Ballistic

by K. S. Adkins

  “Get her!” she screams, holding her nose and suddenly it’s a derby smackdown.

  Plowing forward, I clothesline the first one to advance on me, then I see my team mates join the fray. My pig tail gets pulled, sending me to the floor again and when I’m helped up, I look over and say “Thanks” when I see my friends standing there looking ready to do damage. Smiling, I give each of them a fist bump and we form a wall. Just like we did back in high school, it is the four of us against the world.

  “You ready?” Venessa asks.

  “Fighting on skates is a bitch,” I tell her, trying to stay upright, but then Macy stands behind me.

  “I got your back,” she says, making sure I don’t go down again.

  “Point her out,” Jules says, ready to defend me like always.

  “She’s mine,” I announce, “but anyone who tries to pull my damn hair again is fair game.”

  Glancing up at the stands, I see the men on their feet cheering, even Kris and Jessica too, but I focus on Anthony smiling at me. When he gives me a thumbs up, I turn and beat the ever-loving hell out of Jessica. In the interest of fairness, I didn’t even try hard. Just enough to make my point and earn a fist full of hair. My girls hold the rest back while she begs me to stop. Her own team even starts begging when she can’t defend herself anymore, but it isn’t until Anthony was there whispering to me she was done, that I let up.

  When the ref comes over to officially throw me out, the entire place, including my team, erupts in applause. I do my best curtsy and glance back at Jessica. Skating over to her with Anthony at my side, I lean over her.

  “Someone needs to get a Vagfax report on you,” I say to her. “You come at me or him ever again, I’ll put this child size skate up your flat ass for real, feel me? You and your abs can Namaste yourselves.”

  Point made, Anthony and the girls walk me off the rink and over to the group. After high fives and ass slaps, we settle in to watch the rest of the match. My team didn’t win, but honestly we aren’t that good to begin with. We just like to skate and hit people.

  An hour later, out in the parking lot once we get back in his car, Anthony says, “I have a surprise for you, Sherlock.”

  “Gimme!” I squeal, jumping up and down in my seat. He hands me an envelope and when I open it, I scream so loud he covers my mouth with his hands. “For you and the girls,” he tells me.

  “You’re not coming?” I ask, slightly panicking.

  “It’s a night out for you and them. They’re excited to go. I’ll admit his music is catching on, but I have to sit this one out. The first show is tomorrow night and I’ll be waiting for you when you get home.”

  “Will you be okay while I’m gone?”

  “The guys are coming over for poker.”

  “Oh, poker huh? That’s new,” I tell him, then smile. “Coach?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I feel a freestyle coming on,” I warn him, then I let him have it. “There they go, packing stadiums as Shady spits his flow. Nuts they go, macadamian they go so ballistic, whoa. He can make them look like Bozos. He's wondering if he should spit this slow. Fuck no! Go for broke, this cup just runneth over, oh no.”

  Placing both hands on either side of my face, he leans in, kissing me hard. “No one loves you more than I do,” he says, “but the truth is, you didn’t miss your calling as rapper.”

  Laughing harder than I have in a long time, I kiss him back and tell him, “No one loves you more than I do either and a girl always needs a backup plan, coach. With the proper training I could go solo, you never know.”

  On our way to meet Kris and Rachel for pizza, let the record show, my man can freestyle much better than I can.

  Figures.

  “Are you going to slobber over my entire back?”

  “Mhmm,” I mumbled, making sure my mouth covers every inch of her inked skin. “This is how people get staph infections, you know.”

  “You have no open wounds,” I said, softly biting her. “My licking you is totally safe.”

  “Whatever you say, Dr.,” she commented wiggling around. “But if you’ve got all this energy you could work your way down and---”

  “Lina,” I warned her.

  “Huh?” she asked, looking back at me. “Shut up and let me enjoy this.”

  “Sure thing, coach.”

  The following night, Jules walked over and she and Lina went to grab the girls from Venessa’s house. Ten minutes later, Max knocks before entering.

  “You sure about this?” he asks, sitting on our sectional.

  “Yes I’m sure. Rogan and Rafe will be here shortly.”

  “It’s going to hurt,” he says, “but whatever. If you can take two bullets, this should be easy.”

  “Let’s go bitches!” Rafe says, peeking his head in the door. “My partner ain’t as patient as I am.”

  Locking up, we pile into Rogan’s Yukon and drive about three miles when we pull up to the shop. “No shit,” I mumble.

  “You got a problem with the location?” Rogan asks.

  “No,” I say opening my door. “I tracked her here once is all. Small fucking world.”

  He introduces me to his artist who, coincidentally, was Lina’s as well. “I remember you, my man! How’s my girl?”

  When all the guys cover their chests with their arms in support, the jealousy I expected to be there, wasn’t. Okay, it was, but not like it used to be. “She at a concert tonight,” I tell him, shaking his hand. “This is a surprise.”

  “She will dig it,” he says showing us in. “Take a seat.”

  The next two and half hours did, in fact, hurt. The sting was a small price to pay for the masterpiece he created. Looking in the mirror at the piece now covering my side, I thank him, head out and the guys and I even managed to play two hands before the girls came home.

  As always, when the four of them are together it’s loud. Lina oddly enough is usually the most quiet of the group. Crashing through the doors, the three others are all talking at once. Lina though, she came straight to me and crawled into my lap.

  “Tony!” Venessa yells. “I think you need to have her admitted, yeah?”

  “Oh stop. It was sweet,” Macy says, smiling at Lina.

  “No lie, I’m still in shock myself,” Jules says with wide eyes.

  “Oh god, what happened?” I ask cautiously.

  “Oh I’ll tell you,” Venessa says , wrapping herself around Rogan. “That one met Eminem, you know Marshall fucking Mathers? Slim Shady, B-Rabbit, Rap God…”

  “You met him?” I ask, tilting her chin up and cutting Venessa off.

  “Yep,” she says, kissing me.

  “Ah, no!” Jules says. “She snubbed him, is what she did!”

  “She didn’t snub him, Jules. She just kind of walked away after.” Macy says, still smiling at Lina in wonder.

  “After what?” Rafe asks, looking as confused as I was.

  “After he finished his last track, jumped down from the stage and approached her directly.” Macy confirms.

  “I can see it.” Rogan says, pulling on his beard.

  “Weirdest shit I ever saw,” Venessa says. “He didn’t drop his mic and walk backstage; He literally just said fuck it jumped down and ignored everyone but her, as in hold please there’s someone I gotta meet first.”

  “You did that? You walked away? From Eminem? After he jumped down from the stage to meet you?” I ask, her shocked. “But you love him, Lina,” I remind her.

  But she shrugs and says, “I love you more.”

  “Everybody out!” I yell and they got credit for leaving quickly. If anyone was offended, they didn’t show it, but this was our moment. They knew the importance of this as much as I did. “Lina that was a once in a lifetime opportunity.”

  “You are a once in a lifetime opportunity,” she says, kissing me. Pulling back, I look her eyes and I see love there. “I always knew I’d meet Eminem when the time was right, I guess that was it. Thing is I like Eminem but I
love you, coach.”

  Taking her by the hands, I tell her, “I have another surprise for you. Take my shirt off, slowly.” Winking at me, she reaches for me.

  “Define slowly,” she says, careful of my stomach, which hardly hurts much anymore. “Okay, okay,” she chuckles and when it’s half way up, she gasps and her hands flay to her mouth. Taking the shirt off the rest of the way myself, I stand up and turn so I’m facing her.

  “Do you like it?”

  “Coach,” she whispers. “It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. Does it hurt?”

  “You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen and yes, it hurts.”

  “May I?” she asks, reaching for me and when she traces her fingers around the swollen edges, my body shivers. “You sure are sneaky with a camera,” she says quietly. “Why this one?”

  “Because I knew you loved me when you put your head on my shoulder.”

  Speechless, she reaches for the ointment and takes her time applying it and explaining tattoo care to me. It’s not difficult, but I enjoyed listening to her worry about my healing. When I met her she didn’t need me or anyone else. She separated herself on purpose. Now though, she’s opened herself up to love and she struggles with being away from me at all.

  Little by little, she’ll find the medium that she’s comfortable with. I will never complain my woman loves me too much. I get to be the lucky bastard that’s the recipient of her love, and trust me, Lina loves big.

  One month later…

  “Take another one,” he said, handing me the kit. “Why are you staring at me? Stick it in the cup.”

  Rolling my eyes, I peel it apart and then he’s there. “Like this,” he said, tilting the cup sideways. “Make sure it’s saturated.”

  “You realize you’re playing with my piss, right?”

  “You realize you might be carrying my baby, right?”

  “I am carrying your baby.” I reminded him by grabbing three other sticks, all soaked in my piss, all with two pink lines.

  “Damn straight you are,” he growled, lifting me onto the sink. “Life doesn’t get any better than this, Sherlock. I love you so fucking much. Thank you.”

  “For spreading my legs and taking your seed?” I giggled, kissing his neck. “You’re welcome.”

  “For loving me,” he growled nipping my ear.

  “Oh well, you’re welcome for that too.” I told him and to prove his point he pressed me against the sink’s mirror and I watched as he thanked me several times.

  By that, I mean orgasms.

  Last night after four tests and a fuck bout that was seriously impressive, we fell asleep as a couple who just found out they are going to be parents. Me, a mom. Who would have thought? We also decided that the next room we finish would be for the baby and that it would be most bad ass baby room ever. I should also mention I asked him to marry me and he told me no. He told me I would be marrying him and he did it while inside of me, and my vagina gave him a very loud ‘yes.’

  These last four weeks I’ve tried to do more alone to let him breathe, but it’s a struggle. I worry if he’s away from me, he won’t come back. I know it’s irrational, but phobias rarely make sense. They just are. We’ve all been taking turns hosting get togethers at each other’s homes and tonight it’s our turn again. To say that I’ve made progress with my friends is an understatement. They are patient with me. They don’t try and shield me anymore and in return, I’m opening up to them willingly.

  Venessa is the first to walk in while I hear Rogan trying to get Boner to listen to him. That dog only listens to Venessa, which is adorably hilarious, even more so, is watching Rogan trying to catch the little thing. Venessa also cooks now and she’s really good at it.

  “What did you bring me this time?” I ask, peeking under the foil.

  “Oh!” she says, taking out a slice. “Veggie pizza,” she says, sticking one in my mouth.

  “Damn, that’s good,” I tell her, chewing.

  “Right? That Rachel Ray is a smart bitch.”

  “Ladies!” Macy says, entering. “Behold the most delicious non-alcoholic punch Pinterest has to offer!”

  “Yum!” Jules says, coming in the back door with her hands full. “I want a glass. Venessa do something with yourself and make me one.”

  “Make us all one,” I say, washing my hands.

  “Lina,” Venessa says, grabbing cups, “you’re not going to spike it again, are you? You make shit too strong. Last time I couldn’t feel my tongue and Rogue went to bed crabby.”

  “Uh no,” I say, reaching for the glass poured for me. “It’s non-alcoholic for me.”

  “You’re on the wagon?” Macy asks, leaning against the sink.

  “Just for the next eight months or so, then it’s game the fuck on.”

  “You’re pregnant?” Jules asks, blinking as Anthony walks in smiling.

  “Yep,” I smile at her, leaning against him.

  “I’m pregnant too!” she says, beaming.

  “Shut the fuck up!” Macy squeals. “So am I!”

  Throwing her cup in the sink and backing away, Venessa reaches for Rogan. “The three of you stay the hell away from me!” she says, looking horrified. “Rogue, something is in the water supply!”

  “We aren’t contagious,” I offer, laughing. “Come here, Venessa you need a hug.”

  “Oh hell no,” she says, laughing too. “Don’t you pull that hugging shit with me, Lina.”

  Grabbing her anyway, I hug her tight. “Auntie V,” I whisper. “I like it.”

  “I like it too,” she whispers back. “I love you, Lina,” she mumbles.

  “I love you too, V.”

  “So we’re celebrating then,” Rogan says.

  “Dude we can totally have all the sex we want without pulling out now,” Rafe says, high fiving Max and Anthony.

  “You pull out?” Anthony asks, genuinely confused.

  “Fuck no,” Rafe says, looking at Macy then lowering his voice. “I just pretend I do.”

  Anthony pulls me onto his lap and that’s how our night goes—laughter, jokes and non-alcoholic punch. I couldn’t have dreamt anything better than this. Only, it did get better and that kind of happiness takes some getting used to. Especially when I saw it all play out in my head again. Trying to explain the way my head works would only worry them so I kept it to myself because I’m a gem and didn’t want to ruin it for the rest of them.

  Eight months and 42 days later…

  “I really think those classes were important,” I told her, flipping through the ‘what to expect when your woman refuses to listen’ book. “Are you sure you’re breathing right?”

  Leveling me with a serious look, she growled at me. “In through the nose, out through the mouth, fucker. It isn’t like it’s my first day sucking oxygen!”

  “Peinko, I’m just trying to---”

  “Help,” she whimpered. “I know and I’m only mildly sorry. My vagina hurts, my back hurts and if you don’t stuff my big fat ass in my truck and get me to where the drugs are, I am going to smother you with that god damn baby book!”

  “Okay, okay,” I muttered, helping her out the back door. Lifting her up, she starts to moan but before I can say or do anything, she grabbed my face really fucking hard. “I love you, Anthony,” she groaned. “Promise to forgive me for anything I say or any people I hit okay? Promise me.”

  “I promise Lina,” I whispered. “You’re going to do great.”

  “Of course I am,” she said, leaning back into her seat. “I don’t do anything in half measures, remember?”

  “I won’t leave your side,” I told her, backing out. “Whatever you need, I’ll make sure it happens.”

  “I know you will,” she groaned again. “You’re the best coach ever. Jesus Christ on a cracker he’s on deck, coach!”

  Hitting the gas, the phone rings and of course only she would answer it while having a contraction. “Lo?” “No shit,” she laughed. “Me too! Headed there n
ow oh wow ow!” taking a breath she gripped my arm. “Macy too? V was right we got some voo doo in our water! Okay Red, see you soon, breathe it out, sister and hit Max if you have to.”

  “You’re all in labor at once aren’t you?”

  “Okay, so maybe they don’t do anything in half measures either. Oh god of vaginal tearing, this hurts, coach!”

  “Hit me, scream at me whatever you need, Lina,” I reassured her. “We’re almost there. Oh my god, Max just lapped us.” I said as he flew by us.

  “Probably to seek medical treatment,” she giggled in between contractions. “Red hits like a man.”

  Getting her phone out, she shoots Jules a text then shows me, while laughing so hard it turns into a moan which turns into laughter again. Her text said: What’s the rush, speed racer? Max bleeding already?

  Jules’ response: Like a bitch.

  Months ago, I was in a room, tied to a radiator and thought that was the most helpless I’ve ever felt in my life. Wrong. This is the most helpless I’ve ever felt in my life, here, this moment watching the love of my life, who loved me enough to marry me in a quick ceremony ministered by Jules herself, baring down in unspeakable pain to deliver our child.

  I’m cursing myself for doing this to her. This was the worst idea I’ve ever had. Next door, Macy is screaming at the nurses about how to do their job and the door across from her is Jules, cursing Max for taking pictures of her with his phone. Out in the hall Venessa and Rogan are pacing, making pit stops in each room offering comfort and support.

  “Get pregnant, they said,” she says, gagging when entering our room. “It will be fun, they said.” Standing next to Lina’s bed, holding her hand she says, “Don’t put me down for this shit, ever.”

  “It’s not so bad, ow fuck! Sonofabitchfacedcuntmother---Coach!” she screams for me.

  “I’m here Sherlock, just breathe.”

  “Breathe?” she growls, pointing at my dick. “You fucking breathe, from your balls!”

  “She’s possessed,” Venessa says, looking freaked out. “How does she still look pretty with a head sticking out of her cooch?”