Looking In

by Michael Bailey

  Suddenly feeling self-conscious, exposed, and vulnerable, I pulled my shirt back over my shoulder. “You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s me. It’s always me.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  Without any conscious thought, I glanced down at the cuffs of my sleeves. He followed my line of sight down, and realization dawned on his face. He took a step toward me, and it took everything in my power not to scoot across the bed and against the wall.

  “I know they’re there,” he said, reaching out and skimming my left arm with his hand. “I know what caused them, and I know you’re not the same person you were before. Let me love you the way you deserve.”

  His words melted into me, seeping into my core. I sat in a daze, unable to move, letting his words wash through me to battle against the panic. He looked down at me, and our eyes locked again. I was lost, sucked into those brown depths as if he had possession of my soul.

  Never breaking eye contact, Adam brought both hands to the base of my neck, slid them under my shirt and across my shoulders. As he did, my shirt opened further and slid back with them, exposing first my chest, then my shoulders. As my shirt passed my biceps, my heart rate sped up, and I knew that was the moment when everything would change.

  Finally, my shirt lay in a pool behind me, my arms still confined within the sleeves at the cuffs. He leaned forward and unbuttoned the left cuff, gently lifting my arm free. The scar ran length-wise up my arm, puckered, dead skin paler than the rest. He took the hand he had just freed, kissed my fingers, and that electricity was back, zipping up my arm and straight to my chest. He worked his way up my hand, kissing my palm, then the leading edge of the scar.

  I watched in strange fascination, fully expecting him to pull back in revulsion, but the opposite happened. As he kissed along the length of the scar, warmth radiated up my arm, as if he was infusing me with his own energy. Nerve endings along the scar that I thought long dead seemed to come back to life, though I knew that was impossible.

  He finished kissing the left scar, then turned to my right arm, unbuttoned the cuff, and pulled my arm free. Taking the shirt from behind me, he dropped it onto the floor. He repeated what he had done to my left arm on my right, and that same heat and energy enveloped me, sending a warm rush coursing through my body.

  Adam took a step back, and looked at me, as if he were admiring a sculpture in a museum. “Better?”

  “Much.” And it was the truth. A strange sense of peace had settled over me, and I knew it had to be because of him.

  “There’s still one problem.”

  “Oh?”

  “Yes.”

  Then he slowly sank to his knees, collecting the shirt he had just dropped and wadding it, creating a cushion for his knees. He reached for the buckle of my belt, and deftly undid it. The erection I had lost in my panic roared back to life in complete anticipation for what was to come.

  Pulling the belt free from the loops of my pants, he tossed it behind him, and wasted no time unbuttoning and unzipping my pants. He reached for my hips, and I raised my ass just enough for him to slide my pants and underwear down in one motion. My erection sprang free and gave a wet smack as it slapped me in the belly. He ran his hands up the interior of my thighs, coming to rest where my legs joined my hips. Sliding his thumbs under my sack, he gave my balls a little bounce. “I’m going to have fun with this.”

  Then he dove onto my cock, taking me to my base in one motion. I gasped as the wet heat of his mouth completely enveloped me. All sensation seemed to be centered around my cock, my entire being coalesced into that one area. Without thinking, I reached out and latched on to his shoulder, bracing myself. He seemed to swirl his tongue around the head of my cock like an ice cream cone, paying particular attention to my slit. My grip on him tightened as the pleasure increased, and a small voice told me that if I wasn’t careful, I’d leave bruises. He didn’t seem to mind, or, if he did, he gave absolutely no indication.

  Adam hummed while he worked, sending vibrations straight through my dick and into my balls. I threw my head back, arching my back, trying to bury as much of myself into him as I could. He took all of me, burying his nose in my trimmed pubes. Had I thought about it at the time, I would have feared suffocating him, but he had things well under control. If anything, he seemed to be enjoying the fact that I was losing control. I felt like I was speeding toward the edge of a cliff, and just as I got to the point of no return, Adam stopped.

  I heard a whine from the distance, and realized too late that it came from me. Adam gave a light chuckle, and brought his hand to my erection, giving me slow, steady strokes, while he nuzzled my balls. He gave each one a lick as he said, “The next time we’re out, we have to get some stuff.”

  I was gasping for breath, but still managed to squeak out, “Stuff?”

  “Condoms and lube.”

  Still short of breath, I was able to get out, “Top drawer. Nightstand.”

  Adam stopped licking my balls and looked up at me, his brows jumping high on his forehead in surprise. “You have those?”

  I felt my face heat, and not from what we had been doing, but rather from embarrassment. Why, after everything we had been doing, I couldn’t say. Only that for me, there was a difference between discussing sex and the actual act.

  He stood and slid open the nightstand drawer. Turning to me holding the small bottle of lubricant and a foil wrapped condom, he said, “I didn’t know you had these. When’d you get ’em?”

  “The last time I had my prescription refilled.” I knew I was blushing then, and I couldn’t look at him. Again, I had no idea why. Obviously, I was more than happy at that point to engage in sex, but discussing it made me highly uncomfortable.

  As usual, Adam sensed my discomfort. Tossing the items to the bed, he came and knelt in front of me. I tried turning my head to keep from looking into his brown eyes, but he caught me by my chin as I turned. I felt the pad if his index finger caress my chin as he turned me. Placing his hands on either side of my face, he pulled me toward him, and placed a gentle kiss to my lips.

  “I’m sorry,” I said. “I keep fucking this up.”

  He kissed me again, his lips lingering on mine. “No, you’re not.”

  He pulled back and looked me in the eye. “I understand. We go at your pace. Nothing more.”

  As he spoke, he ran his hands through my hair and brought his thumbs to my eyebrows, gently massaged them. I felt my embarrassment slip away with each swipe of this thumb. “You continue to amaze me. There has only ever been one thing that I have wanted to give to you, and that is hope. You may not realize it because it’s buried so deep you can’t feel it. Yet. But it’s there, and it’s growing. Hope for me and hope for us. Buying those, putting yourself out there like that shows it.”

  As if to drive the point home, he leaned in to kiss me. The combination of his words and his lips against mine broke me free from the fog of embarrassment. Like a starving man, I virtually attacked his mouth. Starving may be the appropriate word. For once, I had someone in my life that seemed to value me, and like rain in the desert, I couldn’t seem to get enough of him to quench my thirst.

  I felt him slide my shoes off, followed by my pants. Finally, completely naked in front of him for the very first time.

  Adam broke from our kiss and stood again. He stared, drinking me in in all my naked glory. I marveled at my lack of inhibitions. I had never been that naked, that exposed in my entire life. Not just in the physical sense, but emotionally and psychologically. I felt as if Adam had been slowly taking me apart, discarding all the small broken pieces, and putting me back together again as a newer improved version of myself. That feeling was at once exhilarating and terrifying

  A smile spread across his lips. “Just beautiful!”

  And then he pounced.

  Literally.

  I found myself lying flat on my back with his bulk spread over me like a living blanket. His lips met mine, and our duel continued. I don’t know how long w
e lay like that, rolling around on the bed, lips mashed together, tongues dancing, and hands exploring. Time ceased to matter. My entire world was focused on Adam, giving him as much pleasure as he was giving me.

  Eventually, I found myself lying on top of him, my knees on either side of his hips, elbows at each shoulder. He was kissing my neck when I heard him whisper, “I want you.”

  I propped myself up on an elbow and looked into his eyes. “You have me. I think you’ve had me since the day we met, but I was too afraid to admit it.” My heart beat rapidly against my chest, and I swore it was going to break through. After holding myself back for so many years, keeping myself at a distance from anyone I thought could hurt me, I felt liberated in a sense, sharing that little piece with him.

  A smile played across his lips, and he reached out, brushing a lock of hair from my forehead. “I felt it, ya know. The day we met, the moment I touched you in the store. On some level, I knew we would be here. Confused the shit out of me because I had never felt that before. But that feeling grew when I ran into you the next day. I’ve always believed that things happen for a reason. But this right here, us, is the reason I walked into the comic shop that day, and the reason I ran into you the next. We are supposed to be.”

  It took everything in my power to hold myself together with that declaration. I could feel the weight of his words and his undeniable conviction. Warmth radiated through me, and along with it, a sensation I hadn’t felt in years.

  Peace.

  Adam gently cupped my face in the palms of each hand and pulled me to him. As our lips connected, he let go. Our kisses became almost frenzied. He nipped my bottom lip and pulled, rough enough to feel but gentle enough not to hurt. The entire time, he ran one hand down my back, tracing the lines of my spine, until he reached my crevasse. There, he stopped and retraced his steps until he reached my neck. Gently massaging it, he pulled free. “I want you in me.”

  Tricky as he was, I never realized he was using his other hand to reach for the bottle of lube. I leaned up as he placed the bottle into the palm of my hand. “Adam, I—”

  “Sssshhh,” he said, pressing a finger to my lips. “It’ll be okay, I promise.”

  He took my hand and turned it palm up. Then, taking the bottle from me, he squeezed a generous amount of the liquid onto my index finger. I looked at him, my confusion clearly evident.

  “The prep is part of the fun.”

  He lay back flat, and raised his feet into the air, offering himself to me, exposing his most sensitive area for the very first time. My breathing hitched. The vulnerability he was putting on display was not lost on me.

  “Do what you did before. This time, you’re properly wet.”

  I circled his entrance with my slicked-up finger, feeling the ridges and massaging his opening. His breathing quickened, but I could tell it was from excitement, not from fear. Gently, I probed him with the pad of my finger, testing for resistance. Finding none, I pressed forward, easily sliding my finger in to the first knuckle. I glanced up at him, searching his eyes for any hint of pain. But all I saw was love, trust, and the heat of arousal.

  That last bit spurred me forward, sliding to the second knuckle. He groaned, low and guttural, and it was the sexiest damn thing I had ever heard. The sound vibrated through his body and into mine, igniting a spark that I never knew existed. My lizard brain took over, that primal part of all of us that just wanted pleasure. I fisted my cock in rhythm with my thrust into him, in and out in repeated, rapid succession.

  “More,” he whimpered in pleasure. Some baser instinct understood what he meant, and my middle finger joined my index.

  I watched his face, searching for any signs of discomfort or pain, and instead found absolute bliss. I probed him, searching for that spot I had found quite by accident earlier. At the same moment I found it, his mouth fell open with a grunt, and his cock shot pre-cum onto his abdomen.

  Pride flowed through me. I had done that to him. I had given him that pleasure.

  And so, I did it, again and again, withdrawing my finger ever so slightly, then sliding it back in. On each inward stroke, I gently rubbed against his gland, causing just the right amount of friction to have the desired effect. Soon, his head was thrashing across the bed, sweat beading on his brow.

  Finally, he reached out and caressed my arm. “If you don’t stop,” he gasped, “this’ll be over before we get to the good stuff.”

  Playfully, I said, “I thought we were already there.”

  “Not by a long shot.” He reached for the condom wrapper and tore it open, sliding the condom from inside. Leaning forward, he pinched the tip and rolled it down my cock. Only by sheer willpower did I not lose it right there. He handed me the bottle of lube, and said, “You’ve got this part. So fuckin’ sexy. If I start, I’ll rip that thing back off and blow you til you bust. And that’s not what I’m after.”

  I popped the cap and applied a generous amount to my cock, getting it good and slick. He lay back down and threw his legs into the air. I scooted forward on the mattress and lined myself up with his opening, his legs resting comfortably against my chest. I nudged forward, meeting little resistance as I slid in. I went slowly, terrified that I would hurt him, but at the same time resisting my own urge to utterly plunge myself in him. I watched his expression the entire time, looking for any sign of discomfort. Finding none, I continued until I was literally buried.

  He gave a contented sigh and smiled. “Finally.”

  Taking that as approval, I allowed instinct to take over, slowly withdrawing to the tip of my shaft, then sliding back in. With each inward thrust, he gave that same sigh and sloppy grin.

  He reached forward and pinched a nipple, sending sparks shooting right into my dick. I never knew my nipples were sensitive. At least not before Adam came along. Now that I did, I knew that would be an area he would be exploring in greater detail later. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t looking forward to it.

  My hips moved at a faster pace, snapping back and forth, forcing myself deeper and deeper. I must have hit that spot, because he gasped and his cock shot out more pre-cum.

  He reached for his cock, but I smacked his hand away. “Mine.”

  Where that came from, that possessiveness, I will never know. Pleasure raced through me and I had this overwhelming need to give him the same. I took hold of his dick. Tracing my thumb over his cockhead, pre-cum oozed from the slit. I scooped at his slit with my thumb, bringing it to my lips to sample. Adam watched, lust and curiosity mixing in his eyes, as I licked my thumb clean.

  “Holy fuck,” he whispered.

  Satisfied, I thrust into him, stroking him in the same rhythm, increasing my speed, pounding into him until I felt like I would fall apart. My balls boiled, and I looked down to watch his balls retract. I knew what was coming, and again, instinct took over.

  I must say, there are certain advantages to being as thin as I was. While still firmly planted in him, I leaned forward, taking just the head of his cock between my lips. Continuing to stroke him, I thrust as deeply as I could. With each push, I was rewarded with more pre-cum on my tongue.

  He laced his fingers through my hair, holding me in place without forcing my head down.

  Tingling began to build at the base of my spine like I was slowly climbing a wave as I continued to thrust into him.

  “David,” he whispered. “David, if you don’t…oh fuck…David, I’m—”

  He was cut off by his own gasp as shot after shot coated my tongue. I savored the taste, salty with a slight tang. It was enough to push me over the edge. The tingling at my spine exploded, arcing straight into my balls. My body literally vibrated as I shot into the condom, emptying myself completely.

  I knelt frozen for a few moments trying to catch my breath. Adam reached forward and brushed my cheek. “You okay?”

  I tried to smile, but I have no idea if I was successful. “No. Better.”

  “Same.”

  I slowly withdrew and he winced. “So
rry.”

  “Don’t be. Totally worth it. I’ll walk funny tomorrow, and Ryan will totally give me shit for it, but totally worth it.”

  I slid the condom off and he took it from me. Tying it off, he dropped it into the wastebasket beside the bed, then lay back down. “C’mere.”

  I crawled to him and lay down beside him, resting my head on his chest. He laced his arm around me, pulling me tightly against his side, and holding me there. He ran the fingers of his free hand through my hair, brushing it away from my forehead.

  I WOKE UP SLOWLY THE following morning with David’s nude body pressed to my side, his leg draped lazily over mine, his head resting on my shoulder, and my arm wrapped around him. His hand rested on my chest, directly over my heart, and I couldn’t help but wonder if he could feel my heartbeat in his sleep. For a moment, I hoped he could, that it gave him some connection to me as he dreamt. Foolish, I know, but after the previous night, it was all I could do not to take him far away somewhere, away from everything and everyone that had ever caused him pain. I knew it wasn’t feasible or even logical, but when it came to him, logic flew out the window.

  My ass ached dully. Granted, I was by no means a virgin, but it had been awhile. Most of my previous encounters had simply been about getting off. Two guys, needing release as quickly as possible, then going about our merry way. No harm, no foul, no commitments.

  The previous night had been different. David and I didn’t have sex. I mean, sure, in the purely technical sense, we did, at least physically. But for me, and I would wager for him as well, it wasn’t so much the act as it was the meaning behind it. The moment he entered me, it was like something just clicked into place, something I didn’t know had been missing was suddenly found. While I had wanted the experience to be about giving something to him, what I didn’t anticipate was what I would get in return. The sense of completeness.

  I could feel the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed against my side, his soft breath skated across my chest through his slightly opened mouth. I fought the urge to touch his cheek. Instead, my fingers lazily traced his bicep. I had an overwhelming need to touch him, which was ridiculous given how he was almost lying on top of me.