He did tell me that he was always cautious about girls. Now, he doesn’t know me. So I fell into the general category of women who just might like Ryder Van Woodsen for what he is and not for who he is inside.
Quite ironic actually. He accuses me of the very things that kept me from taking a chance on him. He worked so hard to turn me around. To convince me that he was so much different from Kevin Moore. I took a chance on him, and here I am now. Accused of being a gold-digging slut by the man I trusted not to hurt me.
I guess not giving up sometimes means you only need to wait. I decided not to pressure Ryder anymore. I cannot break my heart over and over again because I know it isn’t going to work. He could wake up or change his opinion of me. And right now, he’s not even close to doing either.
I’m going to prove to him that I’m not the woman he thought I was. As a start, I have his check on hand. Adam wired the money I needed to my account. It will be a tough following months. But at least, now I can say that I fully own ‘Ever After’, my baby, my company.
I told Adam that I will not invoke the severance clause in my contract with Ryder. I will not take a dime from Ryder Van Woodsen. That is exactly what he expects of me, and I am going to prove him wrong.
But the changes meant I would have to transfer to a smaller place to save on rent. It also meant I will have to work double time, lose a couple hours of sleep and multi-task, as I cannot afford to hire extra hand just yet.
I can do this. I’m a rock.
It took me a while to notice that the cab has stopped in front of Ryder’s house already. I paid the driver and then stepped out.
I took a couple of short breaths and then I rang the bell.
He opened the door. The familiarity of the house, and the person in front of me made me want to break down and cry. It reminded me of the things that used to be mine and the dreams that came shattering to the ground. Never mind the house. But the man in front of me… he was the one thing I wasn’t ready to let go of.
He looked the same. God, he even smells the same! But he’s not the same man who rescued me months ago. He’s not my knight in shining armor.
Before he left he told me that he wanted me to stay in his apartment. He asked me to take his car. It was his way of protecting me even though he wasn’t physically with me.
I slept in his house for months. Every day, always hoping, always praying that one day, he would walk into that door and pull me into his arms, and tell me that everything was back to the way it was. That he remembers me. And that he loves me the same way.
But now, he’s back in the city. The first thing he did was pull the plug on the business. And now, he was kicking me out of his apartment. Well, I didn’t officially live here. But the man I loved told me I should stay, until he comes back for me. But I guess he’s never coming back.
“Come in.” Ryder said politely.
I just nodded and stepped inside the house.
“Can I offer you something to drink?” He asked me.
I looked into his eyes, trying to assess whether he means it. He was usually rude and brutal towards me. I don’t understand why he was making an effort to be nice to me now. Unless, the drink he is offering me is poisoned. But even if it was, what have I got to lose, right?
“Okay.” I replied curtly.
He opened his fridge. He stared at it for a while, obviously still lost and my heart just breaks for him. If only, he will allow me to help him find his way back…
“Second shelf. Watermelon Vodka.” I said quietly. I still kept stocking his fridge up until last week. He told me once that it was one of the sweetest things anyone has done for him.
He took the vodka out of the fridge and rummaged through his drawer to look for a bottle opener.
“First drawer, left side.” I murmured.
He smiled when he found it. “You seem to know your way around the house.” He said.
I stared at him, trying to decipher if that comment was a trap that would be followed by another insult if I fall for it.
But I was surprised to see that he has a twinkle in his eye. For the first time in months, I see an improvement in him. Before, he looked like a walking time bomb. Ready to explode anytime. Bottling up his anger and his confusion. His pride prevents him from admitting that he feels lost, confused, and not in control.
“Well, I lived here for a while.” I murmured.
He stepped closer to me. My heart pounded in my chest. He stood so close, we were almost touching. He looked down at me, searching my face. I looked away, blushing, then I stepped back, putting some distance between us.
When I looked at him again, he was biting his lip, doubtless that he was trying his best not to laugh or even smile.
He handed me my bottle. “Would you like to join me in the deck?”
“Seriously?” I asked him. “Whatever happened to ‘never gonna be ready to see me?’”
He shrugged. “Maybe I’m just bored.”
I shook my head. “No, Ryder. You’re never just bored.” Everything you do has a purpose. But I didn’t say that aloud. I sighed. “Are you going to turn off the asshole mode?”
“Asshole mode?” He echoed, blinking back at me. Then he laughed. I knew that laugh was real. He stared at me and saw that I wasn’t laughing at all. “Seriously?” He asked.
I nodded.
“Alright.” He said, raising his right hand, swearing like a boy scout. “Asshole mode—off.”
He led me to his deck. For a while, we sat in silence, just listening to the sound of the waves, staring at the tower lights in the distance.
Then he asked. “How long ago did we meet?”
I sighed. This is difficult. These beautiful memories kill me as I recall them. But if this is a way for Ryder to remember me in his life, then I could endure the pain.
“About eleven months before… before your accident.” I replied.
“And we only got together officially a couple of days before I got hit?”
I nodded.
“What were we in between?”
I smiled bitterly. “We were… friends, Ryder.” I said. “And you were one of the best.” I couldn’t disguise the tears in my voice.
He fell quiet after that.
Then he asked, “Why did it take so long for us to be… together?”
“Me.” I replied. “I wasn’t ready. I was broken. You fixed me. And then… I found out who you were.”
“What do you mean?”
I sighed. “When I met you, you pretended to be a bartender. We hit it off immediately. You agreed to help pose as my boyfriend at my ex-fiance’s wedding. You covered up all the broken holes in me. You saved my face and my pride in front of my family.
“I made you a promise. That I would be better, that I would believe in fairy tale romances again. I would fix myself. And I would find you when I’m ready. I was excited to look for you again, actually. But I found out that you were not just a mere bartender. You lied to me. I found out who you really were. And I didn’t want you anymore.”
“Why?”
I sighed. “Because… I’ve never been interested in rich jocks in my life. Even when I was younger, I wasn’t looking for some dreamboat who was out of my league. I wanted someone who I could be secure with… somebody who wouldn’t look down at me, somebody who would believe in me.” I stared at him and added. “I didn’t want anybody to accuse me that I was in it for the money. You… did all you could to change my mind.”
He stared back at me. I saw an emotion cross his face. Guilt? Shame? I don’t know. He took a gulp of his beer and turned away from me. He fell silent for a while. I don’t know if he remembers a thing and if I was making sense to him.
I took out the check from my wallet and handed it to him. He stared at the figure in his hand.
“I am not going to ask you to pay me two years of my salary. I would always owe you for helping me get up on my feet and start this dream.” I reached out for his hand and squeezed it.
/> He closed his eyes for a moment. Then he stared at me. His eyes were wildly confused. His face was filled with a dark emotion I could not decipher. Immediately, I took my hand away. Afraid that I will trigger something in him that would further ruin the stained image of me in his head.
“Astrid… I’m…” He started then he trailed off. He took a deep breath. “What happens to you now? What will happen to the company?”
I looked at the watch tower from the distance. “I will still run it. I have to make a few adjustments. But I know I can do it. This is what I do best.” I replied. “I cannot shut down. I’ve gotten this far. There are couples out there depending on me to make their ‘ever afters’ come true. I won’t let them down.”
There was silence again. I miss Ryder and me. We were two people who wouldn’t run out of things to talk about. But I guess, it wasn’t time yet. I have to tread carefully. Walking time bomb, remember?
I finally looked at my watch. “I better go.” I said. “It’s getting late.”
In truth, I just want to get away from Ryder now. It was so difficult for me to be in the same room as him and not touch him. It was difficult for me to see him look at me and not remember me at all.
I took my bottle inside to throw it in the bin, leaving Ryder on the deck. I paused for a moment and composed myself. I let some of the tears fall. It was difficult to hold it in. It was difficult to reminisce my wonderful memories of Ryder, knowing that he doesn’t remember any of it at all.
When I face him again, I would have to say goodbye. And who knows how long this goodbye would last? I may never set foot in this house again. This house that held too many memories between Ryder and me.
I know I told myself that I will not give up on him. But it doesn’t mean that I will go around town chasing him. I won’t do that. It would only push him away. He doesn’t need that now. He needs time to heal from this.
I leaned on the counter and took short breaths, trying my damn best not to break down. But it was just too hard. So I let the tears fall, silently. I didn’t whimper. I don’t want to make a sound and let Ryder hear it.
Then I wiped my tears with a tissue. Trying so hard to compose myself before I bid my goodbye to him.
When I turned around, I found myself face to face with Ryder. He was just behind me all the time, standing a few feet away. He’s been watching me cry.
He looked down at me, his eyes searching mine. I am sure he saw the tears I was trying so hard to conceal. His expression softened. And then I saw a flicker of another emotion on his face. An expression dark and yet familiar…
“Damn it!” I heard him curse and without warning, he wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me to his chest and then he leaned down, crushing lips to mine.
Cha
pter Thirty
TULLE:
A kind of textile that is lightweight and has very fine netting, usually used for veils.
Ryder.
I was dreaming for sure. Because I haven’t felt like this before. Like I was in a trance, and I don’t ever want to wake up. I felt the surge of emotions sweep through me in tides that I cannot control. I gave up fighting. I gave in.
I crushed her into my arms and kissed her the way I have been wanting to kiss her the first time I laid eyes on her at the hospital. The way I always wanted to kiss her whenever I look at her.
I know I shouldn’t let my guard down. But there is something about this woman that draws me in, and drowns me.
The minute she walked into the house, her scent captured my senses. If I close my eyes, I could swear that I know that scent well. But when I look at her, I couldn’t place her.
I listened to her sweet voice and I could almost say it was familiar. But I don’t remember a thing. I still do not remember her.
Astrid confuses me in many ways. Maybe that is why I was not ready for her yet. Everything was in place. I am okay. I am stable even with this stupid cloud in my brain. But when she’s around, she throws me out of balance.
Like… my mind tells me one thing, but something else inside me is fighting for her.
When she touched me a while ago, I felt my nerves jump. I felt her skin against mine and it is comfortably familiar. But I don’t know her. And I don’t trust what I do not know.
She melted in my kisses. I tasted salt on her lips and I knew she couldn’t stop crying anymore. And for the life of me, I wanted to make her tears stop! Something about her makes me want to protect her… always.
I carried her to my bed. I told myself to be careful, but I just didn’t care anymore. I gave in to my desires. God, I wanted her with every fiber of my soul. I have never felt like this before. Usually, I’m attracted to a woman physically. No emotions involved. And it had never been this strong, it made me abandon sense and reason.
I made love to her. No, this was not sex. This was not just lust. This was something else. Something I cannot place.
I couldn’t get enough of her. It was like I have been so thirsty for a long time and now I find myself drinking on her, getting intoxicated by her.
She was like a drug I didn’t know I craved. Something I needed, and wanted without me knowing it.
When I made love to her, it was like… feeling lost for a very long time, and then finally finding my way back home. It was comforting, satisfying, exciting, confusing and scary all at once. And I don’t want it to ever end.
She screamed my name when she reached her peak, and it was the loveliest sound I have ever heard in my life. Familiar and strange at the same time.
It was like a sweet episode of déjà vu that I do not understand. It felt like the first time for me, and yet I also felt like I have done this a dozen times before.
And when we were done, I gathered her in my arms and held her tightly, breathing in the scent of her, understanding for the first time in months, what my sister, my mother and my friends have been telling me since I woke up at the hospital.
I was head over heels in love with this woman.
I heard her quiet breathing in the darkness and I smiled to myself. I kissed her bare shoulder and held her against me tightly.
My consciousness does not remember her. I don’t recall what I see. But her scent was all too familiar, the feel of her in my arms felt like something I would die to go home to everyday.
I don’t remember her yet. But I know I am going to. And even if I don’t, how can I forget this night? The feel of her in my arms, the magic of this lovemaking will haunt my dreams, even my waking hours.
Maybe she really is a witch. And she’s got me under her spell—again! And unlike the time I found out about her when I woke up in the hospital, I was not mad at all.
Tomorrow…
Tomorrow, things would be different for her. Tomorrow, she will not hurt because of me anymore. And for the first time in months, I felt the lightness in my chest.
I hugged her to me tightly. I fell asleep with her skin keeping me warm, and her scent intoxicating me.
When I woke up, my arms immediately reached out for her, to gather her against my chest and hug her, as if it was second nature for me to do that. But all I felt is the cold sheet and the empty space she left.
I opened my eyes and found her gone. I felt a deep sense of loss. Far worse than when the doctor told me I lost a year of my memories.
***
I don’t know how long I lied down on the bed, just staring at the ceiling. Trying to get the image of Astrid, as well as her scent and the feel of her skin out of my head.
What’s worse, I was trying my damn best not to feel this… black hole inside my chest. This is new to me. I don’t know why I feel like this, but damn! I hate it.
I wondered if Astrid feels like this now. Maybe even worse. And I wonder how she hasn’t brought herself to hate me yet. I would hate me if I made me feel like this!
I stood up from the bed and put on a pair of pajama pants. I stared at the bed we laid in last night. Images of the passion we shared flashed through my mind. I
remembered her scent again, her warmth, the way she screamed my name…
When I came down, I found that she has taken her box along with everything of hers that was ever in this house. Then her check was on top of the table, along with my house keys and car keys.
I felt a stab of pain in my heart again. Something I cannot name makes me want to cry. Shit! I’m becoming a girl!
She returned my money in full. The whole nine yards. And that made me feel sad again, as if I just severed another connection with her. Now more than ever, I felt that pulling the plug on her was a bad idea. It was a wrong decision. Janis was right. I would regret what I did.
Knight in Shining Suit: Get Up. Get Even. Get a better man. Page 40
