Beyond Shame b-1

by Kit Rocha

Until she scowled. “I’ll be plenty dirty when I’m good and ready,” she retorted, swinging her legs out of the way to make room for Noelle to sit. When she did, the girl thrust out her hand. “Nice to finally meet you. Dallas keeps me chained up in the distillery, and not with the sexy chains, either.”

  Judging by the knowing grin on her face, it was another tease, like Ace’s. Noelle accepted the ribbing as inevitable and shook the offered hand with a smile. “Well, I’m glad he let you out for the night.”

  “He wouldn’t have let you miss this.” Lex sat straighter and nodded to the cage. “Here he goes.”

  Bren had just climbed inside the cage, stripped to the waist, his feet bare. He stood on one side, near the bars, his head bent, stretching his shoulders.

  “Oh my God, Bren’s fighting?” Nessa’s eyes widened under her spiky, bleached-white bangs. “Oh man, oh man. We’re all gonna feel a little dirty tonight.”

  Baffled, Noelle glanced at Lex. “I’m missing something, aren’t I?”

  “Nope.” Lex finished her drink and motioned to Rachel, who stood at the end of the bar. “You’re missing everything.”

  A stranger climbed into the cage with Bren, a bulky man with ink, but not O’Kane markings. The tattoos were distorted by his bulging muscles, which the man flexed repeatedly to earn squeals from some of the groupies on the opposite side of the crowd.

  Next to him, Bren looked…average. Strong but compact, and outweighed by enough to stir real worry in Noelle’s chest. “Is he going to be okay?”

  Rachel chuckled as she walked up with a tray cluttered with overflowing shot glasses. “He’ll be dandy after he gets the crap beat out of him.”

  “And they throw a chick in there,” Nessa added. “Dallas should start auctioning off the privilege. He’d make more on that than he does the booze.”

  Noelle prodded Lex with her elbow. “Is she serious?”

  “About which part?”

  It was answer enough. Noelle snapped her gaze to the cage as the stranger took his first swing. Bren blocked it, but his opponent came back with an even harder blow to the ribs. Bren took it and staggered against the bars.

  Rachel shook her head. “This guy’s a tank. Fifty bucks says Bren ends it early because his dick hurts.”

  Nessa thrust out her hand. “I’ll bet a hundred that he plays with the guy for a while, but doesn’t bother dragging the girl out of the cage before he fucks her.”

  Lex slapped her palm. “If he’s that hot for it tonight, I might be the one jumping in there with him.”

  Their voices slid past Noelle as she watched the cage, transfixed by the sheer violence contained within the bars. The huge stranger looked furious, his face red and his veins bulging. He came at Bren again and again, roaring curses and swinging with meaty fists. Sometimes Bren dodged or blocked with a lazy ease that made it even more confusing when a blow he should have avoided smashed into him.

  She’d watched Jasper fight with focused intensity and unwavering attention. She’d seen Flash dominate an opponent with his huge fists and sheer size. This was something else entirely, a completely unbalanced fight—because Bren didn’t seem to be trying.

  Another rough hit slammed him against the cage bars, and Noelle winced. “He’s not going to fight back?”

  “Sure, he will.” Rachel grinned and passed her a shot. “When he’s had enough.”

  Their scattered comments coalesced, formed a cohesive whole, but Noelle still couldn’t quite believe what they were saying. “He likes getting beat up?”

  Nessa snorted. “Like? Try gets off on in a major, seriously hot way.”

  “She means that he’s a masochist.” Amira dropped to the couch with a sigh and draped her legs across Lex’s lap. “He derives sexual pleasure from pain. Intense pleasure, apparently.”

  Noelle’s cheeks flamed. She very carefully didn’t look at Lex, and didn’t blurt out there’s a word for it? either. She did rub her thumb across the inside of her wrist, remembering the tiny stabs of pain as the needle pierced her skin, each one an irritation on its own, but all of them together burning through her into something hot and hungry. “Oh.”

  “Oh, she says.” Rachel tugged at a lock of Noelle’s hair. “Bren’s a special case. Most of the people I’ve met who like pain are subs, but not him. By all accounts, he’s damn bossy while you’re whipping him.”

  A roar went up from the crowd, dragging Noelle’s attention to the cage just in time to catch Bren twisting his opponent’s arm high behind his back. “So he really is playing with the other guy? He could win whenever he wants to?”

  “You don’t know?” Amira cracked open a fresh bottle of water. “He was on the military police force in Eden. Special Tasks. He could snap that guy’s neck without breaking a sweat.”

  Belatedly, Noelle drained the shot Rachel had handed her. She needed it as she studied Bren again. Within Eden, people barely admitted that Special Tasks agents existed. The city of the future should have no need for men trained to stalk and kill…but of course they did.

  “That explains a lot,” she said faintly. “About how he can fight so well, I mean. I don’t know what to think about the rest of it.”

  Lex raised an eyebrow. “You plan on fucking him?”

  Noelle made a face, remembering how gently he’d rejected her the night of her party. “Even if I were, I don’t think he’s interested.”

  “Then why do you have to think anything about it?” Lex slipped out from under Amira’s legs and walked off, into the crowd.

  Rachel watched her go. “Jesus help us all. She’s in a mood.”

  Apparently so. Lex had already disappeared into the mass of bodies, and Noelle didn’t think she’d appreciate being followed. “It’s not something I said?”

  “Maybe,” Nessa told her, patting her shoulder awkwardly. “Or not. You’ll never know. That’s the beauty of Lex.”

  But Amira shook her head. “It’s Dallas. Has to be.”

  “Ah, yeah.” Nessa blew her bangs out of her eyes and gave Noelle a speculative look that left her squirming. “You were with them the other night…”

  She trailed off, as if inviting Noelle to fill her in on all the gritty details. Maybe that was common—sex and gossiping about it. Or maybe Nessa was nosy and Lex wanted her privacy.

  Not that Noelle had anything useful to contribute. She’d spent the night so wrapped up in Jasper that Lex and Dallas could have had a fight a foot from her head without her noticing. “They seemed fine then. Though Dallas did come around this afternoon to tell us we can’t leave the compound alone.”

  “That could be it,” Rachel observed. “She doesn’t respond well to orders. Which means half the time, she’s giving Dallas the finger…”

  “And the other half, he’s giving it to her,” Amira finished, holding up her hand.

  Nessa slapped her palm. “And his thumb too, when she’s lucky—oh Lord, have mercy and look out. Bren’s had enough.”

  The man in the cage swung, and Bren caught his opponent’s fist in one hand. Another swing, with the same result. When he held both of the man’s hands trapped in his, Bren grinned ferally and headbutted him. Once, twice. The man swayed, dazed, as Bren released him.

  Then he dropped to the floor, unmoving.

  The crowd cheered, and even Nessa bounced up off the couch with a triumphant shout. Caught up in the excitement, Noelle raised her voice, too. She’d never cheered before, but it turned out to be the most natural thing in the world. Her shouts rose to meld with the other voices, made her as much a part of the group as Nessa’s arm around her shoulders.

  Dallas was the one who hauled open the cage door and gestured for someone to drag away the fallen man. Noelle watched his lips move, though she couldn’t hear what he said over the din in the large room. Bren answered with a curt nod, and a scuffle broke out between several of the women standing near the cage.

  Amira made a disgusted noise. “Girl, look at that pushing and shoving. No pride whatsoever. Br
en’s hot, but you don’t make a fool of yourself over a man who isn’t yours.”

  Bren seemed to have come to the same conclusion. He stared at the women surrounding the cage door for a moment, then stepped out and stomped past them, his chest still heaving.

  Was that how she looked to Jasper? Desperate? Worry gnawed in Noelle’s gut until she remembered she’d been in the warehouse for at least twenty minutes without scanning the faces in the crowd for him, much less throwing herself at his feet like the pouting girls in front of the cage.

  Of course, the thought of him forced her gaze through the throng until she spotted his familiar profile in the far corner. He was standing next to a man Noelle had never seen, one with O’Kane tattoos winding up his bronzed arms. Coal black hair fell rakishly over his eyes, and he smiled when he caught her staring, an expression as wicked as any Ace had ever offered her.

  Noelle looked away before Jasper could follow the man’s gaze and find her mooning over him. “Who’s the man with Jas?”

  “That’s Maddox.” Rachel tipped back another shot. “Just got back from a trip south of the city.”

  “Ace will be disappointed,” Nessa said, reaching for a drink of her own. “Mad’s just as charming, but he’s got these eyes… Oh, you could drown in them. I mean, if you weren’t already drowning in Jasper.”

  “You should meet…” Amira trailed off and winced. “Oh, yeah. They’re fighting.”

  Noelle followed her gaze and saw Lex headed for the back exit with two rough-looking men trailing behind her. They were dressed almost like Nessa—ripped jeans, big boots, and lots of silver jewelry flashing under the bare lights—but the tattoos covering every bit of available flesh were even rougher. Gawkish. Nothing like the breathtakingly detailed work Ace did, so maybe he had earned a little bit of his ego.

  Nessa groaned and drained her shot. “Lord save me. Dallas is going to be unlivable for the next week, and I have to deal with him.”

  “He doesn’t own her,” Rachel said firmly. “If he wanted to lock that down, he could. We all know it.”

  “You mean with the marks?” Noelle asked, glancing at Amira’s throat. What would it be like to have Jasper’s ink wrapped around her neck? To feel the needle and know each stab of pain said mine and forever? Her body tingled at the thought of it.

  “He could start off with a collar.” At Noelle’s confused look, Amira explained, “It’s a less permanent option.”

  “But otherwise it’s pretty much like being marked,” Nessa added. “Totally at the guy’s mercy. Man, I don’t even know. Dallas is hot enough to melt a girl’s panties, but we’re all pretty much at his mercy already. Can you imagine how much more intense it’d be if he collared you?” She shook her head. “Maybe he knows better. Lex would try to kill him, and that wouldn’t end well.”

  Noelle wasn’t so sure. She’d seen the give and take between Dallas and Lex…but she’d seen Lex give in, too. Seen her melt for Dallas—all of her, not just her panties. “Maybe she’d feel differently if he offered instead of acting like he owns her already.”

  Amira smiled. “Looks like you’ve got Lex figured out. Maybe you should clue Dallas in.”

  Laughter came easier than Noelle expected, and it wasn’t because of the whiskey humming in her blood. She was as sober as she’d ever been, though maybe high on the feeling of belonging. “I’m not getting in the middle of that. I don’t want Lex to stab me!”

  “That,” Rachel declared, “would never happen. She has a real soft spot for you, one she doesn’t even have for Dallas.”

  “Because you’re sweet,” Nessa said. “And loyal. I’ve only given you about a hundred chances to dish all the dirty details about Dallas’s bedroom and what he gets up to in it.”

  Noelle flushed. “I don’t—”

  “Nah,” Nessa cut in. “It’s okay. I should go easy on you because you’re new, but I can’t help myself. I’m a compulsive gossip. Ask Amira.”

  The tiny brunette nodded. “It’s true. She’s horrible.”

  At least they wouldn’t be upset if she refused to betray Lex’s trust. Noelle rubbed her hands over her thighs and shook her head. “It’s not that I’m not used to gossip. That’s all the women are allowed to do in Eden. I’m just not used to women talking about sex so openly. Or…well, at all, really.”

  “No harm, no foul.” Rachel straightened and rose, her eyes on the crowd. “I’m gonna go dance with Ace. I might actually let him touch me tonight.”

  Nessa whooped her approval before slugging Rachel on the shoulder. “Make him work for it. Begging’s good for him.”

  Rachel turned and tilted her head. “You know it.”

  Noelle watched her thread her way into the crowd as another fight started between two men who weren’t O’Kanes. Ace was grinding between two blondes whose adoring expressions vanished when Ace abandoned them to wrap an arm around Rachel’s waist.

  “Why doesn’t Dallas let more women into the gang?” she asked Nessa and Amira as the two groupies sulked toward the cage. “They all seem willing enough.”

  “Yeah, willing enough to get laid and paid,” Amira said. “You think those two give a shit about Ace? I doubt they even know his name.”

  Nessa nodded in sharp agreement. “You can tell the ones who care. Like Trix.” She gestured to the bar, where a pretty redhead in jeans and a tightly cinched corset poured drinks for the people watching the fight. “She started by coming to the fights, but she got to know the guys and the girls. Got a job and made herself useful. I think if she wanted to go for ink, Dallas would consider it.”

  Presumably it was a much rarer occurrence than Noelle had realized, which said a lot about her own easy acceptance—or maybe more about Lex’s influence. Dallas had made it pretty damn clear he hadn’t expected Noelle to be of any use at all, which left Lex as her savior.

  Lex…and Jasper. Noelle sought him out again and found him still deep in conversation with Maddox. “I guess there must be a lot of gossip about me, then. And how fast he let me in.”

  Nessa actually turned a little pink. “Uh…”

  Amira slid her arm around Noelle. “I think you’ve already figured out what everyone’s been saying, haven’t you? Lex and Jasper wanted you here, and that’s enough for Dallas.”

  “Yeah, mostly that.” Nessa slid to the couch and mirrored Amira’s gesture. “We all love Jas, okay? And you make him happy. Growly and confused like a big dumb oaf, but that’s just because he’s a man. Men need to get used to being happy. Amira can tell you—no one did growly and confused like her big dumb oaf.”

  She covered her face with her hands and laughed. “Flash was terrible. It was all this pushing and pulling, like he didn’t know what the hell he wanted.”

  A weight Noelle hadn’t realized was there lifted, and she clutched at the words. “So that’s normal? Wanting more and then less, or speeding up and slowing down? Lex told me I should just go for him, but I don’t know what he wants.”

  “In my experience? It’s totally possible he doesn’t know, either.”

  That part was less reassuring. Noelle had to fight to keep a plaintive note out of her voice. “So what do I do?”

  “Whatever you can,” Amira murmured sympathetically. “Whatever you want. That’s all there is. It falls into place, or it doesn’t.”

  So, in the end, Lex was right. There were no guarantees, no easy ways. She could float through this, too, like she’d floated through life, floated through rebellion. Jasper might take her. If he didn’t, someone else could. She could be kept, marked, trapped in all the ways Eden had made her.

  Maybe the secret was to make a choice.

  Leaning over, she pressed a kiss to Amira’s cheek. “Thank you. I mean it.”

  “Don’t thank me,” she demurred. “It’s all you. Remember that.”

  “Remember what?” a deep voice rumbled behind them. Flash bent down to kiss Amira before resting his hip against the arm of the couch. His hand fell to the back of her neck, a
protective gesture he barely seemed aware of. “You girls up to no good, I hope?”

  “Hardly. Just some hot and heavy gossip.” Amira wrapped her arm around his thigh, as absentminded and possessive as his hand on her neck.

  “A guy can dream.” He dragged his fingers through her hair. “I’ve got a little bit before my fight’s up, baby. Came to check on you.”

  She rolled her eyes and swatted at his hand. “I’m the same as I was twenty minutes ago. I’ve been sitting on a couch, for Christ’s sake.”

  “That’s our cue.” Nessa hopped up and dragged Noelle after her. “He’ll just get more and more annoying until we move so he can cuddle her.”

  Flash’s glare was so growly, so grumpy, that Noelle broke out laughing. That earned her a glower of her own, but Flash circled the couch to claim their spot, and it was impossible not to melt when he eased Amira into his lap and wrapped both arms around her. One of his hands dropped to the curve of her belly, and his surliness evaporated.

  Staying felt like intruding, so Noelle smiled. “I’m going to dance. I’ll be back later.”

  Amira didn’t look up. “Bye.”

  Nessa giggled and pulled Noelle out onto the floor. Rachel caught sight of them and tipped her head. “Over here.”

  Ace swung his arms wide to pull the three of them into a laughing, hip-grinding tangle of limbs. “Who’s the luckiest bastard in Sector Four? I got all the hot O’Kane girls to myself.”

  “Not all of them.” Rachel shifted closer, sliding one hand into his hair, and licked the corner of his mouth.

  For the first time since Noelle had met him, Ace seemed at a loss for words. The easy rhythm of his hips faltered, and she was close enough to hear his groan, low and hungry, the realest sound she’d ever caught slipping past his lips.

  Amazingly, with that one little touch, Rachel had damn near brought him to his knees.

  Lex was definitely right. Noelle had to make her choice and make her move.

  Soon.

  Dallas

  He’d been all of nine years old the day his mother had taught him the lesson that would define his life.