When I Knew You

by KE Payne

  Hearing Chloe’s familiar laugh in the distance, Nat pulled her eyes from Ash’s and saw Chloe hugging her friend, their conversation apparently over. Untangling her fingers from Ash’s, she hastily pulled herself upright, clambered to her feet, and walked away from her. Behind her, she sensed Ash’s eyes still on her and felt her chest fill with a mixture of longing and regret. Had Ash felt it too? The aching tension and desire that had just passed between them?

  “Hey.” Nat lifted a hand to Chloe and walked over to her, grateful to put some distance between her and Ash.

  She needed to forget what she’d just done, forget that she still wanted Ash. What had just happened had been a moment of weakness, a reminder of a love lost, and now Nat needed to be strong all over again. Ash was heading back out of London on the first train in the morning, doubtless without even so much as a single thought about Nat. She had her own life now, a life that didn’t include Nat, and for Nat to confuse things for her now, when she was obviously so happy, would be unthinkable.

  She and Ash had an understanding, a reconnection after so many years pretending the other didn’t exist, and Nat knew, as she strode towards Chloe and ever further from Ash, she should never do anything to confuse or compromise that.

  Chapter Thirteen

  “Come home to me!”

  Ash couldn’t help but laugh at the mock anguish in Gabe’s voice.

  “Seriously, it’s been what? Four or five days?” She sat on the edge of her bed. “I’ve hardly been away ages.”

  “Five days ago you were ringing me telling me you’d barely made it through a day in Oxford without throwing Nat out of your boat,” Gabe said.

  Five days ago, Nat was still a stranger to me.

  “A lot can happen in a week.” Ash shuffled herself back on the bed, then propped herself up against the wall behind it. “Things can change.”

  And things had certainly shifted off kilter that afternoon, Ash thought with a frown.

  “And feelings?” Gabe asked. “Have they changed too?”

  “Spending time with someone can change your perception of things,” Ash said. “And that’s all I’m prepared to say on the matter.”

  “So you’ve had a good time?”

  “The best.” Ash leaned back against the wall. “And I never thought I’d say that.”

  Nat’s image returned to her, leaning over her, her dark eyes on hers. Then her hand, drawing slowly down Ash’s arm, stimulating a shiver of pleasure from Ash even now as she remembered it.

  “Any idea what Livvy’s got planned for you next week?” Gabe asked.

  Ash, grateful for his intervention to her thoughts, looked down to her rucksack, packed and ready for the morning. Inside, Livvy’s final four letters for Cornwall awaited.

  “I figured I’d wait to open the next one until Nat and Chloe get down on Sunday evening,” Ash said. “Did you book the B and B like I asked in my text the other day, by the way?”

  “I booked the posh one in Trevelyan, just like you wanted,” Gabe said. “A double room each, Nat’s with sea views. Again, like you asked.”

  “You’re a gem.”

  “I know.” Gabe paused. “It’ll be nice for Nat to see your home county at its best.”

  “And Chloe.” Even Ash knew she didn’t sound convincing. Gabe was absolutely right; choosing the perfect B & B had been deliberate. Even before their closeness that afternoon, she’d known she didn’t want Nat shacked up in any old place; it had to be classy—just like Nat. The one Gabe had booked, just a ten-minute drive from Ash’s own, much smaller village, was perfect.

  “Of course,” Gabe replied.

  Ash detected a note of amusement and scepticism in his voice. That was understandable. Even Ash found the idea of wanting to impress Nat absurd, but that was exactly what she wanted to do. Sure, she told herself it was because she wanted Nat to envy her, to realize that she was doing okay, and that she’d become a success despite everything, but the truth also was that she wanted Nat to admire the life Ash had made for herself without her, because it was important to her that she saw Ash wasn’t the flighty girl Nat had known and loved. Maybe because Nat was so successful, Ash was quietly embarrassed at her physical job—she was never quite sure. She had always been so proud of her business—and still was—but there still sometimes niggled the deep-seated feeling that running a boat business in Cornwall was never what she’d set out to do, despite how happy she was.

  If Nat could see her little corner of the world and understand how much it meant to Ash, then perhaps that deep-seated sense of failure might, after many years, finally go.

  “So, what time is your train tomorrow?”

  Gabe’s voice rumbled in Ash’s ear, pulling her back.

  “First thing.” Ash scratched at her hair. “I’m not sure. Nine-ish.”

  “Text me,” Gabe said. “I’ll meet you at the station.”

  “I will. Thanks.”

  “I’m sensing you’ll have a lot to tell me,” Gabe continued. Ash heard his pause. “About how you and Nat got on.”

  “I already told you,” Ash said. “We got on great.”

  “I can’t wait to meet her,” Gabe said, the mischievous intonation in his voice clearly audible to Ash.

  “Because?” Ash asked, trying to deflate his playfulness.

  “Because I’ve heard so much about her,” Gabe replied.

  His answer was far more sensible than Ash had anticipated.

  “Well as long as you don’t put her off—or Chloe—and send them both fleeing back to London.” Ash smoothed the linen down on the bed next to her leg and stared down at it. “I do want to have at least one day where I can take them out on Doris.”

  “I’ll be on my best behaviour, I promise,” Gabe said.

  “You better be.”

  “So I’ll see you tomorrow afternoon, then,” Gabe continued. “And the grilling can commence.”

  “About?”

  “You know what I mean.”

  “I do,” Ash replied, “and there’ll be no grilling, thank you very much. There’s nothing to tell, anyway.”

  She frowned, letting her own words sink in as a snapshot of that afternoon wheedled its way into her brain. She’d wanted more that afternoon, she was sure of it, and the arrival of Chloe at the park had been opportune. If she’d not come back when she had? Ash wasn’t sure what would have happened, but she knew she’d have done nothing to stop it. Despite her protestations to Gabe, Ash knew that Nat was slowly drawing her back, just like she’d always done. The sensation of her hand on hers again, after so many years, Nat’s eyes locked onto hers, her very presence all making Ash feel as though she were the most important person in the world.

  Ash could keep telling herself, Gabe, and anyone else who would listen that it wasn’t true, but the reality was she was slowly, tenderly, deliciously falling for Nat all over again.

  And the thought absolutely terrified her.

  ❖

  Paddington Station was exactly like it always was the next morning: hot, crowded, noisy. Ash stood on the concourse, staring vacantly up at the endless screens above her head, her concentration constantly interrupted by either intercom announcements or people bumping into her. Her eyes darted from left to right, trying to find which platform her train departed from. There was too much information on the screens for her confused brain to take in. She squeezed her eyes tight shut against the bright lights that were threatening a headache, hitched her rucksack a little higher, and tried again.

  Truro. Platform twelve. At last.

  Ash looked at her watch, grateful she’d thought to allow herself enough time for a coffee before she left. Throwing a look over her shoulder, she spotted a coffee stall not far from where she was standing, and made for it.

  “What can I get you?” An Australian accent floated out from behind the counter.

  “Latte would be good.” Ash shrugged her rucksack from her shoulders and shook it down, then placed it at her feet. “Thanks.”
She dug in her trouser pocket, pulling out a handful of coins which she then placed on the top of the counter.

  Taking her drink, Ash picked up her rucksack again and settled herself at a table which allowed her a clear view of the announcements board. She glanced around her, the feeling of despondency that had followed her around since the previous afternoon still shrouding her, and sipped at her coffee. Inside her jacket pocket, her phone vibrated. Her latte instantly forgotten, she immediately pulled it out, sensing her cloak of discontent tighten around her further as she read the text on her screen. Dude! Train time? I can’t pick you up if I don’t know what train you’re coming in on later xxx

  Gabe. Not Nat.

  Ash crammed her phone back in her pocket, her longing for the text to have been from Nat nearly suffocated her. Why hadn’t she texted? Why hadn’t they even spoken once since they’d parted at Bond Street Tube the night before, when Nat knew full well Ash was getting the first train out of London the next day? Especially after what had happened at Wimbledon Common. What had happened anyway? There had been something there, and afterwards Ash had made her way back to her hotel, buzzing from the day, happiness consuming her, and fully expecting at least a text or call from Nat to wish her a safe journey the next day or, heaven forbid, tell her that she’d enjoyed the day just as much as Ash had.

  Ash picked up her latte and sipped at it again, frowning at its heat.

  She should have known better than to let herself get drawn into Nat’s web again. The frowning increased. She might have guessed that she’d get swept up in seeing her again, confusing herself, because that’s what Nat had done to her all her life. Confused her. Over the years, all it had taken was a comment from Livvy about Nat to send Ash’s mind hurtling over to her, wondering where she was, how she was, or whether she still thought of her.

  Ash blew across her coffee, watching the liquid ripple. It had happened all her life. Nat was her life. The coffee tasted awful, Ash decided. She pushed it away, fighting the nausea that seemed to hang around far too much for her liking just lately, and looked around her again. Why wasn’t Nat here? Because Ash wasn’t Nat’s life, that’s why, and Ash was stupid to even begin to think she could be.

  The notion that a distance could have opened up between them, just when Ash thought they might be getting close again, frustrated her even though she had no right to be frustrated. Much of her annoyance stemmed from not knowing what could have caused it in the first place, or what could be done to close the gap. The one thing she was sure of, however, was she desperately wanted to feel some of the closeness they’d begun to share over the past few days again.

  Ash stood, scraping back her chair, and scooped up her rucksack from the floor. Her coffee lying dully in her stomach, she strode across the concourse to resume her position underneath the announcements board.

  Ten minutes. In ten minutes her train would pull out of the station and take her back to her normal life, away from fretting about whether Nat had or hadn’t texted her, and why she wasn’t here to see her off. Away from the magnet that persisted in pulling her to Nat, when she knew that it was all so pointless.

  Ash looked over to her platform, longing for her train to arrive so she could climb on board and get away from London. Go home and re-establish some semblance of order back into her life and mind. Yet despite her urging the train to hurry up, another louder voice wouldn’t stop suggesting to her that she could quite easily walk straight out of the station right now and seek out Nat.

  She ambled closer to her platform, her hands deep in her pockets, then stopped. Seven minutes to go. Ash looked up at the board, relieved and pained in equal measure that her train was still on time.

  Nat’s voice sounding next to her sent Ash’s heart pounding in her chest. She cast Nat a look and tried to ignore the accompanying flipping inside her stomach.

  “Oh. Hey.” Ash tried to look surprised. “What’re you doing here?” The convincing edge to her voice pleased her.

  “I…came to see you off.” Nat smiled at her. “I was at a loose end. Passing by. You know.”

  Passing by Paddington Station? Ash didn’t care whether it was true or not. She was here, and at that moment, that was all that mattered to her.

  “You didn’t have to,” Ash said, as blithely as she could muster.

  “I wanted to.”

  Ash saw Nat narrow her eyes and peer up at the board.

  “Well I’m glad you did,” Ash said. She followed Nat’s gaze up to the board, making sure she didn’t look at her. “Very glad.”

  “Well I needed to make sure you got on the right train.” Nat bumped her arm. “I know what you’re like.”

  You do. You know me better than anyone else.

  Ash felt Nat’s level gaze but didn’t answer. She wished she could, but no words would come. Instead, she hooked her thumbs into the straps of her rucksack and jiggled it higher onto her shoulders. In the corner of her eye she could see people starting to gather at the gate to her platform and knew it would soon be time for her to go.

  “I should…” She lifted her head in the direction of the platform.

  “Are you off?” Nat followed Ash’s look. “Is it time?”

  Ash started to walk away, knowing with every step that while she was happy to go home, she just didn’t want to leave Nat. As she walked, and Nat followed, Ash desperately wanted to talk to her about what had happened at the Common, or at the very least tell her how much she’d enjoyed the last few days. But she couldn’t. Instead, a deafening silence followed them, cranking open the awkwardness between them, it seemed to Ash, even further.

  “This is me, then.” Ash died inside at her politeness. She saw Nat look past her shoulder, to the train waiting for Ash, then back to her.

  “I…” This time Nat looked skyward.

  “I should go.” Ash’s heart thrummed a steady beat. There was so much she wanted to say. The more she thought about that, the faster her heart thumped. “So…I’ll see you Sunday?”

  “Yes, Sunday.”

  The awkwardness intensified. Wimbledon Common was confined to the past.

  Ash nodded, then turned to go. Before she knew it, Nat had pulled her back to her and gathered her in her arms, Ash returning the hug. When Ash went to pull away after a couple of seconds Nat squeezed even harder and spoke softly in her ear.

  “Not yet. Not quite yet.”

  Nat’s whispered words sent Ash’s senses spiralling high up into the station’s domed ceiling. She drew Nat closer still, melting into the hug, her body coming alive at the feel of Nat’s body against hers, forgetting everything else that was around them. But she knew it had to stop. Reluctantly, Ash pulled herself away, her confusion saddening her.

  Wasn’t this what she’d been wanting all morning? For Nat to appear at the station to say goodbye to her?

  “I can’t…” Ash shook her head. “I can’t do this.”

  “Can’t do what?” Nat’s face was a mixture of confusion and longing.

  “All this.” Ash hitched her rucksack higher and tried to ignore the nausea that was making her throat close. “Us.”

  “But”—Nat shook her head—“I thought you felt the same as I did.”

  “I don’t know what I feel any more, Nat.” Wasn’t that the truth? Ash stared up at the glass ceiling of the station, her heart feeling too big for her chest. “I think I’m past feeling anything other than confusion right now.”

  “You don’t have to feel like that,” Nat said, taking Ash’s hands. “There’s nothing to be confused about.”

  “There’s plenty to be confused about.” Ash laughed quietly.

  “But you must have felt the connection between us again, surely?” Nat asked. “Because I have.”

  “No.” Ash let her hands fall from Nat’s. “I can’t.”

  “It never went away, Ash,” Nat said. “I never stopped loving you.”

  Ash turned her head away. “I’ve heard this all before. Believed it all before. You telling m
e you loved me.”

  “But we were kids then.” The pain in Nat’s voice was evident. “Just kids. We’re both so different now.”

  “I was old enough back then to know that you nearly killed me.” Ash looked back at her. “I’m damned if I’ll let you do that to me again.”

  “Do you know how many times I nearly came back from medical school to tell you I was sorry?” Nat asked. “To tell you I’d been an idiot and to beg you to take me back?”

  Ash stared over towards her train, unable to formulate an answer. Voices ebbed and flowed around her; people bustled and bumped past her. But the only thing she was aware of was her and Nat, and the beating of her own heart.

  “I have to go,” she eventually said. “My train…”

  “Not until I’ve told you all the things I’ve been wanting to tell you for years,” Nat said. “About how I’ve felt about you all this time. About how I came this close to giving it all up.” Nat pinched her finger and thumb together. “I tried, Ash. I tried so hard.”

  “Yeah. Felt like it.” Ash rued her petulant tone.

  “All I knew was that you’d buggered off to Europe,” Nat said. She threw out her hands. “Where did I start? Where did I even start looking for you in Europe? France? Germany? How on earth could I know where you were?”

  “You didn’t need to come looking.” Ash turned away and looked over to her train, its doors still closed. “I went to Europe to get away from you. I didn’t want you finding me.” She didn’t need to look back to see the look on Nat’s face.

  “But that was all a very long time ago,” Nat said. “We’re sixteen years down the line from there.”