In Memory

by CJ Lyons

  102 Days, 17 November, Monday

  I still keep thinking about that terrifying dream I had earlier in the weekend. It jumped back into my mind in Math today, as soon as I saw Noah.

  It wasn’t him in that dream, it was someone else, this much I know for sure. The vibe I got off his doppelganger was very different.

  At lunch today, I asked him about it.

  “Hey, do you have a twin?”

  So forward of me, oh well.

  He paused, and looked at me critically. “I do not. Why do you ask?”

  “Ah, well, it’s kinda weird…”

  “I assure you, there are few things that will ‘weird me out’.”

  Love how he’s trying out new phrases.

  “Well, I had this weird dream, where you- well someone who looked a lot like you, they were in it… and uh-”

  Wasn’t sure if I should disclose the whole thing. Where the dream reflection wanted to be him.

  “Did this person have a name?”

  “He… he said he was you. But I know that it wasn’t. He felt wrong.”

  “I do not remember seeing you in any dreams I have had lately. Therefore I do not believe it was me.”

  “Huh? You’d know?”

  “I frequently experience what is known as Lucid Dreaming, in which a person acts just as they would in the waking world, but they are currently within a dream. I remember every moment of my dreams, and I do not recall seeing you on Friday night.”

  The afternoon was relatively boring; we started a new topic in English, but I still couldn’t focus.

  I’m gonna assume it was just a really strange dream, and that it didn’t mean a lot. Wait, I never mentioned which night I had the dream. And he knew. What? How did he-?

  I’m so confused now.

  101 Days, 18 November, Tuesday

  Today, I observed that out of Noah’s nearly perfect smile, he has one tooth that is very crooked. It’s a little more inset than the others, and is on the bottom row, so I didn’t notice it at first.

  This seems like a bizarre observation and perhaps it is, but it seemed worth noting for some reason.

  Undoubtedly, should I ask him about it, he would tell me it was from being punched or something horrible like that, so I just didn’t ask. Don’t want to know about his abuse if I can help it.

  Don’t get me wrong, if he is hurt, I do want to know so I can help him, but… I just want his conversations to be carefree and fun, and not have anything to do with his pain.

  He always gets that serious look on his face when I ask him questions about his injuries. Don’t like that look, it’s the look he gives people he doesn’t know.

  I want him to smile around me, even if when he does I see that crooked tooth.

  It’s almost symbolic, like a representation of all those years of abuse wrecking his otherwise genuine happiness.

  This would all be so much more elegant if I was a poet. I can never seem to grasp the perfect words.

  100 Days, 19 November, Wednesday

  Here we are, a landmark day. 100 more days until I die.

  Guess the significant thing about today was that I had another freaky dream last night.

  That doppelganger was in it. He was sitting in the classroom, and had his head on a desk.

  He was crying, I could hear him. It was soft in the silence that surrounded, disturbing the eerie quiet.

  Didn’t know whether or not to approach him, so I kept my distance, waiting for him to move or acknowledge me.

  He got up eventually, wiping his face with his sleeve. He trudged over to the door, and tried the knob.

  It resisted, and then glowed hot. Gasping, he pulled his hand away, hissing at the pain. This reaction was followed quickly by one of anger.

  “Why?! I want to leave this place!!! Let me die!! Why won’t you just die? I am so tired of this!” He started sobbing his words out, pounding on the door. “Let me out! Please! I cannot do this anymore! You have him! What do I have?! This room! Nothing! All I have is nothing!”

  Swallowed, the word ‘nothing’ always means more to me.

  “I want out… Let me out…” he cried, falling to his knees with his fists on the door. He hit it feebly, trembling. “It is not fair.”

  Couldn’t let him just be alone like that. I needed to find out what the hell was going on with him. Who he was, and why he looked so much like Noah.

  He heard me coming, and slowly turned his head to look at me. There was hardly any reaction, save for a slight tweak of his eyebrows. He turned back, bowing his head.

  “What are you doing here again?” he sniffed, wiping his eyes. “I do not want you. I told you before. You are wrong.”

  “Can I- can I help you?”

  Think I made him more upset when I said that, because he just burst into tears. “No! You cannot. There is nothing you can do for me, because you are paired with him. You should not even know me.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “I am a freak, an anomaly. There is no reason for me to exist.”

  “Well, you’re here. And we’re speaking, right? Isn’t that a reason?”

  “You will only leave me, I would rather not even know you if you are going to leave me alone.” He said, his voice a bit muffled.

  “I’m trying. I’m trying to live. I don’t want to die. I’ll live for you, and my sister, and for-“

  “Noah. You will try to live for him only. I am not any concern of yours.”

  “If you’re alone, don’t you want someone to keep you company? It’s hard to be lonely when you’re with someone who cares.”

  “Why should you care? You have no idea who I am, or why you see me. I am just a false existence, a disruption in normal life. There is no reason at all you should care.”

  “I care cause you seem sad. Maybe I can be your friend!”

  “I have no interest in acquiring your friendship through pity.”

  “Ahh, don’t be like that! It’s not a pity friendship, I just don’t see any other people who would be friends with you. If I were you, I’d definitely try and make friends with the one guy who does come along.”

  He was silent for a long while, and then stood up, turning to me.

  “Fine. You are very persistent.” He looked around the classroom, and then went and sat at a desk. I took the seat in front of him and turned around, smiling warmly.

  “What’s your name?” I asked, leaning forward on his desk.

  “My name is Tobias.”

  “Ah, I’ve always liked that name. Some kind of biblical thing, like Noah, huh? My name is-”

  “Aerie.”

  “Well, that’s what Noah calls me… but my full name is Aerian.”

  “Really…?”

  “Yeah, I think maybe he misheard me when I introduced myself the first time. I figured that it’s nice that I have a nickname, and so I’ve never corrected him. I think it’s cute.”

  “I see.”

  “So, how do you know Noah? You must, right? I mean, you look so much like him…”

  His blue eyes met my turquoise, and were so sad.

  Woke up, and sat up quickly, throwing my blankets off me. Hate waking up like that. Eesh, the cold just rushes in.

  Did talk to Noah today about the whole thing, and he seemed genuinely confused.

  “Tobias? That is my name.”

  “Yours?”

  “It is my middle name, it seems odd that this phantom in your dream would use this same name. And you said he knows me?”

  “Yeah, he was pretending to be you the first time I saw him.”

  “That is very strange. I don’t know what to tell you, other than perhaps you should try to befriend him. From what you’ve told me, it sounds like he could use a friend.”

  Now that I’m writing this all out, it seems weird that we can talk about my dreams as something real. I guess since it felt so real, it was. How are we supposed to know if things are real anyway?

  There is no such thin
g as a memory that does not exist.

  Maybe Tobias is just a memory that someone forgot.

  I want him to be remembered.

  99 Days, 20 November, Thursday

  Eesh, that’s worrisome. I’m down to double digits.

  School today passed in a weird blur, like I wasn’t properly awake for most of it. Wish that weird feeling of being half-asleep would just go away already.

  It also occurred to me today that I don’t think Terra knows I don’t like girls.

  Yeah, this came as a revelation to me today when I was helping Noah carry books into the library for Mrs. Trumpeter. Something as small as watching the muscles in his arms move as he lifted English for Intermediate Studies got me going.

  A couple of the other girls in the class were helping, and very obviously stacking the books under their chests to make them more noticeable. The other guys seemed to appreciate this, and were completely indiscreet about staring.

  This appears to be some kind of hetero mating thing. Weird.

  It was at that moment, when that thought occurred to me, that I certainly was not one of them. I like guys.

  Yup, there it is. Guys! With deep voices and thick eyebrows and male genitalia! Woo!

  Haha, guess I’m finally relieved that I made up my mind. It was always kind of nerve-wracking sitting on the fence like that. It feels like I got a huge weight off my shoulders.

  Only to be replaced by a slightly less heavy weight as I thought about coming out to my sister. Don’t think it’ll really be a problem, but there’s always a tiny little doubt that she’ll be freaked out.

  Created a scene of the worst possible outcome of coming out to her in my head, where she’d just lose it and kick me out. Of course, I’m positive it would never happen, but the idea of it still bothers me. I know that’s how it must be for Noah at his house.

  That constant rejection must be horrible. That’s why I’m afraid, I think.

  And it could also be the reason that the idea occurred to me in the first place. Don’t think I ever would have worried about Terra’s reaction if I didn’t know how terrible it could be.

  Maybe I’ll try talking to Noah about it tomorrow, and then try to tell Terra soon.

  98 Days, 21 November, Friday

  So Noah’s advice was to say nothing. He said that if I say nothing, it won’t be an issue.

  That made me think even harder about things I have to tell her. Maybe I would tell her exactly what that ‘nothing’ was. It’s sort of appropriate too, I guess, as the reason that entire bashing happened was because of my sexuality.

  When I think about it now, guess I did actually know that I was different than the other guys in my class. Think it’s a bit weird how they were perceptive enough to notice when I didn’t even have a clue.

  The world works weirdly sometimes. (I wanted to find a word that also had a ‘w’ in it there, but sometimes showed up. Alliteration is really fun. Too bad it didn’t work out this time.)

  Anyway, think tonight I’ll try and tell her. She does get home at a reasonable hour tonight I think.

  97 Days, 22 November, Saturday

  So last night. It… went. Think it went okay, but I did make Terra cry. Feel lousy about that, but I think she was happy I was honest.

  Made chicken soup for supper, which I know she loves. Made sure to make sandwiches to go with, egg salad, which is another of her favourites. Figure it’s good to have important conversations over good food.

  It started slowly. I wasn’t sure how to initiate a topic like that.

  We were just finishing up the soup when I just decided to say it.

  “You remember when I said ‘it’s nothing’?”

  She looked at me seriously, her eyes widening a bit as she bit into her sandwich. “Yes. Are you-?”

  I sat down, scratching at the top of the table with my fingernail. Needed something to help me detach myself from the words I was about to say. “It wasn’t nothing. I know you probably know that… but…” I bit my lip, and fidgeted in my chair. “Those guys, they came after me, and they beat me up cause I’m-”

  She reached across the table and grabbed my hand, halting me from picking at the seam between the boards. I looked at her, and realised how much we look the same.

  It occurred to me then that if I wasn’t honest with her, I wasn’t being honest with myself either.

  “They beat me up because I’m gay.”

  Her expression changed very swiftly from anger to shock to compassion.

  “That’s… that’s why I couldn’t tell you before.” I finished, looking away from her. Could still feel the warmth of her hand on mine, and found myself wishing she would say something. Anything at all.

  She withdrew her hand, and I closed my eyes, a sick feeling squeezing my heart. Thought she was revolted or angry with me, or-

  Was surprised when I felt her arms wrap around me, and hold me tightly. “You should have told me!!” she cried, burying her face in my neck, kissing the scar that used to be nothing. “We could have done something, and we wouldn’t have had to move away, you wouldn’t have to-”

  Patted her hair as she cried into my neck. Think she was mostly just crying that hard because she was relieved I finally told her.

  Still had to confirm it though, had to ask her.

  “Terra, it… doesn’t bother you that I’m… gay, does it?”

  “Of course not, you’re my brother! I love you no matter what!”

  Relief flooded me. That was the best thing she could have said there. I feel so much better now. Why didn’t I do this sooner?

  I grinned and stood up, hugging her properly. “I’m so relieved… I was scared you might be mad.”

  “You’re so stupid sometimes, you know that?” She sniffed, and looked at me. I forget she’s tall, we see almost eye to eye. She cupped my face in her hands, smiling exasperatedly. “But you always act that way out of worry for other people. That’s why I love you, Aerian. You’re such a beautiful person.”

  Was about to say something when she stood on tiptoe, and kissed my forehead. “Don’t ever change.”

  I smiled, which made her smile more, and she hugged me again.

  Then, interrupting the nice sibling moment, she must have noticed the dessert on the counter.

  “Is that chocolate cake over there?”

  We then proceeded to have dessert, and she seemed a lot happier after a while.

  When I asked her about her sudden change, she smiled.

  “Well, I’m just glad you were fully honest with me. It’s a relief to know that you’re not hiding anything else from me. Like we’re completely connected again.” She grinned, and took a bite of her cake, smiling happily as she chewed.

  That’s when my heart began to ache again. I’m still hiding it from her. The last secret. The confirmation of Mum’s charts from May. Imagined how I would tell her, the exact words I would say. Her reactions, all of the possible ones. Terror, sadness, and then inversely, scepticism and laughter. There was always the possibility she could shrug it off as something made up and ridiculous.

  I could be a writer because of my ability to think of all of these different storylines for one simple event.

  Maybe in my next life, because I don’t think I have the time in this one.

  96 Days, 23 November, Sunday

  Today, I got a shift change at work, and so now I only work on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. Which means my hours have been cut down to one third of what they were. Which is less convenient, because now we’re generally going to have less money. Dammit.

  Terra says to not worry about it, because I should be focusing on my schoolwork and stuff. But still, I feel like I should be contributing to the house funds in some way.

  Wait, why don’t I go reply to the offer for being a nude model? Those ladies seemed to be eager to get one, and they pay well, to my recollection.

  So I just called Ruth, the lady who is in charge of the class and she said they’d be delighted to have me as
a model. Apparently, it’s really difficult to get a good male model in the city.

  Wouldn’t say I’d be a really good model, cause I’m not really in shape, and I’m a bit peaky. I’m also kind of worried about… Meh, well I suppose, I figured it before. Little old ladies have most assuredly seen a guy’s junk before, and if they haven’t they are most assuredly aware of what’s going on down there.

  Right. I’m going to do this. Ruth gave me some tips on calming down beforehand.

  “I know it can be a bit scary the first time you do this, but don’t worry dear, we’re only harmless old ladies. We’re all married. Well, except Margie, but I’m relatively sure she favours the ladies and just hasn’t found the right woman yet.”

  Ohh man, old ladies are funny.

  My first session is this Thursday, and I’m a bit freaked out about it.

  Ruth also gave me a list of things to buy before my first session, including hair clips, slippers/sandals, a soft blanket, and a bathrobe.

  I went to the local bargain shop and acquired all of said items for less than thirty bucks, cause I’m thrifty that way.

  My bathrobe is bright sunshine yellow. I love it, even if I prefer light blue.

  95 Days, 24 November, Monday

  The date of the hospital Christmas Party got announced today! Terra was pretty excited about it, and told me all about it. It’s next Saturday, at the Community Swimming Pool, and most of the staff are attending, and are allowed one guest each.

  Terra slyly smiled and suggested I invite Noah.

  Blushed and chuckled at the instant mental visual of him in a swimsuit. Pictured his swim trunks as blue for some reason.

  Think she’s very aware of my attraction to him; even more now that I’m out of the closet.

  She did make a joke about how I wasn’t so much in the closet as in the pantry, because I’m always cooking. It wasn’t the funniest joke, but she cracked up so bad while saying it that it somehow became funny.

  I’m gonna invite Noah tomorrow for sure.

  Actually, he wasn’t at school today. Wonder where he was…?

  94 Days, 25 November, Tuesday

  So apparently, Noah wasn’t at school yesterday because his father took him into the clinic for a monthly checkup.