In Memory

by CJ Lyons

  “Yeah, the next week, there I was, walking into that hospital with Dad, and identifying her body.”

  “Terra… I didn’t-”

  “It’s okay.” She swatted the air around her head, as if she was trying to banish the weird tenseness in the atmosphere. “I don’t know why this all just occurred to me. Don’t worry about it.”

  “But-”

  “Just… let me know if you dream something about you or Noah. I don’t want anything to happen to either of you. Tell me so we can stop anything horrible.”

  “I promise.”

  “Because I will believe you. Mum had the gift of prophecy, and I guess she decided to hand it down to you.”

  “Could she-?”

  “Hm?”

  “Could she read people’s emotions?”

  “I’m not sure. She never mentioned anything like that. Although she always said Dad was really perceptive about things. Why?”

  Debated on whether or not to just say it. So I did. This seemed like the best time out of any. “I can feel what other people are feeling when I touch them. Sometimes it can be really overwhelming, like in the school hallway and stuff.”

  She looked at me seriously, “Is there anything else unique that you can do?”

  “I can cook amazingly.” I smiled, successfully smashing the slight tenseness to bits.

  She grinned, and pulled me into a hug. “You goof.” As she pulled away, she looked at me seriously again. “He’s sleeping, yeah? There’s something I wanted to talk to you about.”

  “Hm? What’s up?”

  She shook her head, sitting down at the table. Slowly, I sat down across from her, and looked right at her. She was avoiding my gaze, and seemed to be forming the proper sentence in her mind before actually saying it.

  “Noah… is he special in some way?”

  “Huh? What do you mean, like to me or something?”

  “No, I mean… Does he have some kind of gift like you?”

  “Uh, I’m not sure… Why do you ask?”

  “He should have died, Aerian. Those cuts were more than enough to kill him. He would have bled out and died.” She kept looking away, I don’t think she could have continued if she looked at me. “So there must be a reason he lived. There’s no way he should have.”

  “He- he’s cursed. That’s what he told me. He told me people who get close to him get hurt, and that’s why he always has to be alone.”

  Her face switched quickly from soft worry to full-out sadness. She pinched the bridge of her nose. “Yes, I’ve heard people say that. Many of my co-workers spit at the mention of his name. He’s labelled as a curse, no one wants anything to do with him. The other nurses say he used to always come to the hospital, begging for help, and then his father would take him away, claiming it was all an act. People just never listen to him.”

  “It’s like that at school too.”

  She put her elbows on the table, cradling her forehead in her hands. “But he’s such a good person! It’s so unfair!”

  “I know.” I said. Really couldn’t think of anything else to say.

  After a few seconds, she sat back, looking at me sadly. “You’re still going to be his friend, even though he’s a curse, aren’t you?”

  “Yeah, I reckon so. He’s one of the only friends I’ve ever had.”

  After he woke up, we had breakfast, which he seemed really eager to eat. Whenever he comes here, he seems famished. Wonder if he even eats at home.

  “Thank you.” He said softly, as he finished his porridge.

  Initially, I figured he meant for breakfast, but the ‘thank you’ seemed more than that. Looked at him, waiting for him to elaborate a little.

  “Thank you for saving me again. I never thought I’d be worth it.” Went to interrupt him, but he continued before I could. “I have never been worth anything before I met you. You have given me value, and I appreciate it more than you might understand. To suddenly be important after being worthless for so long is a beautiful feeling. So I thank you.” He reached forward slowly, placing his hand on mine, looking so intensely at me that I found it difficult to mirror the fierce emotion. Wanted so badly to show him something as raw and as beautiful as the bright emotions he was revealing to me.

  At that moment, I saw Terra about to enter the room, and then step back, allowing us the moment of privacy.

  He withdrew his hand, wetting his lips with his tongue.

  Terra stepped in, smiling happily and gently touched him on the shoulder, “Good morning, sailor, how were your lodgings?”

  He smiled curiously, “What did you call me?”

  “Sailor! It’s my nickname for you, I think it suits you, no?”

  A light blush coloured his cheeks and he continued smiling softly, “I have never received a nickname before. Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome! Now, should I take a look at you? Consider it your weekly checkup!”

  “Oh… ah, yes, of course.” He stood up, and followed her to the living room, which I have come to understand is now like our own mini-clinic.

  There was even a first-aid kit under the coffee table. We’re pretty efficient here.

  He pulled off the white t-shirt I had given him earlier, revealing a new arrangement of bruises. Every time he shows up here with new bruises, I imagine them as a new bouquet, coloured in an extensive range of colours. Imagine them as flowers, a gift, an honour that he received for surviving.

  There’s a blue-purple one across his right shoulder that looks like a forget-me-not.

  I won’t, I will never forget him.

  The way he looks at me.

  I will never forget him.

  85 Days, 4 December, Thursday

  So yesterday, he left almost immediately after we made sure he was okay. Had washed and dried his clothes, so he redressed, and began to leave.

  “Wait! It’s minus 26 today! You can’t go outside without a coat!” I protested.

  “I cannot return to my house in anything I did not leave in. It will only raise suspicion.”

  “You can’t go outside in just that, though. You’ll freeze. Umm… what if I gave you something, and you could take it off before you go inside?”

  He thought about that, and then agreed, taking a thick warm blanket to wrap around himself.

  Rubbed his shoulders after he put the blanket around him, leaning in and giving him a light kiss on the forehead. “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

  He nodded, and then he left.

  At school today, I noticed he was wearing his red coat, the one I had given to him. He must have left it at home when he went out the other night. At least he’s using it. Somehow I find that reassuring. Like that one article of clothing will protect him, even when I’m not around. Can’t help but thinking that he needs a white coat though. It’s weird to see him in anything but white. He needs the innocence of it.

  Maybe I’ll try and find him one, or make him one for Christmas. Think he’d like that.

  And of course, I invited him over for the weekend. Somehow he never needs to go home on the weekends. Really wonder how he’s allowed to not go home.

  Also wonder about his sister. What does she do when she’s at home? Does she avoid him like everyone else? Kinda doubt it, she seems to love him even though she’s surrounded by people who hate him. I’d like to spend some time with her sometime.

  Maybe next week, that’d be nice. We could all go out to the skating rink or something.

  84 Days, 5 December, Friday

  You’re the last thing on my mind as I fall asleep.

  You’re the last thing on my mind.

  Perhaps I should exchange ‘last’ for ‘final’. But then the play on words isn’t as obvious.

  I’ve grown accustomed to watching him as he sleeps peacefully. It’s almost as if by watching him, I’ll somehow keep him safe.

  If he feels safe enough here with me to comfortably sleep, I don’t mind the soft silence. The crackle of the fire and his slow deep bre
aths are enough for me. There’s music in it.

  It’s only when there is little to no sound that one can appreciate the sounds of peace.

  He woke up a little after that, and we decided to decorate for Christmas. I had some coloured paper, and elected we make a bunch of paper chains. He was way better at cutting proper sized pieces of paper than me though, so I let him take full charge of that job.

  Terra brought home some small lights too, which we strung up with the paper chains. It made the whole living room glow with cheerful colourful lights. Among the other things Terra brought home were some things for the spare bedroom, which was quickly becoming known as ‘his’ bedroom. This included a lamp, a bookcase, and a large quilt. His room is beginning to look like a room now; he even has clean clothes for when he stays over now.

  Think Terra is surreptitiously trying to make him stay here all the time.

  We had hot chocolate, watched the Christmas episode of the supernatural show and went to bed. It was a really lovely night, all around.

  Could get used to this.

  Being happy all the time, it’s a good feeling.

  83 Days, 6 December, Saturday

  Today was not a good day.

  I’m writing this at home after a rather unpleasant series of events.

  Narrative switch! I’m going to write this to the best of my recollection from the moment it happened.

  Right now, we are all doing the dishes; Terra is washing, Noah is drying, and I am putting them away. Noah takes this task very seriously, intently wiping every dish dry before handing it to me. It occurred to me after a while that he had probably never done this before. As I took the next very dry mug from him, I smiled, holding his hand around the mug.

  “You know, you don’t have to get every dish bone dry, right?”

  He looked up, his face mixed in expressions of surprise and amusement, and then he smiled back.

  Took the mug from him and climbed the step ladder to put it in the top cupboard. As I extended my arm to the cupboard, something shook in me, my heart skipped and darkness blotted out my vision. Thought I heard someone crying.

  He’s unlucky. How dare you make him smile?

  A voice sounded all around me, echoing, How dare you? How dare you?

  Heard the sound of the mug shattering, and then I fell backwards, hitting my head on the table, and, consequentially, the floor. There was a sickening smack sound, white dots exploded into the darkness, clearing it away and revealing the ceiling.

  “Aerian?!” Terra’s voice, panicked.

  Someone touched me, damp fingers on my face. Noah. Could sense his emotions in that touch; panic, terror, sadness… guilt. Why is he guilty?

  My vision is really blurry, can see black, Noah’s hair, and orange, that would be Terra. After a moment, Terra’s hand was on my forehead, holding me still while she checked my unfocused eyes for a concussion.

  Which I’m almost positive I have from how hard I hit my head on the table and floor.

  “Just lay still, Aerian.” Terra has her ‘nurse’ voice on, weirdly calm, and bracing. “Hold him, Noah.”

  She’s worried, it must be serious. I wonder if I’m bleeding.

  Feel sick, kind of nauseous. Opened my mouth to say this, figuring she’d want to know, and instead said “How dare you?” in a weird slurred voice that sounded alien to my ears. Noah tensed around me, every line in his body taking on a rigidity.

  Eventually, I managed to speak a little more coherently. “I feel sick, and I’m cold.” I mumbled, lolling my head in Noah’s loose grasp, “I’m sleepy.”

  “Don’t go to sleep.” Terra said sharply, “Noah, hold his head. He has a bad concussion. Keep talking to him, okay?”

  He bit his lip, holding me steady. “I’m sorry, Aerie. It’s my fault.”

  This confused me even more.

  “I’m unlucky, remember? That curse. I told you, people who make me happy get hurt. They… die.”

  “M’ not dead.” I slurred, my words thick and slow. Something stirred in my stomach, forcing its way up my throat. Rolled away from Noah as quickly as I could, the horrible nausea rising, and I threw up. I rolled back to my original position, groaning.

  Noah tentatively held me, I could feel his terror through his hands. Want to sleep, feel terrible. But I know if I fall asleep, Noah will worry, and Terra will scold me later.

  It’s irresistible though, to fall asleep, I wonder if this is like dying.

  Closed my eyes.

  “Aerian!”

  Fading.

  “Aerian! Wake up this instant!”

  Opened my eyes slowly, wincing at the bright light and the throbbing pain in my head.

  “Here, fan him. Keep him cool. I called for help. Don’t move him.”

  Oddly enough, I began thinking a little more clearly then. What happened? Only fell backwards. Right onto my head I guess. Can taste the vomit in my mouth and fidgeted, agitating the contents of my stomach disconcertingly. Swallowed, willing my body not to throw up again.

  It was strange, usually I’m the one to witness this, not experience it. How many times has Noah shown up here with a concussion, I wonder.

  Ugh, my head hurts.

  The darkness tempts me again, luring me closer with promises of blissful ignorance.

  Shook it off, opening my eyes wider and focusing on Noah, who still looked horrified and guilty. Wanted that look to go away so badly.

  With a great deal of effort, I sat up, reaching for him, wanting to hold him and make that look go away.

  Leaned forward, my head resting on this shoulder as I took a few deep breaths.

  “Aerie, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.” He apologized to me like he apologises to his father. This made a sick discomfort writhe in my chest, like my heart wanted to throw up. Lifted my arms, only having enough strength to get my hands on his waist.

  “Don’t… don’t say sorry. Not to me.” This concussion is terrible, I can hardly even speak. “Never to me… it’s not your fault.”

  He relaxed after I said this, felt his hands trail up my back and then he hugged me.

  It was a nice hug. Think that was the best word for it. Soft and gentle, full of meaning. Thank you, thank you, thank you so much.

  Think it’s wearing off. Almost feel more clear-headed. Straightened, pulling away from him.

  All at once, a pain shot through my head, shaking me deep into my core. My body trembled, and I probably would have fallen into the pile of sick if Noah hadn’t pulled me away from it.

  Everything went dim, like I was encased in glass, warped vision and distorted noises. I’m going to sleep now. My body can’t hear my mind’s protests.

  Woke again in a car, speeding down a road. Could feel Noah holding me, his aura thick with worry. Closed my eyes again, murmuring those three words, How dare you?

  Don’t know why I keep saying that.

  The next time I woke up, the car had stopped, and Noah, Terra, and someone else were hurrying me onto a stretcher. A stretcher, seems kind of drastic, but oh well.

  Looked around, my hand moving around to feel for someone. A hand gripped mine, followed by a voice.

  “Aerian? Are you awake?” Terra’s voice, “Go on! Get him a CT scan right now!”

  The next hour or so passed in a confusing blur. Woke up enough to answer the basic cognitive questions the doctors kept barraging me with.

  “What’s your name?”

  “Aerian. Aerian Guildenstern.”

  “How old are you?”

  “Eighteen.”

  “Do you know where you are?”

  “The hospital.”

  “Who brought you here?”

  “How dare you?” There I go again, what does that even mean?

  “Aerian, who brought you here?”

  “My sister… and my…” Wasn’t sure what to call Noah; my friend, my boyfriend, my soulmate? “My boyfriend.” I concluded, figuring it was the best word for him.

  “Ok, we’re go
ing to run a CT. Do you know what that means?”

  “Computerised Topography or something.”

  “Close enough.”

  The doctor walked away, still don’t remember if they were a guy or a girl. Suppose that’s immaterial.

  After they left, a nurse, one of Terra’s co-workers, brought a change of clothes; a hospital smock and flannel pants. Stripped down mechanically, pulling on the new clothes with the same detached methodity.

  The nurse took my arm and led me into the CT room. I can still barely walk straight, my head is ringing.

  She directed me to lie on the bed, so I did, wincing as the back of my head hit the small pillow.

  Shivered, still feeling chilled. “Can I have a blanket?” I asked, moving my head around on the pillow. My ponytail is in a weird spot and making it difficult to lie down.

  Heard the door open and someone else walked in. A lovely warm sensation fell upon me, a blanket.

  “Really, Aerian. I don’t know how you managed this one.” Oh, Terra’s in here now. She reached around my head, tugging on my hair elastic and freeing my hair from the uncomfortable position.

  “Sorry, Terra.” I mumbled, settling onto the bed.

  “How did you fall? Did you lose your balance?”

  “No, dunno what happened. It was like I just passed out and fell over…”

  “You said something before you fell…”

  “How dare you?”

  “Yeah, what’s that about?”

  “I don’t know.” I answered honestly, “I heard a voice right before I fell.”

  Terra was silent for a few beats before she pulled the blanket up to my chin.

  “Tell me about it afterwards, okay?” She bent down, and kissed my forehead, stroking my hair.

  Nodded, letting my eyes slide shut.

  Terra shook my shoulder, making me open my eyes in surprise.

  “Don’t fall asleep.” She ordered.

  Nodded again, and she leaned closer to me. “Noah is outside. He’s worried sick, do you want me to tell him anything?”

  “Tell him… it’s not his fault.”

  “What?”

  Once again, I could not obey Terra’s orders and fell asleep.

  ------

  “Aerie? I have to go home. Please get better. I’m sorry.”