Ballistic

by K. S. Adkins

  Leaning against the door, acting like I wasn’t falling apart, like I wasn’t itching to cut every dirty cop down in this fucking town, I spoke true. “I’ll get your army,” I tell the room. “I’ll bring you the good guys while the rest of you clean house.”

  “They were aiming at you too,” Duffy says, approaching me.

  “They didn’t take me down,” I tell him, moving away. “They took her down and nobody takes her down while I’m around. I’ll get you what you need to win.” Looking each man in the eyes, I land on Max last. “Prepare.”

  Walking back to the waiting room, I just want to be home. Home. Now that’s laughable. I don’t have a home and once Anthony sees the real me, letting me go won’t be so difficult…for him.

  Me, though? When this is over, there won’t be anything left of me. Nothing worth keeping anyway.

  She lost me for a while and she’s good at staying hidden I’ll give her that. In the days since we made eye contact, my entire focus was off, my priorities shifted. What was initially about getting answers, was now about her. Revenge was there in the background, like white noise no longer consuming my every thought and feeling. After finding her at the shelter and seeing what happiness looked like on her, I was even more obsessed than I was before. At work she is focused and distant but extremely aware of her surroundings. To say she excelled at her job wouldn’t do her justice. Her track record alone speaks for her. However, I felt confident saying that she became a profiler because she’s good at it and not because she loves it.

  Seeing her with those kids though, smiling, allowing her guard to slip, that’s Lina. I didn’t know how else to explain it. I looked at her and I saw love waiting to happen. Watching her sit in her truck, staring forward with no expression on her face, I’d come to notice she did this after each case. That was lost Lina. You could see each case takes its toll on her, just like Venessa said it did. I’m a selfish bastard to ask her for help, but it’s not about revenge anymore. I wanted her to show me what love is. I knew she was the one meant to do it. I just didn’t have a clue how to go about making that happen.

  I had to get her out of that hospital as quickly as possible. If you knew what to look for, you’d see she was cracking. Then she went all-in and every fucking part of me revolted at the idea of her building an army. This was what I wanted then, but no longer. I want her as far away from this as possible, but when you ask for shit, sometimes you get it.

  There are no words, no subtle touches, nothing. She takes a shower, ignores the food I’ve left out for her, smokes a cigarette, then goes straight to bed. As for me, there was no sleep. Her though, she didn’t move a muscle. When the sun came up, so did she. Laying there, pretending to sleep, I watch her. Brushing her teeth, getting dressed and checking her phone, she leaves and I hear the spare room door open and close before I get up to make her some coffee. Making my way downstairs it was then I also decided to put my foot down. She’s done whether she likes it or not.

  Grabbing both cups and heading upstairs, she’s already on her lap top with her brow crinkled completely focused on whatever is on that screen. I set a cup down and she reaches for it, takes a sip before she goes back to work. Moving her chair to face me, I decided to ease her into it. The only way to get her to leave this room is to use Jules as leverage and I had no problem with that.

  “Visiting hours have started,” I tell her lifting her chin. “Let’s go check on Jules.” Blinking at me, but saying nothing, I try again. “She needs you, Lina. Get up and let’s go.”

  “In a minute,” she says, trying to turn herself around.

  “Now,” I tell her. “This can wait.”

  I lead her from the room and she’s quiet. She stays quiet as we get into my car, as we move down the street. She didn’t fight me when I told her we had to go see Jules, and I miss that fight. I miss that fight and I hate that she hasn’t said shit to me. She just stares out the window until we get off I75, then she speaks. “She’s why I’m alive today,” she whispers. “She keeps me grounded when I start to float away. I hate it. I just don’t know how to stop it.” Since I didn’t know how to respond to that, she continues although I think she is speaking aloud, but not to me. “Someone always needs my help. Someone always wants to take advantage of what I can do. No one asks how it affects me, what it costs me. I’m tired of it all. I just want her safe, all of you safe, and then I can sleep.”

  “Close your eyes,” I tell her. “I’ll wake you up when we get there.”

  “That’s okay,” she says, bringing her hands to her lap. “When it’s time to sleep, I won’t wake up. It’s not time for that yet.”

  “What?” I yell much louder than I anticipated, but the statement catches me off guard.

  Looking over and blinking at me again, she looks around and asks, “What?”

  “What did you mean by that?”

  “What did I mean by what? I didn’t say anything.”

  Gripping the steering wheel, I don’t speak. I drive. All the while, my heart is beating so hard you’d think I had a drum set in the back seat. I could interpret that so many ways, but I keep coming back to the same one. Please do not let her be suicidal.

  Parking the car and walking to reception to get a room number neither of us says a word. Escorting her up to the third floor, Max greets us and asks Lina if she would like time with Jules. She simply nods, takes a seat and her eyes never leave her friend’s still body. Max guides me across the hall and I can see her through the glass. Her fist is balled up and she just stares. There is no emotion on her face, which is worse than if there was. Bringing my attention back to Max, I turn away from the glass hopeful to get his blessing when I explain why I need Lina to pull out.

  “She’s being moved to a private room today,” he tells, me looking worn. “The doctor said she’s doing even better than he expected.”

  “That’s good,” I reassure him. “Real good. You need to rest too, you know, to be strong for her.”

  “I’ll rest when she’s home,” he says. “Not until then.”

  “Fair enough,” I agree. “I’m at your disposal, Max, so if there is a need, I expect a call.”

  “I know,” he says. “Thank you.”

  It’s now or never. “I need to talk to you about Lina,” I begin. “Spending a lot of time with her lately, I’ve come to notice some things that concern me.”

  “Like?”

  “How she withdraws,” I tell him, but leave out the ‘from me’ part. “Loses touch with reality, how she can literally disconnect herself from everything and everyone. But if she gets a call for a job, she snaps back until it’s over. I’m concerned about her taking on any additional stress. I’m worried she’s about to crack.” Again, I leave the part where I fear the crack has already begun and I’m afraid anymore cracks and she’ll shatter.

  “Did you not track her down for the sole purpose of using her for her skills?”

  “I did,” I admit, “but that was when I thought I was dealing with someone whole. She’s not whole, Max and I can’t be responsible for her breaking apart.”

  “Maybe you should trust her to know her own limits?”

  “She doesn’t have limits when it comes to seeking the truth. Hell if I’m being honest she doesn’t have limits at all,” I tell him. “That’s the problem.”

  “Then what’s the solution?”

  My answer was going to be that I’ll find someone else, I’ll dig deeper and get the answers so she’s out of harm’s way. But that isn’t what happened. What happened was she was leaning in the doorway; eyes clear, totally focused and seriously pissed off. “Yes, Tony,” she says, sneering my name. “What is the solution?”

  Not knowing what else to do, I decided to treat her with a firm hand, so she gets that I care for her safety first and foremost. “I was speaking with Max privately,” I tell her. “If I wanted to discuss it with you, I would have.”

  When her nostrils flare, I knew I was fucked. She will see this as going behind
her back and she’d be right, but it’s not like she’s available to talk when she’s always checked out. Max tries leaving the room, but she stops him and levels with me a serious move and you die look.

  “You can leave in a minute, Max,” she says, extremely calm. “I’m only going to say this once. You can’t win this without me. This was my choice. Never mind that you’ve been manipulating me from the second we met to get me where we are right now. I don’t care what you think my mental state is, Dr. Gallo, I’m doing this for her. Venessa and Macy, too. When this is over, I’m gone. You tip toe choosing your words carefully, then you confess this to someone else behind my back? I have a feeling when the day comes and I finally get to see the real you, I’m not going to like him very much.”

  Grabbing her, I can’t hold it back and I could give a fuck if we’re in a public place. “Because I care what happens to you? You are not ready for this. I don’t know anyone who is ready for this.”

  She steps away, looking seriously hurt. “Fuck you,” She spits at me. “You move us all around like pieces on a god damn chess board doing your bidding while you keep your secrets to yourself. You don’t know what I’m ready for and I’ll be damned if you’ll ever have a say in my choices. I’m sorry for this, Max, tell her I’ll be back…when I can.”

  When she leaves, I just stand there in shock. That’s how she sees me? That I’m playing a game and keeping secrets? She doesn’t think I care for her at all. She truly has no idea how hard I’m trying to do the right thing here. Calling her name, she ignores me and keeps going. Trying again, instead of answering she throws up both middle fingers and disappears down the steps.

  “I thought I’d lose her to madness,” I mumble. “Instead I’m losing her for fucking caring.”

  “Why don’t you go and catch her before she makes it to the lobby? I’ve got things under control here.”

  “Am I wrong for wanting her safe?”

  “No,” he says, twisting his ring on his finger. “But you care because of who she is, Tony. I don’t know what strategy you used to get her here, but you aren’t fooling her. She wants to help, you know full well she’ll do it with our without you. Ask yourself if you can live with that.”

  “Marriage suits you,” I tell him, walking toward the door. He’ll never know how proud I am that he was able to win his wife back on his own. He’ll also never know how ashamed I am that despite all of the advice I offer up, I can’t seem to figure my own problems out. “See you soon.”

  Leaving to find her and set her straight, I head back to the house knowing that’s where she’ll head first. Especially since she had to have left by cab. But when I get there, she’s gone and turning on the satellite, I see it’s been deactivated.

  Fuck, she’s good.

  But lucky for her, I’m better.

  For months I came here every Wednesday, nothing could stop me from showing up. If there was a case I’d leave it. If I was hung over, I popped some aspirin and dealt with it, but that all changed the last time I was here. Rachel was the reason I came. Sure, the other kids were awesome too, but Rachel was the absolute best. Her mother Kris tried so damn hard and they ended up in here anyway. Rachel is twelve today so I wanted to do something special for her because after this I probably won’t ever see her again. Kris was able to find full time work and managed to get them an apartment outside of the city, this was good.

  Rachel’s days of sharing a cot with her mother were over. Walking in, the kids surrounded me like usual, climbing on me, hugging me and touching my hair. Laughing with them, tickling them and making way toward the kitchen, I see Kris calling me over. “Thank you,” she said, hugging me. “I can’t say it enough.”

  “What are you thanking me for, exactly?”

  “The job, the bonus and the apartment,” she said before I can interrupt. “I know it was you that did it and you will never know how much I---”

  “Where’s Rachel?” I asked, cutting her off. I don’t do emotional shit.

  “She’s in the back,” she said, grabbing me “I owe you, Lina.”

  “No,” I tell her. “You don’t.”

  “Lina!” Rachel screamed, running me over. Hugging her close I enjoy her while I have her. She’s almost my size and seeing her in my sweatshirt makes me smile because today was chilly and I knew she was warm. “You came!”

  “Duh,” I told her, laughing. “You only turn twelve once.”

  “Can you stay?”

  “Yep,” I whispered. “As long as you want me too.”

  “Forever?” she asked, hopeful.

  “At the very least, until cake.” I talk her, walking toward the kitchen where we celebrated her birthday with sloppy Joe’s and a delicious sheet cake. Just before it was time for me to leave, I took her to the side and slipped my gift into her pocket. “There are tickets in there,” I told her quietly. “Once you and your mom are settled, I want you to come back and see me sometime, okay?”

  “Love you, Lina,” she cried, latching onto me.

  “Yeah me too, kiddo,” I whispered, backing away, not wanting her to see me cry. I hoped I’d see her again, but even if I didn’t, her mom was a hell of a lady and I knew Rachel would be fine.

  Technology is an interesting thing. On the cab ride back, an app I don’t remember installing on my phone started blinking. Opening it up and checking the install, I see that it’s a form of maps, but I don’t have a map app like this. Going into my settings, I look at the install date. It was installed the night I was passed out drunk, the sneaky fucker. Deleting it and shutting my phone off, I ignore the pain in my chest Anthony caused. I surprised myself by how easy it was for me to distance myself from him. I have a zero tolerance policy. When someone fucks me over, that’s it, poof, I’m done. If my arms could reach around, I’d even pat myself on the back for the fabulous lies I tell myself.

  People with trust issues have them for a reason. My childhood played a part. The captain played a part. The men I used and used me back, played a part, but mostly, it’s just easier not to get close in the first place. People say children love their parents unconditionally. The same is said about how pets love their masters. But I’ve never had a pet and I don’t love my parents at all. Any love I had for them died when I was little and instead of raising me, working with me to manage this gift I have, they tried having me committed to a mental facility.

  The only thing that saved me was two adults discussing their daughters ‘ability’ had made them sound insane. Instead of my being locked up and medicated, they were sentenced to eight weeks of parenting classes. Of course, that was my fault too and I was punished for it.

  I don’t want or need counseling. I’m aware of my issues. I need my issues. Could they be damaging me? Sure. But they were also shielding me. No one was going to protect me. I need to protect myself. As I got older, I was interested in boys like any other girl. I was noticed at an early age because huge tits got a girl asked out. Even then, to get in my pants, a boy would say anything and none of them ever meant it. Horny bastards. But add years to that. Day in day out, lies, lies, lies. It’s because of this ‘gift’ that I see the world differently than others do, how can I not?

  Yes, I have a degree, but I didn’t study for it like other students. My gift doesn’t work that way. Where students are taught to pick up on facial tells, a change in tone, body language and things like that, I can only tell you for me, it’s a physical tell. I just know.

  Tossing my bag down, I check for messages then charge it on the table next to this supremely uncomfortable overpriced bed. I don’t stay at the MGM because it’s nice. It’s no better than anywhere else. I’m here because the bar is in walking distance and cops love to gamble. Just ask my friend Rion, but that’s a story for another time. Building an army won’t be difficult, just time consuming. This hotel stay is all about location. I don’t have to go looking for them because half of them will be here.

  Over the last few weeks I’ve avoided everyone but Jules. I’ve been kee
ping in touch with her since she was released. She’s such a fucking trooper. She’s healing like she does everything else, like a boss. Max is all about keeping her happy and I have to hand it to the guy, he’s patient because I know for a fact Jules is the worst patient on the planet. She told me Anthony was coming for me and my response was simple, ‘game the fuck on’. Every few hours Anthony calls, but he doesn’t text. It really matters little since I won’t respond either way. Sending her back the standard “I’m working” message, I look over at my next appointment. According to his file he’s been on the force for two years, still a newbie by department standards, and extremely easy to sway into batting for the other team. This afternoon’s mission: get him to bat for my team, or have him ejected from the game.

  “Name’s Lina,” I tell him, taking the open seat and extending my hand. “I’m here to make you an offer you’d be stupid to refuse.”

  And so it goes, for the week I get the newbies to side with me or find another job. Once I spell out the consequences, they are happy to pledge their allegiance to the cause, or leave. When your life is on the line, what’s the incentive to stick around? Today was the first day I encountered any resistance. The two cops I’m currently chatting up refuse to leave or pick a side. They admit they’ve yet to be approached but did say were they approached, they didn’t join the force to do harm. Making notes, I add them to the list of cops to watch. If they choose the wrong side, I’ll have them extinguished, period.

  Then there’s this guy, the one that flagged me down. He was accusing me of turning cops against each other. Well, he’s right. I explained to him the situation and he had the decency to look appalled but, when I asked him which side he’d choose he said, “The side that pays.”