Big Sexy Love: The laugh out loud romantic comedy that everyone's raving about!

by Kirsty Greenwood

  I feel my cheeks turning red with pleasure. ‘I barely did anything.’

  ‘Of course you did. Pizza flap?’ He pulls a face and slides his glasses up his nose. ‘I mean, who comes up with pizza flap?’

  ‘I had the best time,’ I say with a wistful sigh. ‘I can’t believe people get to do that as a job.’

  ‘You could get to do that as a job,’ Seth says, his face turning serious. ‘I mean, you know, you’d have to get experience, take improv classes, write practice sketches, maybe even do some formal comedy training. But it’s completely possible.’

  I shake my head and shield my embarrassment at his compliments by taking three large gulps of water.

  As he continues talking about the opportunities out there for someone like me to get into comedy writing, my breath catches in my throat, my stomach flipping over in a pleasant way. Because all at once I know, I am certain, that that’s exactly what I want to do with the rest of my life.

  Who’d have thought?

  After an incredible meal of roasted oysters followed by grilled garlic lamb with market greens, we leave the restaurant and step into the unseasonalbly warm evening. Seth suggests we wander around to a nearby ice cream shop to get a couple of small desserts.

  On the way, we pass by Gramercy Park. I can’t see much through the cast-iron fence but I notice that there are little twinkle lights strung up inside the garden. It looks so pretty.

  And then something occurs to me.

  ‘Wait,’ I say to Seth. ‘Hold on a sec.’

  I reach into my bag and pull out my little coin pouch. I pinch my fingers inside and pull out the key I stole. I hold it up to Seth.

  ‘You still have it? I thought the police took it back!’

  I shake my head. ‘It was in my pink bum bag, in this little pouch. The day I was arrested I was wearing my satchel!’

  ‘We couldn’t,’ Seth breathes, eyes glittering.

  I raise an eyebrow. ‘What happened to super chill “arent we all looking for excitement” Seth Hartman?’

  I dramatically creep towards the gate and gently slide the key into the lock.

  ‘You’re really doing this?’ Seth laughs. ‘You’re actually going to break in?’

  ‘It’s not breaking in if you have a key! It’s gorgeous in there. You have to see it.’

  I push open the gate door, grab Seth’s hand and lead him inside.

  ‘Wow,’ he whispers.

  ‘I know!’ I look up at the hedges strung with fairy lights and the gravelled pathways lit by little lanterns.

  We walk down the path into the centre of the garden, where Seth pulls out his phone and fiddles with the buttons until the gruff soulful voice of Otis Redding’s I’ve Been Loving You Too Long rings its way into the air.

  ‘Would you dance with me?’ he asks, bowing his head a little.

  I blink. I have never been asked to dance before in my life. I feel my cheeks turn red.

  ‘Alright then,’ I say quietly, reaching up to put my arms around his neck.

  As the evening spring breeze whips around us, Seth presses his hands onto the small of my back and we sway underneath the trees and the stars, the only two people in this beautiful park, in this big old city. My heart thuds in my ribcage, and when I lay my head against his chest, I hear that his heart thudding too.

  I lean back and study his face. I want to kiss him. If we kissed right here it would surely be the most romantic moment anyone had ever had in life.

  But before anything kiss-related can happen, the music changes to the next Otis Redding track on the album – the super sexy Love Man.

  I burst into laughter as Seth steps away from me and comically swirls his hips from side to side, a dumb pervy expression on his face. It’s so funny that I decide to do the same thing, putting my hands on my hips and rolling them around like I’m doing a hula hoop. I pull a stupid face as I’m doing it and Seth starts to laugh too, clutching his stomach with amusement.

  The two of us saucily dance our way around the park. Seth wiggles and twirls around a bush. Getting well and truly into the spirit of the bit, I start to fake hump a tree which causes tears of mirth to roll from Seth’s eyes.

  When the song ends it takes us a whole ten minutes to stop giggling. I can’t remember the last time I had this much fun with anyone other than Birdie. In fact, I’m pretty sure I never have!

  After sneaking back out of the park, we find a bench to sit on so I can check my email again and see if any leads have come through about Chuck. But nope. Nothing. Then I check the burner phone that Anders bought for our mission, making doubly sure that all the notification volumes are as high as they can go. But no-one has tried to get through on that, either! I sigh and put the phones back in my bag.

  ‘No luck?’ Seth asks.

  ‘No.’ I shake my head, confused. ‘We must have given out a gazillion leaflets. I thought we’d have at least a few calls.’

  ‘Did you hear from any of Sharon’s contacts?’

  ‘No.’ I sigh. ‘I’ll chase them up tomorrow.’

  ‘I’ll text her, see if she can chase them. People don’t generally leave Sharon hanging!’

  I eye him as he taps a text out on his phone. He has her personal number then.

  ‘You know her well?’ I ask super, super casually.

  Seth nods and leans back against the bench. ‘We used to date.’

  I knew it. I may not be clued up in the ways of sexual adulting, but I could completely tell that they had history.

  ‘Cool. Cool,’ I say nonchalantly. ‘So what happened? Why did it end? When did you break up? What’s the story?’ I add, completely ruining my casual vibe.

  Seth puts his phone pack into his shirt pocket and turns to me. ‘We were together for about a year and she cheated on me,’ he says it very matter-of-fact. So matter-of-factly that he was evidently hurt by it.

  ‘Shit,’ I say. ‘That’s horrible.’

  Seth nods, giving a small empty laugh. ‘It was. She always told fibs, little white lies, exaggerations. I hate liars – hate them – but I figured they were little lies, harmless. And she’s in PR after all, and that whole deal is about putting a spin on shit. But she lied about sleeping with someone else for three months. Not such a little or harmless lie. I had completely trusted her. I felt like such an idiot.’

  ‘Gross! I’m sorry that happened to you.’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘And you still have to work with her! Ick.’

  Seth shrugs. ‘Ah, I’m over it now. We’re learning to be friends again. I mean, we were never right for each other in a romantic way so I’m glad it happened. I tend to stay in long relationships, so if she hadn’t have cheated I’d probably still be with her now.’

  Does that mean he still has feelings for her?

  I hope not.

  Not that it should matter to me…

  ‘Oh.’ I say casually.

  Seth nods. ‘Plus she farted in her sleep. At first I thought it was cute. But sometimes they were so loud they literally woke me up.’

  ‘We all do farts in our sleep!’

  ‘Sure. I bet yours smell like fresh spring blooms.’

  ‘They do. And on that note I propose a subject change!’

  And by subject change I mean that perhaps it’s about time to do some kissing. I’ve been watching his lips moving all night and have been able to think of nothing but what they will feel like on my neck. Pressed against my belly. On my…

  ‘Olive?’

  Seth’s voice interrupts my fantasy. I’m drooling a little bit.

  He’s grinning at me, his tongue poking out. I scooch towards him so that our thighs are touching.

  His eyes run over my face me like he wants to eat me up for a second dessert.

  I nudge my knee against his and turn so that I’m properly facing him.

  He moves his face closer to mine. Closer, closer, closer and then.

  He sighs.

  And it’s not a sexy sigh full of longing and d
esire. It’s a full-on negative sigh.

  What?

  Why is he sighing?

  I lean back and look at him expectantly.

  ‘Sorry. I’m just thinking about all that shit with Sharon.’

  ‘Don’t think about that!’ I say, waving my hands madly as if I am shooing all thoughts of his ex away. ‘Think about your new job! About those oysters we just had!’ I force myself to be brave. ‘Think about me!’

  ‘That’s the problem.’ Seth looks down at his hands. ‘I can’t stop thinking about you.’

  ‘Why… why is that a problem?’ I ask, completely confused.

  ‘Because Colin! I’m talking about Sharon cheating on me and here we are. You’re engaged. Don’t you feel bad? I know we’ve not… but…’

  Colin? Who the hell is… Oh shit Colin. And my fake engagement.

  I open my mouth to tell Seth that Colin is basically a stranger. That I knew him for a very nerve-wracking hour in the airport and that, while we exchanged a few flirty texts and I thought he might have been a sensible option for a future date, he doesn’t give me the wibbles like Seth. And I want those wibbles. Now that I’ve had them I want them all the time. Plus Colin emailed me, like, eighteen shit memes. That’s unforgivable.

  But… I can’t confess that now! How can I? Seth clearly already knows I’m crazy, but he’s just explicitly stated that he hates liars. And I… am a total liar. What happens if I tell him that I have been lying to him about being engaged? He’s mentioned Colin on more than a few occasions and I’ve never corrected him. I didn’t expect that we would see each other again! And if I tell him now, I might never get to have the fling that I am feeling, very very firmly, that I should have with him.

  ‘You’re feeling guilty, I know. You look so gloomy,’ Seth says gently. ‘Don’t beat yourself up. We just got caught up, I guess… Fuck.’ He shakes his head in frustration.

  I’m not feeling gloomy about Colin. I’m feeling gloomy that the one time in my adult life I am feeling so attracted to someone that I can’t quite control it, a made-up fiancé is getting in the way.

  Argh. I fancy Seth so much. I mean… I’m going home in a few days. I’ll probably never see him again… Who knows when I’ll feel like this about anyone again. If I will.

  I look at Seth’s strong, stubble covered jaw. His twinkling, clever eyes behind his dorky glasses. His forearms. The way he smells. The way he tastes. I am ready. If I leave New York without having this little fling with Seth, I might regret it for the rest of my life. I’ll just be thinking about it all the time, wondering what it would have been like. I won’t be able to concentrate on anything else! Forever! And although I seem to becoming more comfortable with the idea of small risks, this is one I’m not willing to take.

  So I take a deep breath and do the only thing that makes sense to do right now.

  I do what Birdie would do: tell just a few more teeny, tiny fibs.

  I fiddle with the clip in my hair. ‘I feel so bad about Colin,’ I say awkwardly. ‘But… the truth is… I’m not sure about…’

  ‘What?’ He says, seeming to perk up a little.

  ‘He’s the only person I’ve ever been with…’

  Seth’s eyes widen, his mouth making an ‘o’ shape.

  This is only a half-lie. I have only ever been with one person. I mean, it wasn’t Colin. It was a guy called Guy during my Fresher’s week at university. But still. A half-lie means it’s a half truth. Which isn’t so bad.

  ‘One person? Wow.’

  ‘Mmmhmm.’ I nod. ‘And the thing is… if I’ve only been with one person, how do I know if… he’s the right person?’

  Seth frowns. ‘But you got engaged to him… surely you think he’s the right person… don’t you?’

  Argh. He’s making this hard. Why does he have to be so honourable? Ugh!

  ‘Erm… I mean. I think… maybe in the future, what if I decide that I never got enough experience? And I feel resentful that I only ever slept with… Colin?’ I nod, getting into my stride. ‘And we end up getting divorced?’

  Shit. Am I really going in with this angle?

  A breeze whips past, rustling the trees above us, mussing Seth’s light brown hair across his forehead and carrying that gorgeous fig cologne of his under my nose.

  Yes. Yes, I most certainly am going in with this angle.

  ‘What if we get divorced because I had never been with anyone else?’ I ask. ‘What if…’ I hold a finger in the air like a professor giving a lecture. ‘What if we have kids? And I get divorced! Think of the kids. The kids with no mum because she only ever slept with one man.’

  Seth shakes his head. ‘What are you saying?’

  I’m no longer sure. But I’m saying it anyway.

  ‘I’m… I’m saying… I’m just worried that I haven’t had enough experience. And that maybe… a… fling… might be… okay.’

  ‘A fling?’

  I try to read his expression. To see if my ruthless shtick is working. But he’s giving nothing away. He’s just watching me very intently.

  I swallow, my mouth feeling a bit dry. ‘I’m going home in a few days.’

  ‘Right.’

  ‘And then we’ll be entire continents apart, so technically it would never happen again.’

  ‘Right.’

  ‘And then I could spend the rest of my life with Colin, knowing that I had… um, sowed my wild oats.’

  ‘Technically, this would be the kind thing to do. For Colin. And your future children?’

  ‘Yes. Exactly. Not really cheating. Just… protecting against possible future doubts. For the, um, children.’

  Seth’s eyes flick to my lips. ‘And we won’t ever see each other again after next week,’ he says. ‘So…’

  ‘So…’ I add.

  And I don’t know who grabs who, but we are kissing again. And he is so clever at kissing that my body wants to climb atop his body and just cling to it like a koala on a tree.

  Holy heck.

  Seth somehow manoeuvres us into a standing position and moves us towards the road, where his arm is frantically waving for a cab.

  Why aren’t any cabs stopping? I can’t hold out much longer!

  Seth continues holding his hand out, but I’m not feeling quite so patient.

  ‘OI!’ I yell, super aggressive like the elderly woman on the Upper West Side taught me. ‘OOOOIIIIIII!’ Immediately a cab comes to a screeching halt right beside us.

  ‘Nice!’ Seth says, impressed. ‘You’re definitely getting the hang of this whole New York thing.’

  ‘Little bit,’ I say, closing the cab door behind us and planting my lips immediately back onto his.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Text from Colin: Did you get the memes I sent? I didn’t hear back… Let me know and I can send more. There are so many good ones. Hope you are all right and everything is going well back home in Manchester. How is the weather there? Still very hot here in the land of oz!! Not as hot as you though. Haha.

  If the whole engagement to Colin was a real thing, it would be off. I’d have dumped him. Sayonara Colin. Your sideburns are cute but our textual chemistry is lacking and oh my goodness Seth.

  Man. Oh. Man. Seth.

  We’re doing it. We are having sex. I am having sex. Seth is having sex with me. We are at his apartment in the Upper West Side. We didn’t even stop for a drink or a brew or anything. As soon as we got in the door, he pushed me up against the hall and lifted my tea dress up over my head. I was so naked. And his hall light was on. And I didn’t care. When he lifted me up, I wrapped my legs around him and kissed him while he carried me to the bedroom, pulled down my knickers and licked every part of me.

  I feel completely new. Like an animal. A sexy wild animal. Like Madonna and Mae West and Marilyn Monroe all in one Olive-shaped Woman.

  Seth rolls over so that I’m on top. He holds my hands, watching me as I move back and forth above him, rocking myself against him, feeling completely free and bold and sa
fe and scared and hot, hot, hot.

  ‘Olive,’ he groans, his hands moving to my backside as we move more quickly together.

  Oh. Wow.

  This is amazing.

  This feels amazing.

  I finish a few seconds before Seth and lie back on his soft jersey pillows to catch my breath. My whole body is sparkling. My toes are all ticklish. My body is on overdrive, all of my senses on alert, and for the first time in forever it’s not in a way that feels like an attack.

  ‘Woah.’ Seth grins, leaning over to press his forehead to mine, his cheeks hot and pink.

  ‘Woah,’ I reply, stretching like a cat, kissing him and wondering how soon until I can do that again.

  The answer is thirty-five minutes.

  The second time is slower, sweeter, gigglier, decadent and playful.

  The second time we look at each other the entire time.

  The second time I have to stop myself from choking up because there’s this odd bittersweet ache in my chest that I don’t want to think too hard about.

  The second time is when I have to try very very hard to not fall for someone who, after this week, I’ll never see again.

  This is just a fling, Olive. That’s all it is.

  I wake up the next morning to the five missed calls. It’s 8.30 a.m. I pick up my phone from Seth’s bedside cabinet to see that all of the missed calls are from Anders. How did I miss those? I had all the volumes turned up. God, I must have slept super deeply. To be fair, I had a very physically active night.

  My heart leaps at all the missed calls. Oh my goodness, I hope it’s Chuck-related! Please let it be Chuck-related!

  I try to call back but it goes to voicemail. I hope everything’s alright… Turning over, I peek at Seth who is awake and who is smiling at me sleepily, his cheek lined with cotton pillow marks.

  ‘How are you?’ he murmurs.

  ‘I am… really good,’ I reply.

  ‘Did I satiate you enough to never sleep with another man apart from Colin for the rest of your life?’

  He raises an eyebrow cheekily and my heart drops to my toes.

  Oh yeah. That. My lie to get Seth to ‘cheat’ with me. I mentally clear my head. Of course. That’s what this was. He still thinks I’m engaged. That we’ll never see each other again.