In Memory

by CJ Lyons

  So I’m taking Art. It was actually really cool. We started with drawing spheres and things. I totally gerked up the shading, but it was fun. Noah helped me, and demonstrated a blending technique with his finger.

  “Like this.” He grabbed my hand and directed my fingers over the paper, in tiny circles. “It requires a firm touch.”

  Of course, my hormonal teenage brain spun into overdrive as he said that, and a blush shot up my face. My hand grew hot underneath his, and I just sort of let him guide it around the sphere, letting my thoughts drift to more… well, sexy things.

  I think he might have noticed that I was drifting to some kind of lecherous daydream, because he released my hand, and looked at me curiously. I think a small smile ghosted across his lips as he figured it out.

  We shared a mutual sort of awkward semi-pleased-ness for the remainder of the class. Obviously, he has no problem with being that close to me. Which is exciting for me.

  For dinner tonight, I made spaghetti and asparagus. It’s really addictive.

  We slept in separate beds, despite my little hints that he should come stay in my bed.

  24 Days, 3 February, Tuesday

  Lately, I’ve been thinking of stopping writing this. I was thinking of the final entry, and how I have no desire to come up with my last words here in this journal.

  Those words will need to be perfect, which is something I fear I am incapable of writing. How do I write something beautiful and meaningful when I haven’t lived enough to know what’s beautiful and meaningful?

  I wish I had more time. These thoughts occurred to me in the shower, which is where I do some of my best thinking. Something about the constant water and the thrumming mantra it creates.

  What words can I possibly offer those I’m leaving behind? There’s no consolation I can write while I’m alive that will lighten my death.

  The perfect words can only be obtained in death, when they cannot be given to anyone else.

  I’ve realised this fact now.

  I think the last thing I’ll see is Noah. I just have a feeling. I don’t know how it’s going to happen, but I have vague ideas. We’ll be outside, in the snow, and I’m going to see his eyes, and know that I’ve left him alone.

  Maybe the realization of that fact is what will kill me. I can’t stand the idea of seeing him, and then just fading away. What awaits me, I have no idea, but I know I’ll be leaving him.

  Until death do us part.

  I won’t leave him though. I’m going to stay with him. That’s what I promised. I gave him my heart and soul.

  So no matter what, I’ll always be with him. That’s comforting, I guess.

  I just remembered though, that even this won’t help him. May said he would try to kill himself. That he will go insane when I’m gone.

  I’m going insane thinking about it. There must be something I can do. I can change his fate. I will make him at peace, and full of happiness. Maybe this way my memory will stay with him, and allow him to be happy.

  I don’t know.

  23 Days, 4 February, Wednesday

  So I was a little mopey yesterday. But I always bounce back with extra vigour, and was extra vibrant today.

  Julia, Ariel, Noah and I all went to this super nice little café after school today. We spent about two hours there, just chatting and eating cakes and drinking pot upon pot of tea. It felt like something out of a storybook; a group of friends enjoying a nice winter day in a cosy café and just having an all-around lovely time.

  This is how I want us to feel all the time. I do wonder how the curse is going to affect Noah when his father isn’t around though. I hope he won’t keep cutting himself to keep the curse satisfied.

  Noah’s balance was a little out of whack today too. I didn’t really think much of it until he had to steady himself on the table as he was getting up. I touched his hand, and immediately felt a rush of dizziness. Weird.

  He recovered quickly, and smiled as a reassurance. As we were leaving, Julia and Ariel both gave him a hug, which I am sure initially bewildered him.

  Their hugs were longer than strictly necessary, especially Ariel’s. I figured that was because of her long history of knowing him, and never being able to be near him. I wondered vaguely if she has a crush on him. I wouldn’t be surprised.

  It’s kind of sad to think of someone else loving him, and that they wouldn’t get that love in return.

  That makes it sound like I’m going to monopolise his love. Well, of course I’m not. But that special kind of attention seems to be for me alone.

  I’m the luckiest. So lucky that I get his kisses.

  I got four today.

  The first one, as I was making breakfast, and Noah shuffled into the kitchen. He shuffled right up to me, and placed his hands on my chest, stretching up to give me the softest of kisses.

  The second, as we were just leaving, he grabbed my hand before I could open the door, and kissed me on the side of my mouth. I think his aim was a little off, but I didn’t mind.

  The third, in the café, a very shy kiss. He was progressively moving closer to me, and eventually, placed a kiss on my cheek. I’m very aware that Julia and Ariel were delighted about this.

  The fourth, as we were going to bed, I stopped at the foot of the stairs to bid him goodnight and he took my hand.

  “Aerie, I love you.”

  “I love you too.” I smiled, clearing his fringe from his face with my available hand.

  Noah smiled, (a proper smile, it reached his eyes) and kissed me again, and then set off for his room.

  “Goodnight, sleep well!” I called, ascending the stairs.

  “Of course. You as well.” He returned. I could hear his footsteps down the hallway, and then the sound of his bedroom door closing.

  This is another night I wish he was here with me.

  This bed feels too big for just me now.

  Maybe I’ll dream of him tonight. Even though he’s only downstairs, I still wish he was here by me. So maybe we’ll be together when I dream.

  22 Days, 5 February, Thursday

  I met with Tobias again last night. And I’m kind of ashamed of myself.

  “Hello.”

  As soon as I realised I was in that classroom, I waded through the blood, and right up to him. “Tobias!” I grabbed his shoulders, and shoved him into the wall. “What the hell were you trying to do?”

  The blood lapped around my waist as he surveyed me evenly. “I was trying to kill us, obviously.”

  “I know that! Why?”

  “Look around you! Why do you think? I am going to drown in this blood! Would you resign yourself to that fate when the opportunity arises for you to change it? He was so easy to take over from this time. It would have been foolish for me not to attempt it.”

  I didn’t let him go, and he didn’t resist me. I could feel his bony arms under my grip, and was aware I was probably hurting him. “It’s not your choice to make! He’s alive, and he wants to be with me! He told me himself! So I won’t let you hurt him! We’re going to be alive, and happy! And there’s nothing you can do!” I slammed him into the wall again, emphasizing my point. “Understand?!”

  At this, he just looked sad. I’d like to use a more refined word, but that’s it. He looked sad.

  “I understand.” Tobias mumbled, and pushed past my grip. He strode across the room, and then fell forward, splashing into the thick crimson. It enveloped him, like a red monster opening its liquid jaws to swallow him whole.

  Instantly, I hurried over to where he fell, biting my tongue against the words I just spoke. I dug through the blood, splashing it all over me, and the surrounding walls, calling for him. “Tobias!” I felt his arm, and grabbed it tightly, yanking him out of the blood. I held him up beside me, clearing his face as he coughed and sputtered.

  “You cannot save both of us.” Tobias said quietly, once he regained himself.

  “What do you mean?” I asked, sitting up in bed. Dammit. Why can’t I just si
t and talk with him for a decent amount of time?

  There was an incident at school today too. There are some guys in our class, that are always giving us dirty looks. Julia says to ignore them, and they’ll go away, but I don't think that they will.

  They remind me of those boys from before. The ones who, for lack of a better word, bashed me.

  As Noah and I were walking to Art, they came up behind us, and shoved into him hard enough to knock him off balance. He dropped everything he was carrying, and fell hard onto his knees.

  They continued on as if nothing had happened. Of course, I immediately jumped to help him up, plying him with the usual “Are you okays?” he’s come to expect from me.

  During Art class, I watched him as he wrote something in the corner of his sketchbook. I feel kind of bad for reading it, because I’m sure he wouldn’t have wanted me to.

  It did not work. This curse has found another conduit. There’s no escape.

  Seeing those words engraved the truth into my consciousness, especially in his handwriting. There’s personality in handwriting, and his speaks in volumes. Apparently, there’s some kind of science that explains how a person’s traits are transcribed within their writing. I wonder what my writing says about me.

  When we came home, we were both pretty quiet. We spent most of the time until Terra got him in the living room reading and working on our Art assignments. The evening was quiet and polite, with no real energy between us.

  And of course, Terra noticed, but said nothing.

  Noah didn’t talk about the incident at all. I think he’s resigned himself to continued abuse from them. He’s probably right, that the curse is just going to find some other way. And those bullies were the way.

  I’m grateful that it wasn’t me who had to hurt him. It’s a horrible thought, but it did occur to me. What if I was the one who had to abuse him to satisfy the curse? I’d kill myself before I’d hurt him.

  Of course, that’s what’s going to hurt him, isn’t it? Damn this life. Damn this death.

  Damn it all.

  Damn.

  21 Days, 6 February, Friday

  I almost feel like resisting writing this every day. Mostly because every time I write in here, I just get reminded of the few days I have left. Which is depressing.

  Although, maybe this is a good thing, because then I realise the importance of these few days. Tiny things happen, and I remember them and cherish them because they happened. Without the little details, there isn’t anything. So these entries are a good thing.

  Today, we both made valiant efforts to just keep smiling though. I think we had a joint epiphany, and are just working on being happy for each other.

  We walked home hand in hand today, (well, not all the way home. Only when we crossed into the relatively secluded alleyway did we actually start).

  The house was almost shaking when we got there. Terra had the stereo up incredibly loud, and was listening to some kind of hardcore techno dance stuff. She didn’t even notice we were there until she saw us in the doorway to the living room.

  “Guys! I’m having a bunch of the girls over for a dance party!” she shouted over the noise, “I forgot to tell you, didn’t I?”

  “Yeah, you did!”

  “You don’t mind, do you? We can keep it down!”

  “Don’t worry about it. Did you need some food or snacks or whatever?”

  “That’d be nice!”

  So Noah and I proceeded to make some quick snacks and things for the inevitable rush of people. I’ve become accustomed to the endless flow of people when Terra has parties.

  We hid in Noah’s room for a while. It’s really great in there now. We’ve acquired and unearthed some nice things for his room. He’s got a desk, an armchair, and a lot of lamps. His room is always remarkably well-lit.

  “I enjoy your company.” Noah said, after we sat in silence for a while. I was sprawled on his bed, and he was curled up in his armchair. “I have never felt the need to fill our silence with mindless chatter. Which I believe means that we are highly compatible.”

  “Me either.” I grinned. And then realised I had nothing else to say, which sort of proved the point.

  There was another long silence, broken when he abruptly sprang from his chair, and jumped onto the bed. It was surprising.

  “I like to be close to you, as well. I have no problem minimizing the distance between us.” He moved so that he was straddling me, with his arms propping him up on either side of my head. The way his hair fell around his face when he looked down at me was interesting. The visual of it is still stuck in my mind.

  I gave a nervous chuckle as he leaned closer. I think he was seducing me.

  “I really do love you, Aerie.”

  I grinned, and despite my body’s interest, I just hugged him close to me. I think he was surprised by that too. He must have been expecting something more than a hug.

  But for some reason, that’s all I felt I should give then. Anything else seemed wrong at that point.

  After a while, we rejoined the party, and were joyously welcomed into the fray. I think there were at least twenty people in the living room alone. Which is a huge population density for that room. Everyone was dancing, and the lights were dimmed, with the thumpa thumpa of the music pounding with their feet.

  “It is very crowded!” Noah shouted over the music.

  “It’s like a dance club or something!” I returned, grabbing his hand and leading him through the crowd to find Terra. No doubt she’d be in the middle of all of this.

  “Terra!” I called, as soon as I caught sight of her. She turned around, grinning from ear to ear.

  “Oh hey!!! Are you guys gonna join us? I’m so happy!”

  Noah and I exchanged glances, and then sort of shimmied from side to side, as our humble dance offering to her.

  “Is that all you can do? Try a little harder guys! C’mon!” Terra laughed, and then someone else distracted her.

  I turned around, and someone jostled me right next to Noah, forcing us tightly together. I swallowed, already feeling the inevitable tweak of attraction my body couldn’t suppress. Which was not helped by his thin hands on my chest, spread out and making me crazy. My heartbeat thrummed in my throat, and all throughout my body; he’s just being ruthless now. He is completely aware what he’s doing, and it looks like he’s enjoying it.

  So I just let him. I mean, I’m not about to say no to him.

  It was hot in that room. So hot that his touch almost burned. I could feel every place he touched seethe and blaze. When he kissed my neck, I know I let out a weird groan sound, which no one but he heard, due to the loud music.

  I really think that’s the purpose of loud music like that. I mean, how else would people get inappropriately close and make inappropriate noises with others around? The music is a clever device to ensure couples can be downright lewd.

  I must admit, I fully succumbed to his advances, and allowed myself to run my hands down his back, and lower, pulling him closer to me. (If that was even possible)

  We danced and danced, for hours, at least. It was really dark out now. A sheen of sweat was across both our brows, and his hair was even blacker because of it.

  His lips parted to breathe in deeply, interrupted when I captured them, and kissed him. We broke off, with a mutual need for air, and he looked around at all the people staring at us.

  Honestly, I didn’t really notice them when I had him to pay attention to. I just hope no one cared that two dudes were just madly making out.

  Meh. Whatever. It’s my damn house.

  “Let’s go back to my room.” he said, just loud enough for me to hear.

  I nodded, and we made our way there. At this point, two mentalities in my mind were battling. The first was preaching about going too quickly, and that I should be sure both of us were completely ready to make a decision like this. And also, that we couldn’t because I didn’t have… certain… protections in place.

  The seco
nd side told me to just go for it anyway, and be wild and blissful in his arms.

  However! Somehow, the first mentality won, just because of the last idea.

  “We can’t…” I gasped, between kisses to his jawline and neck. “It won’t be safe.”

  He arched into me, rising off the bed and accelerating my pulse into overdrive. “This… this is… enough.” Noah whispered, his warm breath tickling my ear. “I love you.”

  “I love you too.” I smiled, running my fingers through his hair. Our movements slowed, and he lay beside me, smiling at me. His lips were bright pink, matching the warm pink patches on his cheeks.

  “Forever and always.”

  “Forever and always.” I repeated, which prompted a huge grin and another kiss.

  And so, despite all of my body’s protestations, and urges, and general physical discomfort in my jeans, I did not ravish him as I wanted to.

  I feel pretty proud of myself. That was some marvellous self-restraint, self.

  Why thank you.

  Although now we have an intense unresolved sexual tension with him.

  That we do.

  We’re going to have to remedy this soon. Or we’ll explode.

  Yup.

  And so went my Friday. Pretty awesome, I must say.

  20 Days, 7 February, Saturday

  I did go back to my own bed last night. It just seemed advisable after that whole… thing last night. We stayed up pretty late just lying in each others arms, and eventually, when I was certain he was asleep, I went back to my own room.

  For some reason, I’m forcing myself to my own bed, even though I hate sleeping alone. It’s weird. I wonder why I’m doing it.

  Because I don’t want to let something happen.

  Or something.

  Last night I had a dream I was walking through a graveyard. I had a bouquet of flowers, and was walking past row upon row of tombstones. Someone was digging nearby.

  The way he’s digging, it’s with reckless abandon, like he’s searching for treasure. I dunno if it’s relevant, the way he digs. Tombstones were all around him, with people’s names already written.