Saving Grace

by J. M. Hill

  Much too exhausted to put any effort into my clothing selection or my hair, I showered and dressed in yoga pants and pink Colorado sweatshirt, pulling my hair into a ponytail. My feet dragged as I straightened my bathroom and made my bed. When I came into the kitchen, Kate shook her head sadly as she took in my appearance.

  She kissed my cheek. “I think you should call Dr. Murphy. I’m not sure you should wait for an appointment. You need some serious sleep, your injury wasn’t that long ago, and your body is going to shut down.”

  I heard what she was saying, knowing she was right, but I didn’t want to sleep. I was afraid to sleep.

  We decided to make breakfast for everyone. Blueberry muffins, bacon, poached eggs and potato heaven, which is leftover mashed potatoes made into small pancakes, dipped in flour and fried in butter. Not healthy, but oh-so-heavenly, hence the name.

  Just as Kate was pulling the muffins from the oven, the Anderson’s filed in. I ran to Michael, I couldn’t help myself.

  “Hey.” He hugged me tightly, but when he tried to set me down, I didn’t loosen my hold on his neck. “Grace?”

  His voice was worried, so I let go. He studied my face. With a sigh he pulled me to him, resting his head on mine. As he held me, my body relaxed, my mind cleared, and I felt safe.

  “We made you breakfast,” I said as I pulled him toward the kitchen, not giving him a chance to say anything. I knew we’d be discussing it later anyway. He kept his eyes on me as I poured him some coffee, and led him to the table.

  Everyone ate their breakfast, and as usual the chatter was non-stop, different conversations going on at once. Garrett draped his arm over my shoulder, and hugged me to him.

  “You look tired, Gracie,” he said. “How’d you sleep?”

  I just leaned my head against him and shrugged. It was quiet and I flushed because everyone was watching me.

  “She didn’t sleep,” Kate said.

  “I’m fine,” I said quietly.

  “I think we should call Dr. Murphy,” Kate said. “Her body’s going to shut down if she doesn’t get some sleep. I told her this, but she tends to be a little stubborn.”

  I felt a twinge of anger with her comment.

  “I didn’t argue with you,” I lashed out, defending myself, and not recognizing my own voice.

  Kate’s expression changed, confused by my reaction. As quickly as the anger came, it left even quicker and I felt intense guilt because of my words. Garrett tightened his arm around me, and I looked down at my plate which was still filled with food because I’d hardly eaten.

  My throat tightened. “I’m so sorry, Kate.”

  I didn’t mean to be ugly with her. She was just looking out for me and I knew that.

  “Grace,” Ava said softly. “Why don’t you go lie down, you’re exhausted.”

  Garrett kissed the top of my head and I got up from the table slowly.

  “I’m sorry everyone.” I was embarrassed.

  I walked around to Kate and she stood from the table. The sadness on her face did it. I clung to her and bawled. I was exhausted and emotionally drained. She hugged me as I told her I was sorry again and again.

  “It’s okay,” she whispered. “Stop saying you’re sorry.”

  Michael took my hand and I released Kate reluctantly and followed him to my room. Kate pulled the pillows from my bed, and I laid down. Kate covered me with a quilt and brushed the hair from my face.

  “I’m so sorry, Kate,” I cried. “I’m sorry for talking to you that way.”

  “It’s okay.” She tried to smile. “Can I get you anything?”

  I shook my head and she started to leave when Michael said something to her quietly I couldn’t hear. The door closed and he pulled the chair close to my bed. He kissed me and I breathed in a staggered breath trying to make myself relax. I wanted his arms around me, but I was too embarrassed to ask.

  He stood up and I panicked.

  “Don’t go.” I grabbed his hand and he sat back down quickly.

  “Grace, I was just going to turn on your music. I’m not going anywhere.” His expression became anguished. “What happened last night? Was it a nightmare?”

  I shook my head. “No. I think it was worse.”

  I wasn’t really sure it was worse than the nightmares, and I considered maybe I was just over-exhausted. I pushed myself up so I was sitting, and Michael’s expression didn’t change as he kept his eyes on me. I told him about the disturbing dreams of Mr. Sandler. I hiccoughed as I tried to talk through my sobs, Michael’s helpless expression making me feel even worse.

  “Grace,” his voice was quiet. “I wish you would have said something last night, I would have come and stayed with you.”

  “I wanted you to, but I can’t expect you to be here just because I’m having bad dreams. I feel so ridiculously needy all the time.”

  He sighed. “Never apologize for need me.” He held my hands tightly. “There’s a difference in being needy and needing someone because you love them.”

  I was pretty sure there was no difference.

  “You’re strong, independent, intelligent,” he said. “You have a degree, you own a business, you own a home. You don’t need anything. Just because you feel the need to have me with you as much as possible because you love me…that makes me feel needed. And everyone wants to feel needed, Grace.” He smiled fervently as I stroked the side of his face with my fingers. He leaned into my hand and kissed my palm.

  It never ceased to amaze me how he always knew the right thing to say, at the right time. Every time it happened I felt like I needed to empty my heart of the love I had for him, to make room for more. My heart wasn’t big enough. Maybe that’s why it pounded and fluttered when I was with him. It had to adjust to make more room.

  He pulled me onto his lap, and I nuzzled into his neck letting his fragrance calm me. We watched TV together for a while in silence. I was almost asleep when Kate poked her head inside my room.

  “Evan’s here to see you,” she said.

  I assumed that Michael and Kate were the reason he was here, but I didn’t mind. I always enjoyed seeing Evan. When we got to the living room, Evan was talking intently with Garrett. When he saw me his forehead creased as he walked toward me.

  “Hi.” I smiled. “It’s great to see you.”

  “Hey.” He hugged me tightly, then stepped back, studying my face. “It’s great to see you too.”

  He was clearly focused on the fact that I looked like one of the walking-dead from any chosen zombie movie. He greeted Michael and then took me by the hand, leading me to the sofa where I sat next to Kate. Evan got comfortable on the floor in front of me, while Michael stood behind him, folding his arms across his chest.

  “Well, Grace.” Evan shook his head. “I’m not gonna lie. You’re looking rough.”

  I scowled at him as everyone chuckled.

  “Talk to me.” Evan’s expression became serious as he folded his hands in his lap. “What’s going on?”

  “I can’t sleep.” I twisted my fingers nervously and Evan raised an eyebrow skeptically.

  “Can’t sleep? Or won’t sleep?”

  He glanced at Garrett, and I surmised he already knew the answer. Kate wrapped her arm around my waist. and I felt like I was the focus of some kind of intervention. Everyone waiting for me to ‘take the first step and admit that I have a problem’.

  “It’s okay, Grace, Garrett already told me.”

  I nodded.

  “Unfortunately, I can’t write you a prescription,” he said regretfully. “I could get into some serious trouble for that, because you’re technically not under my care. I did put in a call to Doc Murphy, and he called something in for you as a favor to me. But he wants to see you this week.”

  “Thanks, Evan,” I said. “Sorry you had to come here just for this.”

  I could see Michael rolling his eyes, but Evan smiled widely.

  “I didn’t come just for this.” He smirked. “I came to ask Ava to fee
d me.”

  Garrett guffawed and everyone laughed.

  “Seriously, Grace,” Evan said quietly. “Promise me you’ll see Doc Murphy. This week. Promise?”

  “I promise.”

  He patted my knee as he stood up.

  “Come on, Evan,” Ava smiled. “We just finished breakfast, but I’m sure I can find something for you.”

  He grinned. “If you insist.”

  I had to smile as I watched him. He winked at me and followed the others into the kitchen. Michael sat down next to me, and I rested my head against his shoulder.

  “Are you okay?” He asked.

  “I guess,” I sighed. “I just wish this whole thing would be over. I wanted to go to work tomorrow, but I can’t go like this.”

  “I know, but the shop isn’t going anywhere. It will be there when you’re ready.”

  I thought I was ready.

  “Are you hungry?” He asked. “You hardly ate any breakfast.”

  “No.” I shook my head. “Just tired.”

  Michael took my hand and pulled me from the couch, and everyone gave me a small wave, as Michael led me to my room. I laid down, and he covered me with my quilt, kissing my forehead softly.

  “Do you want me to stay until you fall asleep?”

  I smiled and traced over his lips with my fingertips.

  “I’ll be okay.” My eyes were heavy, and I knew I would be asleep soon.

  “I’m just going to visit with Evan for a little while,” he said. “I’ll be right here when you wake up.” He leaned down, kissing softly along my jaw until I could feel his breath on my ear, and I shivered. He chuckled. “I love you, my Grace.”

  I swore when I was more coherent, I was going to ask him why he always laughed when he kissed me.

  When I opened my eyes, I could hear laughter coming from the kitchen. I rolled over expecting to see Michael sitting in my chair, but it was empty. I doubted Evan was still out there. I’d slept too long.

  I got out of bed, making my way toward the kitchen groggily. It was suddenly quiet. Eerily quiet. A knot formed in my stomach as I came around the corner and the kitchen was empty, only the remnants of a meal remained. Dirty dishes were stacked in the sink, and coffee cups were lined around the table where everyone had been sitting. I walked slowly, surveying the mess I knew Kate, nor Ava, would never have left. I shook my head in an attempt to clear the haze that seemed to be clouding my vision.

  The sickening knot was now full-blown nausea and my heart pounded as I accepted the fact I was having a nightmare.

  Deciding I wasn’t going to play the sick game my mind had in store for me, I turned quickly and returned to my room, closing the door and locking it behind me. My breathing was labored as I backed against the wall by the window and waited. Waited to wake up.

  The doorknob turned and I swallowed hard, knowing I’d locked it. It kept turning and the door opened slowly. I closed my eyes tightly knowing who I was going to see. Moisture formed on my forehead and neckline, my heart pounding like a jackhammer. I opened my eyes.

  “You’re all alone, Grace.”

  Nina stood in my doorway, wearing the same white ruffled dress she’d worn in my dream last night. Now it was smeared with blood. Her hands were empty, but she extended them toward me showing me the blood that stained her palms and fingers. I covered my mouth, feeling like I had to vomit.

  “I told you you’d be alone. And now you are. They’re all gone.” She smiled and shook her head in disdain. “You should have listened.”

  The bile rose in my throat, but I swallowed it down as anger stirred deep inside me. An anger I’ve never felt before. A hot, burning, fiery anger that felt like it was causing me physical pain. I felt tears escape my eyes as I stared at her, her face expressionless, her eyes emotionless.

  “I’m not afraid of you,” I growled between my clenched teeth.

  She tilted her head slightly and continued to smile. “Oh,” she said sweetly. “Of course you are.”

  I didn’t want her words to be true, but they rang in my ears making me feel even weaker than I already felt. I looked around for something I could use to inflict pain on her. I spotted a large crystal vase on the shelf next to me which was once full of pink roses from Michael.

  Michael.

  She’d hurt him if she had a chance. She would hurt everyone I loved if she had the chance. I wasn’t going to give her the chance. I quickly pulled the vase from the shelf and smashed it hard against the shelf. The sound of shattering glass echoed in my ears as the vase splintered into a hundred pieces. I retrieved two large, ragged shards from the floor. They cut into my hands as I gripped them, but I ignored the pain. I didn’t care about my pain anymore.

  I wanted her to feel pain.

  “You aren’t going to hurt me anymore,” I told her. “I won’t let you.”

  She tossed her head back as she laughed and pointed at my hands. I looked down at my hands, and my eyes blurred as the blood dripped from my palms.

  “You see?” she continued to point at my bleeding hands. “I am hurting you.”

  Her words became an echo in my head, over and over, and I knew they were true. Not because of the blood, but because of everything that had happened. Everything she caused.

  The anger. The pain. The fear. She was hurting me.

  I screamed in anger, dropping the pieces of glass to the floor. I closed my eyes, and clamped my hands over my ears trying to stop the sound of her voice from ringing in my ears. I am hurting you…I am hurting you. I slid down the wall, my body shuddering uncontrollably from sobs. I brought my knees to my chest feeling the burn from the cuts in my hands that I’d inflicted on myself.

  There was a banging on my door. Someone was trying to get into my room, but I didn’t move. I wondered if I was awake or asleep and kept my eyes still closed.

  “Gracie!”

  I heard Kate, and I was lifted from the floor.

  “She’s bleeding!”

  Garrett’s voice rang in my ear and I realized I was in his arms, being carried.

  “Get some towels.”

  I heard Evan’s voice and wondered if I was in the hospital again.

  “Gracie, wake up!” Garrett’s voice was panicked. “Dammit, Gracie! Wake up right now!”

  I opened my eyes and saw Michael’s face as he tried frantically to find where the blood was coming from. I was trembling, and Garrett was holding me to him tightly. I held out my hands to Michael, and his eyes widened.

  “It’s her hands,” he said. “They’re cut.”

  “Grace,” Evan said sternly. “Look at me.”

  I didn’t want to look away from Michael, and my eyes were heavy as I tried to find Evan. He took my face in his hands.

  “Can you hear me?” Evan asked.

  “I hear.”

  “Where are you hurt? Is it just your hands?”

  “Yes. I broke the vase.”

  I heard Kate crying and felt remorse.

  “Kate, please don’t cry. I’m sorry.” I felt like I’d been drugged. My eyes didn’t want to stay open. Garrett kept me in his arms as he sat down in one of the kitchen chairs.

  “Grace.” Evan was making me look at him again. “Why did you break the vase?”

  I swallowed hard as tears came down my face.

  “I told her I wasn’t going to let her hurt me anymore.” I saw the blood on my hands. “But she did and I let her.”

  Garrett muttered something and squeezed me to him again.

  “Garrett, let me check her hands,” Evan said calmly. “They may need stitches.”

  Panic came over me as I processed what was said.

  “Evan please don’t make me go to the hospital,” I pleaded. “They’ll think I’m crazy. Please?”

  “It’s okay, Grace,” he said soothingly. “Honey, you’re not crazy. You’re just exhausted. You’re going to be fine, okay?” He looked to Garrett. “But I gotta say, I’d like to get my own hands on this Nina chick right about now.”
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  Garrett said something to him, but I couldn’t make it out.

  Evan began cleaning the blood from my hands, and I winced with pain as the sting of antiseptic washed over my palms. Ava assisted Evan, as Garrett held me in his arms, my head tight against his chest. Will, Kate and Miles were huddled together watching with pained expressions, Kate wiping tears. Michael seemed angry. His jaw clenched tight, and his face red as he focused on Evan tending to my self-inflicted wounds.

  “Michael?”

  His eyes softened as he tried to brush away the hair that clung to my forehead from sweat.

  “I’m sorry. I saw her in my room. I’m sorry,” I said. “Please don’t be angry with me.” My words sounded mushy, and my eyes wanted to close. His eyes glossed over, and he pressed his lips against my forehead intensely.

  “Of course I’m not angry with you,” he whispered against my forehead. He continued to stroke my hair as he looked at Garrett with an unreadable expression.

  “Why does this keep happening?” Garrett asked, his voice vibrating in my ear. “I can’t stand this—” Garrett’s voice hitched, and once again he tightened his hold on me, but I kept my eyes on Michael.

  “There’s a lot of blood,” Evan said calmly. “But the cuts are clean, and they’re not deep. Miles will you go to the drugstore and get these things for me?”

  Evan scratched something on a pad of paper, and Miles took it without saying a word, he and Will leaving quickly.

  “I’m so sleepy,” I murmured not sure anyone could even hear me.

  “I know, Gracie,” Garrett said. “But you have blood all over you—we have to get you cleaned and bandaged first okay?”

  Ava took two large dish towels, wrapping one around each hand.

  “Keep the towels wrapped around her hands, and she can get cleaned up,” Evan told Kate. “When you’re finished we’ll dress the wounds. Miles will be back by then.”

  Garrett carried me out of the kitchen, following Kate. When we got to the bathroom, I could hear the shower running.

  “I’m going to set you down,” Garrett said softly.