That First French Summer

by Mandy Baggot

  ‘No, I didn’t but we ought to go. We don’t want to miss the ferry,’ Emma said, striding past her dad.

  ‘Let me take one of those bags,’ Mike said.

  ‘No. No, it’s OK.’ She let out a laugh. ‘I can manage.’

  She smiled, her cheeks hurting with the force. What she really wanted to do was breakdown. But now wasn’t the time. When she was back home she would have all the time in the world to breakdown. Her dad probably would too.

  ‘Ready then? Au revoir la France,’ Mike said, opening the back door for her. She put her backpack on the seat and the other bag she kept with her.

  ‘Yes, goodbye La Baume,’ she responded. She looked over her shoulder, closed her eyes for a moment and breathed in the memories. She’d never let herself be hurt like that again. Never.

  Chapter Sixty-One

  Present Day

  Walking through La Baume was like going back in time. When she’d arrived last night it had been dark, but now, in the light of the day, all of its familiarity was on show. The football court, the swimming pool, the path she’d walked every day on her way to meet with Guy. There were excited children, couples hand in hand, older guests relaxing in sun chairs enjoying the autumn sun. She just felt so isolated, not a part of any of their experiences. She wasn’t here to enjoy herself now, she was here to let go of the past once and for all.

  He was waiting by the gate. Sat on the wall, his head drooping, his dark hair falling forward. Apart from the better quality of his jeans and T-shirt now, he didn’t look any different from the man she’d met there every day that summer. She should have trusted their love. If she hadn’t been a stupid, pathetic teenager back then they would never have been parted. But then would he ever have told her about Keith, David and the club? Would he have always kept that from her? She guessed she’d never know.

  *

  He raised his head from studying the ground and saw her. She was dressed in a cream linen dress, tan sandals on her feet, her hair loose and touching her shoulders. She had never looked more beautiful. His heart should have risen at the sight of her but it had already plummeted so far south, he didn’t know whether there was any going back. He didn’t expect anything from her. He hoped, but he didn’t expect, and he wouldn’t. Ever.

  He put his hands through his hair, pushing it back behind his ears and straightened up. He put his hands into his pockets and his fingers brushed the ring box. He didn’t know why he’d brought it with him. Perhaps it was a comfort or a reminder of what he’d lost. He’d just instinctively known he wanted it near.

  She approached him. She looked tired, nervous maybe, and when she stopped beside him she was wringing her hands together.

  *

  ‘Hi,’ she greeted. This felt so awkward. She didn’t know what to say to him. How to start or how to carry on once she had begun. She knew where it would lead and it terrified her.

  ‘Hi,’ he mouthed in response. His voice sounded hoarse.

  There was silence. She looked at him, taking in his unshaven face, the frown lines enhanced on his forehead, his misted eyes.

  ‘I am so sorry,’ he broke in. He folded then, in front of her. His body convulsed as he sobbed and she didn’t know what to do. It was the worst sound in the world and if it carried on she was going to break too.

  She reached into his arms to find his hand. She took it, held it tightly in hers, stroking his fingers. At the moment it was all she had to give.

  ‘I am so sorry,’ he repeated in a whisper, wiping his eyes with his other hand.

  She shook her head. He wasn’t really the one who should be saying that now. He had given her a confession last night. Now it was her turn.

  ‘Walk with me,’ she said, turning towards the gate.

  ‘Emma.’

  ‘Please. Just walk with me.’

  The colour of the fields, the cornflower blue of the sky looked exactly the same as they had the day she’d left. It felt surreal being here. She felt just as upset and disturbed as she had eight years ago. Time hadn’t changed anything. She was still as vulnerable as she had been then. She’d hidden her heart for so long and the moment she let him in to find it, he injured it again. She began to speak.

  ‘You have to understand that when I left you that day, I was inconsolable. Not just a bit upset, Guy. Inconsolable. It’s important you know that.’ She looked over at him. They had walked hand-in-hand from the campsite to where they were now, on the track, near the grass that led down to the river.

  ‘I know that. I know what I did to you,’ he responded.

  She nodded, satisfied he realised the depth of her feeling. She started over to the right, stepped onto the grass, then stopped, closing her eyes. She could still see the scene. She could smell the corn, the sweet scent of fruit in the air. She could hear Luc crying.

  ‘They were just over there.’ She pointed. ‘Luc was crying his little heart out and she… your mother, she was lying there on a blanket, passed out.’ She didn’t wait for him to make comment. She strode forward, heading towards the spot on the bank. ‘She was here. Right here. Drunk. There was a bottle of brandy next to her and Luc was just screaming and screaming and she wasn’t taking any notice of him. She didn’t even move,’ Emma continued. She turned to look at Guy as he stood alongside her, but he showed no emotion. He didn’t speak or do anything. He just stood there, looking at the grass in front of them.

  ‘I picked him up and he settled almost straightaway. He was hot and hungry so I sat on the ground and I fed him his bottle while your mother slept and I wept tears over you,’ she stated.

  ‘We found his pram down river,’ Guy finally responded.

  She closed her eyes tight shut and swallowed as she remembered. She’d done what she had to do. He had been better off without that woman… without Guy who lied and deceived. She’d taken away his pain. She’d got him out of that miserable existence.

  ‘I pushed the pram into the river,’ she stated, turning her tear-filled eyes to him.

  He watched her fall apart in front of him. It was almost a mirror image of himself from the night before. She was crying so hard she could barely stand. Torrents of tears streamed from her eyes and she held her chest as it heaved to draw breath. He didn’t speak. He didn’t know quite what to say.

  ‘I wanted to save him and punish you. You hurt me so, so much and all I could think about was that little boy, so pure and innocent, having to live with that evil woman. The woman that beat you. The woman that shook him so hard.’ She paused, swallowed a knot of emotion. ‘That wasn’t right. And I couldn’t leave him with her. Even if what I did was very wrong, I just couldn’t leave him with her. You have to understand that,’ she cried.

  He shook his head. All these years she’d held this inside her, just like he had. A secret so deep it had scarred her entire existence.

  ‘I took everything out of his bag apart from some milk formula, a few nappies and his toy elephant and I hid him inside it. I ran back to my dad and we left. I took Luc and I brought him up as my own, as Dominic,’ she finished. Exhausted from having let it all go she sank to the grass, her head in her hands. Her brain was throbbing, her eyes aching as the stress of the situation threatened to take her over. She’d kidnapped a baby. She’d taken Guy’s brother, separated a mother from her child and lied to everyone for eight years about Dominic’s parentage.

  ‘I know,’ he whispered, sitting beside her.

  Her eyes went wild and she shifted back, staring at him, her mouth slack. What did he just say? He knew?! How could he know? No one knew! When they’d met up again he’d told her himself that Luc was dead. She’d felt the guilt, seen the grief in his eyes.

  ‘I knew from the moment you told me Dominic wasn’t mine. If he really wasn’t mine there was only one other explanation. I know you, Emma. What I kept from you was because I didn’t want to lose you. Selfish and foolish and wicked, like you said. What you did wasn’t out of anger like you say, it was out of love. We’d made plans together
, to take care of Luc, to get him away from this place. I should have realised at the time but… I was too broken to think straight and I knew how I had hurt you. But when I saw Dominic, looking so much like me, I knew he had to be mine. I did not believe the stories of other men before me. I held you, I listened to your heart. It was always mine.’

  She burst into tears and they fell, fast, hot and wet down her cheeks. Guy took her hands in his and held them strong.

  ‘I took a child. I made you believe your brother was dead. I’ve kept it a secret all this time from everyone. My dad, Ally, Chris… no one knew but me. I didn’t just want to protect him; I wanted him for myself because I had no one. I missed my mother so much, much more than I ever said and I thought I could cope with that if I had you. But then Dad told me about Marilyn and Chaucer was blinding me and you… did what you did and I had nothing and no one. And that baby looked into my eyes and I knew he needed me. I knew he was my future.’

  Guy nodded. He raised a hand and brushed it down her hair. She shivered, despite the warmth of the sun on her back and wiped a hand at her eyes.

  ‘I was too harsh with you last night and hypocritical. How could I say all those things about what you’ve done when I did this?’ She raised her hands before dropping them back to her lap.

  He shook his head. ‘You did save my brother… Dominic. What you did was for the right reasons. Me, I…’

  ‘Did exactly the same. I know how things were for you. I didn’t ask questions because I was caught up in our romance like the silly little seventeen-year-old I was. I’m not excusing what you did. But I believe nothing happened with Keith. And, with your mother and Luc… you were desperate and vulnerable,’ she said, looking up at him.

  ‘I have told the police, last night. I go there. They questioned me and I told them everything. It is only a matter of time before the men are caught and the news is all over the press,’ he stated, sighing.

  ‘Oh, Guy. I don’t know what to say,’ she told him.

  ‘Say you’re not so disgusted with me that you can bear to try again. Say that you love me.’

  His heart was thumping against the wall of his chest. The chink of light had grown. He saw in her eyes that she was no longer fearful of him, no longer looking at him like he was ruined for her, a shadow of the man she loved.

  ‘I’ve always loved you. But this… you knowing this, about Luc… it has to change things. I have to confess too. To everyone. I broke the law. A thousand times over I expect,’ she responded, her voice shaking.

  He shook his head with vigour. ‘Non.’

  ‘Dominic asks about his father every now and then. When there are shows at school or parent teacher evenings. He’ll go quiet for a time and then he’ll ask and every time I want the ground to open and swallow me. I never give him an answer. I say something lame like it hurts too much to speak about it and I’ll tell him when he’s older. Soon that isn’t going to wash. I don’t think it’s really washing now but he hates it when I cry. He’s had Chris to distract him for so long and…’

  ‘And now he has me,’ he told her. He cupped her face with his hand, pressed the pad of his thumb against her lips.

  ‘Perhaps we’re just not destined to be together, Guy. So many years have gone by, all wrapped up in so many lies,’ she said.

  ‘That is why we are meant to be together. Because we can get through anything. This is our chance, now everything is out in the open. My career is over, my reputation will be torn to shreds but if you say we can be together, with Dominic, as a family, then nothing else matters. Nothing.’

  He held his breath. He could feel the small box pressing against the top of his thigh as he sat next to her, holding her hand. Was this the moment? Or was it too soon? There was so much forgiving to do.

  Could she forgive him? Could she let him forgive her? All he had done was say nothing under pressure, been manipulated and made a misguided decision trying to get money for her, for their escape from La Baume. She had been at the forefront of his mind all the time. He hadn’t cheated on her. He had meant all those things he’d whispered to her when they’d made love.

  She’d spent her whole life running from that day. Covering up what she’d done. Telling lie after lie to protect herself and Dominic. Could she finally stop running? Could she consider entering the first relationship she had ever entered since she’d left Guy, with Guy, based on nothing but the truth?

  ‘Marry me,’ he said, breaking into her train of thought.

  She looked at the box he offered out to her. It was open and in it was the most exquisite ring she had ever set eyes on. A thick gold band and an enormous diamond reflected the light from the sun.

  ‘Marry me,’ he repeated. ‘I know after last night, with the police and the football club, I will not have that much to share with you. I do not know what the future will hold, but whatever there is, it is yours.’

  She gazed into his eyes, feeling the depth of his love wash over her and she knew then, without one single doubt, he was and always had been, the only man for her.

  ‘I am nothing without you, Emma,’ he told her.

  ‘Yes,’ she said. ‘The answer is yes.’

  Chapter Sixty-Two

  5 September 2005

  Her dad had gone for coffee just after they’d boarded the ferry and she’d stayed in the car. Luc was just starting to stir. She lifted him out of the bag and cradled him in her arms. His little fists were screwed up tight together and his tiny perfect lips were opening and closing, as he turned his head this way and that rooting for food. She was going to help him grow bigger and stronger. Protect him always.

  There was one last bottle in the bag that would have to satisfy him until they got home. She un-capped the top and put the teat to his mouth.

  ‘There we are. Who’s a hungry little boy?’ she asked, stroking his hair with her free hand.

  She didn’t see Mike come back. She didn’t notice him until he’d opened the door and dropped two paper cups of coffee to the deck of the boat.

  ‘Emma… what’s going on?’

  He’d gone ashen. The tan he had built up over the last three weeks had faded in an instant. She stared at her dad, not knowing what to say. She had planned to tell him when they got home, obviously, but she had been counting on a couple of hours on the boat and another few to get home before she had to face the music.

  ‘I wanted to tell you, Dad. But… I was so frightened,’ she blurted out, tears forming.

  ‘Oh my God, love. I don’t know what to say. I…’ Mike started, holding onto the frame of the car door for support.

  ‘I’m so sorry, Dad. I knew you’d be disappointed and I was ashamed. I… I had him yesterday, at the campsite and…’

  ‘Emma… my poor sweet girl,’ Mike said, shaking his head as emotion overrode him.

  ‘I didn’t want to make a fuss… I didn’t want to spoil the holiday,’ she continued, the tears falling. The emotion was real. She was grieving so many things. Her mother, Guy, the loss of her old future because of the hand Fate had dealt her. The future she’d chosen to take instead for this baby’s sake.

  ‘Didn’t want to make a fuss?! It’s a baby, love. You’ve had a baby,’ Mike stated. He put his hand to his head. ‘How did I miss this? And what do we do now?’

  ‘I just want to go home.’

  ‘I don’t think it works like that, love. I mean he doesn’t have any passport or papers or anything. What about when we get to the border in England?’

  ‘He’s been in my bag,’ Emma told him as if it was the most normal sentence in the world to utter.

  Mike shook his head again and she could feel his disappointment radiating off of him. She could tell he was seeing his retirement with Marilyn slipping out of sight.

  ‘Oh, love,’ Mike said, sighing.

  ‘I know what you’re thinking, Dad, but it doesn’t have to mean the end of my plans for university. I can go later, in a few years,’ Emma said, adjusting Luc’s bottle and making him suckl
e louder.

  ‘Love, why didn’t you come to me? At the beginning when you first found out?’

  She obviously didn’t have an answer so she shrugged, hoping it would be enough.

  ‘Who’s the father? Does he know?’

  She offered another shrug, focused her eyes on Luc.

  ‘Does this little one have a name?’ Mike asked.

  Emma looked up then and caught the compassion mixed with shock; saw the chance to grab onto.

  ‘Dominic. His name’s Dominic.’

  Chapter Sixty-Three

  Present Day

  ‘I hear they’ve rounded them all up,’ Ally announced, pouring Emma a glass of wine.

  ‘What?’

  ‘The paedophiles. The ring leader’s been remanded and the others have been bailed pending the trial,’ she continued.

  ‘Guy and I try not to talk about that. He has to appear at the trial to give evidence but until then we’re not thinking about it. We have a wedding to plan,’ Emma reminded.

  ‘I know that! Was that a not-so-subtle hint that I ought to be arranging the hen party?’ Ally asked.

  ‘Not at all. That’s the part I’m dreading because I remember the last one you made me go to that you arranged. Tequila, cowboy hats and glow-in-the-dark thongs,’ Emma said, laughing.

  ‘Great wasn’t it?’

  ‘You had more fun than the bride.’

  ‘Ah, organiser’s prerogative.’

  Emma laughed.

  ‘So, listen, miss, now I have you on your own, what I want to know is, if Guy is Dominic’s father why couldn’t you have just come out and told me? I mean you told me he wasn’t… categorically,’ Ally said.

  Emma felt the loaded stare but was unmoved. She’d wanted to at least tell Dominic the truth, well a version of the truth someone his age could understand, but Guy had been adamant. He didn’t want that. Not yet. When Dominic was old enough to understand, when he was safe and secure in their love, then there would come a time. Right now he was only to know one thing. That Guy and Emma were happy. That they were together and they were getting married, becoming a family.