Let Me Love You

by Lily Foster

He sat me in the chair and studied me. “I will only do this because you have the face for it. But now I must know, did you just rob a bank?”

  He gave me my first laugh of the day. “Nothing like that, more like a depraved boss who has spent a good part of the summer leering at me. He just commented that he loved my long hair. I have a staff meeting in an hour and I’d really love to get my message across.”

  “I love it! But I must warn you, ma cherie, you will still be very beautiful with the short hair.”

  I felt like I’d made a new friend. As Marcel lopped off—gulp—numerous inches, we talked and laughed as if I’d known him forever. I told him all about Bennett without naming names and he filled me in on some of the juiciest network gossip, as he cut many of the high profile talents’ hair.

  As I admired my very different look in the mirror, Marcel walked over and air-kissed none other than Meredith Carey on both cheeks. She was the lead anchor of the morning news program that led into Bennett’s show. I admired her and was impressed with how everyone in the studio regarded her with respect.

  Marcel introduced us briefly, telling her that I was a summer intern working at the network. She greeted me kindly and then commented, “I have seen you in the studio. I hope Glenn is behaving himself.”

  I smiled and nodded. After telling her what a pleasure it was to have met her, I shot Marcel a desperate look and said, “S’il vous plaît, Marcel, ne dites pas mes secrets!”

  I heard Ms. Carey laugh. “Marcel, she should know you can’t keep any secrets!”

  He crooned, “I knew there was a reason I loved her just like I love you, Meredith. Belle et elle parle francais!”

  Marcel called after me in French telling me he wanted to give me a maintenance trim before I headed back to Boston. When I got to the front desk I was told by the receptionist, who was now overly friendly, “No charge today, Rene. Marcel’s gift to you.”

  Again, the kindness of strangers never ceased to amaze me. I took the salon card so that I could write him a personal thank you note.

  I raced in and plopped down in my chair after everyone else was seated for the staff meeting. Bennett’s mouth fell open when he saw me and I noticed a few of the female staffers stifle a giggle. “Well, Ms. Beaumont, that’s a different look.”

  I said in a chipper voice, “Yep, just time for a change.”

  I wasn’t sure but I thought I actually saw Matt smile and regard me with a hint of respect. Maybe he wasn’t so terrible after all but we were still not besties.

  The summer was winding down and Caitlin was finally coming in this weekend. Her aunt had a place in the Hamptons and we were heading out there with Caroline and Maureen. Then it would be one more week at the network and back to school.

  Of course, Caitlin’s aunt had a gorgeous place a block from the beach in East Hampton. Saturday afternoon her aunt’s driver took us to Montauk to a surfer bar right on the beach. Talk about a convention of beautiful people. It seemed like everyone there was a model.

  I was just happy to cut loose. I had spent every weekend that summer working the service bar at a small place in the Village. The tips were mediocre; summer was not high season in Manhattan.

  Even with the Bennett drama, I had a great experience this summer that I wouldn’t trade for the world. It was an education that I never could have gotten sitting in a classroom. Still, I was happy to be heading back to school. I missed my friends and the familiar comfort of campus.

  Caleb

  Was time healing this wound? I guess. I still missed her and wished she’d change her mind but I was finally coming out of the total funk I had been in. It had been almost five months since I last saw Rene. I knew she had been in the city, my city, all summer. I congratulated her when Darcy mentioned that she’d snagged the internship at ABC and Rene texted back only a curt thank you. Darcy had forwarded Rene’s contact info and asked if I’d take her out once to show her around but no, that wasn’t going to happen. I’d just make up a story…too busy, whatever. Darcy wouldn’t look too far into it.

  I found myself looking for Rene wherever I went but as Luke had said, Manhattan was a big island. I even tuned into the Glenn Bennett Hour a few times on my computer while I was working. It’s not like I was going to see her on camera or anything but just the fact that she was there made me want to see it. Now that I knew about Bennett, I couldn’t help but view everything the guy said as slimy and disingenuous. I prayed that she wasn’t fighting him off or having to put up with his sexist crap the entire summer.

  It wasn’t like I was sitting home moping all summer. I was up at the Cape with friends two weekends and was at our beach house surfing sometimes. I did hook up with a girl I’d gone to school with during one of those Cape weekends and I really tried to be attracted to Lauren. She was pretty, smart, accomplished…it just wasn’t good timing and I told her so.

  The last two weeks of August I flew over to Greece to meet up with Darcy, my cousin Erin, Luke and Kate. Being with my family did ground me. We had a lot of laughs, just like when we were kids living at home together.

  One night after a late dinner we were sitting at a beach café having drinks in Santorini, one of the most beautiful spots on earth, when Mick texted me.

  I’m at the Surf Lounge in Montauk. You’ll never believe who’s here.

  I wrote back:

  Yawn. Who?

  Mick sent back a picture with the caption:

  Still yawning?

  It was Rene. It looked like the picture was taken from across a bar. Her hair was really short, like a sexy, shaggy pixie cut. She was laughing with a few girls, one looked like Caitlin. She looked great. She looked happy.

  Although I would always want only the best for Rene, her ability to maintain this distance with so little show of emotion had started to wear on me.

  Maybe I was just more into her than she was into me all along. I felt anger rise up in me but the truth was, seeing the picture of her just brought me back to that place all over again where I felt like my heart was being torn apart. I couldn’t think of how to respond. He wrote first:

  Now having a drink with them. Got caught taking pics and had to assure them I’m not a perv.

  A minute later:

  Rene says hi.

  A minute later:

  Me thinks I like Caitlin. You there?

  I shouldn’t respond. Let her know how it feels to reach out and get nothing back. But I was weak when it came to her.

  Tell Rene I like the haircut. Tell Caitlin to stay away from u…u are a perv. Bye Mick.

  As I shut my phone off Darcy broke into my thoughts. “Who are you texting?”

  “Mick. He actually ran into your roommates in Montauk.”

  She looked wistful. “I can’t wait to see all of them. He must have run into Caitlin and Rene, they were staying at Caitlin’s aunt’s place in the Hamptons this weekend.”

  I acted disinterested. “Yeah, I guess.”

  “Beth stayed with Rene last week in the city. She said her sublet was an absolute dump but they had a lot of fun going out with Rene’s coworkers. She said Rene was having a great experience at the network.”

  “That’s good to hear.”

  “I know. I’ll be happy if she gets a job in New York next year.”

  “If that’s what she wants.”

  “Yeah, that’s her goal. She’ll do it, I never doubt that girl.”

  Luke and Kate just sat quietly taking it all in. When Darcy and Erin left to go to the club down the street, Kate asked, “Are you going to tell Darcy about you and Rene before she goes back to school?”

  “I don’t see any reason to. I know Rene won’t be advertising it to anyone. It’s in the past, right? Doesn’t really matter anymore.”

  With that I got up to walk back to the villa we rented. Shit, it still hurt, so fucking bad. What I wouldn’t give to be at that bar in Montauk right now, just to have the chance to look at her.

  Later that night, as I lay awake, I turned my phone
back on to see if Mick had texted.

  Nothing.

  Rene

  Caitlin tossed a coaster clear across the bar and yelled, “Excuse me, is there a reason you’re taking pictures of us girls?”

  The guy started cracking up laughing and put his hands up in surrender as he made his way over to us. Like everyone else in this place, he was one of the beautiful people. Board shorts, no shirt, chiseled torso and a devastatingly handsome face. Caitlin snapped again but she was smiling now, “Since we are the shortest women in the bar, I’m assuming you’re not scouting for a modeling agency, so that means you’re probably just some smarmy dude.”

  His eyes widened and he broke into another fit of laughter. “Smarmy? That’s my new favorite word!”

  Now Caitlin was overtly flirting with the guy. I’d say she was even sticking her ample chest out a little farther. “So, I’m still waiting for an explanation.”

  “Sorry I creeped you out, ladies, but I’m not a stranger. Rene, remember me, Mick?” When I still looked lost he added, “I’m a friend of Caleb’s.”

  “Oh, I didn’t recognize you, Mick! Your hair is longer.”

  “And yours is shorter!”

  I introduced Caroline, Maureen and Caitlin to Mick. What had it been, three minutes? Mick and Caitlin already looked as if they wanted to tear one another’s clothes off.

  Caitlin kept her head, though, and asked what she knew I so desperately wanted to hear about. “How’s Caleb doing? What’s he been up to?”

  He looked directly at me as he answered, “He’s good. Better now. I don’t know what you did to him, Rene, but he was all sorts of messed up for a long while.”

  I got the impression when I first met Mick that he had no filter; what was on his mind came right on out. The thought of Caleb not doing well made me want to cry and I guess I didn’t do a great job of hiding that. “Shit, I’m sorry, Rene. Like I said, he’s doing great now. He’s in Greece with Luke, Kate and Darcy. Can I tell him you say hi?”

  I shook it off and composed myself. “Definitely.”

  Mick then resumed chatting up the girls but I could barely follow along. The first two months after it happened I had been at my worst and then the fog slowly, finally started to lift. There was still, and would probably always be, a part of me that felt pain and regret when something brought me back to that time. And it happened often, as life surrounds you with it. Every mother or father I saw cradling their baby, every pregnant woman, every “right to life” billboard and bumper sticker; these things I scarcely noticed before were now painful reminders. But I had moved on. I generally felt happy and had a positive outlook on my life. I did still miss Caleb, though, and the thought of me causing him pain was crushing. Mick tapped my shoulder and smiled at me. “Hey, he said to tell you he likes the new ‘do.”

  I smiled but my eyes felt sad. A few minutes later the DJ started up again and Maureen and Caroline dragged me out to dance. I snapped out of my funk; I didn’t want to drag down everyone’s mood. We headed back to the house much later without Caitlin—surprise, surprise. As we sat around the fire pit and Maureen mixed up a batch of margaritas, Caroline asked, “What was that about before, Rene? I felt so bad for you when Mick mentioned that guy.”

  “Caleb? He’s a really great person. It just didn’t work out.”

  Maureen was looking to make me laugh when she asked, “Does Caleb look like Mick? I think I could endure a lot of crap for someone like that.”

  “Believe it or not, Caleb’s better looking.”

  Maureen’s eyes went wide. “Seriously?”

  I couldn’t help but giggle. “Yes, which I guess makes me a total idiot.”

  They both started discussing their respective love lives then and I was glad; I really liked these girls but I was not divulging anything more about Caleb.

  I was so glad I had met Caroline and Maureen. They made my summer so much better by taking me under their wing. They saw what Bennett was trying to pull from the start and supported me through it. Each had been in my position at one point in their careers and gave me invaluable advice.

  The next morning I was up at sunrise. The house we were staying in was beautiful but the garden—it was breathtaking. I made myself coffee and sat outside just soaking it all in. I sat there thinking about what Caleb was doing at that exact moment. It was midday in Greece. I was so tempted to text him just so he knew I was thinking about him. But like so many other times, I didn’t. A short while later a very scruffy looking Mick came strolling out onto the patio. “Well hello. I’ll be your best friend if you show me where the coffee is.”

  “Sit down. I’m getting myself another cup, I’ll make you some.”

  “Gracias.”

  He still sounded somewhat buzzed and looked like I’d given him a cup of solid gold when I handed him the steaming mug. I teased, “So, you and Caitlin have fun last night?”

  He rubbed one hand over his face and laughed. “Lots.” He went on, “I’m glad I ran into you girls but I lost my friends at some point last night. I don’t even know where I’m staying! Hopefully one of these drunken slobs answers their phone.” He went to scroll through his phone and then chuckled. “Caleb is asking how my night went. He wouldn’t give a crap how it went if I wasn’t with you.”

  I lowered my head and took in a deep breath. “Rene, I don’t know what happened between you two, he doesn’t talk about it. I just…I never saw him care about a girl the way he does about you. When you guys broke up he was like, I don’t know, devastated. He was back to his bar brawling ways. It got a little scary for a while.”

  I shook my head. “I feel terrible hearing that.”

  “I’m not saying it to make you feel terrible. I just want you to know you mean a lot to him.” He slapped his thigh then. “And that’s enough of that! Hey, Caitlin told me why you cut your hair, I fucking love that story!”

  I told him about the rest of my summer and then Mick told me about his job and how he and Caleb talk about starting their own trading group. He seemed genuinely surprised and pleased when I told him that Caleb had commented on how bright he was.

  Like Caleb, Mick was a really nice guy and easy to talk to. We sat talking about anything and everything for a good solid hour before Caitlin and Maureen joined us. I have to say, I think Caitlin was a little smitten. It’s the first time she acted kind of shy around a guy. He was cute, grabbing her hand and kissing it when he saw her. Interesting.

  We wound up taking Mick back to his friend’s house before we headed back into the city. Caitlin and I had dinner at a small neighborhood dive that had become my absolute favorite—translation: cheap and good. “So? Do you like him?”

  “Don’t look at me like that! Yes, he’s gorgeous, very nice, phenomenal in the sack—”

  “Caitlin!”

  “What? He is. But face it, I’ll probably never see him again. I’m not getting all swoony over this. But it was nice.”

  After a minute she asked, “Did you two talk about Caleb this morning?”

  “A little. The idea of him going through a rough time makes me feel….just sad.”

  “Yeah, I know. He told me Caleb was a wreck for a long time. Like, out of control, almost got himself arrested. He said he’s calmed down but still just isn’t himself. It sounds like he really loves you.” She went on, “I didn’t share anything about you, Rene. I know you wouldn’t have wanted me to.”

  “Caitlin, I love him. I always will but I’m not certain it could ever work out. What happened is a huge, awful thing to have between two people.” Through hurt laughter I said, “And he’s not too broken up. When Mick saw how sad I was when he told me about Caleb, he started to reassure me by telling me, ‘Caleb’s not a total basket case, I mean he’s been seeing other people, just not people he’s into.’”

  Caitlin laughed. “Man, Mick’s adorable but a dumb ass.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh too. “And I can’t blame Caleb. He should be dating. He’s reached out to me a millio
n times and I barely respond.”

  “I still say give it time, Rene.”

  “I think too much time has passed.”

  The station threw a reception for the interns from all of the programs in the news division. I had met so many great people and was hoping I would be working with some of them in the future. At one point Matt walked up to me. “I want to apologize to you, Rene. I was kind of a dick when we first met. I made some wrong assumptions and to be honest, I think I treated you that way because you were a little intimidating. I’m sorry.”

  I smiled. “You were an absolute…tool but I appreciate the apology, Matt. So what’s next for you? Are you looking to come back next year?”

  “Nah, I don’t think this is for me. Before I blew out my knee I was on my way to playing baseball beyond college. That’s not going to happen now but I think teaching, maybe high school, and coaching is what I’m meant to do.”

  “I think that’s great, Matt.”

  “So, I know you would never date a coworker but since we are officially no longer working together, do you want to grab dinner one night soon before we head back to school?”

  My initial reaction was to say no but after hearing that Caleb had been right back at it already made me reconsider. “All right, but just as friends?”

  “Okay, I guess I could do that.”

  Meredith Carey made her way over to me as she was putting on her jacket to leave. “Rene, I wanted to catch you before I left. I inquired about you and got some very positive feedback. You have a strong background and from what I’ve heard, you were able to handle some very tricky situations with grace and fortitude. If you’re interested, I want you to know you have a job waiting for you after graduation.” She gestured to the woman next to her. “This is my personal assistant, Barbara Kern. If the answer is yes, I’ll expect you to forward an updated copy of your resume to Ms. Kern by early March.”

  As Ms. Kern handed me her card I said, “I can tell you right now that I want the job. It would be an honor to work with you, Ms. Carey.”

  She smiled warmly. “Then I will be seeing you next summer. Rene, you do know where the next winter Olympics are being held?”