The Fiery Cross

by Diana Gabaldon

  noise like something tearing overhead. Everyone looked up and began to scream. "

  The crack through the slanted ceiling hadn't looked particularly frightening; just a thin black line that zigzagged back and forth like a jigsaw snake, following the lines of the tiles. But then it widened suddenly, a gaping maw like a dragon's mouth, and dirt and tiles began to pour down.

  He had long since thawed, and yet every hair on his body rippled now with gooseflesh. His heart pounded against the inside of his chest, and he felt as though the noose had drawn tight about his neck again.

  "She let go," he said, in a strangled whisper. "She let go my hand." Brianna's hand gripped his in both of hers, hard, trying to save the child he'd been.

  "She had to," she said, in an urgent whisper. "Roger, she wouldn't have let go unless she had to."

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  "No." He shook his head violently. "That's not what-I mean-wait. Wait a minute, OK?"

  He blinked hard, trying to slow his breathing, fitting back the shattered pieces of that night. Confusion, frenzy, pain ... but what had actually happened? He had kept nothing save an impression of bedlam. But he had lived through it; he must know what had happened-if he could bring himself to live through it again.

  Brianna's hand clutched his, her fingers still squeezing tight enough to stop the blood. He patted her hand, gently, and her grip relaxed a little.

  He closed his eyes, and let it happen.

  "I didn't remember at first," he said at last, quietly. "Or rather, I did-but I remembered what people told me had happened." He had had no memory of being carried unconscious through the tunnel, and once rescued, he had spent several weeks being shuttled round Aid shelters and foster homes with other orphans, mute with terrified bewilderment.

  "I knew my name, of course, and my address, but that didn't help much under the circumstances. My dad had already gone down-anyway, by the time the Aid people located Gran's brother-that was the Reverend-and he came to fetch me, they'd pieced together the story of what happened in the shelter.

  "It was a miracle that I hadn't been killed with everyone else on that stair, they told me. They said my mother must somehow have lost hold of me in the panic-I must have been separated from her and carried down the stair by the crowd; that's how I ended on the lower level, where the roof hadn't given way.15

  Brianna's hand was still curled over his, protective, but no longer squeezing. "But now you remember what happened?" she asked quietly.

  "I did remember her letting go my hand," he said. "And so I thought the rest of it was right, too. But it wasn't.

  "She let go my hand," he said. The words came more easily now; the tightness in his throat and chest was gone. "She let go my hand ... and then she picked me up. That small woman-she picked me up, and threw me over the wall. Down into the crowd of people on the platform below. I was knocked mostly out by the fall, I think-but I remember the roar as the roof went. No one on the stair survived."

  She pressed her face against his chest, and he felt her take a deep, shuddering breath. He stroked her hair, and his pounding heart began to slow at last.

  "It's all right," he whispered to her, though his voice was thick and cracked, and the firelight burst in starry blurs through the moisture in his eyes. "We won't forget. Not Jem, not me. No matter what. We won't forget."

  He could see his mother's face, shining clear among the stars. Clever lad, she said, and smiled.

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  HE SNOW BEGAN TO MELT. I was torn between pleasure at the thawing of the world and the throb of spring in the ground-and T

  disturbance at the loss of the frozen barrier that shielded us, however temporarily, from the world outside.

  Jamie had not changed his mind. He spent an evening in composing a carefully worded letter to Milford Lyon. He was now ready, he wrote, to contemplate the sale of his goods-for which, read illegal whisky-as Mr. Lyon had suggested, and was pleased to say that a substantial quantity was now available. He was, however, concerned lest his goods suffer some misfortune in delivery-i.e., interception by customs authorities or pilferage en route-and wished some assurance that his goods would be handled by a gentleman of known ability in such matters-in other words, a smuggler who knew his way up and down the coast.

  He had received assurances from his good friend Mr. Priestly of Edenton (whom he did not, of course, know from a hole in the ground), he wrote, and from Mr. Samuel Cornell, with whom he had had the honor to serve upon the Governor's Council of War, that one Stephen Bonnet was by far the most able in such endeavors, with a reputation for ability unsurpassed by others. If Mr. Lyon would arrange a meeting with Mr. Bonnet, so that Jamie might form his own impressions and assure himself of the safety of the arrangement contemplated, why then ...

  "Do you think he'll do it?" I asked.

  "If he knows Stephen Bonnet or can find him, aye, he will." Jamie pressed his father's cabochon ring into the wax seal. "Priestly and Cornell are names to conjure with, to be sure."

  "And if he does find Bonnet-"

  "Then I will go and meet with him." He cracked the ring from the hardened wax, leaving a smooth indentation surrounded by the tiny strawberry leaves of the Fraser crest. Constancy, they stood for. In some moods, I was sure this was merely another word for stubbornness.

  The letter to Lyon was dispatched with Fergus, and I tried to dismiss it from my mind. It was still winter; with only a little luck, Bonnet's ship might meet with a storm and sink, saving us all a good deal of trouble.

  Still, the matter lurked in the recesses of my mind, and when I returned to the house after attending a childbirth to find a pile of letters on the desk in Jarnie's study, my heart leaped into my throat.

  There was-thank God!-no answer among them ftom Milford Lyon. Even had such an answer come, though, it would have been promptly eclipsed and forgotten-for among the sheaf of correspondence was a letter bearing Jamie's name, written in his sister's strong black hand.

  I could scarcely keep myself from tearing it open at once-and if it were some searing reproach, sticking it directly into the fire before Jamie could see it. Honor prevailed, though, and I managed to contain myself until Jamie arrived from an errand to Salem, plastered with mud from the impassable trails. Informed of the waiting missive, he splashed hands and face hastily with water, and came to the study, carefully shutting the door before breaking the seal of the letter.

  His face showed nothing, but I saw him take a deep breath before opening it, as though bracing for the worst. I moved quietly round behind him, and put a hand on his shoulder in encouragement.

  Jenny Fraser Murray wrote in a well-schooled hand, the letters round and graceful, the lines straight and easily readable on the page.

  Brother,

  September 16, 1771

  Well. Having taken up my pen and written the single word above, I have now sat here starin

  ,g at it 'til the candle has burned almost an inch, and me having not one thought what I shall say. It would be a wicked waste ofgood beeswax to continue so, and yet if I were to put the candle out andgo, to bed, I should have spoilt a sbeet ofpaper to no purpose-so I see I mustgo, on, in the name of thrift.

  I could berate you. 7bat would occupy some space upon the page, and preserve what my husband ispleascd to compliment as the mostfoul and hideous curses he has been privileged to bear in a long life. 7bat seems thrifty, as I was atgrcat pains in the composition of them at the time, and should not like to see the effort wasted. Still, I think I have not so much paper as would contain them all.

  I think also that perhaps, after all, I do not wish to rail or condemn you, for you might take this as a just punishment, and so ease your conscience in perceived expiation, so tbatyou leave offyour chastising ofyourse6r. That is too simple a penance; I would that ifyou have wove a bairsbirtfor yoursey', you wear it still, and may it chafe your soul as the loss of my son chafes mine.

  In spite of this, I suppose that I am writing t
o forgive you-I bad some purpose in taking up my pen, I know, and wbileforgiveness seems a doubtful enterprise to me at present, I expect the notion willgrow more comfortable with practice.

  Jamie's brows rose nearly to his hairline at this, but he continued to read aloud with fascination.

  You will be curious to know what has led me to this action, I suppose, so I will tell you.

  866 Diana Gabaldon

  1 rode to visit Maggie early Monday last; she has a new babe, so you are once more an uncle; a bonnie wee lassie called Anyelica, which is a foolish name, I think, but she is veryfair and born with a strawberry mark on her chest, which is a cbarmforgood. I left them in the evening, and had made some way towards home when my mule chanced to step into a mole's bole andfell. Both mule and I rose up somewhat lamedfrom this accident, and it was clear that I could not ride the creature nor yet make shift to travel far byfoot myself-

  Ifound myself on the road Auldearn just over the billfrom Balriggan. I should not normally seek the society of Laogbaire MacKenzie-for she has resumed that name, I having made plain in the district my dislike of her use of "Fraser, " she having no proper claim to that style-but it was the only place where I might obtain food and shelter, for night was coming on, with the threat of rain.

  So I unsaddled the mule and lcft him to find his supper by the road, while I limped off in search of mine.

  I came down behind the house, past the kailyard, and so came upon the arbor that you built. The vines are wcllgrown on it now, so I could see notbing, but I could bear that there werefolk inside, for I heard voices.

  The rain had begun by then. It was not but a smizzle, yet the patter on the leaves must have drowned my voice, for no one answered when I called. I came closcr-creeping like a spavined snail, to be sure, for I wasgromished from thefall and my right anklegruppit-and wasjust about to call once more, when I beard sounds of a rare bocbmagandyfrom inside the arbor

  "Hochmagandy?" I glanced at Jamie, brows raised in question. "Fornication," he said tersely.

  "Oh," I said, and moved to look over his shoulder at the letter.

  I stood still, of course, thinking what was best to do. I could hear that it was Laoybaire shedding her shanks, but I bad no hint who her partner might be. My ankle was blown up like a bladder, so I could not walk much farther, and so I was obliged to stand about in the wet, listening to all this inhonest6.

  I should have known, bad she been courted by a man of the district, and I bad beard nothing of her paying beed to any-thougb several have tried; she has Balriggan, after all, and lives like a laird on the money you pay her.

  I wasfilled with outrage at the hearing, but somewhat morefilled with amazement to discover the cause. That being a sense offury on your behalf--irrational as suchfury might be, in the circumstances. Still, having discovered such an emotion springingfull-blown in my breast. I was reluctantly compelled to the realization that myftelingsfor you must not in fact have perished altogether.

  Here the text broke off, as Jenny had apparently been called away upon some domestic errand. It resumed, freshly dated, on the next page.

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  I dream ofyoung Ian now and then....

  September 18, 1771

  "What?" I exclaimed. "To hell with Young Ian-who was with Laoghaire?" "I should like to know that myself," Jamie muttered. The tips of his ears were dark with blood, but he didn't look up from the page.

  I dream of Ian now and then. These dreams most often take the shape of daily life, and I see him here at Lallybroch, but now and again I dream of him in his life among the savages--if indeed be still lives (and 1persuade myself that my heart would by some means know if he did not) -

  So I see that what it comes to in the end is only the same thing with which I began-tbat one word, "Brother. " You arc my brother, as young Ian is my son, the both ofyou myflesb and my spirit and always shall be. If the loss of

  1-an haunts my dreams, the loss ofyou haunts my days, Jamie.

  He stopped reading for a moment, swallowing, then went on, his voice steady.

  I have been writing letters all the morning, debating with myself whether

  to finish this one, or to put it into tbcfire instead. But now the accounts arc done, I have written to everyone I can think of, and the clouds havcgonc away, so the sun shines through the window by my desk, and the shadows of Mother's roses arefalling over me.

  I have thought to myself often and often that I beard my mother speak to me, through all these years. I do not need to bear her now, though, to ken well enough what she would say. And so I shall not put this in thefire.

  You remember, do you, the day I broke thegood cream-pitcber, flinging it at your bead because you deviled me? I know you recall the occasion, for you once spoke to Claire of it. I hesitated to admit the crime, and you took the blame upon yourself, but Father kent the truth of it, and punished us both.

  So now I am agrandmotber ten times over, with my bairgonegrey, and still Ifeel my cbeeksgo hot with shame and my wame shrink like a fist, thinking of Father bidding us kneel down side by side and bend over the bench to be whipped.

  You yelped andgrunted like a puppy when be tawsed you, and I could scarce breathe and did not dare to look at you. Then it was my turn, but I was so wrought with emotion that I think I barclyfelt the strokes. No doubt you are reading this and saying indignantly that it was only Father was softer with me because I was a lass. Well, maybe so, and maybe no; I will say Ian isgentle with his daughters.

  Jamie snorted at this.

  "Aye, ye've got that right," he muttered. He rubbed his nose with one finger and resumed, drumming his fingers on the desk as he read.

  But then Father said you would have another whipping, this onefor lying-for the truth was the truth, after all. I would bavegot up andfled

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  away then, but he bade me stay as I was, and be said to me, quiet, that while you would pay the price of my cowardice, be did not think it rightfor me to escape it altogether.

  Doyou know tbatyou did not make a sound, the second time? I bopeyou did notftel the strokes of the tawse on your backside, because Ifelt each one. I swore that day that I should not ever be a coward again.

  And Isee that it is cowardice indeed, that Isbouldgo on blamingyoufor roung Ian. I have always kent what it is to love a man-be be husband or brother, lover or son. A dangerous business; that's what it is.

  Mengo where they will, they do as they must; it is not a woman's part to bid them stay, nor yet to reproach them for being what tbey are-orfor not coming back.

  I knew it when I sent Ian to France with a cross of birchwood and a lock of my hair made into a love knot, praying that be might come home to me, body and soul. I knew it when 1,gavc you a rosary and saw you off to Leocb, hoping you would notforget Lallybrocb or me. I knew it when Toungjamie swam to the seal's island, when Michael took shipfor Paris, and I should have known it, too, when wee Ian went with you.

  But I have been blessed in my life; my men have always come back to me. Maimed, perhaps; a bit singed round the edges now and then; crippled, crumpled, tattered, and torn-but I have alwaysgot them back. Igrew to expect that as my right, and I was wrong to do so.

  I have seen so many widows since the Rising. I cannot say why I thought should be exemptfrom their suffering, why I alone should lose none of my men, and only one of my babes, my weegirl-cbild. And since I bad lost Caitlin, I treasured Ian, for I knew be was the last babe I should bear.

  I thought him my babe still; I should have kent himfor the man he was. And that being so, I know well enough that whether you might have stopped him or no, you would not-for you are one of the damnable creatures, too.

  Now I have nearly reached the end of this sheet, and I think it profligate to begin another.

  Mother loved you always, Jamie, and when she kent she was dying, she calledfor me, and bade me carefor you. As though I could ever stop. Your most Affectionate and Loving Sister, Janet Flora Arabella Fraser Murray
/>
  Jamie held the paper for a moment, then set it down, very gently. He sat with his head bent, propped on his hand so that I couldn't see his face. His fingets were splayed through his hair, and kept moving, massaging his f

  orehead as he slowly shook his head, back and forth. I could hear him breathing, with a slight catch in his breath now and then.

  Finally he dropped his hand and looked up at me, blinking. His face was deeply flushed, there were tears in his eyes, and he wore the most remarkable expression, in which bewilderment, fury, and laughter were all mingled, laughter being only slightly uppermost.

  "Oh, God," he said. He sniffed, and wiped his eyes on the back of his hand. "Oh, Christ. How in hell does she do that?"

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  "Do what?" I pulled a clean handkerchief from my bodice and handed it to him.

  4IMake me feel as though I am eight years old," he said ruefully. "And an idiot, to boot."

  He wiped his nose, then reached out a hand to touch the flattened roses, gently.

  I wAS THRILLED with jenny's letter5 and knew that Jamie's heart was substantially lightened by its receipt. At the same time, I remained extremely curious about the incident she had begun to describe-and knew that Jamie was even more interested, though he careftilly refrained from saying so.

  A letter arrived a week or so later, sent by his brother-in-law Ian, but while this contained the usual news of Lallybroch and Broch Mordha, it made no mention whatever of jenny's adventure near Balriggan, nor her subsequent discovery in the grape arbor.

  "I don't suppose you could ask either of them?" I suggested delicately, perched on the fence as I watched him preparing to castrate a litter of piglets. "Ian or jenny?"

  "I could not," Jamie replied firmly. "And after all, it's no my business, is it? If yon woman was ever my wife, she surely is not now. If she chooses to take a lover, it's her own affair. Surely." He stamped on the foot-bellows, fanning up the small fire in which the cautery iron was heating, and pulled the castrating shears from his belt. "Which end of the business d'ye want, Sassenach?"

  It was a choice between the strong possibility of being bitten while clipping the teeth and the certainty of being shitten while assaulting the other end. The unfortunate truth was that Jamie was far stronger than 1, and while he could certainly castrate an animal with no difficulty at all, I did have some professional expertise. it was therefore practicality rather than heroism that dictated my choice, and I had prepared for this activity by donning my heavy canvas apron, wooden clogs, and a ragged ex-shirt that had once belonged to Fergus, and was bound from the pigpen straight into the fire.

  ,,you hold; I'll snip." I slid off the fence and took the shears.

  There ensued a brief but noisy interlude, after which the five piglets were sent off to a consolatory meal of kitchen scraps, their rear aspects heavily daubed with a tar and turpentine mixture to prevent infection.

  "'OvIat do you think?" I asked, seeing them settle down to their feeding in an apparent state of content. 441f you were a pig, I mean. Would you rather root for your food, but keep your balls, or give them up and wallow in luxurious swill?" These would be kept penned, raised carefiillv on slops for tender meat, while most of the pigs were routinely turned out into the wood to manage for themselves.

  Jamie shook his head. "And they've "I suppose they canna miss what they've never had," he said. watching the had food, after all." He leaned on the fence for a few moments,

  curly tails begin to wag and twirl with pleasure, the tiny wounds beneath apparently forgotten.

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  "Besides," he added cynically, "a pair of ballocks may bring a man more sorrow than joythough I havena met many who'd wish them gone, for all that." "Well, priests might find them a burden, I suppose." I pulled the stained

  shirt gingerly away from my body before liffing it over my head. "Phew. Nothing smells worse than pig excrement-nothing."

  "What-not a blackbirder's hold, or a rotting corpse?" he asked, laughing. "Festering wounds? A billy goat?"

  "Pig shit," I said firmly. "Hands down."

  Jamie took the wadded shirt from me and ripped it into strips, reserving the cleanest ones for jobs like wiping tools and wedging cracks. The rest he consigned to the fire, stepping back as a random breeze blew a plume of reeking smoke in our direction.

  "Aye, well, there was Narses. He was a great general, or so they say, in spite of being a eunuch."

  "Perhaps a man's mind works better without the distraction," I suggested, laughing.

  He gave no more than a brief snort in reply to this, though it was tinged with amusement. He shoveled dirt onto the cinders of the fire, while I retrieved my cautery iron and tar-pot, and we went back to the house, talking of other things.

  My mind lingered on that one remark, though-"a pair of ballocks may bring a man more sorrow than joy." Had he been speaking only generally? I wondered. Or had there been some personal allusion lurking in it?

  In everything he had ever said to me regarding his brief marriage to Laoghaire MacKenzie-little as that was, by our common consent-there had been no hint that he had felt physically drawn to her. He had wed her from loneliness and a sense of duty, wanting some small anchor in the emptiness his life had been after his return from England. Or so he had said.