Unnatural Tales Of The Jackalope

by Jeff Strand

  Sagacious did not appreciate the word ″little.″ He stood four feet eight inches, after all; a rather large size for a Jackalope.

  He spat back at the athletically strong man, looked right down the barrel of Reagan′s rifle, squinted his eyes, scrunched up his nose, and made the scariest face possible. He shrieked as loud as he could: ″I am Sagacious! Who...are...you?″

  Silence filled the timberland as their eyes locked. Then suddenly, for no apparent reason at all, they simultaneously burst into boisterous, gut-wrenching laughter. Reagan couldn′t believe he had actually come across a Jackalope — a legendary figure he′d only heard of through children′s fairytales.

  Surprised, Reagan said, ″I didn′t know Jackalope′s were real, or could talk!″

  Sagacious stepped up on a nearby boulder so he could look Reagan straight in the eye on his six foot, one inch frame, and spouted proudly, ″My family and I have been in this country for over four hundred years. Of course we exist!″

  They laughed, and from that moment on, Ronald Reagan and Sagacious Amerigo Vespucci became the closest friends that ever were.

  In 1974, Reagan named his ranch after his long lasting, deep endearing friendship. 'Rancho Del Cielo' he called it, meaning Heaven′s Ranch. He believed his dear friend Sagacious was, indeed, an angel from heaven brought down by God to watch over and guide him. Ronald often told people: ″There are no accidents in this Universe.″ He always made sure his auspicious friend was nearby, although most people never realized it.

  One of their favorite tricks was for Sagacious to crawl up into a hole they had cut out on top of Reagan′s Oval Office wall and stick his head out, freezing his face when people walked in, as if he were taxidermy mounted on the wall. Reagan would claim to visitors that he had, ″hunted and caught the Jackalope himself.″

  Every single time, without fail, he and Sagacious chuckled over the prank for hours after every one left.

  The trick never got old.

  Reagan often tried to do mischievous things to make Sagacious twitch, sneeze or move in some way when visitors were present.

  One time, he took a sugary, pink jellybean from his mouth and threw the sticky oblong shaped candy at Sagacious, watching it land in his ear. Sagacious kept his face as stiff as stone, determined to remain expressionless. Reagan marveled at his friend′s extraordinary determination, willpower and discipline.

  He quickly copied his old friend, mastering the art of how to keep his own facial expressions controlled, especially when under intense presidential scrutiny. Being a Hollywood actor years before, Reagan found it quite easy to mimic his friend. In fact, he often said, ″How can a president not be an actor?″ Only he and Sagacious got the true meaning of his joke. Ronald and Sagacious shared a mischievous twin-like twinkle in their eyes and smiled.

  * * *

  Ronald Reagan would be the first to admit Sagacious was single-handedly responsible for his becoming the 40th and 41st President Of The United States Of America. He told people: ″I never make a move without consulting my Oval Office Jackalope.″ People always laughed politely, thinking Reagan a bit odd and not quite understanding the joke. The truth was, it wasn′t a joke. Reagan honestly never made a move with out the advice of his treasured undercover friend. Sagacious was his true ally, confidant and Reagan′s secret weapon against atrocities in the world. In knowing firsthand America′s history, Sagacious had a sixth sense as to what America needed and the direction it should go.

  * * *

  Sagacious was born in The United States of America in 1490 before the continent was 'discovered′ in 1492 by Christopher Columbus. Alone and shivering underneath a rock, a Spanish explorer of Italian descent named Amerigo Vespucci discovered the soft, small, frail creature, who had a badly injured back paw, only steps away from where his ship, the San Antiago, had landed. He spotted a scarlet trail on the sand. Amerigo followed the path of dried blood through the thicket and came upon Sagacious. His fuzzy, tiny paw had been cut by a blunt object and was bleeding profusely.

  Picking up the delicate Jackalope, whose antlers had just barely begun to pop up from his forehead, Amerigo cleaned the wound with an opened bottle of sherry and wrapped the injured paw with a tan colored piece of fabric, which dangled from his belt.

  Amerigo knew the small creature′s wound must have hurt intensely when he poured the alcohol on it, but the brave little Jackalope never once flinched or even batted an eye. Amerigo looked into the frail young Jackalope′s stoic coal-colored eyes and said, ″Here I am. I′m not in Asia, but in a New World. Here I discover a new being.″ He thought for a moment and said, ″Because your eyes hold so much knowledge and courage in them, I′m going to name you 'Sagacious,′ which means, 'wise′.″

  He grinned through his grease-covered face. ″You remind me of a small version of myself, so I think I′ll add Amerigo Vespucci to complete it. Yes. Sagacious Amerigo Vespucci it is! How do you like the sound of that, fearless one?″

  Hearing his shipmates approaching, Amerigo stashed Sagacious into a scratchy brown burlap sack he had tied to his belt with a rope, hiding the small, injured creature. He feared the hungry sailors might discover Sagacious and wish to cook and eat him for dinner, even though he was a petite critter, and barely just a bite sized morsel.

  Amerigo whispered, ″You never know what this crazy crew may do if they find you. You will be safe here — just don′t make a sound.″ Looking around, he spoke quickly, ″I will get you some food and water after they′ve all fallen asleep.″ Amerigo was happy to oblige, since he had scarcely lost his life and his entire family to a couple of large feathered creatures bearing razor-sharp claws and enormous wings. The raptors had swooped down from out of the blue, and one by one, abruptly abducted each or his family members, as they scattered in vain to safety. Thanks to the quick thinking of his dearly departed mamma, who quickly wrapped the stunned newborn in leaves and hid him under a huge boulder, he had been sparred. The memory of her body being flung through the air as she was ripped from the side of the boulder, right in front of his innocent eyes, was seared into his memory forever. Amerigo had solely survived the sea eagle attack. Rather than become immersed in his immeasurable sadness, he chose to focus on the next 2,800-3,000 years of living that he had left to do. From that moment on, he made a decision to never waste a moment, as a tribute to his fallen family, who had unexpectedly lost that opportunity.

  * * *

  Amerigo′s 'large wooden ship vessel,′ the San Antiago, had landed not far from where he encountered Sagacious, on unclaimed land that was later recognized by another Spanish Explorer, Christopher Columbus, and was curiously named America.

  Once the men were fast asleep and snoring loudly, he snuck food and water to Sagacious and told him stories underneath the stars, about his land, family and a variety of adventures he had experienced. Over time, Sagacious completely healed from his injuries and Amerigo released him back into the dense forest foliage. When it was time for Amerigo to leave, it was an emotional farewell. Their happenstance meeting had turned into a life long friendship of mutual respect and adoration. Amerigo swore he would do 'everything in his power′ to come back and visit, since taking Sagacious back with him was out of the question, as it was too dangerous. And so began Sagacious′s wait for Amerigo′s return. Night after long night, he anticipated and longed for the arrival of his dear, treasured friend.

  One day, not long after Amerigo left, Sagacious saw three ships sailing ashore. Excited, he thought it must be Amerigo, but his enthusiasm soon turned to terror. When he saw a stout middle-aged man, responding to the name of Christopher Columbus, Sagacious high-tailed it into the bushes, but not before being fired upon by long sticks that sounded like the ocean beating the rocks.

  Barely escaping gunfire aimed his way, Sagacious realized he had made a grave mistake. He peered from the safety of the forest and read the names on the three ships: ″Santa Maria,″ the ″Pinta,″ and the ″Nina.″ Amerigo chose to stay completely out of sight
until Columbus left the island. At night, he hid nearby, listening to the tales and journeys of the men from the ships, learning about life around the world. Eventually, the men packed up and left the island, leaving Sagacious behind with new ideas, expanded knowledge, and new languages in his head.

  For years after Columbus, whenever a ship appeared on the waterscape, Sagacious would hop to the highest point near the shore, desperately hoping to see the return Amerigo, the human who had saved his life and become a great friend. Unfortunately, the two never crossed paths again, and this made Sagacious a very sensitive and heartbroken Jackalope.

  * * *

  Over the years, decades and centuries, Sagacious saw millions of people come and go. He survived many unpredictable, delightful, devastating and dangerous events such as the Pilgrims landing, Native peoples being murdered for land, settlers being scalped by Native peoples, The Battle Of Baltimore in 1814, the Battle of New Orleans in 1815, the Great Depression, the Lincoln assassination, the John F. Kennedy assassination, the rise and fall of Elvis, the Boston Tea Party, the rise of the Beatles, the invention of the light bulb, the invention of electricity, the introduction of rag time music, the death of Marilyn Monroe(his personal favorite human of the female kind), the introduction of the Blues, Rock n′ Roll, Rap, Hip Hop(his particular favorite), the signing of The Declaration Of Independence, and a legion of other memories filled his brilliant, massive mind.

  Sagacious held on to one keepsake from every century. One of his favorite mementos was a picture drawn by President Lincoln′s son Thomas ″Tad″ Lincoln - a portrait of the Jackalope, which Tad had drawn at the age of six. Sagacious had it framed and hung proudly over his bed so he could remember his young friend. Another favorite keepsake was a hand written rough draft of the first inaugural address written by George Washington. Sometimes Sagacious would recite his own experiences and memories back to himself to pass the time away and revel in the happy memories. His brain could spit out dates, times, places and names in the blink of an eye, at any moment, in an instant. He had become quite the authority on the history of America for all those who knew him.

  Which brings us back to Reagan. It was from the retention of all these important recollections that Sagacious gained the respect and heavy dependence of the 1980-1988 President. Ronald Reagan relied on Sagacious for important historical facts, always commenting, ″I will trust, but verify.″

  Whenever there was a major decision to be made or a crisis arising, Reagan consulted Sagacious first. He knew that Sagacious was the first true American, human or not, and Sagacious was revered for that. Reagan once told the country, ″We will always remember. We will always be proud. We will always be prepared, so we will always be free.″ This made Sagacious proud to be an American contributor and an American. Reagan credited his partner for some of the famous quotes from speeches they wrote together. ″Mr. Gorbachev? Tear down this wall!″

  ″Of the four wars in my lifetime, none came about because the U.S. was too strong,″

  ″While I take inspiration from the past, like most Americans, I live in the future,″ and Sagacious′s personal favorite, ″You can tell a lot about a fellow′s character by his way of eating jellybeans.″ Reagan and Sagacious liked to eat their jellybeans the same, depending on their mood. Sometimes they would suck on their jellybeans, all the way down to a tiny piece before swallowing and other times they would chew on them, then have to scrape the inside of their gums with their fingers and wait for the jellybeans to dissolve from the tops of their teeth.

  * * *

  After 1988, Ronald Reagan, along with Sagacious and his wife Nancy, retired together to the ranch where Ronald and he had first met. They bounced between the widespread farm and the wealthy enclave of Bel Air, where the Reagan′s had an additional home. Sagacious helped the Reagan′s organize Ronald′s memories and co-supervised the creation of the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library in Simi Valley, California.

  They worked tirelessly for six years planning the details of the library before Ronald was diagnosed with Alzheimer′s disease — a type of dementia in which parts of the brain that control language, thought and memory slowly deteriorate.

  Sagacious helped his compassionate, forthcoming friend write his final speech to the American public which he addressed the nation on November 5, 1994.

  The announcement began, ″My Fellow Americans. I have recently been told that I am one of the Americans who will be afflicted with Alzheimer′s disease.″ Ending on a final note, which touched millions of empathetic hearts, he eloquently explained: ″I now begin the journey that will lead me into the final sunset of my life. I know that for America there will always be a bright dawn ahead. Thank you, my friends. May God always bless you. Sincerely, Ronald Reagan.″

  As Reagan rapidly deteriorated, Sagacious recited historical facts and funny memories to Ronald in the morning and in the late afternoons. It broke his heart as his closest friend in over four hundred years no longer knew who he was. Nancy Reagan and Sagacious leaned on each other for support during this horrific ten-year period before Ronald Reagan′s death on June 5th, 2004. He was accorded a state funeral, which meant that leaders from all around the world, both Republicans and Democrats and millions of American citizens could pay their respects. He was buried on the grounds of the Reagan Presidential Library. Nancy Reagan arrived early and placed Sagacious on the grounds before the memorial began, so he could be part of it. It was the toughest job Sagacious ever had to do — keep an expressionless face while his dear friend was remembered and put to rest. At one point, he felt a tear trickle down his cheek. He hoped no one noticed it. Luckily no one ever did.

  After Reagan left the United States Presidential Office all hell broke loose. Patriotism and hope declined. Terrorism and war were threatened and eventually declared on America, which drove the United States into financial ruin. By the beginning of the following century, the State of the Union′s future was looking glum.

  Action needed to be taken, so Nancy Reagan decided to step in and make a decision which didn′t go over too well in the beginning over at the White House. Nancy Reagan took a leap of faith and introduced Amerigo to President George W. Bush. You see, things seemed to be going rather smoothly when George Bush took the presidential office after Reagan, for that one term, followed by Bill Clinton for two more terms. But somewhere during that twelve year period after Reagan′s reign, all of the policies which kept the country glued together — all of the hard work Sagacious and Reagan had put into place began to unravel.

  By the time George W. Bush came into office, the situation was quite dire, then a few months later 9/11 put the nation to the fire, which pushed Nancy over the edge, so she took Sagacious back to the White house, marched right on into the Oval Office and said, ″George, I want you to meet Ronnie′s secret weapon which helped him in the White House for all those years, and will once again, save this country now. George, I introduce to you, Sagacious.″

  As George W. Bush looked at the Jackalope (who had his body and face still frozen, waiting for it to be safe to unfreeze), started to chuckle, saying under his breath, ″I think Ronald ate one too many of those jellybeans in his time.″

  At this point, Sagacious couldn′t listen to the rhetoric and balderdash any longer. He yelled right in George W.′s face, ″He never ate too many jellybeans!! How dare you mock my friend who was the best man and president that ever was!″ George W. fell back in surprise as Sagacious got within two inches of his face and screamed again, ″You should be so lucky to ever be as great as Ronald Reagan!″ Completely taken aback, George W. stuttered, fumbling for the right words, of which he never found. He chuckled with embarrassment then shrugged it off, stating, ″Well if you were good enough for Ronald Reagan, then you′re good enough for me! Tell me your plan.″

  * * *

  The rest is history. Instead of being hidden away, Sagacious became a well-kept secret inside the White House, sitting high up in the ranks as a permanent residence, with his own
secure office and secret entrance adjoining the Oval Office. After all, the United States realized they would be nothing without him. Every President since Ronald Reagan and George W. Bush lived by Sagacious′s council, and as long as nothing happened to him, each President followed suit.

  After working so many years on the improvement of the human race, and after President Barack Obama′s groundbreaking and controversial ″outing″ of the Jackalope species in 2012, stating he ″understood″ what it felt like to be ″misunderstood″ and not ″believed in,″ Obama explained that ″Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we′ve been waiting for. We are the change we seek and with Sagacious Amerigo Vespucci by our side, we shall overcome.″ President Obama made important groundwork by publicly acknowledging Jackalopes with a the Bill granting them Rights equal to those of the human race. Many years later, Sagacious added an additional personal goal: to help make the Jackalones have hope again.

  * * *

  So here in the year 2200, the world is still in the process of rebuilding, with the Jackalone′s and Sagacious the Jackalope at the forefront. Only time will tell if Sagacious can once again build the country back up, and this time, maybe heal his own species in the process.

  Standing in front of millions, Sagacious looked up into the sky and quoted his jellybean eating friend, Ronald Reagan, to instill hope for the world.

  ″I know in my heart that man is good, that what is right will always eventually triumph and there′s purpose and worth to each and every life.″ Looking at the crowd of Jackalopes, Jackalones and humans, he continued, ″If you′re afraid of the future, then get out of the way, stand aside. The people of this country are ready to move again!″