Jacob Wonderbar and the Cosmic Space Kapow

by Nathan Bransford

  Ten Numonian days later, Dexter and Jacob found themselves at a large banquet table with the entire population of the planet. Along with the McGillicuttys were a wrinkled couple named the Bartholomews, who Moonman said in a loud whisper were 352 years old and “don’t hear so good,” and the Goslings and their seven children, who were all staring at Jacob and Dexter with befuddled expressions.

  Jacob and Dexter stared down at their plates, which were both piled high with Numonian dirt shaped into pyramids.

  Moonman broke the top off his pyramid and chewed heartily. “Mmm! Stargirl, you’ve outdone yourself.”

  She winked at the boys. “Isn’t Numonian dirt something? You just pick it up off the ground, form it into a little clump, and eat it! Plus it has so much moisture, we don’t even need to drink water.” She patted her large belly and leaned over to whisper, “It’s so good I just can’t help myself sometimes.”

  Jacob smiled at the Numonians and muttered “Eat it” to Dexter without moving his lips.

  “You first,” Dexter said.

  “No way.”

  Dexter looked around at the expectant faces of the Numonians and tried to decide whether his fear of disappointing his hosts or his fear of eating disgusting space dust was the more powerful feeling. The situation was growing more awkward by the second as everyone silently waited for them to eat their food. He felt the stirrings of hyperventilation.

  “Well?” Stargirl asked eagerly.

  Dexter swallowed against his dry throat, his eyes watering. He broke off a tiny piece and stared at it. Hands shaking, he gingerly placed it on his tongue. When he realized he hadn’t died instantly, he tentatively chewed and swallowed it, and then smiled through tears at the Numonians, who gave a rousing cheer. Then night fell and everyone went to sleep.

  “What does it taste like?” Jacob whispered.

  Dexter shrugged. “Better than your mom’s tuna surprise.”

  Jacob stared back at the plate. “That’s not saying much.”

  Jacob quickly put a tiny morsel of food into his mouth, chewed, and swallowed. It tasted like grainy rice that had been ground up and sent through a processor that stripped it of any flavor whatsoever. He felt little bits of Numonian dirt stick in his teeth and he suppressed a gag. He knew he would never be able to finish it, no matter how hungry he was. He did have to admit, however, that it was definitely better than his mom’s tuna surprise.

  Jacob felt the wind gust that meant morning was coming. He quickly dumped the rest of his plate onto the ground and stomped it down.

  “What are you doing?” Dexter elbowed him. “Why won’t you . . .”

  Everyone woke up and said their good mornings, but one of the Gosling children gasped and pointed at Jacob Wonderbar’s plate.

  Moonman’s eyes were big. “Young man, you ate your whole plate?”

  Jacob smiled and said, “I sure did, and my compliments to the chef!”

  Tears formed in Stargirl’s eyes. “Oh dear,” she said.

  Old man Bartholomew shouted, “Is this kid nuts?”

  Jacob forced a smile. “I really liked it.”

  Moonman clasped his hands together. “Oh no. This is all my fault. I should have warned him! ” He smacked his head. “Oh no, oh no, oh no . . .”

  Jacob looked around the table. “Warned me about what?”

  Moonman turned to Jacob, his face creased with worry. “Numonian dirt is meant to be eaten slowly, over the course of many days. If you eat an entire plate at once, it congeals and passes through your intestines in one big lump, and . . .”

  “And what?”

  Moonman looked at the sky in agony. “And you could burst!”

  Jacob’s face felt fuzzy. His stomach was certainly growling, but that was because it was empty, not because he was in danger of congealed space dust exploding his intestinal tract. But he couldn’t tell the Numonians that he had dumped their beloved dirt on the ground without eating it. He tried to steady his voice. “Oh, I’m sure it will be fine.”

  “Happened to me in 7823,” old man Bartholomew shouted. “It was an ugly scene, son. Ugly! Worst day of my life. It smelled like . . .”

  Night came, and the Numonians fell asleep. After a moment of quiet, Moonman had a nightmare and cried out in his sleep. Jacob looked around at the sleeping faces, all locked in anguished expressions, many of them twitching and having a fitful night.

  “You have to tell them the truth,” Dexter whispered.

  “I can’t! ” Jacob said. “They would be so upset.”

  “So? Better that than having them think you’re going to die.”

  “I can’t do it.”

  “Wonderbar!”

  “No!”

  Morning rose and Moonman overslept a little before waking up and rubbing his eyes. “I had the most terrible dream, and . . .” He looked at Jacob’s plate. “Oh. It’s true.”

  Stargirl stood up from the table. “We have to get him off Numonia. To a hospital.”

  Moonman nodded. “Our only hope is the spaceship Swift. Boys, we’ve never tried to leave Numonia because, you know, why would anyone want to, but by golly, if it will save our little friend here that’s what we must do.”

  Moonman and Stargirl started bounding toward the spaceshift Swift. Dexter kicked Jacob under the table, but he didn’t pay any attention.

  “Did they say ‘leave Numonia’?” Jacob jumped up and ran after them.

  Dexter got up and chased after Jacob, who was up to his same old tricks in outer space. Dexter knew very well that Jacob’s plans inevitably landed them in trouble, and this time they were in space, they were on their own, and their parents weren’t there to rescue them. Dexter had to put a stop to it. It was time for him to tell the Numonians the truth.

  “Wait, wait!” Dexter said. After a couple seconds he caught up with them. “Listen to me. Jacob is ...”

  Night fell and Moonman and Stargirl fell asleep.

  “Don’t you dare say anything,” Jacob said. “This is our chance to get off this crazy planet!”

  “It’s not right, Wonderbar. You can’t lie to them.”

  “Don’t. Say. Anything,” Jacob said quietly, stepping toward Dexter and poking him in the chest. “I’m not going to let you blow this like you usually do.”

  Dexter stumbled back in shock. In all their years of friendship Jacob had defended him so many times, but he had never once tried to actually fight or intimidate him. Jacob was his best friend. On another day, on Planet Earth, Dexter would have walked straight out the door and gone home until Jacob apologized. But they were billions of miles away and there might not have even been an Earth to run home to.

  Dexter reached down and grabbed some Numonian dust, clumped it together, and threw it at Jacob. “Fine! ” he yelled. He stomped away in the opposite direction.

  Jacob started to call after Dexter, but instead he let him go. The Numonian space dust had given them a golden opportunity to leave Numonia and reunite with Sarah, and getting off Numonia was more important than Dexter’s feelings. Dexter would come around to his plan.

  The spaceship Swift was their only shot.

  CHAPTER 20

  Moonman stared at the controls of the spaceship Swift, his hands uncertainly hovering over the buttons and dials. Jacob and Stargirl stood behind him, watching to see if he could get the old ship to lift off. The cockpit of the Swift looked like an antique compared to Lucy’s and Praiseworthy’s consoles, and some of the lights inside flickered and sputtered. Numonian dust filled nooks and crannies. Jacob wasn’t sure the tub of steel and glass would ever be able to lift off into space again.

  “Now, let’s see here,” Moonman said. “I think my grandfather told me to . . .” He pressed a button and stood up quickly, rubbing his backside. “Nope. Seat warmer.”

  Jacob looked over at poor Moonman, trying so desperately to get him off Numonia, all because they thought his insides were going to burst with space dust. They were so worried, and all for nothing. And what if Moon
man wasn’t a good enough pilot to get back home? What if he fell asleep and flew the spaceship Swift into an asteroid?

  Jacob nervously tapped his foot. He wasn’t in the habit of admitting when he hadn’t told the truth, but the deception had gone far enough. He blurted out, “It was a lie.”

  Moonman shook his head. “No, son, that really was the seat warmer button, and I just wish—”

  “I didn’t eat the food. I made it up, and I dumped it on the ground, and I’m so sorry that I made you so worried.”

  Jacob winced as he awaited their reply. He couldn’t even imagine what they would think of him now that they knew the truth.

  Stargirl stared at him in confusion. “You didn’t eat the food?”

  “No, ma’am.”

  Moonman stood up and peered into Jacob’s face. “Son, do you know what this means?”

  Jacob shook his head and swallowed nervously.

  “It means you can stay on Numonia!” Moonman and Stargirl let out a whoop and began dancing around the spaceship Swift, raising their fists and chanting, “Numonia! Numonia! Numonia!”

  Jacob tried to smile, but when he saw their excitement he knew it meant that the spaceship Swift would never fly off the planet. They wouldn’t try to leave and he would be stuck on Numonia forever. They loved their planet so much, and it made him miss nice green and brown Earth, which suddenly felt so far away. It may have been a planet filled with detentions and principals and interminable groundings, but it was still his home and he wanted to go back and make sure it was safe.

  They heard a loud whooshing noise outside the ship and Moonman whispered, “Shhh.” He cocked his head and said, “I’ve never . . .” And then night came and he fell asleep.

  In the Numonian darkness, Jacob walked to the rear of the spaceship Swift, the nighttime stars shining through the portholes. He opened the hatch door, stepped out, and saw one of the most wonderful sights he had ever seen in his life: the lights of the spaceship Lucy, a soft glow shining through the dome of the cockpit, the cargo door open and Dexter standing there waiting for him in the hold. Jacob nearly fainted with relief. Lucy, the ship that had taken them so far from home, had come back for him. His mind raced with what would now be possible. He could leave Numonia and try and find a way home. Moonman and Stargirl could stay on Numonia, and they didn’t have to fly the spaceship Swift.

  The winds stirred, the sun rose. Moonman and Stargirl woke and stood beside Jacob, looking at Lucy with their arms around each other.

  Moonman grabbed Jacob’s shoulder with one of his strong hands.

  “Son, I want you to know something. You’re probably going to leave us now, and I think Stargirl and I both know it. And that’s because where you come from is special to you. It may not be as good as Numonia, but it’s your home and you’ll love your home no matter what. No one can take it away from you.”

  Jacob looked up into Moonman’s and Stargirl’s twinkling eyes. “I don’t even know if I have a home to go back to,” he said quietly.

  Moonman smiled. “Well, whatever happens, I just want you and Dexter to know that you’ll always have a home on Numonia.”

  Jacob said, “Thank you,” and hugged them. They felt like his grandparents, soft and warm and kind, and he felt a pang of sadness and anger that his dad wasn’t even there for him as much as the Numonians had been.

  He made his way over to Lucy and climbed aboard, taking a deep cleansing lung full of air that didn’t smell like burp breath. As the cargo door closed he turned back to say one last good-bye to Numonia, but the sun set, night fell, and Moonman and Stargirl were fast asleep.

  “Sarah!” Jacob turned and shouted as Lucy blasted off into the sky. “Sarah! Where is she? I knew she’d come back for us!”

  Dexter shook his head. “She’s not here.”

  “What?”

  “It’s just me. Lucy showed up out of nowhere, so I hopped on board and told her where to find you.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  Dexter shrugged and handed Jacob a ration bar. Jacob tore into it, and as he was chewing he suddenly remembered their fight.

  “Thanks for coming back for me,” Jacob said.

  Dexter stared at the wall for a long time before answering. “That’s what friends do.”

  “You were right, Dexter.”

  Dexter gave him a shaky grin, “Aw, you know. It happens once in a while.”

  “Children,” Lucy said, “as much as I am enjoying this excruciating display of emotion, I need to know where I should set my coordinates.”

  “I missed you, Lucy!” Jacob shouted. “Thank you for coming for us.”

  “Oh dear, well, I suppose I’d rather be commanded by you lunatics than be held captive by a bore of a spaceship, but don’t let that go to your heads.”

  Dexter said to Jacob, “Let’s find Sarah and get home.”

  “Lucy,” Jacob said. “Can you take us to Sarah? Where is she?”

  Lucy didn’t speak for a moment. “I can get you there quickly,” she said. “But I don’t think you’re going to like it.”

  CHAPTER 21

  Sarah heard the scientist’s shout just as they rounded a corner and ran directly into his large belly. He was huge, and his massive white lab coat could have covered a horse. His skin was ghostly white and he was wearing mechanical binoculars that covered his eyes and were constantly expanding and retracting.

  “Halt!” he cried, waving his head around trying to see the children. “Wait. Back up. I can’t see you. This is just a prototype.” His binoculars retracted. “Oh. That’s better. Now, don’t move! I have you in my sights, and ... why . . . Mick Cracken! I should have known it would be you.”

  Sarah rolled her eyes, knowing that Mick’s ego was pumping up like a balloon.

  “We’re here to steal the Dragon’s Eye,” Mick said with a confident smile.

  The giant scientist smiled right back and took a menacing step toward the children. He readjusted his binoculars. “I do not think that is within the realm of probable outcomes.”

  Sarah could tell Mick didn’t have a plan for this. He had just waltzed them in and thought he could steal the Dragon’s Eye without any difficulty whatsoever, and now that they were caught by a scientist, they really would end up in an interplanetary jail.

  “You are under arrest and you may be placed under a slide for microscopic evaluation.”

  The scientist stepped closer, his huge gnarled hands reaching out toward them. Sarah flinched and prepared to scream.

  “One side twenty-eight meters, one side sixty-eight meters, what’s the hypotenuse of a right triangle?” Mick shouted.

  The scientist stopped, his face turning red. “What . . . what did you say?”

  “One side twenty-eight meters, one side sixty-eight meters, what’s the hypotenuse of a right triangle?”

  The scientist’s hands started shaking. “But that’s . . . Why, that would require the Pythagorean Theorem. That’s . . . that’s my favorite mathematical equation!”

  The scientist looked at the children.

  He looked over at a nearby chalkboard.

  He looked at the children. A few quiet seconds passed.

  And he ran over to the chalkboard. He furiously started scratching out numbers.

  “Go! Go!” Mick shouted.

  Sarah stared in disbelief as the scientist worked on the problem. Mick grabbed her by the arm, and she followed after him.

  They rounded a corner and screeched to a halt. A small lab mouse rose up from the marble floor of the museum and raised its claws and bared its teeth. The mouse must have thought it was an intimidating gesture, but it couldn’t have known that Sarah wasn’t scared of mice in the slightest. In fact, she found this one darling and rather dignified.

  “Ahh!” Mick yelled. “Mouse! Oh please oh please no.” He raised his hands in surrender.

  “It’s just a mouse! What in the world is wrong with you?” Sarah peered closer at the mouse and saw a small yellow piece o
f metal on its head. “Is that a crown?”

  Mick’s entire body was rigid and his eyes were squeezed shut. “They worship those . . . beasts on this planet. They are allowed to roam free when they’re not participating in experiments, and everyone is supposed to bow and pay their respects. Oh please oh please. Is it looking at me? I think it’s looking at me.”

  Sarah stared at the mouse and smiled. It was so cute and regal. She bent down and said, “Hi little guy, I’m—”

  The mouse launched itself at Sarah’s head. Its claws dug in upon impact, and it began running over her scalp, pricking her head like a hundred small needles.

  “Ahh!!” she shrieked.

  “I told you! ” Mick yelled.

  Sarah reached for the mouse but it grabbed a piece of her hair and swung down so that it was right in front of her eyes. She screamed and swiped at it, but it jumped onto her shoulder. She heard a small voice say, “I command you to leave at once!” Sarah froze, wondering for a moment if she had only imagined this violent mouse talking or if it had really ordered her to leave. Her mind raced. If the mouse could talk, that meant it was intelligent, and if it was intelligent . . .

  “One side twenty-eight meters, one side sixty-eight meters, what’s the hypotenuse of a right triangle?”

  The mouse stopped scurrying and clung to her back.

  “One side twenty-eight meters, one side sixty-eight meters, what’s the hypotenuse of a right triangle?” she said again.

  She felt the mouse pause for a few seconds. Then she felt it run down her leg. It scurried up to the chalkboard, grabbed a piece of chalk, and worked on the problem along the bottom of the chalkboard. The scientist watched the mouse start its calculations and realized he had made an error. He erased his work and started over again.

  Mick’s mouth hung open for a moment. “I’m impressed,” he said finally.

  “Not much time,” Sarah said with a smile. She ran on ahead into the exhibit, and . . .

  There it was. The Dragon’s Eye. It glittered and glinted in the light that streamed through the large windows into the museum. It was bigger than a car, it was sparkling and brilliant and incredible. Sarah ran over to it, pressed her face against it, and smiled. It felt cool and diamond-y and it was their ticket home. She couldn’t wait to see the expression on Jacob’s face when he saw that she’d gotten the Dragon’s Eye and wished them all to safety.