spiritual tug-of-war. I use the term “spiritual war” because what else could it be? Courtney and I have had some seriously heated spats. And if you trace them to their origin in terms of the words spoken, they are silly! But a tone of voice that was heard or phrase that was misinterpreted led one of us to take offense. Then the ego got riled up and grew till the situation was out of control. Fortunately, we don’t use language that cuts so deeply that when the storm is over we cannot recover and heal.
Courtney: There are some things I want to go through and learn from experientially, and there are some things where I don’t want to have to have the experience of knocking myself upside the head. I don’t want to jump from an airplane and realize, “Man, the parachute don’t work!” I’m gonna do some research and make sure I have the right parachute up front. So when I decided I was ready to get married, I thought “Let me find out what marriage is—and find out what it’s not!” I wanted to narrow the gap between perception and reality. Premarital counseling does that. That’s where you find out stuff like your fiancé doesn’t want to work—and he’s the husband! “What? I thought you were going to be the breadwinner!” A lot of people find that kind of stuff out after they’re married.
Unfortunately, a lot of people don’t want to do any kind of introspective work. It’s too much for them and it takes too long. But many of us are fractured people; we come from fractured environments. Life is all about what we do with our fracturedness. Do we fold our cards and say, “I’m done,” or “I am who I am,” even though it’s not working? Do we curl up into a ball and call it a day? Or do we find our way out into the sun so we can find joy in life? I chose to find my way out of the pain and darkness so I could enjoy the sun!
I think it’s important to seek counsel—but it’s gotta be the right counsel. The Bible tells us that if you don’t have good counsel, it’s not wise to make a move. Dr. Kornfeld started me on the process of looking within, and Dr. Little has been finishing me off and helping me dig deeper into the Bible so I can work with myself. There’s a mathematical formula. In order to build a skyscraper you have to dig a foundation of a certain depth below it. The higher the skyscraper you aspire to build, the deeper you have to go. It’s like an iceberg—two-thirds of it is below the surface. God wants to take us higher in our lives, but to rise up we have to dig deeper.
Especially if in your childhood home you didn’t witness an example of a relationship you’d like to imitate, find a couple that you admire and use them as a relationship mentors or advisers.
Angela: It’s always good to observe things. That’s what an intelligent person does. If you’ve never been married but want to be, it makes sense that when you see a successful marriage you ask them, “What makes it work for you?” Maybe something will resonate or there’s something you can enlist. Before Courtney and I married, I thought it was important for us to be around my sisters and brothers-in-law. Individually they’re magnificent people and two of them also have strong, committed, over thirty-year-long marriages! I wanted us to be in the presence of people who honor and love and care for each other. If you surround yourself with those kinds of people, I think you have a better chance to cultivate that which will nurture you as the unique individual you are and seek to become.
Courtney: If when you were growing up you didn’t witness the kind of relationship you’d like to create for yourself, cultivate relationship mentors. That’s a must; it has to happen. Not everyone had two parents in their life, and even those who do don’t always have godly parents. If your mother or father don’t exhibit the types of characteristics you aspire to have, don’t turn into a victim; find people you can imitate while you still honor your father and mother. Plus, you always have Jesus to use as a model, and He’ll continue to bring godly people into your life. The pastor and first lady of our church, Bishop Charles E. and his wife Mae Blake, are mentors to Angela and me. And whenever we find another godly couple we add them to our short list of godly-couple friends who urge us to continue to grow deeper into our marriage instead of turning away from it when we face challenges. And those are also the kinds of people we want to have around our children.
It’s all about your attitude. Words like please, thank you, you’re welcome, I’m sorry, you’re right, forgive me, all go a long way. The Golden Rule still applies, so treat your partner like you want to be treated.
Angela: It’s very important to cultivate an “attitude of gratitude”—an approach to life that is thankful for all you have. When actors speak of attitude, they’re speaking of the subtext, the language that’s communicated but isn’t spoken. No matter how much you try to pretend, when your attitude is poor it is impossible to conceal. One’s attitude is a reflection of that person’s spirit. Even the best actors can’t hide a bad one. They may have the benefit of the most artistic makeup, amazing scenery, great lighting and a fantastic score signaling the mood—love, danger, sadness—to the audience, but even with all of these props to support them, the best thespians in the world can’t “fake the funk.” The audience always knows—they can always sense—when the actor isn’t genuine and sincere.
In any type of relationship, the people around you—especially your mate—will either see or sense your true attitude in your tone of voice, your body language or actions. That’s why it’s important that when you speak your words and your tone match up. You can’t call someone “sweetheart” and conceal your bad attitude. The two are antithetical. Using a loving word with a critical tone is a sure way to get on my nerves. To me, it’s like the person doesn’t want to cop to what they’re really feeling so tries to fool me instead. I wonder, “What? Do you think I’m an idiot?” When you cultivate a positive attitude and find that place within yourself that is genuinely happy and grateful—for your life, for your family, for your mate, for your children—it’s easy to match loving words with a loving tone. In life, since you don’t have the wonderful score to lift you, the tone of your voice must be the music.
Courtney: As husbands, our job is to just to love our wives. All we need to do is ask her to tell us how to be the man she wants us to be. That takes strength; it takes a strong man to put his needs aside and just focus on his wife. Yes, we men have needs, but if we take care of our wives first, God will take care of us. And as we’re gentle and patient and kind with her, she’ll become secure within that love and give us the love and respect we need. My wife honors and respects me because she knows I love her. The kindness, admiration, loving looks I get from her—they all come because she knows that. And anytime she asks me anything, I’m going to say yes because she always approaches me in the right way.
God cannot operate in an atmosphere of unforgiveness. When there is an impasse, someone has to apologize so God can enter into the situation and heal it. The relationship is worth whatever “mud” we get on our faces when we humble ourselves and ask forgiveness.
Angela: Forgiveness can be especially hard because nobody wants to be thought the fool. But it is absolutely necessary if you’re going to grow. Being unforgiving can stagnate your relationship and personal growth. To refuse to seek or give forgiveness i
s a sign that you’re selfish, that it’s “all about you.”
I think forgiveness makes more room in your heart for love. To admit that you’re wrong and ask for forgiveness is a sign of utmost strength and intelligence, especially in a woman’s eye. To be able to take an honest inventory of yourself is a measure of your maturity. To know where you’re shortsighted then grow from it takes character.
You can certainly melt a glacier with the words “please forgive me” spoken sincerely or a heartfelt “I’m sorry.” Even saying, “I might be wrong” has calmed many a stormy sea in my life. Even in times when I knew I was not wrong, there have been times when I could give that to the person. Because forgiveness is hard. Many times we want to ask for forgiveness, but it’s hard to go first. So why not be a trailblazer and apologize first? When you make that effort, the other person sees your intent. There have been many times when either Courtney or I apologized for something we didn’t really do. It creates a different kind of dialogue: “You can’t apologize for that; I was wrong, babe!” or “You weren’t wrong; I was!” And that kind of conversation really melts your heart.
Courtney: Men say that they want to lead their family, to be the “head of the household.” Yet many times they’re not willing to take the lead in saying “I’m sorry” and asking for forgiveness. Somebody has to go first in admitting that they’ve made a mistake. If as the man you want to be the leader of your household, be the man in leading by saying you’re sorry first. As leader, that’s the man’s responsibility. Once the man admits he’s wrong, then God can come in and heal the situation by touching the woman’s heart to be open and hear him so that things can be gentle, not bitter. I don’t like it when my wife is upset with me. When she is, I know I’m going to find out what it is, so we can get back to peaceful communication. So I can apologize, and she can get that look off her face and get back to telling me what I need to do!
Friends: A Love Story Page 37
