She didn’t even take the severance pay that was stated in my contract with her. It was not a small amount. Most women would be happy to jump at that opportunity. But Astrid… didn’t invoke it even though she will win in every court she brings that paper to.
Instead, I remembered how she squeezed my hand last night, and told me that she already owes me for helping her up on her feet. And that was enough for her.
I made myself a cup of coffee and sat on my deck. I remembered how she looked like last night. Sitting beside me, her hair being blown by the soft breeze, her scent filling my senses.
I just couldn’t get her out of my mind!
I was not usually like this. Even after I have slept with a woman, I do not remember every single detail that happened the previous night. And her scent does not remain in my memory in the morning. Moreover, when I find her gone from my bed, I would be more than happy. I never feel like this. Lost… yearning… confused.
Just when I promised myself that I would treat Astrid differently starting this morning, she was gone.
I promised I would forever turn off the ‘asshole mode’ as she would like to put it. Thinking about that word brought a smile on my face again. She has a sense of humor in spite of what I put her through.
I stared at the beach in front of me. I thought about everything that happened the previous night again. Every single detail is vivid in my memory. The woman… her scent… the touch of her skin… the sound of scream… Damn! I need a cold shower again!
After showering and changing into a pair of linen pants and white button shirt, I opened the vault that I kept in the house, just curious what I will find inside. After all, I lost one year worth of my memories. I don’t remember the password. Luckily, I had fingerprint identification as a backup. The vault opened for me.
I found some papers for Oil Rig and Rig Style. Contracts and investment data. I found about four different expensive watches. A couple of diamond ear studs.
I found the copy of the contract I signed with Adam Ackers for Astrid’s company. He was right, I signed it, flawlessly. The strokes of the signature didn’t show signs that I had a gun on my head, or I was high on something.
Then I found a small black box that says ‘Harry Winston’.
My heart hammered in my chest as I opened it. Why do I have a Harry Winston ring?
It was a beautiful diamond ring, at least two carats, surrounded by smaller diamond pieces, set on a platinum band.
I brought my fingers to it. A flash came through my head.
I walked inside the jewelry shop and something bumped into me. Before I can even look down, I felt arms wrap around my waist and I found a sobbing woman in my arms. She hugged me. As if I was the only thing she needed to ease her pain. And she doesn’t even know me, didn’t even see what I looked like.
Warmth filled through me. She smells of strawberries. She felt like fine velvet in my arms.
Then she looked up at me and I found a face of an angel. She was so beautiful, my breath caught in my throat. It took a moment for me to compose myself and ask her if she was fine. She apologized and then walked away.
Even when she was gone, her memory lingered. It was the first time in my life somebody needed me… without even knowing who I was.
I took a deep breath. It’s not my imagination. That was my first memory of Astrid, coming back to me, bringing with it unfamiliar emotions I could not understand.
I stared at the ring again. Somehow, I remembered the girl who hired me to pose as her fake boyfriend and rent a diamond ring to give to her by the end of the night. She wanted to get back at her ex-fiancé for giving her a fake diamond ring. She wasn’t just in it to get even. She was going for the kill.
I can’t believe her ex proposed with a fake ring. What a loser! And my heart went out to Astrid. She was so trusting, she didn’t realize that the ring that was given to her didn’t hold any value. She didn’t care. She was getting married to the guy and she was happy. She didn’t look much on the ring to notice it wasn’t really a diamond. Some women would have their rings appraised immediately after it was put on their fingers. But Astrid was different. She didn’t care. And she happily planned her wedding.
So I thought I give her a real ring. I saw that ring on the shop and I immediately thought that it belonged to her, that she deserved it.
But she returned it to me. A thirty thousand ring and she wants nothing to do with it.
“You’re not going to trick me into wearing this ring.” She said. “You know I will be returning the ring before I go.”
“I’ll find a reason soon enough. And after that, who knows? You won’t be taking that ring off your finger ever.” I said.
I squeezed the skin between my eyes, trying not to get overwhelmed by the memories that are slowly flooding through me.
I guess I was really wrong about her. Like what my mother, my sister and my friends were saying to me. I was very wrong about Astrid. I immediately assumed she was like my father’s wives. Gold-diggers.
Damn! I called her a mercenary! She must have wanted to whack me in the head when I said that. Well, I wanted to whack myself in the head now that these pieces of my memories of her are slowly coming back to me.
I tried to think harder, trying to see if some more memories have been unlocked. When there was nothing, I checked the vault again. Searching for more clues that will help me get closer to waking up from this nightmare.
I found some pictures in the vault too. I am guessing these came from Janis. Once in a while, she would send us snapshots of our moments together.
One picture was of me with Astrid, Jake and Janis. I was holding Astrid in my arms and we were both laughing. I looked at myself in the picture. I looked… really happy.
I flipped the picture over and there was a caption at the back.
Keep dreaming! I looked at it closely. It was my handwriting. Why would I write something like that?
I found the manual of my house alarm. I have scribbled the password at the back page. 278743. That didn’t ring a bell at all and I wondered where I got the number from.
Then my eyes drifted to the touchtone phone. I looked at the buttons. 2-7-8-7-4-3. A-S-T-R-I-D.
Even my password is her name? I must have been really in love with this woman.
I took a deep breath. Maybe she’s not the one who needed something from me, like what I accused her of. I was the one who wanted her in my life. Like what my best friends were saying to me. She didn’t want anything. She only wanted me.
Shit! What have I done?
And even though I only have fragments of my memories back, I cannot help feeling remorse for what I did to Astrid. I treated her like shit. I insulted her more than once. I wanted her to give up on me.
Even now, when my mind is telling me to stay away, my heart feels like it’s breaking into a million pieces. There was something missing in my life, and I feel like dying. I didn’t know that I needed her… until last night.
I dialed Jake’s number.
“Ryder.”
“You’ve been holding off information about Astrid… because you know I didn’t want to hear it.” I told him. “I’m listening now.”
“Why do you care?” Jake asked.
I heaved a frustrated sigh.
“I don’t know, man. I never felt like this before.”
Jake let out a humorless laugh. “Funny, that was the same thing you said to me when Astrid found out you were the investor in her business. You told me how you cheated me and Janis on our bet. The whole charade you put up with her and how that was the only way you thought you would be able to get her to fall in love with you. Because she doesn’t want anything to do with Ryder Van Woodsen.
“Had you been Ryder Woodson, the bartender, you two would have been moving in together by then. But since she found out who you were, she didn’t want you more than a friend. Said you were too complicated for her.
“Man, you were in trouble. You were so crazy about her. And
you hated the fact that she doesn’t like you because you were rich. You got your wish. A woman who would love you for you. Not because you were Ryder Van Woodsen. You can’t change who you are. But you still want her. So much you would have renounced all your wealth if that was given to you as an option.
“She wanted to be equals. She doesn’t want to be called a gold-digger. She was afraid that she would be judged. She didn’t want that. But you wanted her to take that chance. Because you would never let anyone hurt her. You would protect her.”
I sighed in remorse. “And the person I didn’t protect her from… was myself. You guys were crazy about her. You accepted her. Defended her. I was the only one who judged her, scrutinized her, doubted her. I deliberately insulted her.” I was silent for a long while. Then I said, mostly to myself. “I don’t know her that much. I can’t be in love with her…”
“Ryder…”
“But damn, why do I feel so… heartbroken right now?”
“Because it’s your brain that got messed up, man.” Jake said. “Not your heart. And your heart… knows her.”
I closed my eyes, taking deep breaths one at a time. It was all I could do to keep myself from screaming, or throwing the phone across the room. “How bad was I?”
“Before the accident? Very bad!” Jake replied. “Man, you wanted to renounce your claims to your family’s wealth. You hated being you, being the Ryder Van Woodsen. Because she doesn’t want anything to do with you. The only thing that prevented her from accepting you is the fact that you were too rich for her.”
“And when she thought she could trust me, the first thing I said to her in the hospital was… I thought she was a mercenary.” I said sadly.
“Yep. You’ve screwed up, man.” Jake said apologetically.
“I have to fix this.” I said. And I knew I meant that.
“Why? Do you have your memories back?” He asked.
“No. At least not all of them.” I replied. “But I know someday I will. And I don’t want to wake up that day thinking I made the biggest mistake of my life. If you say that I would have risked my whole fortune just to be with her… and I feel like shit now even without completely remembering her… I must have really loved her. And I want her to still be there when I finally wake up from this nightmare.”
“Good luck, man.” Jake said. “You’re going to do need it. Astrid is a hell of a girl.”
“She must be… for me to go nuts about her.” I said. “She must have been really worth it.”
I hung up. I went to my room to change my clothes and then I quickly gathered my car keys.
It’s going to be difficult, but I know what I needed to do. I will run after Astrid, no matter what it takes. I would make up for every single thing I said and did to her since I woke up in the hospital.
And for the first time in months, I prayed that she has not yet given up on me.
Chapter Thirty-One
SOMETHING NEW:
Brides are supposed to wear something—anything—new during the wedding ceremony. It can be as small as a trinket, a jewelry, even undergarment, or the gown itself.
Astrid.
I met up with my friends at Starbucks.
“So, because Ryder forgot about you, we all have to be sober now?” Dannie asked. I know what he meant. Since Ryder forgot about me, I have been stirring clear of Oil Rig and Rig Style. It was too painful for me to go there. The sweetest guy I’ve known didn’t want anything to do with me and looked down at me as if I was the biggest gold-digging slut in the face of the earth.
“No, Dannie. No one is preventing you from getting drunk out of your wits. As long as you don’t do it with me and in any of Ryder’s bars.” I said.
“But those are my favorites!” He complained.
“Oh I feel so sorry for you!” I said, a little irritated. “My problems are nothing compared to yours!”
That shut him up. He smiled at me apologetically. “You’re right.” He said. “I’m sorry.”
“So, still no development?” Nicole asked.
I shrugged.
How do I tell them that, No, Ryder still has not remembered even an inch of me, and he still has not changed his opinion about me being after his money. But hey, he made it clear though, that he wanted me and can’t get his hands off me in bed!
That was a slip. I thought about last night and felt confused more than ever. I was happy that at least he is still attracted to me. But I know there was no love in that department. He touched me last night because he wanted me. He wanted my body. I was a woman he wanted to warm his bed. He didn’t touch me because I was his Astrid and that he loved me with all his being.
Last night, I didn’t make love to Ryder Van Woodsen, the guy who would go to hell and back for me. I had sex with a guy who looked a lot like the man I love… the man who went to a place where I cannot reach him.
Right from when his arms snaked around my waist and he crushed his lips into mine, I knew it was a mistake. I didn’t know this man. He didn’t know me. He wanted my body. I wanted a piece of the man I have been aching for for too many nights.
I told myself I will not give up on him. But I was only human. It was painful to be near him and yet I know it wasn’t really him. He looks at me with wanton lust and all I wanted was the man who looked at me with so much love and tenderness. They look the same, but I know they aren’t.
“I… returned Ryder’s investment.” I said.
“Oh my, you’re shutting down?” Dannie asked.
I shook my head.
“Wow!” John breathed. “At least now, you won’t owe him anything. He won’t think that you’re just using him for his money.”
I didn’t have the heart to tell them that Ryder was the one who pulled out his investment. That my choices were to either shut down or pay up.
I kept telling myself that Ryder is not fully aware of his actions and everything that comes out of his mouth is based on the fact that he doesn’t know me at all. He is disturbed and confused with my existence in his life.
But I know not everybody can be forgiving. And if Ryder comes back to me again, I don’t want my friends or my family to hate him.
Speaking of my family, I haven’t even had the courage to tell them that Ryder has forgotten about me. Whenever they call and ask about him, I tell them that he’s out of the country, somewhere in Europe.
My phone rang. It was Rose, my assistant.
“Astrid, Mr… Mr. Van Woodsen is here.” She said in a whisper. “He’s looking for you.”
My breath caught in my throat. What does he want now?
Did he think that just because I slept with him last night, it is going to be a regular occurrence between us now?
Oh no! He’s dead wrong!
Okay, I slipped. I was weak for a night. But that does not mean I’m easy.
I want my Ryder. Not this asshole who thinks all women are trying to get into his pants to get into his pockets.
In a way, I felt like cheating. I should not have gone to bed with him. I have only been with one man in my entire life. And he loved me. Even that first night he touched me, I meant more to him than just a woman he wanted to warm his bed.
The last time I was in Manhattan, Ryder was having a date with Alizia. Of course. He doesn’t remember me. But he’s known Alizia for more than a year. It’s no surprise if he tries to be with her. And if he is, God! What have I done? I should not have slept with him! If he’s seeing Alizia, then he’s cheated on her with me. Well, if he is with Alizia, technically he’s cheated on me with her!
God, it’s so unfair! I cannot even blame him if he tries to sleep with Alizia. How can you accuse a man of cheating if he doesn’t even know you were his girlfriend in the first place?
“I would never touch Alizia.” He said. “Because I would never cheat on you.” My heart breaks at the memory. But the man who promised me that was gone now. In his place is a man who looks exactly like him, but does not feel an inch of affection for me. The ma
n who would go to hell and back for me… is gone. I don’t know when he’s coming back. And all the waiting is killing me.
“Tell him you don’t know where I am.” I said.
“Huh?” My assistant asked, obviously confused. Usually, I would jump at the chance to see Ryder. Now, I’m running away from him.
Yes, I still have not given up on him. But that doesn’t mean I am ready to face him already after sharing a night of insane passion with him.
Knight in Shining Suit: Get Up. Get Even. Get a better man. Page 41
