Bobbie Mendoza Saves the World (Again)

by Michael Fry

  There’s nothing I can do. The tentacles squeeze tighter and tighter. My field of vision grows narrower and narrower. I take one last gasp and . . .

  I caught my breath and swallowed hard. “Yeah. A nightmare. And Cole was in it too.”

  I looked around. “Cole! We left him behind! He’s still on Nightmare Island!”

  “We’ll get him back,” said Uncle Dale. “Don’t worry.”

  But I was worried. This dream felt even more real than the last one. What was wrong with me?

  And Cole! He’d sacrificed himself for me!

  “We have to go back. We have to rescue Cole!” I shouted.

  Phil tried to calm me down. “Easy, Bobbie. We all want to do that, but before we can rescue Cole we have to get out of this cell.”

  “Cell?” I said.

  That’s when I first noticed we were in a jail cell.

  “What’s going on?! Where are we?” I asked.

  “No idea,” said Phil. “Loraine dumped us in here.”

  “She is rather perturbed with us,” said Gumdrop.

  “I don’t know why,” said Uncle Dale. “It’s all Grumpus’s fault. His portal machine sent us to the wrong spot.”

  Or did it?

  “No. I think Grumpus sent us there on purpose,” I said.

  “Why would he do that?” asked Uncle Dale.

  “I don’t know,” I said. “But those Nightmare Island freaks were sure hot to get their hands on me. Like, how did they knew who I was?”

  “You think Grumpus set this whole thing up?” asked Phil.

  “Again. Why?” asked Uncle Dale.

  I didn’t know. But I was sure going to find out. Just as soon as we got out of this locked cell and figured out where we were and how to get to where we needed to be and what we were going to do when we got there.

  That’s a lot of unknown unknowns. I don’t know about you, but when I face a lot of unknown unknowns I start to freak out. I start to hyperventilate.

  I start to panic.

  Uncle Dale looked me square in the eye. “Everything is going to be okay.”

  I breathed. Sometimes Uncle Dale can be convincing. And as silly as it sounded, at that moment I really just needed for someone to tell me everything was going to be okay.

  “Trial?” I asked.

  “Is it me?” Uncle Dale whispered. “Or did Loraine change her hair?”

  No one said anything.

  “Maybe it’s just me,” said Uncle Dale.

  Chapter 30

  With our hands bound, Loraine marched us down a long, dimly lit hallway. What did she mean it was time to stand trial? Were we going to a courtroom with a judge and a jury? I hoped it wouldn’t be like that terrible TV show that Uncle Dale likes to watch at two in the morning . . .

  We boarded an elevator and Loraine pressed the button for the ground floor.

  “Where are you taking us?” I asked.

  “Quiet!” she grumbled.

  The elevator was shiny and gold plated, full of mirrors, and near the buttons there were dozens of bizarre-looking advertisements.

  Great. What crazy part of the Trans-Dimensional World were we in now? Were the elevator doors going to open to a litter of lava-drooling gerbils?! Or perhaps a school full of prepubescent wizards riding around on old mops?

  “Please, Loraine, we think something fishy is going on with Grumpus,” Uncle Dale pleaded.

  “Yeah!” I added. “Cole is trapped on Nightmare Island and we need to go rescue him!”

  “Save it for the tribunal,” she said.

  Tribunal??? What in the heck is a tribunal?!

  The doors to the elevator opened and we were met with a very strange, yet somewhat normal sight.

  “Wait a minute . . . where are we?” I whispered to Gumdrop.

  “Oh dear . . . it would appear as though we’re being taken to the monthly meeting spot of the Security Council of United Dimensions,” he said.

  “Which is located in . . . ?”

  “The one place in the whole world where humans and Trans-Dimensional Beings can share the same space without one noticing the other,” Phil said.

  Gumdrop pointed out a window. “Vegas, baby!”

  “Vegas?” I gasped.

  “Hurry now!” said Loraine. “They’re waiting for you.”

  Chapter 31

  What I witnessed walking into conference room 4B in the Bellagio hotel in Las Vegas was perhaps the strangest sight I’d ever seen in the real world since I watched my dad try yoga for the first time.

  Seated at a long, elevated table were what I guessed to be all the representatives of SCUD. It was either that or the Trans-Dimensional All-Freak Volleyball Team.

  From the far left we had . . . a pumped-up Easter Hare (not a bunny ANYMORE), some guy with weird hair and sunglasses they referred to as the King, Cyril the Nearsighted Cyclops, Nessie the Loch Ness Creature (monster is no longer politically correct), Vlad the Vegan Vampire (only drinks the blood of Vegans), Abraham Lincoln (don’t ask), some sort of alien named Xalkathuru (pronounced Richard), and a very normal-looking woman with glasses named Karen. She spoke first.

  “We’re the representatives of the Security Council of United Dimensions—an organization designed to safeguard and protect the boundaries between the human world and the Trans-Dimensional World. We hereby recognize Loraine the Bounty Hunter—and an enforcer of the NICE List—Loraine, you have the floor.”

  Loraine cleared her throat. “Thank you, Karen of Fresno. And thank you, all distinguished members of this council.”

  “Karen of Fresno?” I said out loud.

  “Silence!” shouted Loraine. “Now, this council created the NICE List to protect both sides of the boundary from Inter-Dimensional Invaders.”

  They all nodded together in agreement as Loraine continued, “That is why I have brought to you these ‘boundary hoppers.’ Defendants one and two, Philip K. Sugarloaf and Gumdrop Q. Schmelzer, did willingly cross the boundary in an attempt to lure defendants three and four, Bobbie and Dale Mendoza, to the Trans-Dimensional side.”

  “I’d like to add that I didn’t really want to go in the first place!” I shouted out.

  “Zip it!” growled Loraine. “Now, in the initial boundary breach, defendants one and two allowed an entire herd of unicorns and one fun-sized unicorn into a human middle school.”

  There was an audible gasp followed by a hushed whispering among members of the tribunal.

  “Thankfully, yours truly captured them and stored them alongside several other nefarious creatures inside my Shrinkifier Medallion for safekeeping,” boasted Loraine.

  Loraine went on, “On the Imaginary side of the boundary, all four defendants did willingly attempt to evade capture and in so doing endangered the sanctity of the Trans-Dimensional Barrier as well as the lives and sanity of all creatures on both sides.”

  “Is this true?” asked the Easter Hare.

  “Therefore,” she went on, “I recommend the council votes unanimously to wipe all Trans-Dimensional memories from the minds of the two humans.”

  Wipe our memories?!

  “And for the elves, an immediate sentence to a life of cleaning toilets at the Sasquatch train terminal of the Bermuda Triangle,” said Loraine.

  “Hold on,” I shouted. “A memory wipe? So Uncle Dale and I would have our memory wiped clean of this whole thing?”

  “Yes,” said Loraine. “As well as your memory of saving Christmas and all of Dale’s past adventures as well.”

  “So I can go back to being normal?” I asked.

  “Bobbie, don’t do it,” said Uncle Dale.

  But I’d heard enough. “Wipe my memory now. I agree. Do it, Loraine.”

  Uncle Dale looked disappointed. Phil and Gumdrop huddled together in shock as Loraine pulled out a thick metallic rod with a glowing orb on the edge.

  “Does the council authorize a memory wipe of a one Bobbie Mendoza?” said Loraine.

  They all nodded their heads.

>   Uncle Dale shouted with panic in his voice, “Don’t do this, Bobbie! Your memories make you who you are. Don’t erase a part of you!”

  But I’d already made up my mind.

  Loraine took a few steps closer to me, powering up the device.

  “Now look directly at me,” she said.

  “Please, Bobbie!” cried Uncle Dale.

  And for a split second I allowed myself a blissful moment where I imagined I didn’t have these insane memories. A moment where I was normal. A moment where elves didn’t break into my locker to lure me into magical adventures. A moment where my uncle didn’t write ten-thousand-word articles on how there was a national toilet paper shortage because mummies were coming to life. And finally, a moment where an annoying but incredibly brave kid named Cole didn’t sacrifice himself for us. . . .

  It was nice. Boring but nice.

  Because like I said, I’d already made up my mind.

  Loraine grinned. “Smile for the camera, sweetie.”

  I smiled.

  Then I snatched.

  I spiked the necklace on the ground and watched in what felt like slow motion as it broke into a million tiny pieces.

  And just like I hoped, the room burst into chaos.

  Chapter 32

  There was that unicorn smell again. But this time it was worse. WAY worse. It smelled like pancake batter and liquefied anchovies that’d been sitting out in the sun for a few days. I guess being shrinkified and trapped inside a locket with a sweaty Bigfoot, a herd of unicorns, and whole bunch of other nasty creatures can really make the BO worse.

  But enough about the smell, I needed to get to my first order of business.

  The room was rapidly filling up with all the crazy creatures now let loose from Loraine’s locket. There was of course the unicorn herd, a terrified-looking Bigfoot I assumed to be Topher, a litter of dragon-cubs, a very old werewolf who used a walker with tennis balls on the end, and a horrifying host of ghosts that shot lasers from their eyes.

  As the insanity unfolded, I grabbed Uncle Dale, Phil, and Gumdrop and sprinted toward the exit.

  “Stop them! They’re getting away!” cried Loraine.

  We rushed out of the room, into a long carpeted hallway.

  Ugh! That’s always the problem with a perfectly executed plan: you need to have a follow-up plan.

  “In here!” Gumdrop shouted, pointing toward the Librarian Association meeting that was happening in room 4A next door.

  “Librarians?!” I said.

  “Just be very, very quiet, and I bet we can blend in,” said Phil.

  There were no other options. We quietly tiptoed inside only to see something far more bizarre.

  Before we could process the idea of a Librarian Fight Club, the door behind us burst open and Loraine, flanked by several angry members of SCUD, barged inside. “There they are!”

  That’s when over a thousand members of the Librarian Association turned toward Loraine and—in perfect unison—raised their index fingers to their pursed lips and let loose the most powerful shushing I’ve ever witnessed.

  We had to get out of there! But the only way out was in! So as the boxing match began, we pushed and shoved our way through the conference room toward an unmarked exit.

  We burst through the door to the sight of cooks, waiters, and fry chefs barking orders in a variety of languages. I looked over my shoulder—had Loraine followed us?!

  “This way!” yelled Uncle Dale from around a corner.

  He must have found the exit!

  Nope.

  Before I could dump the hot pot of curry all over Uncle Dale’s head, I spotted one of the waiters headed for the main floor of the casino!

  We pried Uncle Dale away from his curry and escaped to the packed casino. We had to hurry. Loraine couldn’t be far behind.

  “This way!” Phil shouted as he pointed to another exit.

  We ran but were quickly cut off.

  We turned and ran.

  Straight into Loraine, Abraham Lincoln, and her goon squad of nightmare freaks.

  Loraine smiled. “There’s no way out.”

  “But there is a way up,” shouted Uncle Dale.

  “What?” I cried.

  Uncle Dale yanked me and the elves toward an open elevator. Somehow the doors closed on Loraine in the nick of time.

  We began traveling upward. Smooth jazz played over the speakers . . . and over Loraine’s slowly softening rage-fueled screams.

  I caught my breath, only to look to my left and see a very confused couple in a tuxedo and white wedding dress.

  Chapter 33

  What now? The hotel was only thirty-three stories high and we were nearing the top floor! I was out of brilliant ideas. That’s when Uncle Dale said something insane.

  Uncle Dale has a history of shouting random words that really don’t make any sense.

  But this time it made sense. He was pointing to an advertisement on the elevator walls. “There’s a zip line on top of this roof,” he said. “It’ll take us to the next building!”

  “But I’m afraid of heights!” shouted Phil.

  “And I’m afraid of zip lines!” shouted Gumdrop.

  “And I’m afraid of dying while falling from a zip line!” I shouted.

  “Well, if anyone has a better plan I’m very open to hearing it because—”

  The elevator doors opened to the roof of the building. We peered out. The zip line was a few hundred yards to our left. Loraine and her SCUD goons were nowhere to be seen. The coast was clear.

  “RUN!” yelled Uncle Dale.

  We ran! And within a few steps I knew this zip line plan wasn’t going to work. Partly because of the large sign that read . . .

  And . . . that’s when the door to the stairwell burst open.

  Once again we were trapped. Except for real this time. Let’s summarize the facts.

  To my left, a broken zip line and a two-thousand-foot drop, and to my right, Loraine at rage level ten billion.

  There was nothing else to do except surrender. Or I could try wetting the bed again, but I was pretty certain this wasn’t a bad dream.

  Per usual, Uncle Dale took a different approach.

  “Um, Loraine,” croaked Dale. “I know this might not be the best time, but when this is all over—what do you think the chances are for a guy like me and a bounty hunter like you . . .”

  I wanted to roll my eyes, but for a brief moment I was sort of kind of moved by Uncle Dale’s last shot at lunatic love. We were on the rooftop of a scenic hotel, surrounded by insane mythical creatures and—almost as if it were on cue—beautiful music started playing and then . . .

  What was going on? Was this another dream? There was music. There was a rumble. There was Abe Lincoln. There were . . .

  Say what? I looked down and rising from an open portal in the swirling pool below was a very bizarre sight.

  Nope. Not a dream. Even I couldn’t make something up that bizarre.

  The warrior mermaids were rising from a portal in the fountain below. They looked like Navy SEALs except with better hair and, you know, mermaid tails. I was just about to ask about their hair conditioner when . . .

  Loraine shot us with her net gun! We were trapped!

  “Grab the prisoners and take cover!” yelled Loraine.

  Loraine dragged us like a sack of fish toward her as the Flying Mermaid Warriors prepared to attack.

  “I’m gonna take that as a maybe on the whole date thing!” shouted Uncle Dale.

  Suddenly, a large trident PINGED into the ground, severing the thick ropes of our net in half!

  We were free! The mermaids were rescuing us?!

  I looked up and a particularly fierce and majestic mermaid looked me directly in the eyes. “Come with me if you want to save Cole!”

  To be honest, I probably would have come with her if she’d said pretty much anything.

  It was a rescue! I grabbed Uncle Dale, Phil, and Gumdrop, and we ran for the ledge.

&
nbsp; “What are we doing?!” shouted Phil.

  I said, “We’re jumping.”

  “No. No jumping,” said Gumdrop.

  “I weigh about two hundred seventy-five,” said Dale. “Those mermaids are like a buck twenty. No way they’re catching me.”

  “You’re two hundred seventy-five?” laughed Phil. “You’re at least three and a quarter. You know, you’re only lying to yourself.”

  “This spaghetti strainer adds ten pounds easy. Naked, I’m two hundred seventy-five.”

  “Naked?” cried Gumdrop. “How am I going to get that image out of my head?”

  Idiots. I was surrounded by idiots. We were being chased by Abe Lincoln and a sack full of unicorns and these morons were worried about Jet Pack Amazon Mermaids’ upper body strength. I’d had enough.

  “I guess we’re jumping, then,” said Phil.

  “Apparently,” agreed Gumdrop.

  Dale said, “I really am two hundred seventy-five.”

  “NOW!” I screamed as Loraine and her goons ran toward us.

  We were flying! I looked up to see Loraine rushing to the edge of the building, furiously attempting to get us back with her net gun! But it was no use. We were out of range.

  I wanted to say something snappy to her as we escaped. Something like, “Sorry, Loraine, gotta jet!” or maybe, “You’ll net-er catch us now,” but before I could identify the perfect quip Uncle Dale interrupted me!

  “Loraine, watch out!” he yelled.

  In the insanity of the mermaid jet pack rooftop scuffle, the unicorns got loose. Again. And one of them immediately took a bead on Loraine’s butt.