The Fiery Cross

by Diana Gabaldon

  His eyebrows rose in surprise at my tone. "You're never angry wi' me, Sassenach?"

  "Certainly not," I said. "Whatever gives you an idea like tbat?"

  He smiled, rubbing the sponge absently over his chest as his eyes traveled over me. His nipples puckered at the chill, dark and stiff among the ruddy, curling hairs, and the damp gleamed on his skin.

  "I like ye fat, Sassenach," he said softly. "Fat and juicy as a plumps wee hen. I like it fine."

  I might have considered this a simple attempt to remove his foot from his mouth, were it not for the fact that naked men are conveniently equipped with sexual lie detectors. He did like it fine.

  "Oh," I said. Rather slowly, I lowered the chemise. "Well, then."

  He lifted his chin, gesturing. I hesitated for a moment, then stood up and let the chemise fall on the floor, joining his breeks. I reached across and took the sponge from his hand.

  "I'll ... um ... just finish washing, shall l?" I murmured. I turned my back, put a foot on the stool to wash, and heard an encouraging rumble of appreciation behind me. I smiled to myself, and took my time. The room was getting warmer; by the time I had finished my ablutions, my skin was pink and smooth, with only a slight chill in fingers and toes.

  I turned round at last, to see Jamie still watching me, though he still rubbed at his wrist, frowning slightly.

  "Did you wash?" I asked. "Even if it doesn't trouble you, if you have oil from the poison ivy on your skin, it can get on things you touch-and Fm not immune to the stuff "

  "I scrubbed my hands with lye soap," he assured me, putting them on my shoulders in illustration. Sure enough, he smelled strongly of the acrid soft soap we made from suet and wood-ash-it wasn't perfiimed toilet soap, but it did

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  get things clean. Things like floorboards and iron pots. No wonder he'd been scratching; it wasn't easy on the skin, and his hands were rough and cracked.

  I bent my head and kissed his knuckles, then reached across to the small box where I kept my personal bits and pieces, and took out the jar of skin balm. Made of walnut oil, beeswax, and purified lanolin from boiled sheep's wool, it was pleasantly soothing, green-scented with the essences of chamomile, comfrcy, yarrow, and elderflowers.

  I scooped out a bit with my thumbnail, and rubbed it between my hands; it was nearly solid to begin with, but liquefied nicely when warmed.

  "Here," I said, and took one of his hands between my own, rubbing the ointment into the creases of his knuckles, massaging his callused palms. Slowly, he relaxed, letting me stretch each finger as I worked my way down the joints and rubbed more ointment into the tiny scrapes and cuts. There were still marks on his hands where he had kept the leather reins wrapped tightly.

  "The posy's lovely, Jamie," I said, nodding at the little bouquet in its cup. "Whatever made you do it, though?" While in his own way quite romantic, Jamie was thoroughly practical as well; I didn't think he had ever given me a completely frivolous present, and he was not a man to see value in any vegetation that could not be eaten, taken medicinally, or brewed into beer.

  He shifted a bit, clearly uncomfortable.

  "Aye, well," he said, looking away. "I just-I mean-well, I had a wee thing I meant to give ye, only I lost it, but then you seemed to think it a sweet thing that wee Roger had plucked a few gowans for Brianna, and I-" He broke off, muttering something that sounded like "Iftinn!" under his breath.

  I wanted very much to laugh. Instead, I lifted his hand and kissed his knuckles, lightly. He looked embarrassed, but pleased. His thumb traced the edge of a half-healed blister on my palm, left by a hot kettle.

  "Here, Sassenach, ye need a bit of this, too. Let me," he said, and leaned to take a dab of the green ointment. He engulfed my hand in his, warm and still slippery with the oil and beeswax mixture.

  I resisted for a moment, but then let him take my hand, making deep slow circles on my palm that made me want to close my eyes and melt quietly. I gave a small sigh of pleasure, and must have closed my eyes after all, because I didn't see him move in close to kiss me; just felt the brief soft touch of his mouth.

  I raised my other hand, lazily, and he took it, too, his fingers smoothing mine. I let my fingers twine with his, thumbs jousting gently, the heels of our hands lightly rubbing. He stood close enough that I felt the warmth of him, and the delicate brush of the sun-bleached hairs on his arm as he reached past my hip for more of the ointment.

  He paused, kissing me lightly once more in passing. Flames hissed on the hearth like shifting tides, and the firelight flickered dimly on the whitewashed walls, like light dancing on the surface of water far above. We might have been alone together at the bottom of the sea.

  "Roger wasn't being strictly romantic, you know," I said. "Or maybe he was-depending how one wants to look at it."

  Jamie looked quizzical, as he took my hand again. Our fingers locked and twined, moving slowly, and I sighed with pleasure.

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  "Aye?"

  "Bree asked me about birth control, and I told her what methods there are now-which are frankly not all that good, though better than nothing. But old Grannie Bacon gave me some seeds that she says the Indians use for contraception; supposed to be very effective."

  Jamie's face underwent the most comical change, from drowsy pleasure to wide-eyed astonishment.

  "Birth con-what? She-ye mean he-those clatty weeds-" "Well, yes. Or at least I think they may help prevent pregnancy." "Mmphm." The movement of his fingers slowed, and his brows drew to-

  gether-more in concern than disapproval, I thought. Then he returned to the job of massaging my hands, enveloping them in his much larger grasp with a decided movement that obliged me to yield to him.

  He was quiet for a few moments, working the ointment into my fingers more in the businesslike way of a man rubbing saddle soap into harness than one making tender love to his wife's devoted hands. I shifted slightly, and he seemed to realize what he was doing, for he stopped, frowning, then squeezed my hands lightly and let his face relax. He lifted my hand to his lips, kissed it, then resumed his massage, much more slowly.

  "Do ye think-" he began, and stopped. "What?"

  "Mmphm. It's only-does it not seem a bit strange to ye, Sassenach? That a young woman newly wed should be thinking of such a thing?"

  "No, it doesn't," I said, rather sharply. "It seems entirely sensible to me. And they aren't all that newly wed-they've been ... I mean, they bave got a child already."

  His nostrils flared in soundless disagreement.

  "Sbe has a child," he said. "That's what I mean, Sassenach. It seems to me that a young woman well-suited with her man wouldna be thinking first thing how not to bear his child. Are ye sure all is well between them?"

  I paused, frowning as I considered the notion.

  "I think so," I said at last, slowly. "Remember, Jamie-Bree comes from a time where women can decide whether or when to have babies, with a fair amount of certainty. She'd feel that such a thing was her right."

  The wide mouth moved, pursed in thought; I could see him struggling with the notion-one entirely contrary to his own experience.

  "That's the way of it, then?" he asked, finally. "A woman can say, I will, or I won't-and the man has no say in it?" His voice was filled with astonishmentand disapproval.

  I laughed a little.

  "Well, it's not exactly like that. Or not all the time. I mean, there are accidents. And ignorance and foolishness; a lot of women just let things happen. And most women would certainly care what their men thought about it. But yes ... I suppose if you come right down to it, that's right."

  He grunted slightly.

  "But MacKenzie's from that time, too. So he'll think nothing odd of it?" "He picked the weeds for her," I pointed out.

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  "So he did." The line stayed between his brows, but the frown cased somewhat.

  It was growing late, and the muffled rumble of talk and laughter was
dying down in the house below. The growing quiet of the house was pierced suddenly by a baby's wail. Both of us stood still, listening-then relaxed as the murmur of the mother's voice reached us through the closed door.

  "Besides, it's not so unusual for a young woman to think of such a thingMarsali came and asked me about it, before she married Fergus."

  "Oh, did she?" One eyebrow went up. "Did ye not tell her, then?" "Of course I did!"

  "Whatever ye told her didna work all that well, did it?" One corner of his mouth curled up in a cynic smile; Germain had been born approximately ten months following his parents' marriage, and Marsali had become pregnant with Joan within days of weaning him.

  I felt a flush rising in my cheeks.

  "Nothing works all the time-not even modern methods. And for that matter-nothing works at all if you don't use it." In fact, Marsali had wanted contraception not because she didn't want a baby-but only because she had feared that pregnancy would interfere with the intimacy of her relationship with Fergus. Men we get to the prick part, I want to like it had been her words on that memorable occasion, and my own mouth curled at the memory.

  My equally cynical guess was that she had liked it fine, and had decided that pregnancy was unlikely to diminish her appreciation of Fergus's finer points. But that rather came back to Jamie's fears about Brianna-for surely her intimacy with Roger was well established. Still, that was hardly ...

  One of Jamie's hands remained entwined with mine; the other left my fingers and reached elsewhere-very lightly.

  "Oh," I said, beginning to lose my train of thought.

  "Pills, ye said." His face was quite close, eyes hooded in thought as he worked. "That's how it's done-then?"

  "Um ... oh. Yes."

  "Ye didna bring any with you," he said. "When ye came back."

  I breathed deep and let it out, feeling as though I were beginning to dissolve.

  "No," I said, a little faintly.

  He paused a moment, hand cupped lightly. "Why not?" he asked quietly.

  "I ... well, I ... I actually-I thought-you have to keep taking them. I couldn't have brought enough. There's a permanent way, a small operation. It's fairly simple, and it makes one permanently ... barren." I swallowed. Viewing the prospect of coming back to the past, I had in fact thought seriously about the possibilities of pregnancyand the risks. I thought the possibility very low indeed, given both my age and previous history, but the risk ...

  Jamie stood stock-still, looking down.

  "For God's sake, Claire," he said at last, low-voiced. "Tell me that ye did it." I took a deep breath, and squeezed his hand, my fingers slipping a little.

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  "Jamie," I said softly, "if I'd done it, I would have told you." I swallowed again. "You ... would have wanted me to?"

  He was still holding my hand. His other hand left me, touched my back, pressed me-very gently-to him. His skin was warm on mine.

  We stood close together, touching, not moving, for several minutes. He sighed then, chest rising under my ear.

  "I've bairns enough," he said quietly. "I've only the one life-and that's you, mo cbridbe."

  I reached up and touched his face. It was ffirrowed with tiredness, rough with whiskers; he hadn't shaved in days.

  I bad thought about it. And had come very close indeed to asking a surgeon friend to perform the sterilization for me. Cold blood and clear head had argued for it; no sense in taking chances. And yet ... there was no guarantee that I would survive the journey, would reach the right time or place, would find him again. Still less, a chance that I might conceive again at my age.

  And yet, gone from him for so long, not knowing if I might find him-I could not bring myself to destroy any possibility between us. I did not want another child. But if I found him, and be should want it ... then I would risk it for him.

  I touched him, lightly, and he made a small sound in his throat and laid his face against my hair, holding me tight. Our lovernaking was always risk and promise-for if he held my life in his hands when he lay with me, I held his soul, and knew it.

  "I thought ... I thought you'd never see Brianna. And I didn't know about Willie. It wasn't right for me to take away any chance of your having another child-not without telling you."

  You are Blood of my blood, I had said to him, Bone of my bone. That was true, and always would be, whether children came of it or not.

  "I dinna want another child," he whispered. "I want you."

  His hand rose, as though by itself, touched my breast with a fingertip, left a shimmer of the scented ointment on my skin. I wrapped my hand, slippery and green-scented, round him, and stepped backward, bringing him with me toward the bed. I had just enough presence of mind left to extinguish the candle.

  "Don't worry for Bree," I said, reaching up to touch him as he rose over me, looming black against the firelight. "Roger picked the weeds for her. He knows what she wants."

  He gave a deep sigh, the breath of a laugh, that caught in his throat as he came to me, and ended in a small groan of pleasure and completion as he slid between my legs, well-oiled and ready.

  "I ken what I want, too," he said, voice muffled in my hair. "I shall pick ye another posy, tomorrow."

  DRUGGED WITH FATIGUE, languid with love, and lulled by the comforts of a soft, clean bed, I slept like the dead.

  Somewhere toward dawn, I began to dream-pleasant dreams of touch and

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  color, without form. Small hands touched my hair, patted my face; I turned on my side, half-conscious, dreaming of nursing a child in my sleep. Tiny soft fingers kneaded my breast, and my hand came up to cup the child's head. It bit me.

  I shrieked, shot bolt upright in bed, and saw a gray form race across the quilt and disappear over the end of the bed. I shrieked again, louder.

  Jamie shot sideways out of bed, rolled on the floor, and came up standing, shoulders braced and fists half-clenched.

  "What?" he demanded, glaring wildly round in search of marauders. "Who? What?"

  "A rat!" I said, pointing a trembling finger at the spot where the gray shape had vanished into the crevice between bed-foot and wall.

  "Oh." His shoulders relaxed. He scrubbed his hands over his face and through his hair, blinking. "A rat, aye?"

  "A rat in our bed," I said, not disposed to view the event with any degree of calm. "It bit me!" I peered closely at my injured breast. No blood to speak of; only a couple of tiny puncture marks that stung slightly. I thought of rabies, though, and my blood ran cold.

  "Dinna fash yourself, Sassenach. I'll deal with it." Squaring his shoulders once more, Jamie picked up the poker from the hearth and advanced purposefully on the bed-foot. The footboard was solid; there was a space of only a few inches between it and the wall. The rat must be trapped, unless it had managed to escape in the scant seconds between my scream and Jamie's eruption from the quilts.

  I got up onto my knees, ready to leap off the bed if necessary. Scowling in concentration, Jamie raised the poker, reached out with his free hand, and flipped the hanging coverlid out of the way.

  He whipped the poker down with great force-and jerked it aside, smashing into the wall.

  "What?" I said.

  "What?" he echoed, in a disbelieving tone. He bent closer, squinting in the dim light, then started to laugh. He dropped the poker, squatted on the floor, and reached slowly into the space between the bed-foot and wall, making a small chirping noise through his teeth. It sounded like birds feeding in a distant bush.

  "Are you talking to the rat?" I began to crawl toward the foot of the bed, but he motioned me back, shaking his head, while still making the chirping sound.

  I waited, with some impatience. Within a minute, he made a grab, evidently catching whatever it was, for he gave a small exclamation of satisfaction. He stood up, smiling, a gray, furry shape clutched by the nape, dangling like a tiny purse from his fingers.

  "Here's your wee ratten, Sassenach," he said, and
gently deposited a ball of gray fur on the coverlet. Huge eyes of a pale celadon green stared up at me, unblinking.

  "Well, goodness," I said. "Wherever did you come from?" I extended a finger, very slowly. The kitten didn't move. I touched the edge of a tiny gray-silk jaw, and the big green eyes disappeared, going to slits as it rubbed against my finger. A surprisingly deep purr rumbled through its miniature frame.

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  '7bat, " Jamie said, with immense satisfaction, "is the present I meant to give ye, Sassenach. He'll keep the vermin from your surgery."

  "Well, possibly very small vermin," I said, examining my new present dubiously. "I think a large cockroach could carry him-is it a him?-off to its lair, let alone a mouse."

  "He'll grow," Jamie assured me. "Look at his feet."

  He-yes, it was a he-had rolled onto his back and was doing an imitation of a dead bug, paws in the air. Each paw was roughly the size of a broad copper penny, small enough by themselves, but enormous by contrast with the tiny body. I touched the minuscule pads, an immaculate pink in their thicket of soft gray fur, and the kitten writhed in ecstasy.

  A discreet knock came at the door, and I snatched the sheet up over my bosom as the door opened and Mr. Wemyss's head poked in, his hair sticking up like a pile of wheat straw.

  "Er ... I hope all is well, sir?" he asked, blinking shortsightedly. "My lass woke me, sayin' as she thought there was a skelloch, like, and then we heard a bit of a bang, like-" His eyes, hastily averted from me, went to the scar of raw wood in the whitewashed wall, left by Jamie's poker.

  "Aye, it's fine, Joseph," Jamie assured him. "Only a wee cat."

  "Oh, aye?" Mr. Wemyss squinted toward the bed, his thin face breaking into a smile as he made out the blot of gray fur. "A chectie, is it? Well, and he'll be a fine help P the kitchen, I've nae doubt."

  "Aye. Speakin' of kitchens, Joseph--d'ye think your lassie might bring up a dish of cream for the baudrons here?"

  Mr. Wemyss nodded and disappeared, with a final avuncular smile at the kitten.

  Jamie stretched, yawned, and scrubbed both hands vigorously through his hair, which was behaving with even more reckless abandon than usual. I eyed him, with a certain amount of purely aesthetic appreciation.

  "You look like a woolly mammoth," I said. "Oh? And what is a mammoth, besides big?"

  "A sort of prehistoric elephant-you know, the animals with the long trunks? "

  He squinted down the length of his body, then looked at me quizzically. "Well, I thank ye for the compliment, Sassenach," he said. "Mammoth, is it?" He thrust his arms upward and stretched again, casually arching his back, which-quite inadvertently, I didn't think-enhanced any incidental resemblances that one might note between the half-engorged morning anatomy of a man, and the facial adornments of a pachyderm.

  Ilaughed. "That's not precisely what I meant," I said. "Stop waggling; Lizzie's coming in any minute. You'd better put your shirt on or get back in bed."

  The sound of footsteps on the landing sent him diving under the quilts, and sent the little cat scampering up the sheet in fright. In the event, it was Mr. Wemyss himself who had brought the dish of cream, sparing his daughter a possible sight of Himself in the altogether.

  The weather being fine, we had left the shutters open the night before. The sky outside was the color of fresh oysters, moist and pearly gray. Mr. Wemyss

  T

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  glanced at it, blinked and nodded at Jamie's thanks, and toddled back to his bed, thankful for a last half hour's sleep before the dawn.

  I disentangled the kitten, who had taken refuge in my hair, and set him down by the bowl of cream. I didn't suppose he could ever have seen a bowl of cream in his life, but the smell was enough-in moments, he was whisker-deep, lapping for all he was worth.

  "He's a fine thrum to him," Jamie remarked approvingly. "I can hear him from here."

  "He's lovely; wherever did you get him?" I nestled into the curve of Jamie's body, enjoying his warmth; the fire had burned far down during the night, and the air in the room was chilly, sour with ash.

  "Found him in the wood." Jamie yawned widely, and relaxed, propping his head on my shoulder to watch the tiny cat, who had abandoned himself to an ecstasy of gluttony. "I thought I'd lost him when Gideon bolted-I suppose he'd crept into one of the saddlebags, and came up wi' the other things."