Let Me Love You

by Lily Foster

  I wanted to tell the cab driver to keep going when I saw him sitting on the stoop. Instead, I got out of the cab. I wanted to kick him, actually inflict physical pain on him. “I hope you’re not here to tell me that I didn’t see what I saw.”

  “It isn’t what you think.”

  “You sound like a cliché.”

  “We were saying goodbye. I should not have danced with her like that. I realize now what it must have looked like to you.”

  “And how’s that?”

  “Like there was more to it than there was.”

  “You mean like her tits were pressed up against you, you looked like you were enjoying her body and you were looking at her with the same look I thought was only reserved for me? Just fuck off, Caleb.”

  I went to walk past him and stood with my hand on the doorknob, facing away from him. He held my shoulders so I couldn’t brush past him. “Rene, please stop. I know what I did was wrong. I mean, if I thought you were in the room then I wouldn’t have been having that moment with her, so I know it went too far. But don’t ever think for a minute that I feel close to anyone, love anyone, but you. That girl, I needed to apologize to. She was there when I was at my worst and I used her. I knew she cared about me but I never felt the same. Honestly, what you saw last night was us just telling each other goodbye again and me telling her that I was sorry.”

  “You made me look like a fool.”

  “You’re no one’s fool.”

  I was choking back a sob, fighting with myself not to cry. “Don’t patronize me. The way you held her…you wanted her. If I didn’t show up I think things may have gone further between you two. You’re going to deny that but I know what I saw. You were looking at her and she was looking at you with shared intimacy, with desire.”

  He moved closer to me and held my shoulders tighter. “You’re wrong!”

  “I don’t want to be hurt or jealous. I hate this feeling. I feel stupid, like you see me as naïve. Sweet Rene, never been around the block. Your little virgin. How would you feel if you walked in and found me in the same position, looking in some other guy’s eyes like that?”

  “I’d feel like I was punched in the gut. I know I fucked up, Rene.”

  “That was more than fucking up, Caleb. You gave me a reason not to trust you. I can’t get the image out of my mind. You looked so…so…into her,” I said as I choked back the tears again. “I’ve gotta go.”

  He didn’t let go and his voice was cracking as he said, “No, Rene, you’re not going. I’m not going to let you go in there, then ignore my calls for a week, shut me out and send me away. You can’t do that anymore. It fucking hurts too much. You’ve got to face things with me, no matter what. I know what I did was wrong. I also know there is nothing between her and me and there is no way anything would have happened last night. No. Way. I love you with everything I have.”

  My shoulders slumped and I cried. He held me close and kissed the top of my head. After a long while of us just standing there in the same position he said, “Please tell me we’re ok.”

  “No, we’re not ok.”

  “Will you come back home with me?”

  “No, Caleb. I feel drained. I just want to take another shower and fall into bed. And I don’t want to be with you, even be near you.”

  He hung his head. “Please don’t shut me out, Rene. Can I please come pick you up tomorrow?”

  “I don’t know.”

  He choked out the words. “No. I’ll be here at twelve. I love you, Rene.”

  Maureen was waiting for me when I got in so she got the full story. She looked pensive, lost in thought, before she said, “This isn’t grounds for ending anything, Rene. Shit like this happens. I would be hurt too but I believe what he said.”

  “Deep down, I do believe him. I just have this strong urge to hurt him back. To cut him off, ignore him.”

  “Passive aggressive, are we?”

  “Yeah, I guess. He calls me on it.”

  “Are you going to see him tonight?”

  “No. I’m too angry still. He wants to pick me up tomorrow for lunch.”

  “You’ll get through this.”

  “I was pissed last night thinking I just practically spent half a month’s salary buying this prick his Christmas present. I swear, I have such a strong urge to punch him.”

  “What did you get him?”

  “Plane tickets to Paris. He’s going to be leaving his job by the time I’m heading over for the Olympics assignment and I figured we could spend a long weekend together in Paris before I head off to Chamonix. I don’t really feel like strolling hand in hand along the banks of the Seine with him anymore, though.”

  She laughed and waved me off. “You’re just in for a few crappy days and then I predict things will be back to normal. Really, Rene, this is a small bump in a long road.”

  “Thanks, Maureen.”

  I fell back into bed after another hot, long shower. My phone had a missed call and a text from Caleb:

  I really am sorry Rene. I love you.

  My instinct was to turn off my phone, shut him out, make him sweat it out. In an effort to be better, though, I wrote him back.

  See u tomorrow.

  I made a concerted effort not to replay images from last night in my head before I drifted off to sleep but it was too hard. I would love to say I felt a little better in the morning but I didn’t. I felt heartbroken.

  Caleb

  What a stupid, motherfucking dumb ass I was. I was hopeful that I hadn’t totally jacked things up but after the two rocky years we’d been through, I should have known better than to do even the slightest thing to chance this. Regret and self-directed anger coursed through me. I took a long, punishing run and then went straight to the gym after I left Rene’s place. I couldn’t sit still and maybe I thought I deserved to feel some physical pain in exchange for what I’d put her through. It helped and I was bone tired by the time I got home. After a shower I fell into bed.

  When I woke up, this cloak of sadness and tension blanketed me. I was wary of seeing her and desperate to see her at the same time. I decided I’d drive her down to the beach so we could take a walk and sort things out.

  When I picked her up she gave Bosco a warmer greeting than she gave me. That was ok—I didn’t expect things to be back to normal. I took her hand and thanked her for letting me take her out. She gently pulled her hand back and placed it in her lap as I pulled away from the curb. The ride to the beach was quick, thankfully, because the conversation was not flowing. Rene basically looked out the passenger side window the entire time.

  Rene took the dog and headed straight for the beach. I followed her down after I went into the house to turn the thermostat higher. When I got to the top of the beach I stopped to look at her for a minute. It was fairly warm for December so she was just wearing a chunky knit sweater and jeans. She was beautiful and my heart ached looking at her. She was throwing a tennis ball to the dog and smiling as he raced after it. You could even see from a distance, though, that the smile wasn’t reaching her eyes. What have I done?

  I came up behind Rene and wrapped my arms around her; I could feel her stiffen. I didn’t know what to say so I kept quiet. She reached up to wipe away a tear. “Don’t ever do that to me again, Caleb.”

  I squeezed her tighter and kissed her head. “I won’t, Rene. I promise you that.”

  She didn’t look at me but turned and buried her head into my chest and hugged me back. I was so grateful for her forgiveness. I knew it had taken a lot for her not to just cut and run.

  We walked along the beach for a long while and then eventually headed back into the city. I wanted her to stay at my place that night but I didn’t push it. It was still a raw between us and I knew it was going to be a while before things felt normal again.

  Sunday, after I dropped her off, I was alone, just me and my thoughts. I called Rene twice. Although she answered and we talked, it was strained. I hated the distance that I’d created and the
idea of not having her full trust anymore burned. I imagined, as she’d asked, what it would feel like to walk in on her, seeing her looking up into someone’s eyes the way she looked at me. The thought of it, the thought of her pressed up against someone else that she seemed to have cared about at one time, made me nauseated. And I couldn’t help but replay something Rene had said to me on the beach. She told me that in the moment, hurt and devastated, she’d wanted to sleep with someone else, anyone else. She wanted to hurt me back. God help me if she’d done it. Just thinking about that led to a matching hole in the sheetrock, this time in my bedroom.

  Cherry approached me that Monday morning, asking if everything was all right. I could feel eyes on us. I just gave her a curt response, not rude, but one that made it clear that I wasn’t about to be discussing Rene with her.

  Finn came over and apologized at some point during the day. He hadn’t done anything wrong really, it’s just that I knew the way he’d always looked at Rene and I sensed he’d gotten some pleasure out of the whole episode. I told him we were all good but truthfully, I’d lost my love for the guy a while ago. I didn’t want to leave with any bad blood but Finn and I wouldn’t be hanging out or meeting for drinks in the future—ever.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Rene

  Christmas was only a few days away. I was totally in the spirit this year probably because I had a place to live that was my very own and also because I had family to spend the holiday with for the first time in, really, my entire life.

  Darcy and I went shopping for Tom and Caleb together. I didn’t tell her about our latest drama. She and I were close like sisters but she would always be his sister, so some topics would always be off limits. I’d had a few weeks to—almost—fully get over what had happened with Caleb. I knew he loved me. I was not completely over it but I was getting there.

  Caleb and I shopped for his parents together and for the babies, which was really fun. It was my first time shopping for someone in a toy store and we really got into picking things out for James and Rebecca.

  Christmas at the Donovan’s was like something out of a storybook. Every square foot of the house was decorated, it was like a two-week long open house for friends and family and the place just radiated holiday warmth. On Christmas Eve, though, it was just the immediate family. Caleb seemed so happy walking up the stairs to the brownstone. “What are you smiling about?”

  He kissed my hand. “Last year I told my father, without naming you, that I hoped you would be here with me next Christmas Eve…and here you are.”

  There were moments that night that I felt overwhelmed with emotion. Looking around the room at people laughing, picking up the babies, people sitting and holding hands, I thought to myself, so this is what it was supposed to be like? I wasn’t feeling sorry for myself, just in awe of how great this was and how happy I was that this family was now a part of my life. Caleb pulled me into his lap on the couch. No one in this family was embarrassed by intimacy. They all hugged, held each other and kissed like it was the most natural thing in the world.

  As we sat together after dinner, everyone got one present from Mr. and Mrs. Donovan and my eyes watered when I realized they had included me, as if I was one of their own. Sarah had picked out a beautiful cashmere wrap for me and they also gave me a camera, they explained, so that I could capture my first trip to the Olympics.

  All of the Donovan kids spent Christmas Eve here and were then going to their significant others’ family for Christmas Day. Darcy and Tom were heading back up to Connecticut later tonight with James and Luke and Kate would be with her family tomorrow. I joked with Sarah while we gathered the dishes that she was stuck with us again tomorrow. Everyone knew I had no family to speak of. She laughed and hugged me tight. “We are happy to be stuck with you!”

  She then told me that she didn’t have much family growing up either. She was raised by her grandmother who passed when she was in her early twenties. She mused that’s why she was probably drawn to this family. She told me how Caleb’s mother was so wonderful to her, sensing that Sarah needed them. Sarah joked that there were times Rebecca asked her to babysit but never even left the house and then just had her stay for dinner after, stay for a movie, just let her hang around. She wiped a tear away. “When Rebecca died so suddenly, it was awful. I just wanted to do anything I could to make the children happy again.” She smiled wistfully and after a minute of silence said, “You know, I have never seen Caleb this happy.”

  “I feel like he was made for me.”

  She smiled. “That’s true love.”

  Caleb woke me on Christmas morning with a cup of coffee and a small, beautifully wrapped box attached to a slightly larger box underneath. “Merry Christmas, sweet Rene.”

  “I’ll be back in one second.”

  After a quick trip to the bathroom to rid myself of sleep breath, I jumped back on the bed. I was as excited as a five-year-old on Christmas Day. “Okay, I’m ready.”

  I opened the small box. It held an old, battered looking key. I must have looked confused because he said, “You have to open the other one for that to make sense.”

  The other box had a picture of a house. I stared at it for a minute because it looked familiar but I couldn’t place it. Then it hit me. “You bought the house across from your parents’ place at the beach?”

  “Merry Christmas!”

  “You got us a house? What? Caleb, when did you do this?”

  “That day we were on the beach a couple of weeks ago.” He paused and I could see pain seep into his expression at the memory before he shook it off. “Anyway, when we were leaving you said how you loved it there and how lucky I was to have spent my summers there as a kid. Well, the next day my dad calls and tells me Mr. Baum, the old man who owned the bungalow but had spent like the last twenty years in Boca, had died. I hate to admit what a dirt bag I am at heart but I wasn’t really feeling much in the way of sympathy and condolences…I was straight to asking for contact information for the son so I could get my hands on it for us.”

  His hands on it for us.

  For us.

  I choked up a little but then laughed. “You call that a bungalow? In my world, that’s a house!”

  He noticed my initial reaction and I think he mistook it for something else. He tilted my chin up towards him. “Hey, I hope I didn’t freak you out. It’s not like I’m getting this house so you’re trapped with me.” He laughed. “Well maybe I am. But I want this house for us, for us to spend summers in and someday our family.”

  “You’re a big ‘someday’ guy. And no, you didn’t freak me out. I like when you refer to me and you as us.”

  I crawled into his lap then and hugged him. “Thank you. That’s going to be hard to top, Donovan. I hope you’re not disappointed when you open your gift. I only got you a yacht.”

  “Don’t thank me yet. You might not be so thrilled when you see inside of the place. Mr. Baum had a thing for dark, jewel-toned, faux velvet wallpaper.”

  I jumped up then and got my gifts for Caleb. I got him new running sneakers, a cashmere sweater and the last two boxes that had his real gift. He opened the first, which held a black beret. “I like it. I might look a little fruity in it but I like it.”

  “Open the other one, you goof.”

  He smiled wide when he saw the plane tickets to Paris and gave me a tight hug. “A trip to the most romantic city in the world with the love of my life? Thank you, Beaumont, I can’t wait.”

  “I figured we can spend a few days there together before I’m entrenched with work.”

  “It’s going to be great. And like I said, I really don’t want to be there during the Olympics, Rene. You need to be focused on what you’re doing and I don’t want to be a distraction. It will be better for you if I’m home.”

  “I know. I think I’m going to be working eighteen-hour days. I would feel terrible if you were there and I couldn’t spend time with you.”

  “What day do you officially start?�
��

  “Well, you head back on the twenty-first, the same day Meredith flies in. She said we’re doing two days of pre, pre-production but I think she really just wants to shop. And then we head to the Olympics site on the twenty-third.”

  “You’re going to learn a lot. It’s going to be a great experience.”

  “I think so too. I hate the idea of being away from you for a month but I know you’re going to be really busy anyway.”

  “Mick found a space that’s he says is great. I have to go check it out next week. Yeah, the month of February is going to be kind of crazy.” He shook his head and then smiled. “The next year or two is going to be crazy.”

  “Can we head down to the beach tomorrow? I want to check the house out.”

  “Definitely. I already have my parents watching Rebecca so Luke and Kate can take a look at it. I mean, brace yourself. It’s kind of nasty inside, Rene.”

  “I like a challenge.”

  Caleb was right, it was in need of some TLC but when Luke and Kate were done with their walk-through, they were drawing up a total re-hab, gutting it to the studs and adding a second floor. Caleb looked to me and then to them. “I don’t know about what Rene wants—”

  I cut in, “But I think we should keep it simple for now.”

  Caleb nodded. “Yeah, I was thinking new kitchen, bathrooms and just paint. The floors are in great condition, right?”

  Luke laughed. “We can’t help ourselves. The place does have good bones and you don’t have structural concerns. You don’t really need to do anything beyond cosmetic stuff.”

  Caleb looked at me and smiled.

  Home.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Caleb

  I’ve always loved Paris. Being there with Rene, though, was so much more special. Hearing her flit back and forth between English with me and French otherwise was…hot. Here was this beauty, leading me around the city like it was her own, taking charge. It made me laugh watching how waiters fell all over her and took pleasure in engaging her in prolonged conversations in front of her uncultured, American boyfriend.