Another Breath, Another Sunrise: A Holocaust Novel (Michal's Destiny Book 4)

by Roberta Kagan

  Gilde started to follow after him, but Alden stopped her. “It’s easier to work on a child when the mother is not in the room. Please, Gilde. Wait outside,” he said. His voice was soft and kind. She wanted to cry.

  Gilde moved out of the way and watched from the door as Alden’s gentle, capable hands worked their magic on her child, the little girl that they both loved. God how Gilde missed him. She dared not think about how much she still loved him. Instead she wondered if Jane had had the baby yet or when she was due. He had another life now, another child. But seeing him there treating Vicky filled her heart with longing for him and their past together. He moved to the other side of the bed to adjust a machine. It was hard for her to watch him caring for Vicky. The way he was with the child brought so many memories flooding back to her. After all, Alden had been Vicky’s father, if not biological, still the only father she’d ever known. He’d changed her diapers, walked the floor with her when she was teething. Oh God, Alden, I miss you. Then a painful thought came to her. Did Alden ever think of Vicky now that he had or soon would have his own biological child?

  It was nearly midnight by the time Vicky’s treatment was done and she was resting comfortably. Alden stood at the sink washing his hands. Then he walked out of the room and found Gilde still standing in the doorway where he’d left her over four hours ago.

  “You should have sat down and waited in the waiting room. You’ve been standing here a long time.”

  “I couldn’t leave, Alden. Is Vicky going to be all right?”

  “She’s banged up, that’s for sure. But, she’ll be all right,” Alden said, gently patting Gilde’s shoulder.

  “This should never have happened,” Gilde said. “I don’t know how to be a mother, or even a good person for that matter. I am neglectful. I just can’t seem to do the right thing. Not with anything in my life.” The exhaustion and stress of the day brought tears to her eyes. She wiped them with the back of her hand before they fell onto her cheeks.

  “Come on, let me buy you a cup of tea,” Alden said. “You look like you could use it.”

  “How about something stronger? Like a gin and tonic?”

  “Sorry, no there’s no alcohol in the hospital cafeteria. Although, I’ve often thought that there should be. Patients’ family could use it sometimes,” he said, smiling.

  “I know, it was just wishful thinking,” Gilde said, glancing into the room where Vicky was asleep. “Are you sure it’s all right if we leave her.”

  “Yes, it’s fine. The nurses will tend to her. And, I gave her some powerful painkillers so she should sleep through the night.” He smiled. “So, since we can’t get that gin and tonic here, let’s go and have some tea.”

  “Tea it is,” she said, sighing.

  He got two cups of steaming tea that had been brewed several hours ago and was a little stale, but they both added milk and sugar. Then they sat down at a table in the corner. There were only three other people in the room and they were all sitting separately. Two of them were women, probably wives or mothers of patients. The other was an old man. The cafeteria was eerily quiet.

  “I’m sorry to have had them call you. I knew you were just getting home from work. It was selfish of me. But you’re the only person I feel comfortable with to take care of Vicky.”

  “I’m glad you called me.”

  “I feel so guilty,” Gilde said, “this should never have happened. I am a terrible mother, Alden.” Then she hesitated and looked away. “And I was a terrible wife too.”

  “No, Gilde. You weren’t a terrible wife and you aren’t a terrible mother. You just have a talent that drives you to pursue it. You can’t help it.”

  “You mean the theater?” she asked.

  “Of course. I know how much you love being on stage. You shine when you’re up there, bright as the sun. I just couldn’t take that away from you. I loved you too much, Gilde.”

  She shook her head and picked up the spoon to stir her tea. It felt like she should do something with her hands. “I’m not working as an actress. I haven’t been in a show since you left and I don’t intend to do another one. I’ve auditioned a few times but my heart wasn’t in it anymore, and I guess it showed because I didn’t get any of the parts I tried out for,” she whispered.

  “But why?”

  She shrugged. “After you left, the applause, the audience, none of it mattered. I no longer had the same feeling when I went on stage. You see, it was you, Alden, you were my greatest fan. You were the fire that kept me going. I just couldn’t be the entertainer I was before. It just wasn’t in me anymore. I guess I realized that I lost the best thing that ever happened to me when I lost you.” Tears had formed in the corners of her eyes and threatened to spill down her cheeks. She wiped them hard with her hand. “I’m sorry, Alden. We shouldn’t even be talking about this. You and Jane….”

  “Jane and I are separated. We’re getting a divorce.”

  “What? Why? What about the baby?” she asked, looking deeply into his eyes. She felt a myriad of emotions. She was happy and sad at the same time. He looked older, more weathered. But he was here, sitting across from her, and she longed to reach out and touch his hand. She would never want him to suffer in any way, and yet her heart sang because she was hearing that he was free, and maybe by some miracle, by some God blessed miracle, they might be together again.

  “She lost the baby. She’s very superstitious and she was sure that our marriage was cursed.”

  “Oh…” Gilde said. “Oh, Alden…” She cleared her throat, suddenly feeling ashamed at her happiness. It was a horrible thing to lose a child. And once she had loved Jane as a sister. Those feelings were not gone, not really. Gilde was so confused, happy, sad, guilty, shameful … in love. “I should say I am sorry. But the truth is I am not. I mean, I am sorry that she miscarried … but … I am not sorry that you are separated. Oh God, I am a terrible person.”

  “You missed me that much?”

  “More than you could ever know.”

  “I missed you every day, Gilde. I missed Vicky too. All I ever really wanted was for you to be happy.”

  “And once you left, I realized that all I ever needed to be happy was you. Oh Alden, I am selfish and vain, and I have more faults than I can count. But, I love you. I love Vicky and by God, I really do love you.”

  “Gilde.” He took her hand in his. “Do you want to go back together, give it another try?”

  “More than I can say.”

  CHAPTER 44

  Alina

  Alina was quiet during most of the voyage on the ship from New York back to Germany. One night as Joey slept, Alina and Ugo took a walk on the deck.

  “The accommodations are much nicer this time than they were when we came to America. Remember? When I was with Johan and you were on your way to the new land from Russia.”

  “How could I ever forget? That voyage changed my life. And can you believe that we are in first class now. We were in third class then.”

  She looked around at the first-class accommodations and shook her head in amazement. She clasped her throat with her hand as she looked at Ugo. When they were first coming to America they ate at long wooden tables. Now they took their meals in a lovely dining room with crisp white tablecloths. Before they slept on cots that were as hard as a concrete floor. Now they slept in a comfortable bed in a private state room.

  “I remember. I remember all of it. The smell too,” he said. “Ach those terrible smells…” He put his arm around her.

  “I don’t mean this to make you jealous, but I couldn’t help but think of Johan when we set sail. He and I boarded a boat just like this one with such hopes and dreams. And he died so young.”

  “You loved him?”

  “Yes, but not the way I love you.”

  “Is that good?”

  “It is. I truly love you, Ugo. I’m just feeling a little nostalgic. Do you remember the first time you and I met? It was on that ship. You helped me try to heal Johan’s i
nfected wound. Do you recall?”

  “How could I ever forget? I thought you were so beautiful. But of course at the time I never dreamed that you and I would be together. I was coming to America to be with my wife. And you were going to be married.”

  “It’s interesting the way life works itself out,” she said.

  “It is.” He caressed her gently. “Are you cold?”

  “A little.”

  He took off his jacket and put it around her shoulders. “Excited to see Lotti?”

  “Yes, and nervous too. I am going to have to tell her what happened to Johan. She will be heartbroken to learn that her brother is dead. And, besides that she is my only hope of ever finding my parents and sister. If she can’t tell me anything about them I have no other place to look. They will be lost to me forever.”

  “Well, we’ll soon be there, and I’ll be with you. At your side through all of it.”

  “My husband.”

  “Yes, forever, your husband, your ally, your best friend. And you, my darling Alina, you are my wife.”

  CHAPTER 45

  April 1946 Lotti and Alina

  As Alina walked into the apartment building where she’d stayed with Lotti and Lev so many years ago, chills ran through her entire body. When she was just a young girl, this neighborhood, her family, her friends, were all she knew of the world. Memories, she was surrounded by memories. The walk to the subway station with Lotti in the morning as they went to work at the orphanage. The faint smell of perspiration mixed with packed lunches as everyone waited on the benches. Then the feeling of being suffocated as people were pressed together on the crowded train heading into downtown. Holidays she shared with her parents, and her sister Lotti and Lev. The women would all gather at Lotti’s apartment or at Alina’s home and start cooking and baking early in the morning. She could still smell the warm, homey yeast of the challah as it baked, filling the house with the fragrance of love and family. Before she could take the steps through the door of Lotti’s apartment that would lead her back into the past, Alina stood trembling on the stoop for several minutes, unable to move.

  My God, Berlin has changed. Alina was truly shaken by what she saw all around her. She’d come to Lotti’s apartment as a child and now it was the aftermath of a war zone. The bombings had all but destroyed the city. Alina found it hard to breathe as she looked at the broken buildings, the rubble in the streets. Hitler had not only murdered millions, his sick dreams had also massacred the city of her birth. A city she loved.

  “Knock, Mommy. Why aren’t you knocking on the door?” Joey asked, as he cocked his head. Alina turned to look at her son. How could she ever explain to him why she was hesitating?

  “Give her a chance, Joe. Mom needs a minute,” Ugo said, putting his arm around Joey’s shoulder. Alina smiled at Ugo. He was so good to Joey, nothing like Trevor. She said a silent thanks to God for her husband and son. Then she gingerly knocked on the door that would open the Pandora’s box to her history.

  A woman wearing a dark forest green dress opened the door. It was Lotti. But it was a much older, more somber version of the lighthearted girl who Alina remembered.

  “Alina…” Lotti said. Her voice was the same, and hearing it brought Alina to tears. Lotti grabbed Alina into her arms and hugged her hard. Then they were both crying.

  “Lotti…” Alina looked into Lotti’s face and wiping a tear off Lotti’s cheek.

  They stood like that in the doorway for several minutes until Lotti glanced up and saw the rest of Alina’s family just standing there looking out of place. “I’m sorry. Where are my manners. Please, come in. Come in all of you.”

  Ugo helped Joey over the step to enter the apartment. Alina followed.

  “Sit, please, let me get you a cup of tea. I bought cookies for you when you told me you were coming. Let me get them.” Lotti was nervous and scattered. Her hands were trembling. She went to the kitchen and began taking down cups to fill with tea. She dropped a mug and it broke.

  Alina heard the glass break in the other room.

  “Lotti, let me help you,” Alina said as she entered the kitchen, leaving Ugo and Joey in the living room.

  “You look beautiful, Alina. I … when I got your letter, I…” Lotti sunk into a kitchen chair and began to weep. Heartfelt sobs came from deep in her throat. “I thought you were dead. I feared you were dead…”

  Alina knelt beside her old friend and hugged her.

  “Johan? I am assuming the man and child in the living room are your husband and son. Do you know what happened to Johan.”

  “Oh Lotti, yes. I do.”

  “Tell me, please, tell me where is my brother…”

  “He became ill. We were on our way to America. We couldn’t get married in Germany … the laws … the Nuremberg laws. He thought it best we get out and he was right. Oh Lotti. I don’t know how to tell you this. All I can say is … I am sorry, Lotti. Johan died on the ship to America. Joey is his son.”

  “My brother is dead.” Her face was pale. “Joey? The boy out there in the living room is Joey? He is my nephew?”

  “I didn’t introduce you. I’m sorry. I am afraid I’m a bit overwhelmed. It’s all happening so fast. Yes, that is Joey, my son by Johan. Your nephew. And the man in your living room is Ugo, he is my husband. He is helping me to raise Joey. I hope you will be at least a little comforted to know that Ugo is very good to Joey.”

  “Joey is sick?”

  “He was very sick, yes. With polio when he was young,” Alina said.

  “Did Johan see his son before he died?”

  “No.” Alina shook her head. “He died on the boat before I had the chance to tell him I was pregnant. He never knew…”

  “Oh, Alina … it must have been hard for you. So many people that we knew and loved are gone … gone. Lev was murdered.”

  “By who? The Nazis?”

  “Yes. My Lev. He’s gone.”

  “Oh, my God, Lotti… I am so sorry…”

  “Yes, Lev was murdered.”

  “I’m so sorry,” Alina whispered, shaking her head.

  “Well, it’s been years that he has been gone. I should be used to it.” She forced a smile. “But I am not. The truth is, I think about Lev all the time. I don’t suppose you ever get used to it. Not really.”

  “No, I don’t believe you do,” Alina said. “I still think of Johan.”

  “I’m glad you found someone who you love and who loves you, who is good to your son. I am glad you’re not alone,” Lotti said.

  “Ugo is Russian like Lev and Papa,” Alina said. “His accent was the first thing I noticed about him. Sometimes I think it is what originally made me fall in love with him. It reminded me of my papa.” She smiled through her tears.

  “Russian,” Lotti said, smiling, her face wet with tears as well.

  “Have you heard anything from my parents or my sister? Do you know where I can find them?”

  “No. I have heard nothing since your father was arrested and your mother left to find him. I’ve tried to write to Gilde, but she never answered. I stayed in this apartment because I have been hoping that all of you would return someday,” Lotti said. “This was the last address that all of us remembered. A few years ago your father came to see me. The war was still raging through the city. Jews were being hunted like animals. It was a terrible time in Germany and any country that Hitler occupied. Somehow your papa escaped from a concentration camp. I didn’t know what to do. I hope I didn’t make a mistake, but I sent him away. You see, I knew it wasn’t safe for him here at my house. After all, my neighbors never trusted me, they were watching me. People were betraying each other left and right. It was hard to trust anyone. And, remember, I had been married to a Jew. Plenty of the neighbors made it clear to me that they resented that. I never found out which one of them turned Lev in. So, when your father came to me, I advised him to hide out in the forests, and to try to stay hidden and away from the city. I hoped he would be able to survive that way.
I never heard from him again.”

  “My mother? Have you heard from my mother or have you heard anything about Gilde?”

  “Nothing. Nothing about either one. As I said before I tried to write to Gilde, no answer, and two of my letters were returned unopened.”

  “I tried too. Mine were returned as well. You heard nothing of Mother?”

  “That day she went to the police station to find your father was the last day any of us ever saw or heard from her.”

  “Oh Lotti. You can’t imagine how many times I’ve wished I could talk to her. I was so hard on her. If only I could tell her how much I love her. When I was young I didn’t understand everything she went through, and I was always ready to judge her for her mistakes. Now I’ve lived and I know how things can happen to people, and circumstances can force you to do things you aren’t proud of, but you had to do to survive. If only I’d told her I loved her before she left for the jail to find Papa. If only I’d said those words….”

  “She knew you loved her,” Lotti said, her voice kind and comforting the way Alina remembered it as a child. Then Lotti tenderly patted Alina’s hand. “Your mother always knew.”

  “Are you sure? Are you sure, Lotti?”

  “Yes. I am positive. She and I talked about you. It was hard for you to understand everything that happened between her and your father. She understood that you were young. But, know this, she knew you loved her, and your mother loved you very much.”

  “Mama…” Alina whispered under her breath, shaking her head. Alina was still on her knees on the floor. She put her head in Lotti’s lap and Lotti patted her hair. “I miss my family,” Alina said.

  “I know. I miss them too. I miss everyone, and everything about our lives before the Nazis. Hitler stole it all from us. He stole the joy from our little world. We did nothing to him, we did nothing to any of them.”

  “No, it was just hatred. The Nazis were consumed with it. Hatred needs no reason. And the Nazis had no reason.”

  Lotti nodded as she patted Alina’s hair again. For a few minutes, Alina felt warm and safe like a child in Lotti’s arms. Lotti was the only connection Alina had to the past, and in Lotti’s arms Alina could feel a connection to her mother.