When I Knew You

by KE Payne

  “Last time I heard a swearword like that it was from a sailor.”

  Ash turned to see Nat leaning against the door frame to her front room, her arms crossed against her chest.

  “Stupid jacket wouldn’t go on.” Even to Ash’s own ears she sounded childish, and she couldn’t help the smile that tugged at her lips.

  “Where’s your sling?” Nat pointed to Ash’s arm.

  “There.” Ash threw a look down to her sofa.

  “You need to wear it.” Nat pushed herself away from the door frame and came over to Ash. “Put your jacket over it.”

  Ash stood, feeling every inch the naughty child, as Nat retrieved first the sling from the sofa, then Ash’s jacket from the floor. She watched Nat as she adjusted the sling, seeing a hint of a frown cross her face, then waited for her to return to her.

  “Here.” Nat stood in front of Ash and looped the sling over her head. “Give me your arm.”

  Ash did as she was told, offering her arm to Nat’s outstretched hand. Nat took Ash’s wrist and eased her arm into the sling, her hand gentle against Ash’s skin. Ash stared at Nat’s hand touching her, her skin soft on hers. She met Nat’s gaze.

  They didn’t speak, choosing instead to search each other’s eyes. Ash wondered if Nat was seeking answers to the same questions Ash was secretly harbouring. Time seemed to stand still, neither willing to break their gaze or move away.

  “Ash…” Finally Nat spoke, then slowly, tentatively, lifted her hand and traced her finger across Ash’s cheek. Her touch set Ash’s skin on fire and she felt herself melting into Nat’s touch as she watched Nat’s skin flush, her eyes darken. She’d spent so many years thinking she hated Nat, had wasted so much time asking herself over and over why Nat’d done what she’d done. But she didn’t hate her. She loved her.

  Their faces were inches apart, lips just a second away from colliding. It would be so easy to give in to it, to lose herself in Nat again. To let Nat back into her life.

  Ash blinked then stepped back. The room closed in around her, the walls crushing her, deepening her breathing, making her heart pound. When her eyes found Nat’s again, she saw the obvious desire in them. Ash turned away, snatching her jacket from the back of her sofa.

  “We should go”—she cleared her throat—“while it’s still sunny.”

  Not daring to chance seeing the look on Nat’s face again, she brushed past her and hastened from the room.

  ❖

  The golden dunes of St. Kerryan beach beckoned as they walked in silence along the cliff path heading away from Holly Cottage. Nat’s mind was in turmoil. She knew she’d instigated the moment, making the first move by touching Ash’s face, but the truth was, she’d been unable to help herself. There had been something about the way Ash had been struggling with her jacket, her face a picture of pain and frustration, that had brought all Nat’s protective instincts to the fore again. They would have kissed too, Nat was sure of it, and she’d never wanted anything more in her life. The ache that had been left on her lips told her that.

  But Ash had pulled away. Nat slid a look to her as she walked beside her, her head turned towards Widgeon who was running some way to the side of them.

  Ash had felt it too, Nat was sure. She’d seen it in her eyes. Why hadn’t she been able to give in to it, like Nat knew she would have done? The tension had grown steadily between them over the last two weeks, the barriers that had initially been up had slowly come down. Yet Ash still was unable to give herself to Nat.

  She sensed Ash slowing as she watched out for Widgeon who had run across the dunes in pursuit of an invisible rabbit. Nat walked on, alone with her thoughts, the wind buffing around her stirring up more thoughts. Their carefree teenage years returned to her as her feet sank into the soft sand, vivid and beautiful memories of whispered declarations of love, of the passion they’d once shared. Now, though, they were adults, still able to ignite the same fire they had when they were teenagers. Still able to weaken the other just by a touch or a look.

  Nat slowed and looked back to Ash. She knew Ash had been staring at her and she stopped and held her gaze, as though she were trying to find out what Ash was thinking. If only she could read her mind right now. Ash’s face as she approached her gave nothing away, but her eyes told a different story, speaking to Nat of confusion and hope.

  ❖

  Ash pulled her gaze away from Nat’s as she got ever closer to her, tuning instead into Widgeon in an attempt to distract herself from Nat’s intense stare. Her mind twisted and turned as she tried to make sense of what had happened back at her cottage. What had nearly happened.

  She’d come so close to giving in. She felt close to defeat, but while her mind felt fuzzy with confusion over her feelings for Nat, her heart was clear in what it wanted. It would have been so easy just to give in, Ash thought, to the desires that had grown in intensity over the last week. So easy…until she remembered that, this time tomorrow, Nat would be gone.

  Ash looked up. Nat was waiting for her. As Ash picked up her pace, Nat started walking again, slowly enough to allow Ash to fall into step with her. They walked, side by side again, their footsteps crunching on the hard sand of the path, drowning out the thoughts in Ash’s head.

  “This way.” Ash’s words broke the silence between them.

  She veered off to her right, her shoes immediately sinking into the softer sand of the dunes, her steps becoming more unsteady on the undulating ground. Tufts of grass poked out from the sand, their strands waving like lustrous hair in the breeze, while further down on the beach, lines of people and dogs dotted the sea’s edge.

  They stumbled further along the dunes, the drag of the sand pulling on Ash’s muscles enough to make her want to stop and catch her breath for a while.

  “Shall we sit down?” She stopped and bent over, leaning one hand on her leg. “This is killing me.”

  “Your shoulder?” Nat’s hand rested on Ash’s arm.

  “Legs.” Ash shook her head and laughed. “I think I’m getting old.”

  “You know, yesterday will have taken it out of you too.” Nat guided Ash down onto the sand. “But, yes, you’re probably getting old too.” She flopped down beside Ash. “I mean, come on. You will be thirty-six in February. You’re ancient.” She gently bumped her arm.

  “You remember my birthday?”

  “Of course I do,” Nat replied. “You were born on the fourth of February in Guildford Hospital at around”—she raised her eyes—“ten a.m., I think your parents said. Oh, and on a Tuesday, which makes you full of grace.”

  “And you were born on a Sunday, if I remember correctly,” Ash said, “which makes you good and gay.”

  “Correct on both counts.”

  They laughed together, their eyes meeting as they did so.

  “Your favourite meal is lasagna,” Nat continued, “your favourite colour is blue, you hate reggae, and you prefer dogs to cats although it’s a close-run thing because you’re pretty potty about cats too, even though you can’t have one because they make you sneeze too much.”

  “Very good.” Ash nodded. “Well remembered.”

  “I remember everything about you, Ash,” Nat said. “Everything.” She looked away, then back to her. “You’ve never left me.”

  Ash stared out to sea. There was so much she wanted to say to Nat, so much she wanted her to know.

  “That last day at school,” Ash said. She dug her heels down into the sand, enjoying the sharp stretch on her calf muscles. “If I’d known that would be the last time I saw you, I’d have tried to remember your face.” She looked at her. “So I could have carried your image with me everywhere I went, in here.” She tapped the side of her head. “No one ever came close to you, Nat. No one.” She drew in a deep breath and looked away, knowing she was tired of trying to fight it any more.

  “I never wanted to end things with you, Ash,” Nat said. “You have to believe me. I was…in a bad place. I felt everything was out of control.” She laug
hed through her nose, her laugh sounding bitter. “No change there, then.”

  “You feel out of control now?” Ash asked.

  “Everything’s happening too fast.” Nat paused, then hastily added, “Ireland, I mean.” She frowned. “I want to slow time down. Make the time I’ve got left here last forever.”

  Her eyes fluttered open, finding Ash’s, their gazes locking in an expression of mutual longing.

  “But it is happening, isn’t it?” Ash said quietly. “And neither of us can slow any of it down.”

  When Nat didn’t answer, Ash turned her head away, scanning the dunes for Widgeon, desperate to break the tension that now crackled between them. When she turned back and saw the expectation in Nat’s eyes, the pain was almost unbearable.

  ❖

  By the time they returned from the dunes, the clock had already stretched well past midday and was rapidly heading towards one. With Widgeon racing ahead of them up towards Holly Cottage, Ash’s thoughts turned to Chloe, now just half an hour away from them, and she stopped suddenly in the middle of the path.

  “The truck,” she said, shaking her head. “How can I fetch Chloe in it?”

  “I’m already on it.” Nat spoke back over her shoulder to her. “I told her Gabe would collect her. He won’t mind, will he?”

  “No, he won’t mind,” Ash said, falling into step beside Nat, “except for the fact right now he’s about two miles out into the English Channel with a group of wildlife photographers.”

  She sensed Nat slow her pace.

  “Ash, I’m so sorry,” Nat said. “I just didn’t think. I assumed he’d be here, and I told Chloe—”

  “Chill.” Ash put her hand on Nat’s arm. “Truro’s only a few miles from here. I’ll just drive one-handed.”

  “You won’t.”

  The chiding tone in Nat’s voice made Ash smile.

  “I’ll drive,” Nat said. “I was the one that made the mistake, so I’ll drive us.”

  “In my truck?” Ash asked.

  “No, in a tractor I’ll steal from a local farmer,” Nat said. “Of course in your truck.”

  “When did you last drive?” Ash asked. “You don’t have a car any more. You told me that when we were in London.”

  “Hmm…when did I last drive?” Nat appeared deep in thought. “Let me think…”

  “You see, that doesn’t really instil much confidence in me,” Ash said.

  “It’s like riding a bike, isn’t it?” Nat said. “You never forget.”

  “Didn’t you have trouble on the bikes in Hyde Park last week?” Ash bumped Nat’s arm, then clutched her own arm as her shoulder jarred.

  Nat stopped walking.

  “Do you ever learn?” she asked, shaking her head.

  A grin spread across Ash’s face. “Nope.”

  ❖

  “So, reverse is lift and up to the left.” Ash closed her hand over Nat’s on the gear stick, lifted it with her, and engaged reverse gear. “Got it?”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  “Ignition stick is in the usual place,” Ash said, leaning across Nat, “and headlights are here, if you need them.”

  “Are you expecting a blackout?” Nat asked. “Armageddon? The end of the world?”

  “Sorry?”

  “Why would I need the headlights at one o’clock in the afternoon?” Nat asked.

  “You never know.” The look on Nat’s face made Ash smile. “Okay, fair point. But you know where everything else is, yes?”

  “Yes.”

  “Then I guess we should go,” Ash said. “End of the lane, take a right.”

  “Is this going to be like a driving test?” Nat asked, releasing the hand brake. “Will you pass or fail me?”

  “I’ll let you know at Truro.”

  The truck crunched over the gravel on the track leading from Holly Cottage and slid out onto the lane. Ash sat back in her seat and watched the hedges that lined the lane blur as Nat picked up her speed and headed out towards the main road leading out of St. Kerryan. As the miles sped past and they drove ever closer to the station, her mind tumbled back over the last forty-eight hours: To their time on the boat when they’d just talked and talked. To the walk up Brown Willy. To their companionship, and the feeling of comfort she felt around Nat.

  She rolled her head and stole a look to her. Nat was concentrating hard on driving, and Ash knew she was, in all probability, terrified at driving her truck, despite all her bravado back at the cottage. Ash’s thoughts raced ahead of her, to arriving at the station and seeing Chloe again. Would Chloe being back with them change the dynamics between her and Nat? Would the chemistry, that had been so evident just lately, disappear as if it had never existed?

  “Take the next exit,” Ash said, returning her gaze to the road. “Then a right off the roundabout.”

  From the corner of her eye she saw Nat nod, but she didn’t answer.

  Equally, Ash wondered as Nat pulled the truck off the main road, would Chloe notice a difference in them? The girl was switched on, tuned, it seemed in London, to every look and word. Ash now wondered if what was so blindingly obvious to her would be as obvious to Chloe.

  “Next left?” Nat’s voice cut through Ash’s thoughts. “It says Truro Station parking, but is there a pickup and drop-off point somewhere else?”

  “No, go down there,” Ash said, pointing left. “The pickup point is next to the car park. We’ll just park up and wait.” Her eyes fell onto the clock on the truck’s dash. “It’s half past one now, so we won’t have long to wait.”

  Nat swung the truck into the station’s forecourt and pulled up next to the car park. As she killed the engine, Ash peered out of her window, expecting to see a train at the platform. While she looked out, she heard Nat rustle next to her, then heard a beep from her phone. She turned to see Nat scrutinizing her phone, her brow creased.

  “Look like it’s delayed,” Nat murmured. “Twenty minutes.”

  Ash crossed her arms and settled back further in her seat.

  “We’ll have to play I Spy,” she said, nestling her head against the headrest.

  “We could talk,” Nat suggested.

  Ash looked at her.

  “I figure once Chloe arrives, we won’t get any time alone,” Nat continued. “To…talk. Like we have been.” Nat held Ash’s look. “It’s been nice.”

  Ash unbuckled her seat belt and moved in her seat. “It has,” she agreed. “Being with you alone down here, even just for a few days, has been awesome.”

  “Like it used to be?” Nat offered. “All those years ago?”

  Ash moved again. “No.” Her voice faltered. “Different to how it used to be.”

  The truck’s cabin suddenly felt smaller than it had on the journey over. Nat’s leg felt closer to Ash’s, her arm seemed to brush hers with every small movement.

  “Does it feel better than it used to?” Nat asked. “Because for me it does.” Nat’s eyes didn’t leave hers. “Getting to know you all over again makes it feel better. I like the adult you’ve become. I like how we’ve become.”

  The low sun filtering in through the truck’s windows warmed Ash’s skin. Her proximity to Nat, in the confines of the cabin, warmed her further, and while Nat still spoke, she felt herself drifting ever closer to her.

  “I like that we’re so comfortable with one another,” Nat said. “And when I think how awkward everything was between us, even just last week, I can’t believe how far we’ve come.”

  Ash stared at her, uncomfortable at the direction of their conversation, and equally uneasy at the intensity of feeling she knew was increasing with every look and movement inside the truck.

  “Don’t you feel it?” Nat asked. “Ash? Don’t you feel there’s something?”

  “I still think we should play I Spy.” Ash knew she was taking the coward’s way out. She looked out of the side window. “We’ve got a little bit to wait yet.”

  As Ash stared out of the window, she was aware of Nat breathi
ng softly next to her.

  “Okay,” Nat finally answered. “You still don’t want to talk, right?”

  “Chloe will be here any minute.” Ash shrugged, but didn’t look back to Nat.

  “Ash. I…”

  “Something beginning with T.” Still Ash didn’t look at her.

  “Fine.” Nat sighed, then was silent for a moment. “Tree.”

  “That was too easy, wasn’t it?” Ash flashed her a smile.

  “Just a bit.”

  Another silence returned, this time punctuated by another sigh from Nat.

  When the silence became too much, Ash said to her side window, “I have to say, when I saw you again at Livvy’s funeral, I never imagined that weeks later I’d be sitting in my truck playing crap I Spy with you.”

  “So you did see me at the funeral,” Nat said.

  Ash turned nodded. “I didn’t want to talk to you,” she said. “I was so stupid.”

  “I think we both were.” Nat smiled, and as she began to speak again, a cargo train slowly rumbled past them on the tracks, drowning out the last of her words. Once it had passed, she said, “You could have had train just now if your timing had been better.”

  They both watched as the train disappeared from view.

  “What do you suppose was on it?” Nat murmured.

  Ash crossed her arms again and sank down further in her seat, already bored of I Spy. “I don’t know,” she said. “Hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of…” She let her words hang in the air until Nat nudged her.

  “Of what?” Nat asked.

  “Elephants.”

  “Stop it.”

  “Saucepans.”

  “You’re nuts.”

  “Chocolate teapots.”

  “Mad as a hatter.”

  Ash slowly turned her head to look at Nat. “And you know it.”

  Nat met her gaze. “Yeah, I know it,” she said.

  As they looked at one another, the energy that had surrounded them, but which had then lifted slightly during their all too brief attempt at I Spy, returned. It was insane, Ash thought, sitting in her truck with Nat, too scared to move in case they touched one another, so nervous at the knowledge that was the one thing she really wanted to do right now. Their game forgotten, and knowing she shouldn’t, Ash slowly placed her right hand on Nat’s leg. When Nat didn’t object, Ash traced her finger lightly up and down the material of her jeans. Glimpses from the past ebbed and flowed in Ash’s mind, of moments just like these: the two of them entwined, so comfortable in one another’s company, lost in one another’s gaze. Snapshots that were so stark, Ash felt the hot spread of tears threatening the backs of her eyes.