by Lisa Olsen
“I’m not going to cut her some slack because she wants to control people.” It made me feel sick to listen to him defend her after everything she’d done. “Look, I get that you love her, and I get that part of it’s real and part of it might be what she put into your head and I’m sorry about that. But nothing you can say will excuse Carys’ behavior. She’s the one who chose to mess with Rob because she’s a jealous b.i.t.c.h. Well, she can be that all she wants, and you can kid yourself about how open your eyes are to her. I’m going home.”
That brought him up short. “You’re leaving?”
“I did what I came to do, I broke the curse, Rob’s free and healthy. You’re… with Carys. There doesn’t seem much to keep me here.”
“And if I wasn’t with Carys?”
I shook my head. Now wasn’t the time for him to start this, not when I was already so jumbled up inside. “Don’t…”
“It didn’t work, don’t you see? Carys might’ve compelled me to love her, but it didn’t stop me from loving you.”
He loved me.
I blinked back the shine of tears at hearing those words, words I’d never thought to hear again since Carys’ return. The proof of that love shone from his face, and I let it warm me for a few glorious moments before reality intruded.
“I do love you, Bishop. But…”
Bishop looked back at the bed. “I know, you love him too.”
He was right. God help me, as messed up as it was, I loved them both. “I won’t play Carys, I won’t try to keep you both.”
“I’d do it if you asked me to,” he whispered, catching up my hand. “Not like tonight, but… I’d learn to share, somehow, if that’s what it took to be with you.”
I could see what it cost him to make that offer, and I squeezed his hand in reassurance. “I’d never ask you to do that.” As titillating as the idea might be of having my beefcake and eating it too, I wasn’t that girl.
“And that’s why I love you,” he smiled, his thumb brushing over the back of my hand before his face twisted with anguish. “Just… don’t leave like this. Stay, and we’ll work this out.”
“I can’t. Not here, not with her. What do you think would happen if you left Carys to be with me? Do you think she’d just smile and say sayonara? She let me have Rob back because I wounded her pride and she didn’t much care about him, but you’re the one she wants. You’re the one she’s always wanted, and whether you like it or not, part of you is still in love with her too. I’d have to be crazy to think about getting in the middle of that.”
“Then we won’t stick around to see what she thinks.” Bishop crushed me to him, strong arms holding me tight. A twinge of pain zinged through my shoulder, but it was worth it. “Ask me to come with you and I will. I don’t care about Carys and Jakob can find someone else to take over the Order.”
For a few seconds my mind spun that possible future for us, Bishop back in San Francisco with me, getting used to each other again. But how long would it last with both Carys and Jakob on our bad sides? And what about Rob? Where did he fit into this scenario? As good as it felt to be in his arms, I knew what he suggested wasn’t a fair or realistic solution.
“I can’t ask you to do that. Not when I don’t know how much I can give you. What I need the most right now is some time to figure things out.”
Bishop let go of me. “With Rob by your side?”
“He needs me.”
“Does he? Like you said, the curse is broken. He’s a big boy, Anja. Get him away from Carys and her compulsion and I’m sure he can get along on his own. Or are you just asking for time to come up with a polite way to tell me you’ve chosen him over me again?”
“No, that’s not it. Rob and I have our own issues to work out. It’s…” There wasn’t a good way to settle this, it was all too messed up. “I think it’s for the best to get far away from Carys and her brand of crazy right now.”
He nodded, hands falling to his hips with a resigned sigh. “Alright, I understand.”
“Do you? I wish I did.”
Bishop chuckled, sweeping me back into his arms for a bear hug. “Okay, I lied. I didn’t know what else to say.”
“I wish I could make sense of how I’m feeling, but it’s all a big jumbled mess.”
“It’s okay. Let it be a mess,” he said, rocking me gently. “Let it sweep you up and make you dizzy until you feel like you can’t breathe. And then find a toehold, just one. From there, you can get your balance back and start to pick it apart to figure out what all these feelings are and what to do with them. Don’t chase after them, let them come to you, and you can examine them one at a time and decide where to put them. That’s what I do when I feel overwhelmed with a problem. Eventually you get everything classified, and the next step is sorting them, and then once they’re sorted you can decide how much they weigh. When you take a step back, the answer is usually staring you right in the face.”
I smiled against his chest. Trust Bishop to find a methodical way to sort through the sharknado of my emotions. “You make it sound so simple.”
“It is, once you have some time to catch your breath. You do it all the time with your lists. Step one, make some order out of the chaos, and then you can worry about interpreting it.”
He was right about that too. “Maybe, but not tonight. My brain is officially done thinking for the night. All I want to do is sleep for a bajillion years.” The sun was climbing higher in the sky, I could feel it out there, sapping my strength.
“Get some sleep.” He kissed the top of my head and let me go. “Nothing says you have to rush into anything. That’s the beauty of having a complicated life, it’ll all still be here tomorrow,” he chuckled, and I followed him to the door with a faint smile on my lips.
“That’s right. Forever is a long time.”
Bishop stopped at the door, reaching out to trace my lower lip with his thumb. “And forever is how long I’ll love you.”
My breath caught in my throat, trapped in the moment that I didn’t want to end. I didn’t know what to say. I loved him too, I always had. Even when he’d made me so mad I wanted to punch him in the throat. But it wasn’t the right time to be together, not with Carys and Rob between us. So I did the only thing I could, I kissed him, telling him without words where he belonged in my heart. There was joy and longing in that kiss, as well as regret, and when it came to a close, his forehead lay pressed against mine.
“Goodnight, Bishop,” I whispered. He kissed me once more on the forehead and left, heading down the corridor, not to his room across the hall. I let out a long breath as I sagged against the door, letting the storm of emotions wash over me. I loved him, but I also loved Rob too. What the heck was I going to do?
Chapter Thirty-Seven
I slept in much later than usual the next evening. Maybe it was my body’s way of helping to heal my shoulder since I hadn’t had any blood, or maybe it was the aquavit I drank on top of the bourbon before I finally fell asleep. Either way, I was surprised to find Rob gone when I woke. Okay, so he hadn’t gone too far, I found him next to the couch in the sitting room, zipping up his pair of duffel bags. He looked nice, his black suit crisply pressed.
“Oh good, you’re packed,” I smiled, heading for the house phone to have them send up some blood. “I want to say our goodbyes and get going early tonight. The sooner we get home, the better.” I should’ve guessed something was wrong when he didn’t look at me.
“I ain’t going home with you,” he said in little more than a mumble.
Maybe I needed a drink of blood more than I’d thought. My brain was still foggy. “I’m sorry, what did you say?”
“It’s not working, is it?”
“What do you mean? We’re making this work.” Okay, so I had doubts as big as the Death Star, but he didn’t know that. Or did he?
“You can say that all you want, but it ain’t been right since you came to find me at my Gran’s apartment.” He looked at me then, and I saw the anguis
h in his eyes. “Sometimes when you try to put something together again after it breaks, the pieces don’t quite fit together any more. That’s you and me, we’re broken.”
Part of me should’ve felt relieved he was taking part of the difficult equation out of my hands, but all I felt was a stab of terror at the thought of losing him for good. Rob had become a cornerstone of my life. Even when I’d left, I’d known he was out there somewhere, loving me. Was he saying it was all gone now?
“You don’t… You don’t even want to try to put us back together again?” I asked, the words sticking in my throat.
“It’s for the best if I move on. The curse is lifted, you don’t need to feel guilty now I can take care of myself.”
“That’s not why I…” Well, part of the reason why I’d come looking for him had been out of guilt and responsibility, but not all of it. Deep down I’d still loved him, despite the past. “What happened to all of our plans for the future? What happened to waiting forever to win me back?”
“It’s safer this way.”
“Safer?” I snorted. “How exactly do you think this is safer for me?”
“It’s safer for me,” Rob’s eyes flashed in anger, but I couldn’t tell who he was more upset with, me or him. “I can’t keep going on hurting you. You may be alright with having to forgive me on the regular, but I can’t live like that.”
“But you’re not cursed anymore.”
“That didn’t put an end to it, did it?”
“I told you, I know last night wasn’t your fault.”
“It ain’t just about what happened last night. If you love me, kiss me right now.” He stalked toward me and I backed up in surprise, not sure what he was going for.
“What?”
“If we’re to belong to each other, show me how much you love me. Let me love you right here, right now.” He pinned me with his body, hands flat against the wall on either side of my head. A rush of excitement went through me as our bodies pressed close, but I instinctively tried to squirm free, not liking the way he trapped me there. “You won’t, will you?”
“Just back up a sec and let me…”
Defeat mingled with triumph on his face. “You don’t want me no more, not like that.”
“I just need some time to…”
“No, you don’t.” He pushed away from the wall. “I wasn’t never nothing but a substitute for you when Bishop didn’t want you no more.”
“How can you say that?” I gaped at him in shock. “I chose you, not him. Bishop came back for me in San Francisco and I chose you.”
“Maybe after you turned me, because you felt responsible for me.”
“That was way before I turned you, before he took the job in Rome.”
“That’s as may be, but it don’t change the fact that you been using me to forget Bishop now that he’s with Carys.”
“That’s crazy. If that was true, then why the hell did I demand Carys let you go instead of him?” I stalked after him now, anger burning like a coal within me. “I know you were passed out for half of that fight, but I had her on the ropes. I could’ve killed her if I’d wanted to. I didn’t ask for Bishop’s freedom, I asked for yours. Why would I do that if I didn’t love you, you big dummy?”
Rob turned to face me, the anger fading, replaced with a despair that made my heart ache. “Love shouldn’t be this hard.”
What a thing to say. I had nothing to refute it with. Maybe that’s part of why I’d kept my heart in reserve with him. Maybe part of me always had always known that. Maybe that’s why I’d gone to Jakob looking for a quick fix rather than deal with the painful truth my heart had been trying to tell me.
“I didn’t never really deserve you,” he said with an ocean of regret swimming in his eyes. “I ain’t about to doom you to a forever of misery for my own selfish wants. Not when I could set you free.”
We stared at each other, unmoving, neither one of us speaking, because that would make what he’d said real.
“Where will you go?” I asked, finally finding my voice.
“I dunno,” he shrugged. “There’s plenty of places to kick around before I settle in.”
“If you’re ever in San Francisco...”
“I won’t be,” Rob said with a note of finality to it I couldn’t dispute.
“Forever is a long time,” I whispered, a veil of dread settling over my heart, unlike the hope I’d felt the last time I’d uttered it. Rob didn’t give more than a grim nod in reply. “I guess there’s nothing left to say.”
“Not really, no.”
“I release my claim on you,” I said, not knowing the formal words to dissolve such a thing between us. A muscle twitched on the side of his jaw, but he didn’t say anything back. I backed away, heading for the bedroom before the tears started. “Goodbye, Rob.”
“Goodbye, miss.”
I stopped, stricken… not sure what he was trying to tell me with that single word. Turning on my heel, I left without another word.
* * *
There were more than a few tears mixed in with the long shower I took. By the time the hot water was gone, I was no closer to figuring out how much of what Rob had said was true and how much was his bruised ego. Had I been using Rob to shield me from the pain of Bishop choosing Carys over me? Definitely not consciously, but the idea bothered me more than I liked. I knew I’d have to sort it out eventually, but I couldn’t do it there. I wanted to be on familiar footing before I found my first toehold.
There was no sign of Rob when I emerged from the bathroom to start packing up my stuff. I took advantage of the room service one last time instead of going hunting. The sooner I got out of there, the better. I felt bad for having to call down to Lee, Gunnar, and Maggie to tell them I wanted to leave so abruptly, especially since they had no idea why, but nobody complained when I asked them to meet me downstairs in an hour.
I stopped off to say goodbye to Jakob in person. He didn’t know my exact reasons for leaving either, but after my talk with him the night before, he could guess what was behind my sudden desire to put Vetis in my rearview mirror. He seemed stronger, excited about the prospect of leaving soon to show Nelleke the wonders of the world. Nell was overjoyed with the invitation, and I couldn’t be happier for them. She would get to know her father and Jakob would get to show someone the world through his eyes – which was all he’d ever wanted, come to think of it.
Aubrey waited for us when we gathered in the main hall while our luggage was being loaded up. “Leaving so soon?” he asked, and I could’ve sworn he looked nervous or even almost afraid of something.
“Yes. It’s about time I headed for home.”
He took a half step closer, his voice dropping in volume. “It’s not because of what happened last night, is it?”
My mind swam with possibilities before I realized he meant what’d happened between us. “Oh, no. That has nothing to do with it,” I reassured him, and the stiffness went out of his jaw.
“I’m glad we’re able to part as friends then,” he smiled, and I leaned in to kiss his cheek.
“For the first time, maybe.”
“Ugh, why do you have to leave just when things were getting interesting?” he said with a dramatic roll of the eyes. “You know you’re welcome to return at any time.”
“There’s an Elder around here who might disagree with you about that, but thanks,” I smiled. “Oh, hey… I keep forgetting to bring this up, but did you know that you’re losing vamps like rats abandoning a sinking ship?”
It was easy to see I’d stumped him. “How do you mean?”
I motioned to Gunnar to come and join us. “I think maybe you two had better have a chat before we leave. Give him the highlights of what you told me, Gunnar. He deserves to know what’s going on in his own House.”
I left them to join Maggie and Tucker, who stood next to each other with big, sad, puppy-dog eyes. Had I missed something? Probably, I was too wrapped up in my own stuff to notice anything else going
on. “Are we all set?” I asked Maggie, who gave me a solemn nod.
“The jet’s awaiting us now and I’ve got two cars to take us to the airport. I noticed that Rob’s already gone.”
Was that why she looked like I’d stolen the last chocolate biscuit? I knew she’d been pulling for the two of us, but there was nothing I could do about it. “Yes, he won’t be coming home with us.”
She nodded, and turned to Tucker, picking up his hand.
“I g-guess this is goodbye,” he said, and that’s when I realized why they were both so close to tears.
“No wait, you’re coming home with us. I mean, if you want to. I’m not the boss of you, unless you want me to be. But there’s a place for you with us for as long as you want one.”
“R-really?” Tucker’s face lit up like Christmas morning, and before I could reply, he picked up Maggie and swung her around with a whoop of joy. Maggie threw her head back and giggled until he put her down, her cheeks flushed with color.
“I need to go g-get a few things,” he said, worry pinching his brows together as if we might leave if he turned his back on us.
“Take all the time you need, the jet will wait for us,” I assured him.
Maggie turned to me with a huge smile, I don’t think I’d ever seen so many of her teeth at once. “Thank you, Anja. I’d actually been thinking about staying on here.”
“I’m sorry if I wasn’t clear about bringing him with us before, I thought it was understood. You can go help him pack if you want to, I’ll wait. It looks like Gunnar’s going to need longer talking to Aubrey anyway.” Okay, so maybe I was stalling, waiting to see if a certain vampire cop would show up. Then again, the more we lingered, the bigger a chance there was I’d run into Carys again, so that definitely cut into my desire to stick around.
