Another Breath, Another Sunrise: A Holocaust Novel (Michal's Destiny Book 4)

by Roberta Kagan

  “That’s not fair,” Lotti said. She was so heated she wanted to cry. She wanted to throw the ration cards at him and tell him that she didn’t need his charity. But she couldn’t because she did need it, and Berni needed it too. “What you don’t know, my American friend, is this….” Lotti took a deep breath, stared into Gabe’s eyes, and then continued to speak in a low growl. “I was married to a Jewish man. He was my husband, the love of my life, and my best friend. He was killed by the Nazis. They let me live. I would rather have died. Just because I was born a German, don’t you dare try to assume I was ever a follower of Hitler.” She stared until he looked away. Then she grabbed the bread and ration cards from his hands and walked towards home.

  CHAPTER 19

  Lotti

  The next time Lotti went to pick up her rations, Gabe was there again. There was no other person working the line that day. She grimaced, knowing she would have to be face to face with him when she got to the front of the line. It was fall and the weather was brisk with a slight breeze, but not really cold. However, she felt chilled and uncomfortable. It was hard to beg for food, especially from a man who hated her.

  Lotti didn’t feel like fighting again. So when Gabe handed her the rations she took them and turned away.

  “Hey, listen,” Gabe said in a soft voice. Lotti stopped and turned around to look at him. “I’m sorry. I thought about what you said last week. And…you’re right. I don’t know what you went through. I was thinking of myself, my people, my friends…” He hesitated then said, “My family.”

  “You had family in Germany?” Lotti asked, suddenly feeling bad for him.

  “Yeah, my grandparents. I’ve tried to find out what happened to them. But I can’t find any information at all.”

  “I’m sorry,” she said sincerely.

  “I liberated a couple of the camps…and when I saw what was there and I thought about them being in one of those camps, well…I don’t believe they could have survived.”

  Lotti felt terrible for this young Jewish man. “I wish there was something I could say. I can’t even say I know how you feel. But, what I do know is that Hitler took my husband from me. And, my husband was my life.”

  His eyes met hers, and when she looked into his eyes they were soft, not hard like he pretended to be.

  “Listen, I’m sorry about your husband.”

  “Yes, so am I.”

  This time he didn’t throw the food at her. Instead he was gentle when he handed her the bag of rations.

  “Thank you,” she said, her head down.

  “What’s your name?”

  “Lotti.”

  “You’re welcome, Lotti.”

  Two days later Gabe appeared at the DP camp where Lotti volunteered. He walked over to her and said hello.

  “Do you work here?” she asked.

  “No, I came to see you.”

  “Me? Why? How did you know I was here?”

  “One of my buddies told me.” He smiled. “I wanted to ask you out for lunch, maybe?”

  “Oh, I don’t know…”

  “Come on, what have you got to lose, huh? Listen, I know a wonderful little restaurant. Do you like Jewish food?”

  Lotti giggled. “I haven’t had Jewish food since Lev passed. Yes, actually I do.”

  “Well then, let’s have lunch. We’ll have a little kugel, maybe a knish? What do you say?”

  “Oh, I don’t know,” she repeated.

  “For my sake, have lunch with me. Let this be my way of apologizing for being rude,” Gabe said.

  “Why not?” She smiled. It had been a long time since Lotti had enjoyed a good meal. And it had been even longer since she’d eaten the Jewish cuisine that reminded her so much of the good times in her life she’d shared with Lev. Lotti looked at Gabe in his American army uniform. He certainly was handsome, strong, and self-assured. But he was so much younger than she was. Besides, Lotti couldn’t imagine ever having another man in her life. When Lev died, she felt a part of her heart close forever. But, perhaps he would make a nice boyfriend for Berni. After all, she couldn’t blame Gabe for being angry and bitter towards the German people. He’d seen the fiendish work of the Nazis first hand. But what he didn’t realize was that there were people, like Lotti, who had never been a part of Hitler’s movement. They were in many ways just as trapped as the people the Nazis murdered. The Aryans did have an advantage. If they kept their mouths shut, they would survive. And it was hard to risk death for one’s family and one’s self for the sake of strangers. Lotti understood this, but she wasn’t sure she could make Gabe understand. She forgave the Germans who were too afraid to speak out, but she could see how Gabe might not.

  Because of Lotti’s love for Lev she’d been different than the others. And even though Lotti had not always kept quiet, somehow, by some miracle, she’d been spared.

  Yes, maybe she would have lunch with him. There were so many things she wanted to say to him, so many things she wanted to explain. Although she had no reason to feel the need to justify her behavior or the behavior of others, for some reason she still wanted to make Gabe understand. Besides, while they were eating she would talk to him about Berni. Berni needed a companion. Then Lotti thought about the comment Berni had made about Jews. Since Lotti wanted to believe the best about people, she tried to convince herself that Berni wasn’t really anti-Semitic. It was just that Berni was young and had been through so much. That was what made her say those terrible things about Jews that day. Maybe Lotti could help her. Perhaps, if Berni found someone to love…. Lotti smiled to herself as she thought about something Lev once said. “You know,” he told her, “helping to bring people who love each other together is a blessing. In Yiddish we call it a mitzvah.”

  Lev. She thought of him and her eyes glassed over. Dear sweet Lev. How she missed him.

  CHAPTER 20

  Lotti

  As Gabe promised, the restaurant did serve traditional Jewish cuisine. It had been recently established by two men who were concentration camp survivors. They had developed a bond beyond friendship in Auschwitz and were now working to build a life together. Before the Nazis invaded Poland, one of the men had been a journalist. When the Jews were sent to the ghettos, he’d been clever enough to bury money before he left. Once he was released, he went back to the site and dug up the money, which was miraculously still there. Then he and his friend took that money and went to Berlin to open a restaurant in the American sector. They had a hunch that the American Jewish GIs would love the place. And they did. The GIs helped the two survivors to acquire the supplies they needed. It wasn’t fancy, just a small storefront with three scratched up wooden tables and chairs, a wood floor and counter. But the food was good and it gave the Jewish American soldiers a taste of home.

  Lotti and Gabe sat down at the only open table. It was noisy because a line of GIs were placing orders to go at the counter. Gabe got in line. When it was Gabe’s turn Lotti could hear him. Lotti spoke Yiddish; she’d learned it from Lev. Although it was very close to German, Lotti easily recognized the difference. As Gabe told the man behind the counter what they wanted to eat, Lotti realized that Gabe spoke fluent Yiddish.

  Gabe waited while the man behind the counter prepared the plates. Then he brought a tray of steaming hot food to the table and sat down.

  “So, you were married to a Jewish man?” Gabe said, breaking into her thoughts.

  “Yes. I was and I miss him every day.”

  Gabe looked directly at her. “They must have made it hard for you. Your neighbors, and non-Jewish friends, I mean.”

  “Some did. Not all. I always figured that if they were my real friends they would not be anti-Semitic. I couldn’t have a friend who hated Jews.” Just saying that aloud made Lotti think of the terrible comment that Berni had made. She couldn’t forget it. Then she said, “Lev- my husband- and I had Jewish friends too.”

  “That’s what all the Germans say.”

  “Gabe, I did. I had close friends who
were Jewish. I have no idea what happened to them. Every person who comes to the camp to register, I ask them if they have heard of anyone by the last name Margolis. Taavi, Michal, Alina, even Gilde, although I think Gilde, if she is alive, is probably somewhere in Britain. No one has heard the names, no one ever has an answer.”

  “These were your friends?”

  “Yes, close friends. Very close. My husband was best friends and business partners with Taavi. Michal was his wife. They had two wonderful daughters, Alina and Gilde. Alina and I worked together at a Jewish orphanage. First Taavi was arrested, then Michal. When an opportunity came up to send Gilde to Britain on the Kindertransport to live with a family, Alina and I decided it was best to send her. These people were a big part of my life. You don’t understand, Gabe. Even though they weren’t blood, they were my family.”

  “You haven’t heard from any of them?”

  “Taavi came to see me once, but it was during the war. I haven’t seen him since. Many years ago Alina and my brother, Johan, moved to Munich. Then one day, they just disappeared. It was like that, you see. People were gone without any warning, without any reason. Just like that.” She looked away as she remembered the last time she spoke to Johan or Alina.

  “It’s been a long time since I had potato pancakes. You like them?” Lotti said

  “Latkes, yes of course. We always had them for Hannukah when I was growing up,” Gabe said.

  “Delicious,” Lotti closed her eyes, taking a bite, and savoring the taste.

  “Yes, the food here is good. Reminds me of my ma’s cooking.” Gabe smiled. “Hey, I don’t mean to be bold, but has anyone ever told you that you’re beautiful.”

  Lotti stopped chewing in the middle of a bite and looked directly at Gabe. “You can’t be serious.” She almost choked.

  “Oh, but I am.”

  “I believe you might be flirting with me.” She looked into his eyes, finding it hard to believe what she was hearing.

  “Yes, you’re right. I’m flirting.”

  She laughed, “I’m sorry. But that is so funny to me. I’m much too old for you.”

  “You could let me be the judge of that.”

  “I could. But I won’t. How old are you, Gabe?”

  “Old enough to fight in a war. Old enough to liberate two concentration camps,” he said as a deep line formed between his brows. “I’ve seen hell, Lotti. I’ve seen more than men twice my age, and I survived.”

  “I’m thirty-seven, Gabe. And, still in love with my husband. I’ve given up on romance. I too have experienced plenty of things that made me hard and cold.”

  “Guarded, maybe. But I don’t believe you are hard or cold.” He looked at her with eyes the same color as Lev’s.

  Lotti put her fork down. He’d found her soft underbelly. His tenderness, and the color of his eyes, brought back a memory of the first time she looked into Lev’s eyes. It made her want to weep. She cleared her throat. “I have a roommate. A good friend. She is much younger than I. I could introduce you,” Lotti said, trying to sound cheerful, even flippant.

  “I’m not interested in meeting your roommate, Lotti. I am interested in you.”

  Lotti tried to laugh, tried to make light of what he said, but it touched her too deeply and her quick giggle came out as a sign of the nervousness she felt. “What would anyone want with me, a woman closer to forty than to twenty, and no longer light in her step? No, Gabe, my time for love has passed. The man who owns my heart is dead. So, my heart is dead too.”

  “You just give me a chance, will ya? I’ll show you that you’re wrong. You’re still beautiful. You still have plenty of life ahead of you. I’m through here in Germany in less than a year and I’m going home to Philly. If things work out between us, I sure would like to take you away from Berlin. What would you think about living in America?”

  She shrugged “Just a week ago you hated me. Accused me of being a Nazi, now you’re thinking about taking me with you to America. Gabe, you are quite an impulsive man.”

  “Yeah, that might be right. But, I see you in a different light, now that I know about your life.”

  “Ah, yes, well, for right now, why don’t we just enjoy these delicious latkes while they’re still hot and crisp.”

  “Latkes,” he said, pronouncing the word with a perfect Yiddish accent. “You say it like a goy. Try again.” He laughed. She could see he was teasing her, but not in a malicious way. He was laughing with her and that made it easier to laugh at herself. And it had been such a very long time since Lotti had allowed herself to laugh.

  “Latkes,” she said again. “Was that better?”

  “Yeah, a little,” he said. “Looks like we’re gonna have to spend a lot more time together if you’re ever going to perfect that Yiddish accent.”

  She shook her head, but she couldn’t resist smiling.

  CHAPTER 21

  October 1945 Gilde

  After Alden left her, Gilde lost interest in everything. She quit the theater, gave her current role to her understudy, and sank into the depths of depression. She had been performing a supporting role in a romantic musical. Her character had just fallen in love and was singing her heart out about how overcome she was with joy. It would have been impossible for Gilde to go on playing this role in the state of mind she was in since Alden left. Alden and Jane. Thoughts of them as a couple rolled around in her mind constantly and she was miserable. Nothing, not even little Vicky’s smile, could soothe her. How had she let this obsession with the stage steal the true happiness from her life? What had once seemed so important now meant nothing. Days passed and she didn’t bathe or wash her hair. And even though she was at home all the time now, she still had a nurse to take care of Vicky. She wondered if Alden thought of her or of Vicky. She wondered if he ever missed the good times they shared. Somehow, she’d lost her way, and she wished she’d never met that girlfriend of Elias’ who had opened the door to this magical world of the theater for her. Gilde tried drinking to obliterate the pain, but it didn’t work. She hated the taste of alcohol and couldn’t consume enough to help her forget. Her mind was always racing and she was continuously chastising herself for the mistakes she’d made.

  The war was over. The only thought that could even bring the slightest spark of joy to her heart was the idea of finding her parents and her sister again. That and of course little Vicky. Thus far Gilde had been avoiding a trip back to Germany because she was afraid she might have to face the fact that they had all perished, and the idea was unbearable. But now, she decided she was going to try to find them. Vicky needed family. And with Alden gone, so did she, desperately. From what she’d heard, travel to Berlin was nearly impossible. The trains were not going through directly. She decided to call Elias. He had military connections; perhaps he could help her get to Berlin. Although she couldn’t be sure what she would find when she got there, she was willing to try.

  “Elias, it’s Gilde.”

  “Gilde? How are you?”

  “I’m all right, I guess.”

  “And the husband, the little girl?”

  “Vicky’s fine. Alden left me.”

  “Oh? I’m sorry. Yeah, well, things like that happen I guess. Babs left me too.”

  There was silence for several seconds

  “I’m sorry to hear it, Elias.”

  “Yeah, well, me too.”

  “I don’t know how to ask you this, but, I need a favor,” Gilde asked.

  “Sure? What is it?” he said.

  “I want to go back to Berlin and find my family.”

  “Gilde.” He didn’t speak for a while. She thought the line had gone dead. Then he said,. “Listen. It’s hard to get into Berlin. Very hard. And, even worse, there’s no telling what you’re going to find. Besides, where would you go? Where would you begin to look?”

  “I’d go back to my house.”

  “From what I understand most of the homes of Jewish families were confiscated by the Nazis. They gave them to German fam
ilies.”

  “What? Are you sure?”

  “Yeah, I sure am. And the businesses too. I mean the Jewish-owned businesses. So your father’s business is probably gone.”

  “Lotti and Lev. That’s where I’ll go. I’ll go to their house. They’ll know where my parents and my sister are.”

  “Yes, well…”

  “Well what, Elias?”

  “I don’t know how to tell you this, but most Jews didn’t survive. I am sure you heard about the concentration camps, the death camps. It’s all true, Gilde. I’m sorry.”

  Her empty heart was already bleeding, and this wound only made the pain more severe. “I have to go. I have to try, Elias. They are all Vicky and I have now that Alden is gone.”

  He didn’t answer for several minutes. She’d thought they’d lost the connection. “Elias?”

  “Yes, I’m here. Gilde, the trains aren’t running from London to Berlin. If you’re really serious about this, you’d have to take a train to Harwich then take a ferry across to Rotterdam. From Rotterdam you’d have to try and get through to Berlin by land. It sure as hell won’t be easy, and then there is the Soviet Occupation zone to contend with. All I can say is, I don’t recommend trying to get to Berlin right now. Besides, if by some miracle, you do make it there, Berlin is a disaster area from the bombings. It’s total chaos. I just don’t think it’s a good idea. It’s not safe, Gilde, at least not now.”

  Gilde collapsed into the chair by the phone and sat in silence. Then she cleared her throat. “I understand, Elias. I suppose I’ll have to wait.”

  After she hung up the receiver, Gilde laid her head on the table and let the tears come. She wished she could talk to Alden. If only she hadn’t taken her marriage for granted. It had been a short time since she quit the theater and already the fans were forgetting her. What a fickle business. What a fool she was to have let true happiness slip through her fingers.

  After checking on Vicky to see that she was asleep, Gilde lay down on her bed. How could she ever silence the voices in her mind?