When I Knew You

by KE Payne

  “Just as well.” Gabe widened his eyes. “Ash hates anyone being sick on Doris.”

  “Doris?”

  “The boat.” Ash sat back down.

  “You named your boat?” Nat asked.

  “I know,” Gabe chipped in. “She’s crazy.”

  “I think it’s quite nice,” Nat said, meeting Ash’s eye. “Makes it more personal.”

  “See?” Ash tossed a cushion over to Gabe. “At least Nat understands me.”

  “Oh, I’d say Nat understands you very well,” Gabe said, catching the cushion and returning it with equal force.

  Chapter Sixteen

  “Her photos on the Internet don’t do her justice.”

  Ash fell into her chair. “What?” she asked.

  Gabe looked at her. “Nat,” he said, “I’d not got from her photos how nice she is.”

  It was just gone nine p.m. Ash, recently returned from taking an exhausted Nat to her B & B and now tired herself, wasn’t particularly in the mood to be discussing Nat with Gabe.

  “I guess.” She picked up a magazine and started flicking through it, not looking closely at either the words or pictures.

  “She get to her B and B okay?”

  “I took her,” Ash said, “so, yes.”

  “You know what I mean.”

  Ash looked up from her magazine. “Her B and B is perfect,” she said, “just as I knew it would be. That’s why I chose it.”

  “You text her to say you’re home okay?”

  “Why would I?” Ash put the magazine down onto her lap.

  “Because she’ll be worried,” Gabe said.

  “Dream on.”

  “She’ll be sitting in her cold room, waiting to hear from you.”

  “Stop taking the piss.” Ash tossed the magazine onto the floor by her feet. “You’re not even funny.”

  “I’m not taking the piss.” Gabe leaned forward. “You should text her.”

  “Fine, fine.” Ash launched herself over to the table next to her chair and picked up her phone. Back home now. Everything okay with you? xxx

  “Happy?” She dropped the phone down on the chair next to her, then looked down barely seconds later as it vibrated against her leg. She flashed a look to Gabe, irritated at the amused look on his face. “That won’t be her,” she said. “No one texts that fast.”

  Ash dismissed Gabe’s raised eyebrow.

  “Why are you such a stubborn bugger?” he asked.

  “I’m not.” Ash frowned. “I’m just not the sort of person who picks up their phone the second they hear it buzz.” She stole a glance at her phone, a secret smile bursting inside her when she saw the snippet of Nat’s reply before her screen darkened again.

  Everything great. As was today. What time shall we…

  “Yeah, right.” Gabe sat back. “Anyway, I wasn’t talking about the text.”

  “Oh.”

  “I was talking about why you’re fighting this thing with Nat.”

  “There’s no thing with Nat.” Ash air-quoted.

  “But there could be,” Gabe said.

  Ash shook her head. “Haven’t we had this conversation already?”

  “Yes, but that was before I’d met her,” Gabe replied. “I mean, come on. She’s gorgeous.”

  I know. Ash bit at her lip.

  “And you haven’t seen the way she looks at you when she knows you’re not looking,” Gabe said. “I have.” He studied her. “And you, lovely girl, can’t keep your eyes off her either.”

  Ash didn’t reply.

  “You know, you’re a completely different person when you’re around her,” Gabe continued. “This whole evening has shown that.”

  “I’m not.”

  “You really are,” Gabe said. “You’re the Ash I know and love. I’ve seen you around other people and you’re never like you were this evening with Nat. Relaxed, funny, animated, chatty.”

  Ash frowned. “I’m always chatty.”

  Gabe shook his head. “Only with me, and only because you’re comfortable with me. With other people you’re quieter. More reserved.” He looked at her. “You’re yourself around Nat. It was nice to see.”

  “We go way back,” Ash said, trying to keep her voice light. “Of course I’m going to be comfortable with her now I’ve become used to being around her again.” She rested her head against the back of her chair. “Anyway, I’m sure when she goes on Friday, everything will go back to normal and all these feelings I’ve been having will probably go.”

  “Probably?”

  “They will go.”

  “And if they don’t?”

  “They will. They have to.”

  ❖

  Ash’s boat was bobbing gently in the harbour, the seawater slapping at its sides with every swell.

  It was the next morning, one that had brought with it a sense of anticipation for Nat of the day ahead. Now, as she followed Ash down the short cobbled slipway, she tried to decide whether the boat really did look like a Doris. Funnily enough, she thought it did.

  It wasn’t as small as Nat had assumed it would be, and as they neared it, she shot Ash a quick look of admiration, seeing on her face as she did so the same pleasure she saw every time Ash spoke of her boat. Doris couldn’t have been cheap to buy, Nat realized, nor cheap to maintain, and it was obviously Ash’s absolute pride and joy. The thought warmed her.

  “So, this is her.” Ash spread her arms out in front of the boat.

  “Impressive.” Nat’s eyes roamed over the hull. “And most definitely a Doris.”

  “I said, didn’t I?” Ash grinned. “Gabe will never get that.”

  Nat waited while Ash stepped on board, then accepted the hand that was held out to her. With a slight wobble and a tight grab of Ash’s hand, she silently thanked herself that she managed to get on board without making too much of a fuss.

  “Grab a seat,” Ash said, signalling to one of the plastic seats. “I won’t be a moment.” She threw Nat a towel, then hopped back onto the harbourside in one leap.

  Nat put the picnic bag with their lunch in it onto the floor, then wiped a seat down with the towel, sat down, and watched as Ash busied herself with the boat’s ropes, jumping on and off the boat in such a quick, casual, and practiced way that Nat couldn’t help but watch her in awe.

  When Ash finally had finished unfurling the ropes, she returned to the stern of the boat, slipping a wide smile and a “You okay?” to Nat as she passed her. While Ash was occupied to the front of the boat, and with the sun now nicely warming her skin, Nat sat and watched as the scene before her slowly sprang into life. People wandered up and down the harbour, a couple of teenage boys sat dangling rods from its wall, hoping to catch something—anything, and other boat owners called across the water to one another. The overnight rain had finished long before she and Ash had even left the cottage, and now the sun had resumed its position just to the south of them. A few puddles remained from the earlier downpour, shimmering in the sun, while the large, fluffy clouds that scudded across the sky brought no danger of any further rain with them. It was, Nat thought as she lifted her face and squinted against the sun, perfect weather for a day out at sea.

  The invisible pull of Ash drew Nat’s gaze from the sunshine back towards her, still at the helm of the boat under her canopy. She was busy at the wheel, radio in one hand. Nat was mesmerized as she watched and listened to Ash, taking in her fluid movements and the command with which she spoke her requests into her radio. The tug on Nat’s heart was agony. She looked at Ash, wondering if she thought of the past as much as Nat had been just lately. Wondering if she still thought of the times they’d sneaked off to be alone, of the passion they once shared, of the connection they had that no one could have ever understood.

  Now Ash was moving around at the stern. Nat let her gaze absently roam Ash’s body, over her tanned skin, settling on her stomach as she saw brief glimpses of Ash’s toned muscles as her top rode up when she reached above her head to collect a map fr
om an overhead shelf. When her gaze reached Ash’s face, Ash was looking back at her. Their eyes locked, the flush of embarrassment at being caught out spreading across Nat’s face.

  “Is she going today?” A voice called down from the harbour wall.

  Nat snapped her head round to see a woman and two children looking down at her.

  “I’m sorry?” Nat called back, shielding her eyes from the sun.

  Why had she stared so long at Ash? Why?

  “The boat. The sign says no trips today, but…” The woman gesticulated to Nat.

  “Oh. No, sorry.” Nat shook her head. “This is a…uh…sort of private thing. Sorry.” She couldn’t help the dancing feeling she felt inside as she said it. A private thing.

  “Right. Cheers. I’ll try again further down.” The woman walked away.

  Nat slowly turned her head back to Ash, surprised to see Ash still looking at her. Their eyes met again, encouraging the dancing in Nat’s stomach to continue. It would be just Nat and Ash. At sea. All day. At that moment, Nat didn’t think she’d been as happy in a very long time.

  “Who was that?” Ash walked towards her.

  “Somebody wanted you.” Nat laughed. “Saw me and thought you were doing trips today.”

  “You just lost me money?” Ash gasped and clutched her chest. “I’m kidding you.” She flopped down next to Nat.

  “You sure?” Nat asked. “I can go and find them and—”

  “Today is about me and you and…thinking about Livvy,” Ash said quickly. “We’ll head out to sea and raise a glass—or rather, a mug of tea—in her memory. How does that sound?”

  Today is about me and you.

  Nat couldn’t think of anything nicer.

  ❖

  A salty breeze billowed Nat’s hair around her face as Ash’s boat finally left the shelter of the harbour and headed out to sea. The few gulls that had followed them, hanging on the wind and calling to one another high above their heads, soon lost interest the further out they sailed and glided back towards the harbour in search of a different food source. Ahead of her, Nat could see only blue, her line of sight periodically interrupted by the odd blob of white as she spotted other boats further out at sea, their masts ticking back and forth like metronomes as they bobbed and bounced on top of the waves.

  Nat stretched her arms out and rested them along the edge of the boat. Ash was occupied again up at the helm, her radio held to her mouth as she stood and steered the boat out to sea, one-handed. Nat watched her as she looked about her, talking rapidly into the radio, occasionally dipping her head to look out of her side window. Her sense of pride at watching Ash took Nat quite by surprise. She’d have never have guessed at eighteen that Ash would have been the success she so obviously was. Her pride, though, quickly faded to regret. How could she have got Ash so wrong all those years ago? How could she have had her down as being the one that would hold her back?

  How could she have let Ash be the one she let get away?

  Nat stared down at her feet. Ash had more integrity and grit than anyone she’d ever known, and yet she’d treated her terribly. But there was no bitterness from Ash at what Nat had done. No hate. Instead, she’d accepted her back into her life—albeit temporarily—as a friend and spoiled her and treated her just as much as she’d done when she was eighteen. Nat blinked down at the ground. Ash had always made her feel so special. Like she was everything to her, like no one else in the world mattered. Today felt just the same.

  Today is about me and you.

  Butterflies fluttered inside Nat as she thought about Ash’s words, and the way she’d said them. Images on Wimbledon Common returned to her: faces inches apart, eyes locked on one another’s. Skin touching skin. The urge Nat had had to kiss her that day had been overwhelming, and she was sure if her attention hadn’t been drawn away by Chloe’s laugh signalling her impending return, she would have done.

  Nat stole another look to Ash, fighting the urge to go to her right now, circle her arms around her, and tell her just how she felt. But, like kissing her, to do that would ruin everything. Confuse everything. Change everything. Nat blinked again, harder this time, trying to hold back the vivid thought that was now trampling through her mind with such energy she drew breath from the force of it.

  Change everything.

  The panic that had left her alone since she’d arrived in Cornwall rose and fell with every breath Nat took. Her eyes darted to Ash, up at the bow of her boat, oblivious to Nat’s rising anxiety. Just like at Claridge’s, Nat was desperate not to let her see, but her brain was now chanting a mantra that Nat couldn’t stop. Belfast was accelerating towards her at breakneck speed and she was terrified about it; she already knew that, but this panic held a distinct shift in its threat. Her life was changing and running out of control, and Nat knew the only person she trusted to calm her fears was Ash. Nat’s heart pounded. But Ash would be history to her again in a few days, and then Nat would be on her own, forced to fight her demons alone again.

  She didn’t want to have to fight them on her own any more.

  Sure, she’d been single for such a long time now, it was almost second nature to her. But just feet from her was someone she loved deeply, and who made everything in Nat’s life right now so much better. When they parted again, then what? The loneliness that Nat had forced herself to accept as being normal would return and the regrets of what she did would start to haunt her again. The panic attacks would still dominate her. She was lonely in London and would be lonelier still in Belfast. Panicky in London. She’d be worse in Belfast, she just knew it. It would never end.

  Nat teased at the bracelet on her wrist, seeking comfort in its soft material, and concentrated on her breathing. She sang a song in her head, and counted the now-sporadic gulls flying over the boat.

  One, two, three, four…

  Her heart began to slow and the invisible band that was pulled tight around her chest, restricting her breathing, gradually loosened its iron grip. She lifted her head to Ash, hearing her whistling to herself, and Nat smiled at the sound. Ash was happy. Ash had made this life for herself down by the sea, and she was happy. How could Nat possibly think that she hadn’t confused things by telling Ash in London that she still loved her? Ash had been right; she still burned with trust issues, and Nat understood that, because she was the maker of those issues.

  Nat watched Ash and shook her head. It all felt hopelessly tangled. All of it. And each time she thought she might have managed to untangle it a little, another irrational thought came along straight away that just tied it all up further still.

  Nat had coped before, hadn’t she? Without Ash? So if she wanted to untangle her thoughts, then she’d just have to resign herself to doing what she’d done for years once this week was over: She’d have to just manage. Alone.

  In that moment, with a sinking heart but with the sound of Ash’s whistling still in her ears, she knew the best thing for both of them was for her to enjoy what little time they had left together, then disappear to Ireland next month and never see Ash again.

  ❖

  The sunlight hitting Nat’s hair brought out the beautiful tones Ash had always adored. As she sat opposite her watching Nat as she gazed out to sea, Ash thought she’d rarely seen someone look quite so resigned to something. Sure, gone was the jumpy, almost harrowed aspect she’d noticed in London, but still something about Nat’s demeanour remained, and Ash knew she wanted to get to the bottom of it.

  They had berthed in the shallows of St. Kerryan Cove, a beach so secluded that legend was it used to be a favourite haunt of the smugglers who once ruled the seas around the bay. But sitting on a boat on the sandbanks of an isolated beach in the autumn sunshine, Ash thought as she stared at the sadness etched on Nat’s face, should make her happy, not sad.

  “What?” Nat’s laugh was slight.

  Ash looked away, embarrassed. How long had she been staring at her?

  “Just thinking.” Ash met her gaze again.

&n
bsp; “That…?”

  “You looked deep in thought.”

  “Did I?” Nat asked. She looked away, apparently unable or unwilling to elaborate.

  “What were you thinking?” Ash pressed. “You should have no thoughts in such a place as this, other than how beautiful it all is.”

  “Oh, it is,” Nat said. “Beautiful, I mean.” She shrugged. “No, my mind is pleasantly vacant.”

  Ash recognized the look on Nat’s face. The one that told her that what she’d said hadn’t been the entire truth.

  “When we were…together,” Ash said, hearing a slight hesitancy in her voice, “sometimes you’d say things were okay when they weren’t.” She looked down at her hands. “The night we parted, for example.”

  Ash’s mind filled with memories, all painful. Still all so painful.

  “Ash, I don’t want to rake up old—”

  “Neither do I.” Ash interrupted. “All I’m trying to say is if you want to talk, I’m here to listen.”

  The look on Nat’s face wasn’t lost on Ash.

  “Talk about what?” Nat cut her glance away from Ash. When her eyes returned to Ash’s, Ash noticed the sadness in them. “Yeah, maybe that would be nice. To talk.”

  “I know you.” Ash smiled. “You must remember I know you too well.”

  “You know me better than anyone.” Nat looked down at her hands. “Always did.”

  “So I know when there’s something niggling at you,” Ash said. “Something so bothersome it follows you from London down here.” She dipped her head a little to catch Nat’s eye. “And no one should be bothered when they’re sitting on Doris in St. Kerryan Cove.” She was gratified at the smile she’d managed to elicit from Nat. “That’s better.”

  When Nat lifted her head, Ash saw her eyes were filmed with tears. In an instant she was at her side.

  “Hey.” She put her hand on Nat’s arm. “No tears. They’re the rules. No tears on Doris. She doesn’t like it.”

  “Sorry, Doris.” Nat’s voice was barely audible.

  “I didn’t mean to upset you,” Ash said.