The Fiery Cross

by Diana Gabaldon

  "Your husband's toes are gangrenous," I said. No point in trying not to alarm Beardsley now. "I'll have to amputate his foot." There was really no choice, though my heart sank at the notion of spending the next several daysor weeks-here, nursing Beardsley. I could hardly leave him to the tender care of his wife!

  She circled the table slowly, coming to a stop near his feet. Her face was blank, but a tiny smile appeared at the corners of her mouth, winking on and off, as though quite Aithout her willing it. She looked at the blackened toes for a long minute, then shook her head.

  "No," she said softly. "Let him rot."

  The question of Beardsley's understanding was resolved, at least; his open eye bulged, and he let out a shriek of rage, thrashing and flailing in an effort to get at her, so that he came perilously near to fAing onto the floor in his struggles. Jamie seized him, shoving and heaving to keep his ponderous bulk on the table. As Beardsley at last subsided, gasping and making mewling noises, Jamie straightened up, gasping himself, and gave Mrs. Beardsley a look of extreme dislike.

  She hunched her shoulders, pulling her shawl tight around them, but didn't retreat or look away. She raised her chin defiantly.

  "I am hith wife," she said. "I thall not let you cut him. It ith a rithk to hith life."

  "It's certain death if I don't," I said shortly. "And a nasty one, too. You-" I didn't get to finish; Jamie put a hand on my shoulder, squeezing hard.

  "Take her outside, Claire," he said quietly. "But-"

  "Outside." His hand tightened on my shoulder, almost painfiil in its pressure. "Dinna come back until I call for ye."

  His face was grim, but there was something in his eyes that made me go hollow and watery inside. I glanced at the sideboard, where his pistols lay beside my medicine chest, then back at his face, appalled.

  "You can't," I said.

  He looked at Beardsley, his face bleak.

  "I would put down a dog in such case without a second's thought," he said softly. "Can I do less for him?"

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  "He is not a dog!"

  "No, he is not." His hand dropped from my shoulder, and he circled the table, until he stood by Beardsley's side.

  "if ye understand me, man-close your eye," he said quietly. There was a moment's silence, and Beardsley's bloodshot eye fixed on Jamie's face-with undeniable intelligence. The lid closed slowly, then rose again.

  Jamie turned to me.

  "Go," he said. "Let it be his choice. If-or if not-I will call for ye."

  My knees were trembling, and I knotted my hands in the folds of my skirt. "No," I said. I looked 'at Beardsley, then swallowed hard and shook my head. "No," I said again. "I-if you ... you must have a witness."

  He hesitated a moment, but then nodded.

  "Aye, you're right." He glanced at Mrs. Beardsley. She stood stock-still, hands knotted under her apron, eyes darting from me to Jamie to her husband and back. Jamie shook his head briefly, then turned back to the stricken man, squaring his shoulders.

  "Blink once for yes, twice for nay," he said. "You understand?" The eyelid lowered without hesitation.

  "Listen, then." Jamie drew a deep breath and began to speak, in a flat, unemotional tone of voice, his eyes steady on the ruined face and the fierce gaze of its open eye.

  "Ye ken what has happened to you?" Blink.

  "Ye ken that my wife is a physician, a healer?"

  The eye rolled in my direction, then back to Jamie. Blink.

  "She says that you have suffered an apoplexy, that the damage carma be mended. You understand?"

  A huffing sound came from the lopsided mouth. This was not news. Blink. "Your foot is putrid. If it is not taken off, you will rot and die. You understand? "

  No response. The nostrils flared suddenly, moist, questing; then the air was expelled with a snort. He had smelled the rot; had suspected, perhaps, but not known for sure that it came from his own flesh. Not 'til now. Slowly, a blink.

  The quiet litany went on, statements and questions, each a shovelful of dirt, taken from a deepening grave. Each ending with the inexorable words, "You understand? "

  My hands and feet and face felt numb. The odd sense of sanctuary in the room had altered; it felt like a church, but no longer a place of refuge. A place now in which some ritual took place, leading to a solemn, predestined end.

  And it was predestined, I understood. Beardsley had made his choice long since-perhaps even before we arrived. He had had a month in that purgatory, after all, suspended in the cold dark between heaven and earth, in which to think, to come to grips with his prospects and make his peace with death.

  Did he -understand? Oh, yes, very well.

  Jamie bent over the table, one hand on Beardsley's arm, a priest in stained linen, offering absolution and salvation. Mrs. Beardsley stood frozen in the fall of light from the window, a stolid angel of denunciation.

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  The statements and the questions came to an end.

  "Will ye have my wife take your foot and tend your wounds?" One blink, then two, exaggerated, deliberate.

  Jamie's breathing was audible, the heaviness in his chest making a sigh of each word.

  "Do ye ask me to take your life?"

  Though one half of his face sagged lifeless and the other was drawn and haggard, there was enough of Beardsley left to show expression. The workable cornet of the mouth turned up in a cynical leer. Wbat there is left of it, said his silence. The eyelid fell-and stayed shut.

  Jamie closed his own eyes. A small shudder passed over him. Then he shook himself briefly, like a man shaking off cold water, and turned to the sideboard where his pistols lay.

  I crossed swiftly to him, laying a hand on his arm. He didn't look at me, but kept his eyes on the pistol he was priming. His face was white, but his hands were steady.

  "Go," he said. "Take her out."

  I looked back at Beardsley, but he was my patient no longer; his flesh beyond my healing or my comfort. I went to the woman and took her by the arm, turning her toward the door. She came with me, walking mechanically, and did not turn to look back.

  THE OUTDOORS SEEMED unreal, the sunlit yard unconvincingly ordinary. Mrs. Beardsley pulled free of my grip and headed toward the barn, walking fast. She glanced back over her shoulder at the house, then broke into a heavy run, disappearing through the open barn door as though fiends were after her.

  I caught her sense of panic and nearly ran after her. I didn't, though; I stopped at the edge of the yard and waited. I could feel my heart beating, slowly, thumping in my ears. That seemed unreal, too.

  The shot came, finally, a small flat sound, inconsequent amid the soft bleating of goats from the barn and the rustle of chickens scratching in the dirt nearby. Head, I wondered suddenly, or heart, and shuddered.

  It was long past noon; the cold, still air of the morning had risen and a chilly breeze moved through the dooryard, stirring dust and wisps of hay. I stood and waited. He would have paused, I thought, to say a brief prayer for Beardsley's soul. A moment passed, two, then the back door opened. Jamie came out, took a few steps, then stopped, bent over, and vomited.

  I started forward, in case he needed me, but no. He straightened and wiped his mouth, then turned and walked across the yard away from me, heading for the wood.

  I felt suddenly superfluous, and rather oddly affronted. I had been at work no more than moments before, deeply absorbed in the practice of medicine. Connected to flesh, to mind and body; attentive to symptoms, aware of pulse and breath, the vital signs. I hadn't liked Beardsley in the least, and yet I had been totally engaged in the struggle to preserve his life, to ease his suffering. I could still feel the odd touch of his slack, warm flesh on my hands.

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  Now my patient was abruptly dead, and I felt as though some small part of my body had been amputated. I thought I was perhaps a trifle shocked.

  I glanced at the house, my original sense of caution superseded by distast
eand something deeper. The body must be washed, of course, and decently laid out for burial. I had done such things before-with no great qualms, if without enthusiasm-and yet I found myself now with a great reluctance to go back into the place.

  I'd seen death by violence-and many much more distasteful than this was likely to have been. Death was death. Whether it came as passage, as parting, or in some cases, as dearly desired release ... Jamie had fteed Beardsley very suddenly from the prison of his stricken body; did his spirit perhaps still linger in the house, having not yet realized its freedom?

  "You are being superstitious, Beauchamp," I said severely to myself. "Stop it at once." And yet I didn't take a step toward the house, but hovered in the yard, keyed up like an indecisive hummingbird.

  If Beardsley was beyond my help, and Jamie in no need of it, there was still one who might require it. I turned my back on the house and went toward the barn.

  This was no more than a large open shed with a loft, fragrantly dark and filled with hay and moving shapes. I stood in the doorway until my eyes adjusted. There was a stall in one corner, but no horse. A rickety fence with a milking stanchion made a goat pen in the other corner; she was crouched inside it, on a pile of fresh straw. Half a dozen goats crowded and bumped around her, jostling and nibbling at the fringes of her shawl. She was little more than a hunched shape, but I caught the brief shine of a wary eye in the shadows.

  "Ith it over?" The question was asked softly, barely audible above the quiet grunting and bleating.

  "Yes." I hesitated, but she seemed in no need of my support; I could see better now-she had a small kid curled in her lap, her fingers stroking the small, silky head. "Are you quite all right, Mrs. Beardsley?"

  Silence, then the heavy figure shrugged and settled, some tension seeming to leave her.

  "I thcarthely know," she said softly. I waited, but she neither moved nor spoke further. The peaceful company of the goats seemed as likely as mine to be a comfort to her, so I turned and left them, rather envying her the warm refuge of the barn and her cheerful companions.

  We had left the horses in the dooryard, still saddled, tethered to an alder sapling. Jamie had loosened their girths and removed their saddlebags when he went to fetch my medicine box, but had not taken the time to unsaddle them. I did that now; plainly it would be some time yet before we could leave. I took off the bridles as well, and hobbled them, turning them loose to graze on the winter-brown grass that still grew thickly at the edge of the pines.

  There was a hollowed half-log on the western side of the house, plainly meant to nerve as a horse trough, but it was empty. Welcoming the chore for the delay it allowed me, I raised water from the well and emptied bucket after bucket into the trough.

  Wiping my wet hands on my skirt, I looked round for further useful occupation, but there wasn't any. No choice, then. I braced myself, poured more

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  water into the bucket, dropped in the hollow drinking gourd that stood on the edge of the well, and carried it back around the house, concentrating fiercely on not spilling any, in order to avoid thinking about the prospects within.

  When I raised my eyes, I was startled to see that the back door stood open. I was sure it had been closed before. Was Jamie inside? Or Mrs. Beardsley? Keeping a wary distance, I craned my neck to peep into the kitchen, but as I

  sidled closer, I heard the steady chuffof a spade shiffing dirt. I went around the far corner to find Jamie digging near a mountain-ash tree that stood by itself in the yard, a short distance from the house. He was still in shirtsleeves, and the wind blew the stained white linen against his body, ruffling the red hair over his face.

  He brushed it back with one wrist, and I saw with a small sense of shock that he was crying. He wept silently and somehow savagely, attacking the soil as though it were an enemy. He caught my movement from a corner of his eye, and stopped, swiping a blood-smeared shirtsleeve quickly across his face, as though to wipe away sweat from his brow.

  He was breathing hoarsely, loud enough to hear from a distance. I came silently and offered him the gourd of water, along with a clean handkerchief. He didn't meet my eyes, but drank, coughed, drank again, handed back the gourd, and blew his nose, gingerly. It was swollen, but no longer bleeding.

  "We won't sleep here tonight, will we?" I ventured to ask, seating myself on the chopping block that stood under the ash tree.

  He shook his head.

  "God, no," he said hoarsely. His face was blotched and his eyes bloodshot, but he had firm hold of himself. "We'll see him decently buried and go. I dinna mind if we sleep cold in the wood again-but not here." I agreed wholeheartedly with that notion, but there was one thing more to be considered.

  "And ... her?" I asked delicately. "Is she in the house? The back door is open."

  He grunted, and thrust in his shovel.

  "No, that was me. I'd forgot to leave it open when I came out before-to let the soul go free," he explained, seeing my upraised eyebrow.

  It was the complete matter-of-factness with which he offered this explanation, rather than the fact that it echoed my own earlier notion, that made the hairs prickle along my neck.

  "I see," I said, a little faintly.

  Jamie dug steadily for a bit, the shovel biting deep into the dirt. It was loamy soil and leaf mold here; the digging was easy. At last, without breaking the swing of the blade, he said, "Brianna told me a story she'd read once. I dinna recall all about it, quite, but there was a murder done, only the person killed was a wicked man, who had driven someone to it. And at the end, when the teller of the tale was asked what should be done, he said, 'Let pass the justice of God.' "

  I nodded. I was in agreement, though it seemed a trifle hard on the person who found himself required to be the instrument of such justice.

  "Do you suppose that's what it was, in this case? justice?"

  He shook his head; not in negation, but in puzzlement, and went on dig-

  T_

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  ging. I watched him for a bit, soothed by his nearness and by the hypnotic rhythm of his movements. After a bit, though, I stirred, steeling myself to face the task awaiting me.

  "I suppose I'd best go and lay out the body and clear up the loft," I said reluctantly, drawing my feet under me to rise. "We can't leave that poor woman alone with such a mess, no matter what she did."

  "No, wait, Sassenach," Jamie said, pausing in his digging. He glanced at the house, a little warily. "I'll go in with ye, in a bit. For now"-he nodded toward the edge of the wood-"d'ye think ye could fetch a few stones for the cairn?"

  A cairn? I was more than slightly surprised at this; it seemed an unnecessary elaboration for the late Mr. Beardsley. Still, there were undoubtedly wolves in the wood; I'd seen scats on the trail two days before. It also occurred to me that Jamie might be contriving an honorable excuse for me to postpone entering the house again-in which case, hauling rocks seemed a thoroughly desirable alternative.

  Fortunately, there was no shortage of suitable rocks. I fetched the heavy canvas apron that I wore for surgery from my saddlebag, and began to trundle to and fro, an ant collecting laborious crumbs. After half an hour or so of this, the thought of entering the house had begun to seem much less objectionable. Jamie was still hard at it, though, so I kept on.

  I stopped finally, gasping, and dumped yet another load out of my apron onto the ground by the deepening grave. The shadows were falling long across the dooryard, and the air was cold enough that my fingers had gone numb-a good thing, in view of the various scrapes and nicks on them.

  "You look a right mess," I observed, shoving a disheveled mass of hair off my own face. "Has Mrs. Beardsley come out yet?"

  He shook his head, but took a moment to get his breath back before replying.

  "No," he said, in a voice so hoarse I could scarcely hear him. "She's still wi' the goats. I daresay it's warm in there."

  I eyed him uneasily. Grave-digging is hard work; hi
s shirt was clinging to his body, soaked through in spite of the coldness of the day, and his face was flushed-with labor, I hoped, rather than fever. His fingers were white and as stiff as mine, though; it took a visible effort for him to uncurl them from the handle of the shovel.

  "Surely that's deep enough," I said, surveying his work. I would myself have settled for the shallowest of gouges in the soft earth, but slipshod work was never Jamie's way. "Do stop, Jamie, and change your shirt at once. You're wringing wet; you'll catch a terrible chill."

  He didn't bother arguing, but took up the spade and carefully neatened the comers of the hole, shaping the sides to keep them from crumbling inward. The shadows under the pine trees were growing thick, and the chickens had

  all gone to roost, feathery blobs perched in the trees like bunches of brown mistletoe. The forest birds had fallen silent, too, and the shadow of the house fell long and cold across the new grave. I hugged my elbows, and shivered at the quiet.

  Jamie tossed the shovel onto the ground with a clunk, startling me. He

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  climbed up out of the hole, and stood still for a minute, eyes closed, swaying with weariness. Then he opened his eyes and smiled tiredly at me.

  "Let's finish, then," he said.

  WHETHER THE OPEN DOOR had indeed allowed the deceased's spirit to flee, or whether it was only that Jamie was with me, I felt no hesitation in entering the house now. The fire had gone out, and the kitchen was cold and dim, yet there was no sense of anything evil within. It was simply ... empty.

  Mr. Beardsley's mortal remains rested peaceffilly under one of his own trade blankets, mute and still. Empty, too.

  Mrs. Beardsley had declined to assist with the formalities-or even to enter the house, so long as her husband's body remained inside-so I swept the hearth, kindled a new fire, and coaxed it into reluctant life, while Jamie took care of the mess in the loft. By the time he came down again, I had turned to the main business at hand.

  Dead, Beardsley seemed much less grotesque than he had in life; the twisted limbs were relaxed, the air of frantic struggle gone. Jamie had placed a linen towel over the head, though when I peeked beneath it, I could see that there was no gory mess to deal with; Jamie had shot him cleanly through the blind eye, and the ball had not burst the skull. The good eye was closed now, the blackened wound left staring. I laid the towel gently back over the face, its symmetry restored in death.

  Jamie climbed down the ladder, and came quietly to stand behind me, touching my shoulder briefly.

  "Go and wash," I said, gesturing behind me to the small kettle of water I had hung over the fire to heat. "I'll manage here."

  He nodded, stripped off his sodden, filthy shirt, and dropped it on the hearth. I listened to the small, homely noises he made as he washed. He coughed now and then, but his breathing sounded somewhat easier than it had outside in the cold.

  "I didna ken it might be that way," he said from behind me. "I thought an apoplexy would kill a man outright."

  "Sometimes that's so," I said, a little absently, frowning as I concentrated on the job at hand. "Most often that's the way of it, in fact."

  "Aye? I never thought to ask Dougal, or Rupert. Or Jenny. Whether my father-" The sentence stopped abruptly, as though he had swallowed it.

  Ah. I felt a small jolt of realization in my solar plexus. So that was it. I hadn't remembered, but he had told me of it, years before, soon after we were married. His father had seen Jamie flogged at Fort William, and under the shock of it, had suffered an a oplexy and died. Jamie, wounded and ill, had been spirited p

  away from the Fort and gone into exile. He had not been told of his father's death until weeks later-had no chance of farewell, had been able neither to bury his father nor honor his grave.

  "Jenny would have known," I said gently. "She would have told you, if. . . If Brian Fraser had suffered a death of such lingering ignominy as this, dwin-

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  dled and shrunken, powerless before the eyes of the family he had striven to protect.

  Would she? If she had nursed her father through incontinence and helplessness? If she had waited days or weeks, suddenly bereft of both father and brother, left alone to stare death in the face as it approached, moment by slow