The Secret of Fatima

by Tanous, Peter J;

  Kevin stared at it for a few moments, beaming. “Thanks, Katie. How kind of you.”

  And then he thought the irony of this gesture was that on this special evening, at least, it was Katie who was taking things too seriously.

  “The real reason for this early birthday gift is that you’re a serious guy, Kevin. And I want this silly watch to be a constant reminder to you that there are many ways to see things in life. Now get on with our dinner. I’m famished.”

  “This is absolutely divine,” Katie said, heaping what she realized was an unladylike portion of the linguini onto her plate. “I’m impressed, Kevin. You can cook.”

  “There’s tiramisu for dessert.”

  “What? You made that?”

  “It’s tempting to say, yes, of course I did, which would lead me to chastise you, my darling, for leading me into temptation!” Reaching for the garlic bread, Kevin hoped she wouldn’t take umbrage. He was tempted to go on about the temptations in our daily lives, his sermon in the studio—but he stopped himself. He was pleased with himself for steering past disaster and catching himself. He’d already said enough. He’d softened the mood and calmed the beast. “No, bought it from a little bakery down the street.”

  “I’m sure I’ll love it,” she said, laughing.

  Kevin opened the second Chianti. She accepted it gladly. Not wanting the night to end, Kevin said, “How about watching a movie with me?”

  “Sure,” she said. “What is it?”

  “A Man and a Woman. It’s a French film by Claude LeLouche. It’s romantic with beautiful scenes of Normandy. Music by Francis Lai. I think you’ll like it.”

  “Didn’t it win a Palme d’Or at the Cannes Film Festival, way back when?” she asked.

  “You know it?” Kevin was surprised. The film was released in 1966. Not many remember it.

  “I’m a film buff,” Katie said. “For a second, I thought you’d produce the likes of the more subtle Casablanca.”

  Kevin smiled. “Lucky I didn’t. I could have. Then you’ve seen A Man and a Woman?”

  “No, but I’ve always been meaning to,” she said.

  “Awesome,” he said. Kevin refilled their wineglasses and started the DVD. Katie gently kicked off her heels, folding one leg beneath her, patting the seat beside her. Kevin sat down, kicking off his shoes as well.

  Nursing the wine, watching the movie, they quipped back and forth, commenting on this scene and that, enjoying themselves. During a romantic moment, Katie’s eyes filled with tears. Kevin put his arm around her. She didn’t resist, and snuggled closer, her head nestled on his shoulder.

  Finally emboldened, Kevin leaned over and kissed her, tentatively at first, then passionately. As his hand moved up her back, Katie sat up. Taking a deep breath, she laid a tender hand on Kevin’s face.

  “Well, Kevin, it seems we’ve hit a crossroads. It’s no longer about temptation. Now it’s about brushing temptation aside. Mortal Sin, anyone?”

  He looked at her quizzically, loosening his grip, as if to say: I don’t get it.

  “I think you know.” She stood up. “Let me make this easy for both of us. Yes, I care about you, and yes, I’m dead set on staying over tonight.”

  Kevin smiled. Katie turned to him and gracefully stepped out of her dress. It wasn’t long before they moved, in a lingering embrace, from the sofa to his bed in the corner of the room. Soon thereafter this spot would become their regular soul sanctuary. After this sensual evening, there were more to follow, nights of making love to the steady beat of French drums. Bolero, anyone?

  The next morning, before Katie escaped to her apartment to change for class, they toasted ceremoniously with orange juice to the end of their celibacy and the beginning of their newfangled, sentient friendship. Kevin loved her and knew, without a doubt, she loved him. Still, he wasn’t quite ready to go the distance with her.

  After a romantic period, Kevin and Katie went their separate ways. Kevin joined the army to fulfill his ROTC obligation. When possible, he and Katie saw each other. She continued with her studies and soon leveraged her way to become an attorney in Washington, D.C.

  After leaving the army under questionable circumstances, Kevin consulted with the CIA in Washington. He and Katie were living in the same city and started to see each other, resuming the close relationship they had begun in college. After a few months of dating and commuting between their respective apartments, Katie casually suggested they live together. Kevin hesitated. Something powerful and mysterious was burning and growing inside him. A calling. A life path. He dreaded telling Katie about it. Telling her, saying it out loud, would finalize his resolution. He wasn’t ready. She wouldn’t get it. What woman would? And then without knowing exactly when it happened, one day a decision was made.

  One afternoon Katie and Kevin met in a café on 36th Street in Georgetown, just blocks from campus. The sky was filled with dark rain clouds. Outside it looked dreary, sunless, solemn. Kevin was the first to arrive and was fidgeting with his cup of coffee. When she joined him, his eyes avoided hers. If he looked at her, he’d lose the nerve to speak his mind.

  “Katie, there’s something we should talk about,” he said, folding his hands and looking at his coffee.

  “OK,” she said, unconcerned, stirring her cappuccino. “What’s up, Kev?” Kevin knew his body language would give him away. He was nervous, wanted to get this over with.

  “You know how much I love you,” Kevin said.

  “Of course,” said Katie. Good Lord! Maybe he was going to propose. Her heart softened. She reached out, took one of his hands in hers. It felt cold. “Kevin, you know how much I love you, too. Right?”

  He nodded.

  “Something’s come between us. I … I’ve made a decision—about my career—that will change … how we relate.”

  “Is the CIA relocating you?” she asked. She would not let him leave without her! This was the perfect time to get married.

  “No, no … it’s nothing like that,” said Kevin. Withdrawing his hand, Katie noted that he wasn’t wearing the Mickey Mouse watch.

  “Is it … another woman?” chortled Katie.

  “What?” Kevin looked at her, surprised. “No, not another woman, nothing like that.”

  “Then, what?” asked Katie. Her eyes were dark and defiant. “If you have to move somewhere, I’ll come with you.”

  “No, Katie.… it’s not that.” How could he possibly tell her?

  “Look, we love each other. Circumstances necessitated we spend time apart in the last few years. But it doesn’t have to always be that way,” said Katie. “We can make this work. I don’t want us to be separated again—not now, Kevin. So no matter where you have to go—even if it’s to the moon—I’m ditching my job and coming with you!”

  Kevin squirmed in his seat. He had to tell her. “Katie, I … well … I’ve decided to move forward. To do it. To become a priest.”

  “Oh, my.” Katie dropped her cappuccino, spilling it on the table.

  “Look, this is tough,” Kevin said, trying to look her in the eyes, “and I know you can’t possibly understand what I’m feeling. This has been haunting me for over a year.”

  Katie’s mouth popped open, her eyes big. “I’m speechless … I … don’t know what to say.”

  “Remember the problems I had in the army?” Kevin said. “I won’t explain them now. What matters is that at the end of the whole fiasco, I was close to God. I took much comfort in Him. That’s how I got through it all, Katie. I talk to Him. He talks to me.”

  “What do you mean He talks to you? Do you hear voices? Are you crazy? Kevin, it’s the schizophrenics who hear voices!” Katie wiped away a tear, conscious that she was shrieking, her voice elevated.

  “Look, Katie, there’s lots of biblical cases of exactly this—beyond our rational understanding. It starts with true faith in God.” He took a breath, noticing the tears streaming down Katie’s cheeks. “Believe me, Katie. Or have you lost your faith? Remember Joan of
Arc? She heard voices and followed them.” He reached out to take her hand. But she winced, rolling away from him.

  “Joan of Arc?” Katie snapped. “Are you plagued with visions of burning at the stake, too? You sound delusional. Either that, or you’re cracking up.”

  Kevin shrugged. “Okay, if you must, call me delusional. But Katie, He is calling me to the priesthood. It’s my calling, Katie. The priesthood. Look, I fought it at first. Crazy idea. No way. But the more I fought it, the stronger it grew. I could hear Him telling me he wanted me in His service. And when I’ve looked at other options—you and me getting married—it wasn’t right. It receded into darkness, faded out of the picture. Disappeared. There’s nothing else for me.”

  Katie was inconsolable. “After all this time we’ve been together, you’re telling me this now?”

  Shaking his head, Kevin’s eyes dropped to the table. “In this past year, it’s only become more real for me. Honestly, I wish I could explain the power of this force. I hope you’ll believe me, trust me when I tell you it’s real.”

  “Kevin, there are other ways to serve God! Lots and lots of other ways. Are you just going to throw our love to the wind? I don’t understand how you could possibly think that’s what God wants?”

  Again, Kevin reached for her hand, but again she pulled away. “No, of course not. But our relationship, the one we now enjoy, will dissolve. We’ll still be friends. We love each other. Everyone needs love, Katie, even priests.”

  Holding her hands in the air, Katie was mocking him using finger quotation signs: “Just friends, right?”

  “C’mon, Katie, don’t take it that way.”

  “Don’t take it like what? Spurned? Jilted? Thrown out for the priesthood? At least if there were another woman I’d have a fighting chance. What’d you expect? Good God, it’d be easier if you told me you preferred boys!”

  “You don’t mean that, Katie,” Kevin said.

  “I’ve just one question for you, Kev,” said Katie, staring deep into his eyes. “Are you sure? Are you absolutely 100 percent sure this is what you want for the rest of your life?”

  Kevin couldn’t bear to look in her eyes. In them, he saw the pain and the hurt, and he knew he’d caused it. He looked away, nodding. “I’m sure, Katie. It’s been torturing me.”

  She bolted up. “Then, I don’t think there’s anything else to say. Good luck with your Jesus. I hope he keeps you warm at night.”

  Before Kevin could say good-bye, Katie already had snatched up her purse and stormed from the café. Visibly shaken, Kevin’s world was changing forever. He’d miss Katie. But this was something bigger than him. A power had possessed him. A decision, yes, but really not: there’d been no choice.

  Packing his suitcase, in his mind’s eye Kevin could see the hurt on Katie’s face. But they wouldn’t remain apart. One wish had come true for him: Over the years, they’d drifted back to each other, sometimes at first uncomfortably, but over time, their separation had become comfortable and familiar terrain. It’d even deepened their relationship. Well, maybe Katie wouldn’t get married, maybe she’d go on loving him, on his terms. Maybe no one would ever come between them.

  Often Kevin had tried to pinpoint when it was, exactly, that he’d made the fateful decision to serve God as a priest. Thinking about it, different scenes popped into his thoughts. He remembered studying about the concept of free will. God had created many different kinds of creatures on earth, but He gave free will only to one of them: man. Animals could be trained, but they couldn’t make decisions; they acted only on instinct. An animal wasn’t equipped to distinguish right from wrong. Animals were simple, followed their God-given instincts. Man, on the other hand, made choices. A great gift, but one that came with heavy responsibilities. In God’s eyes, we are accountable for the choices we make.

  Over time, Kevin knew he’d made some questionable choices. On active duty in the U.S. Army, he’d killed a man. He was following the orders of his army commanders, but had he the right to take a life? At the time, he’d thought he had, and that God was supporting him. But he was young. Following the army dictates seemed enough. Later, he realized there were other ways to see the issue. Others would question what he’d done.

  While on active duty, if he saw evil in a man, he’d go after him—even kill—with impunity. He had little or no guilt regarding his actions; felt no remorse. He often wondered why. He wasn’t sure. He was following orders.

  And then he’d think, Hey, Kevin, who are you, acting both as judge and jury? Well, no, he wasn’t the judge and jury. But some evils were self-evident. Case in point: the rapist of a young girl. In the army, he’d killed a man for raping a girl in Iraq. Later, he’d chastised himself. He’d come to terms with his God-given free will. He’d made a choice to kill the man. The peanut gallery talked about his having an anger management problem. Yeah, maybe.

  One day, in church attending Mass at Holy Trinity in Georgetown, he was in a pew directly in front of a statue of the Blessed Virgin Mary. She wore her standard blue robe and was holding the infant Jesus in her arms. Gazing at the statue, he was transfixed. Staring back at him, she morphed into flesh and blood, and he heard her message. Never had he shared this mystical occurrence with anyone. Who would believe it?

  Kevin awakened from a state of reverie to focus on the matter at hand. Getting ready to go to Rome, he decided to wear jeans and a black sweater on the plane. He wanted to be comfortable and not draw attention to himself. He packed his priestly garb and a civilian suit. He retrieved his passport from his desk, ensured his iPad had reading material, and packed the leather breviary his parents had given him upon his ordination. He was ready.

  Minutes later, Katie pulled up in her new red BMW convertible, a longtime temptation she’d weakened for, thanks to last year’s bonus at her law firm. She signaled her presence with two quick beeps. Kevin grabbed his bags, looked around the apartment one last time for anything he might have forgotten, locked the door, and went downstairs.

  Was this trip to Rome tied to his calling? Kevin had trained as a priest as thousands of other Jesuits had done. Yet he was unique. He was a priest who’d mastered the military skills of cold-blooded combat, expert marksmanship, espionage and deception, cool-headedness in the face of danger, and the ability to kill as necessary. Even with these unusual skills and training, at his core he was proud to serve God as priest, whether in a schoolyard, or in a fight for world order. It was complicated, this duality. As a priest, he practiced humility before God. As a soldier, well, the opposite. There were intrinsic conflicts. Now, as he rolled his suitcase behind him, he was reflecting on these irregularities, bouncing the suitcase down the stairs.

  “You bought this beauty with a stick shift instead of an automatic?” Kevin said, after climbing in. Pressing on the pedal, Katie zoomed onto the Beltway surrounding Washington. Along the horizon, the sun was setting in vivid reds and yellows.

  “I like to drive,” Katie answered without taking her eyes off the road. Having just come from the office, she was wearing a tailored navy blue Armani suit. Her hair fell in curls on her shoulders. He liked it that way. Often, she wore it tied back off her face. Either way, his appreciation of her beauty intensified when he hadn’t seen her in a while. Otherwise, he accepted her, loved her, thought of her as a part of himself.

  “So how long, Kevin?” Katie asked.

  “Not sure. I think I might be there for some time.”

  Katie shook her head. “What about your job, your apartment, your life, your friends?”

  Kevin shrugged. “The job will wait. The church takes care of my apartment, as you know. And my thousands of friends will just have to get along without me.” He looked over at her and smiled. “You know you’re my one and only real friend.”

  Katie didn’t let her composure slip. “Yeah, right.” There was sarcasm in her voice. “And you don’t know why they picked you?” She veered the car off the Beltway and onto the access road leading to Dulles Airport in Vir
ginia.

  “They didn’t tell me much, except that they need a wolf dressed as a lamb. Obviously, it has to do with my background in the army and CIA.”

  “Do they know about …?” Katie abruptly abandoned the question and went silent.

  “The trial?” Kevin obliged. “Apparently so—and they still picked me.”

  “I’ve got to take some depositions in Brussels next month on an international trade case,” she said. “Want me to come back via Rome?”

  “You’d do that?”

  “Sure,” she said. “Why not? Hey, I’m not the one who joined the priesthood.”

  Kevin smiled at her. “Just as long as you don’t expect me to put you up.”

  Katie smiled back. “What? Priests can’t put up their friends? There’s no rule against it that I know of.”

  “Yeah, it’d really look great to the Vatican if they knew Aphrodite was staying with me,” Kevin said.

  “A girl can always dream.”

  “A man can always dream.”

  Katie pulled onto the access ramp of the multilevel Dulles Terminal, stopping in front of United’s check-in. As Kevin removed his bags from the trunk, she got out of the car and stood by him. A breeze was lifting her curls and she was wearing the same perfume she’d worn on that first night they made love so long ago. The scent … and the memory … was electrifying.

  Kevin’s attention was diverted by the figure of Monsignor Drotti standing on a curb nearby. Kevin thought about introducing Katie, then thought better of it. No need for stimulating curiosity.

  “Thanks for the ride, Katie,” Kevin said. “I’ll be in touch.” He hugged her and their eyes locked, exchanging more than words.

  Watching her getting back into the Beemer and gracefully folding her legs inside, Kevin’s feelings of virility resurfaced. The priesthood never could cloud these moments.

  She waved and sped off, leaving Kevin standing tall, his forbidden fantasies and his belongings beside him on a curb.

  Spotting him, Drotti wasted no time coming over. “I’ve checked in already,” he said. He, too, was wearing non-clerical garb, slacks and a sports jacket.