The Fiery Cross

by Diana Gabaldon

  I could hear voices in the street below; Jamie, coming back from the camp, efore him on his saddle. He had formed the habit of taking with Jemmy held b

  T outd work without distraction. em with him on his daily errands, so that Bree c -only

  In consequence, Temmy had learned four new words two of them

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  obscene-and Jamie's good coat sported jam stains and smelled like a soiled di aper, but both of them seemed generally pleased with the arrangement.

  Bree's voice floated up from below, laughing as she went out to retrieve her son. Roger stood as though he'd been carved out of wood. He couldn't call to them, but he might have knocked on the window frame, or made some other noise, waved to them. But he didn't move.

  After a moment, I rose quietly and left the room, feeling a lump in my throat, hard and unswallowable.

  When Bree had carried Jemmy off for his bath, Jamie told me that Tryon had released most of the men captured during the battle. "Hugh Fowles among them." He put aside his coat and loosened the collar of his shirt,

  raising his face to the slight breeze from the window. "I spoke for him-and Tryon listened.-

  "As well he might," I said, with an edge to my voice. He glanced at me, and -oger, whose larynx was no made a noise deep in his throat. It reminded me of P

  orm Of expression. longer capable of that peculiarly Scottish f

  or Jamie raised his brows and I must have looked distressed at the thought, f

  touched my arm. It was too hot to embrace, but I pressed my cheek against his ort from the solidness of his body under the thin, shoulder bricfly, taking comf

  damp linen.

  "I sewed up Roger's throat," I said. "He can breathe-but I don't know whether he'll ever be able to talk again." Let alone sing. The unvoiced thought floated in the muggy air.

  Jamie made another noise, this one deep and angry.

  "I spoke to Tryon regarding his promise to Roger Mac, as well.

  me the document of the land grant He's given -five thousand acres, adjoining my own. His last official act as Govcrnor-almost.11

  "What do you mean by that?"

  "I said he's released most of the prisoners?" He moved away, restless. "All but twelve. He has a dozen men still gaoled, outlawed ringleaders of the Regulation. Or so he says." The irony in his voice was as thick as the dusty air.

  hold them for trial in a month, on charges of rebellion." "He'll "And if they're found guiJty-,,

  ore they hang.11 "At least they'll be able to speak bef

  though I wasn't sure He had stopped in front of the portrait, frowning,

  whether he was actually seeing it or not.

  661 NvilIna stay to see it. I told Tryon that we must go,

  farms to tend our crops and He has released the militia company from service, on those grounds."

  I felt a lightening of the weight on my heart. It would be cool in the moun rcsh. It was a good place to heal.

  tains, the air green and f "When will we go?"

  "Tomorrow." He had noticed the portrait; he nodded at the gape

  head on the platter in grim approval. -jawed "There's only the one thing to stay for, and I think there's little point to it, now.

  "What's that?"

  rorn the portrait. "I have been seek"Dougalls son," he said, turning away f

  rorn one end of the county to the other for ing William Buccleigh MacKenzie f

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  e past ten days. I found some who kent him, but none who has seen him th

  since Alamance. Some said perhaps he had left the Colony altogether. A good tnany of the Regulators have fled; Husband's gone-taken his family to Maryland, they say. But as for William MacKenzie, the man's disappeared like a snake down a rat-hole; him, and his family with him."

  Last night I dreamed that we were lying under a big rowan tree, Roger and I. It was a beautiful summer day, and we were having one of those conversations we used to have all the time, about things we missed. Only the things we were talking about were there on the grass between us.

  I said Pd sell my soulfor a Hershey bar with almonds, and there it was. I slipped the outer wrapper off, and I could smell the chocolate I unfolded the white paper wrapper inside and started eating the chocolate, but it was the paper we were talking about, tbcn-tbc wrapper.

  icked it up and said what he missed most was loo-paper; this was Roger p

  too slick to wipe your arse with. I laughed and said there wasn't anything

  t papcr--people could make it now, if they wanted to. complicated about toile

  nere was a roll of toilet paper on the ground; I pointed at it, and a big bumblebeeflew down andgrabbed the end of it andflcw off, unfurling the toilet paper in its wake. Itflew in and out, weaving it through the branches overhead.

  Then Roger said it was blasphemy to think about wiping yourself with paper-it is, here. Mama writes in tiny letters when she does her casc-notes, and when Da writes to Scotland be writes on both sides of the page, and then he turns it sideways and writes across the lines, so it looks like latticework.

  Then I could see Da, sitting on tbeground, writing a letter to Aunt jenny on the toilet paper, and it wasgating longer and longer and the bee was carrying it up into the air, flying off toward Scotland with it.

  I use more paper than anyone. AuntJocastagavc me some of her old sketchbooks to use, and a whole quire of watercolor papcr-but Ifcciguilty when I use them, because I know how expensive it is. I have to draw, though.

  --since Fin earnin A nice thing about doing this portraitfor Mrs. Sbcrston g money, Iftel like I can use a little paper.

  Then the dream changed and I was drawing pictures ofjcmmy, with a #2B yellow pencil. It said '7iconderoya" on it in black letters, like the ones we used to use in school. I was drawing on toilet paper, though, and the pcn cil kept ripping through it, and I was sofirustrated that I wadded up a bunch in my hand.

  Yhcn it went into one of those boring, uncomfortable dreams where you're wandering around looking for a place to go to the bathroom and can'tfind onc-and finally you wake up enough to realize tbatyou do have togo to the bathroom.

  I can't decide whether Id rather have the Hershey bar, the toilet paper, or the pencil. I think tIbe pencil. I could smell thcfrcsb1y-sbarpcned wood on

  658 Diana Gabaldon

  the point, andftel it between myfingers, and my teetb. I used to chew m y pencils, when I was little. I still remember wbat itfelt like to bite down bard andjeel the paint and wood9l .re, just a little, and munch my way up and down the length of the pencil, until it looked like a beaver had been gnawing on it.

  I was thinking about that, this afternoon. It made mefeel sad thatJem won-'t have a new yellow pencil, Or a luncbbox with Batman on it, when he goes to school--4f he ever doesgo to school.

  Roger's bands arc still too bad to hold a pen.

  And now I know that I don 't wantpencils or chocolate, or even toilet paper. I want Roger to talk to me agai .n.

  SPEAK MY NAME

  UR JOURNEY BACK TO Fraser's Ridge was much quicker than the one to Alamance, for A that the return was uphill. It was late

  0 May, and the cornstalks stood already high and green in the fields around Hillsborough, shedding golden pollen on the wind. The grain would just be up, in the mountains, and the newborn stock appearing, calves and foals and lambs needing protection from wolf and fox and bear. The militia company had disbanded at once upon receiving the Governor's dismissal, its members scattering in haste to return to their homesteads and fields.

  We were in consequence a much smaller party going back; only two wagons. A few of the men who lived near the Ridge had chosen to travel with us, as had the two Findlay boys, since we would pass by their mother's homestead on our way.

  I cast a covert glance at the Findlays, who were helping to unload the wagon and set up our nightly camp. Nice boys, though quiet. They were respectful of-and rather awed by-Jamie, but had developed a peculiar sense of alleg
iance to Roger over the course of the short-lived campaign, and this odd fidelity had continued, even after the militia's disbanding.

  They had come, the two of them, to see him in Hillsborough, wriggling their bare toes in embarrassment on Phoebe Sherston's Turkish carpets. Scarletfaced and nearly speechless themselves, they had presented Roger with three early apples, lopsided green nubbins obviously stolen from someone's orchard on the way.

  He had smiled broadly at them in thanks, picked up one of the apples, and taken a heroic bite from it before I could stop him. He hadn't swallowed anything but soup for a week, and nearly choked to death. Still, he got it down,

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  ,strangling and gasping, and all three of them had sat there grinning wordlessly pt each other, tears standing in their eyes. traveled, The Findlays were usually to be found somewhere near Roger as we

  Agways watchful, leaping to help with anything he couldn't quite manage with . injured hands. Jamie had told me about their uncle, lain Mhor; plainly they a good deal of experience in anticipating unspoken needs.

  ', Young and strong, Roger had healed quickly, and the fractures weren't bad bnes-but two weeks was not a long time for broken bones to knit

  - I would to keep him bandaged for another week, but he was all too e preferred

  chafing at the restraint. I had reluctantly taken the

  splints off his fingers plainly

  $be day before, warning him to take things easy

  "Don't you darc," I said now, seizing his arm as he reached into the wagon for one of the heavy rucksacks of supplies. He looked down at me, one eyebrow rAised, then shrugged good-naturedly and stood back, letting Hugh Findlay

  Roger pointed at the ring of fire-stones lain pull out the sack and carry it away

  4ndlay was assembling, then at the woods nearby. Could he gather firewood? and raised his -Certainly not," I said firmly. He pantomimed drinking,

  brows. Fetch water?

  "No," I said. "All it needs is for a bucket to slip, and. .

  I looked around, trying to think of something he could safely do, but all q:amp-making chores involved rough work. At the same time, I knew how gaffing he found it to stand by, feeling useless. He was bloody tired of being treated like an invalid, and I could see the gleam of incipient rebellion in his tye. One more "no" and he would probably try to pick up the wagon, just to spite me.

  "Can he write, Sassenach?" Jamie had paused by the wagon, and noticed the impasse in progress.

  , cWrite? Write what?" I asked in surprise, but he was already reaching past me, digging out the battered portable writing-desk he carried when traveling. "Love letters?" Jamie suggested, grinning down at me. "Or sonnets,

  maybe?" He tossed the lap-desk to Roger, who caught it neatly in his arms, even as I yelped in protest. "But perhaps before ye compose an epic in William ur mutual Tryon's honor, Roger Mac, ye might oblige me wi' the tale of how o

  kinsman came to try and murder ye7 aye?'

  Roger stood stock-still for a moment, clutching the desk, but then gave Jamie a lopsided smile, and nodded Slowly.

  He had begun while the camp was set up, paused to eat supper, and then taken up the task again. it was tiresome work, and very slow; the fractures were mostly healed, but his hands were very stiff, sore and awkward. He had dropped the quill a dozen times- It made my own finger-joints ache just to watch him.

  c4ow! Will you stop that?" I looked up from scouring out a pan with a handful of rushes and sand, to find Brianna locked in mortal combat with her son, who was arched backward like a bow over her arm, kicking, squirming, and making the sort of nerve-wracking fuss that makes even devoted parents m0 mentarily contemplate infanticide. I saw Roger's shoulders draw up toward his ears at the racket, but he went doggedly onwith his writing.

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  "What is the matter with you?" Bree demanded crossly. She knelt and wrestled Jemmy into a semi-sitting position, evidently trying to make him lie down so she could change his clout for the night.

  The diaper in question was much in need of attention, being wet, grimy, and hanging halfway down the little boy's legs. Jem, having slept most of the afternoon in the wagon, had wakened sun-dazed, cranky, and in no mood to be trifled with, let alone changed and put to bed.

  "Perhaps he isn't tired yet," I suggested. "He's eaten, though, hasn't he?" This was a rhetorical question; Jemmy's face was smeared with hasty pudding, and he had bits of eggy toast in his hair.

  "Yes." Bree ran a hand through her own hair, which was cleaner, but no less disheveled. Jem wasn't the Only cranky one in the MacKenzie family. 44Maybe he's not tired, but I am." She was; she had walked beside the wagon most of the day, to spare the horses on the steepening slopes. So had 1.

  "Leave him here and go have a wash, why don't your I said, nobly suppressing a yawn. I picked up a large wooden spoon and waggled it alluringly toward Jem, who was oscillating back-ward and forward on his hands and knees, emitting horrible whining noises. Spotting the spoon, he stopped making the noise, but crouched in place, glaring suspiciously.

  I added an empty tin cup to the lure, setting it on the ground near him. That was enough; he rolled onto his bottom with a squish, picked up the spoon with both hands and began trying to pound the cup into the dirt

  with it.

  Bree cast me a look of profound gratitude, scrambled to her feet, and disappeared into the woods, heading down the slope to the small creek. A quick rinse in cold water, surrounded by dark forest, wasn't quite the sybaritic escape that a fragrant bubble-bath by candlelight might be-but "escape" was the important word here. A little solitude worked wonders for a mother, as I knew from experience. And if cleanliness was not quite next to godliness, having clean feet, face, and hands definitely improved one's outlook on the universe, particularly after a day of sweat, grime, and dirty diapers.

  I examined MY own hands critically; between horse-leading, fire-starting, cooking, and pot-scouring, my own outlook on the universe could stand a bit of improvement, too.

  Still, water was not the only liquid capable of fifting one's spirits. Jamie reached over my shoulder, put a cup of something into my hands, and sat down beside me, his own cup in hand.

  'rShiinte, mo nighean donn, "he said softly, smiling at me as he lifted his cup in salute.

  "Mmm." I closed my eyes, inhaling the fragrant fumes. "Is it proper to say 'Sliinte,'if it isn't whisky you're drinking?" The liquid in the Cup was wineand a nice one, too, rough but with a good round flavor, redolent of sun and grape leaves.

  "I canna see why not,- Jamie said logically. cc

  health, after all." It's only to wish ye good "True, but I think 'Good Health, may be more a practical wish than a figurative one, at least with some whiskies-that you hope the person you're toasting survives the experience of drinking it, I mean."

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  He laughed, eyes creasing in amusement.

  "I havena killed anyone wi' my distilling yet, Sassenach."

  "I didn9t mean yours," I assured him, pausing for another sip. "Oh, that's nice. I was thinking of those three militiamen from Colonel Ashe's regiment." The three in question had been found blind-drunk-in one case, literally blind-by a sentry, after having indulged in a bottle of so-called whisky, ob;tained from God knew where.

  As Ashe's Company had no surgeon, and we were camped next to them, I had been summoned in the middle of the night to deal with the matter, as best I could. All three men had survived, but one had lost the sight in one eye and another plainly had minor brain-damage-though privately, I had my doubts as to how intelligent he could have been to start with.

  Jamie shrugged. Drunkenness was a simple fact of life, and bad brewing was another.

  "nig a seo, a chuisle!" he called, seeing jemmy, who had lost interest in spoon and cup, making off on hands and knees toward the coffeepot, which had been left to keep hot between the stones of the fire-ring. Jemmy ignored "the summons, but was snatched away from danger by Tom F
indlay, who snagged him neatly round the waist and delivered him, kicking, to Jamie.

  "Sit," Jamie said firmly to him, and without waiting for a response, parked the child on the ground and handed him his ball of rags. Jemmy clutched this, looking craffily from his grandfather to the fire.

  "Throw that in the fire, a chuis1c, and I'll smack your bum," Jamie informed him pleasantly. Jemmy's brow contorted and his lower lip protruded, quivering dramatically. He didn't throw the ball into the fire, though.

  "A cuisb1c?" I said, trying out the pronunciation. "That's a new one. What's it mean?"

  "Oh." Jamie rubbed a finger across the bridge of his nose, considering. "It means 'my blood'."

  "I thought that was mofuil."

  "Aye, it is, but that's blood like what comes out when ye wound yourself. A cbuis1c is more like . . . '0, thou in whose veins runs my very blood.' Ye only say it to a wee bairn, mostly-one ye're related to, of course."

  "That's lovely." I set my empty wine-cup on the ground and leaned against Jamie's shoulder. I still felt tired, but the magic of the wine had smoothed the rough edges of exhaustion, leaving me pleasantly muzzy.

  "Would you call Germain that, do you think, or Joan? Or is it meant very literally, a chuisle?"

  "I should be more inclined to call Germain un petit emmerdeur," he said, with a faint snort of amusement. "But Joan-aye, I would call wee Joanie a cbuis1c. It's blood of the heart, ken, not only the body."

  Jemmy had let his rag-ball fall to the ground and was staring in openmouthed enchantment at the fireflies, which had begun to blink in the grass as darkness fell. With our stomachs full and cool rest at hand, everyone was beginning to feel the soothing effects of the gathering night.

  The men were sprawled in the grassy dark under a sycamore tree, passing the wine bottle from hand to hand and exchanging talk in the easy, half-connected

  662 Diana Gabaldon

  fashion of men who know each other well. The Findlay boys were on the wagon-track, that being the only really clear space, throwing something back and forth, missing half their catches as darkness fell, and exchanging genial shouted insults.

  There was a loud rustling of bushes beyond the fire, and Brianna emerged, looking damp, but much more cheerful. She Paused by Roger, a hand light on his back, and looked over his shoulder at what he was writing. He glanced up at her, then, with a shrug of resignation, withdrew the finished pages of his opus and handed them to her. She knelt down beside him and began to read, brushing back wet strands of hair and frowning to make out the letters by firelight.

  A firefly landed on Jamie's shirt, glowing cool green in the shadowed folds of cloth. I moved a finger toward it, and it flew away, spiraling above the fire like a runaway spark.

  "It was a good idea, making Roger write," I said, looking across the fire with approval. "I can't wait to find out what actually happened to him."

  "Nor I," Jamie agreed. "Though wi' William Buccleigh vanished, what's happened to Roger Mac is maybe no so important as what will happen to him." I didn't have to ask what he meant by that. More than anyone, he knew

  what it meant, to have a life kicked out from under one-and what strength was required to rebuild it. I reached for his right hand, and he let me take it. Under cover of darkness, I stroked his crippled fingers, tracing the thickened ridges of the scars.

  "So it doesn't matter to you, to find out whether your cousin is a coldblooded murderer or not?" I asked lightly, to cover the more serious conversation going on silently between our hands.

  He made a small, gruff sound that might have been a laugh. His fingers curled over mine, smooth with callus, pressing in acknowledgement.

  "He's a MacKenzie, Sassenach. A MacKenzie of Leoch."

  "Hm." The Frasers were stubborn as rocks, I'd been told. And Jamie himself had described the MacKenzies of Leoch-charming as larks in tbefieldand sly asfoxes, with it. That had certainly been true of his uncles, Colum and Dougal. I hadn't heard anything to indicate that his mother, Ellen, had shared that particular family characteristic-but then, Jamie had been only eight when she died. His aunt Jocasta? No one's fool, certainly, but with a good deal less scope for plotting and scheming than her brothers had had, I thought.

  "You what?" Brianna's exclamation drew my attention back to the other side of the fire. She was looking at Roger, the pages in her hand, an expression of mingled amusement and dismay on her face. I couldn't see Roger's face; he was turned toward her. One hand rose in a shushing gesture, though, and he turned his head toward the tree where the men sat drinking, to be sure no one had heard her exclamation.