Love Disorder

by Yuriko Hime

  Out of curiosity, I followed the trail of leaves and ended in the living room. If I weren't used to the strangeness, I would have screamed to see a headless mannequin standing there. I hurried to it and trailed my fingers on the red, shiny dress it was wearing. Upon taking a closer look, I noticed small diamonds embedded on some parts. There was a note stuck on the arm of the mannequin. I yanked it and read, "Go outside and follow the candles. P.s don't forget to wear the dress- B."

  My heart fluttered wildly like an overzealous bird. Blaze did this for me. It took a whole minute of gazing and admiring the dress before I had the courage to put it on. It matched my size perfectly, as if it was made especially for me. That wasn't possible right? How could she have known my measurements?

  Since there were silver heels positioned not too far from the mannequin, I wore those too before going out. Though the night kept the place dark, the candles that lined the ground were more than enough to illuminate the way. Goosebumps erupted on my arms as I took in the view and followed the light as she instructed.

  It was a short walk from the driveway to where she wanted me to go through the trees. I knew that I was at my destination when I saw silhouettes of people in the near distance. Were those guests she invited? My stomach flipped at the thought. Nevertheless, I took a deep breath and went there.

  I stopped short in front of one guest and gasped. The "person" I thought she was turned out to be a mannequin. And what was more intriguing was that she was wearing a beautiful dress that I recognized. With wide eyes, I ran my hands on the cloth. I knew this design. I posted it on my picture wall in the workshop. "Why are you wearing this?" I said to the mannequin, as if it would speak back to me.

  Glancing around, it dawned to me that I was surrounded by mannequins posing as people. Walking to them one by one, I saw that they were all wearing the designs I've made, for dresses under special occasions. These designs were private. They weren't meant to be sold. A soft music played in the background, making me jump nervously. It was coming from the front where most of the mannequins were centered. Shoving the fear in my chest, I went there to find out where this was all going.

  In the middle of the mannequins stood a taller, perfect woman, illuminated by the surrounding candles. Her eyes were closed. She had her arms positioned in such a way that made me think she was a ballerina. She was wearing one of my most recent creations, a simple black gown that was fitting for a Goddess like her. Slowly, her eyes opened. The mannequin's mouth animated into a smile.

  "Dance with me," she said. Her whisper was carried by the wind. Entranced, I gravitated towards her like a fly drawn to the fire. I shivered when our hands made contact. She enveloped me in her arms to warm me. The two of us swayed to the soft music. This is a dream, I thought happily, closing my eyes. Nothing in real life could be this perfect.

  She put her hand under my chin and tilted my head so I'd look at her. "This is how you make me feel," she said. "Like I stepped into a pleasant dream. But we're both real, Riri. This. Us. And because we are, I don't ever want to sleep again. Not when I know I'll be leaving you behind."

  The back of my throat tightened. I wanted to cry badly, not because of sadness. Anything but that. "I know," I said with trembling lips." We continued to dance. She was warm and soft. The smell of lavender from the candles were around us. The cool wind brushed my cheek as if lulling me to rest. I was content in staying like this, but no matter how much I wished, a large part of me longed for Uno in this special day too.

  Blaze leaned back and took a shaky breath. "You love her too, don't you?" she said. "I can sense it." I avoided her eyes. For her, she and Uno were a different person. I didn't know what to say. She faked a smile. "As much as I want to keep you here, I have a duty to make this day a special one for you." She swallowed. "Just this once I will allow it, and then no more." We stopped dancing. "Come with me," she said.

  "Where are we going?"

  She took a glass candle and held it near her face. I touched her cheek momentarily. She was the one who looked like a dream, not me. "Take a walk with me," she said. "I want to relax." I didn't protest as she lead me through the trees. The tension that filled her eyes a moment ago was gone. "Did you like my gift?"

  "I love all of it," I said truthfully. "Thank you. Nobody ever did this for me before."

  She smiled contentedly. "I couldn't have done it by myself. Everyone helped- Carter, his parents, and all of his sisters. Carter met Uno before, so it was easy for me to talk to him."

  I glanced curiously at her. "Really?"

  "Yeah, his mom had your measurement too." Blaze stared at my chest. "Of course they had to make the front part of the dress bigger, seeing that you grew in some areas since the measurements were taken in high school." I pinched her side, making her laugh. "Wear that dress for me the whole day. It looks really good on you," she said. "You're beautiful."

  We stopped walking and stared at each other. "You're beautiful too," I said. "Inside and out."

  Blaze's eyes gleamed before she nodded and pointed to the distance. I was staring so intently at her that I only began to notice the lights. I squinted to take a better look. The tree house that Uno showed me before was there, designed with Christmas lights of different colors. I felt Blaze's hand shake. I frowned and whipped my head to her.

  "What's wrong?" I asked in concern. She clutched her chest and turned her face away. I was gripping her arm so hard that I could feel the pulsation through her wrist. It beat wildly, as if she was in a state of panic. I was about to say that we should probably go back to the house and call the doctor when she turned her head to me.

  "Happy birthday," she said in a low voice.

  I blinked, trying to make sense of the transformation. "Is that you Uno?" I answered huskily. "I missed you." Her piercing eyes. The stubbornness in her expression. The way her lips moved to say my name. All of it. She hugged me fiercely. I had no choice but to surrender.

  "Riri," she said. It was the first time she spoke my name with such fervent passion. I trembled against her. "Let's rest in the tree house."

  The tree house was full of soft pillows and a large carpet. That and nothing more. Uno made me remove my heels before we went up. We collapsed on the pillow-made bed, settling in. "How did you manage to complete it?" I asked. "We're always so busy."

  "She helped me."

  "How?"

  "Something has changed. I don't know how to explain this to you." Uno exhaled. "Sometimes I know what's happening even though she's in control."

  That was new. I tried to wrap my head around it. "When did this start?"

  Uno leaned her head against the wooden wall. "When Bianca hurt you. When you told Blaze to stay instead of bringing me out. When you said you loved her." Though she tried hard to control it, pain flashed on her face. I found myself lost for words again. Uno was kind enough to continue. "But that's okay." She met my eyes. "Because when you love someone, you're willing to make some sacrifices for her. And I love you Riri. Me and all my broken parts."

  I crawled to where she was and settled my head on her chest. "Please understand that I cannot love you over the other," I said. "It's all or nothing with us. Either I love you and her, or none at all. If I can give you all of me so you can be complete again, I would have done it a long time ago." I stared pleadingly at her, willing her to understand the situation I was caught in. She stroked my hair. She was wisdom. She was fierceness. She was Uno in the flesh. I breathed in her rain scent and found myself deeper into the rabbit hole. There was no escape from her. Either I went with it or lose my mind too.

  The inches between us vanished. At first it was a brush of the lips. A testing phase to see if we were compatible. The sweet taste left me wanting more. I let her in my mouth and closed my eyes. Her tongue worked its magic as she danced with mine. I could feel the sensation all the way between my legs. "Uno," I moaned against her lips. She answered by running her fingers through my hair, then tugging it. Her heartbeat. The intensity of her kiss. All of it
heightened.

  She withdrew from my mouth and murmured urgently, "Call me by my name."

  "Uno," I said as our forehead touched.

  "Wrong."

  "Blaze," I whispered, to which she attacked me with fervent kisses again. But this time her hands were stroking every part of me in a gentle manner. It was crazy to be loved like this. Even so, I wouldn't trade it for the world.

  Chapter 26. Gap

  Doctor Sanders didn't advise me against having a relationship with Uno and Blaze. I was initially afraid to tell her, thinking that she'd deem me bad for the girls. However, upon meeting in her office and breaking the news, she simply nodded and wished us well. Her only counseling, aside from reminding me to keep the stress levels low in the household and to be more patient, was to never let myself burn out.

  "There will be some days when you'll feel mentally and emotionally drained," she said. "Loving and taking care of someone with DID can take a toll on anyone. It is imperative that you take time for yourself to do what you love too. Though the focus should be on Blaze and Uno, having alone time or talking to old friends will help you cope with the situation. It will be easier to deal with things when you're happy."

  I had one person in mind when she said to catch up, and that was Carter. Though the phone calls and text messages between us were constant, I felt like I haven't seen him in a while. Recently, he told me that he was dating the person he liked. I recalled him saying the words hot, smart, and exactly his type when he described the guy. After learning this, we scheduled to meet in his shop. Today was the day.

  I went to the kitchen to write a note for Uno, saying that there was food in the fridge in case she got hungry. She stayed up late last night memorizing her lines for the movie. I didn't have the heart to wake her early this morning. "You don't expect me to leave you with Blaze, do you?" she said as I saw her studying the script last night. "I just got here."

  The I just got here statement was more like weeks ago on my eighteenth birthday. After our crazy kiss, Uno took over completely. She didn't want to disappear so soon. That was why she was preparing for the movie too. According to her, she might end up acting in it. As if she had a choice. If only it was that easy to let one personality stay.

  I grabbed the notepad and pen from the counter. Uno, I wrote. There's lasagna in the fridge inside the blue tupperware. After instructing her what to do with it, I scribbled more messages and smiled to myself.

  "What's this?" Uno said beside me, appearing as if by magic. She snatched the note from my hand and read the remaining message aloud. "I'll go to Carter's tea shop. Don't worry about me. Xoxo. Kissy face, smiley face, I want to go to bed with you face."

  I seized the paper from her hand as she smirked at me cockily. "I did not say that," I denied. "Especially the smiley faces." I double checked the message to see if she was right, though I knew she wasn't.

  "Made you look," she said. "Anyway, why are you going to Carter's?"

  I ripped the note from the pad and posted it on the fridge. She didn't need it anymore, but I already made it. "I told you about this the other day. I'm meeting his boyfriend for the first time." Her eyebrows made this weird movements when she heard the word boyfriend, but she didn't say anything. Who was she to complain? We were both gay.

  "You should have woken me," she said. "I missed breakfast."

  "Sometimes sleep is more important than eating, and last night you needed the former. That's why I wrote this for you." I tapped the note on the fridge. "For the lasagna."

  "No other reason?" She fixed her gaze on me.

  "No other reason," I mumbled as I turned away. Having her look at me like that not only unsettled me. It also had the ability to reach deep into my core and tug at my passion. We haven't done anything aside from the kissing in the tree house. It was too soon. My body and soul were more than ready for it. I could feel the electricity of her want zapping me too. But somehow I was confused with who I should actually do it with first, if you get my drift.

  "I'm coming with you," she said. Uno quickly added an, "I need to leave the house. I have a meeting with Doctor Sanders today remember? It will be better if I drop you off to the shop before going there."

  "Okay." I patted my pocket for the van's keys. If she was coming with me, she'd want to drive. Uno always preferred to take the wheel. I fished the keys and handed it to her. "Here," I said. "I'll be your passenger for today."

  "Actually, we're taking another car." She placed the keys on the counter. Huh? Instead of giving me an answer, she checked her watch and said, "Meet me outside after ten. Not a minute too late." I nodded as she went away. Some things never changed.

  Outside, I was surprised to see a white Jeep SUV instead of the usual beat up van that she drove. "Where's the van?" I said as I walked briskly to her. I stared the Jeep up and down. It looked brand new. She tossed me the keys. "You're allowing me to drive today?" I asked. "What did you do to my girlfriend?"

  I saw the smile on her lips before she resumed her poker face. That was a rare sighting. She must have liked the way I called her. Uno opened the front passenger door. "You should drive your own car," she said.

  "For real?!"

  "Hurry before I change my mind. I'm running late."

  When we were in front of Carter's shop, Uno said, "Mind if I take the Jeep with me? I'll pick you after my meeting with the Doctor. If you like." She was usually so demanding. It warmed my heart to hear her considering my feelings this time.

  "Do what you want," I said. "It's yours anyway."

  Uno shook her head firmly. "This Jeep is yours. It's more than a shared gift that Blaze and I are giving you. You also earned it. If you're uncomfortable receiving something like this, then consider it as a staple for your job. No talent manager or fashion designer who meets up with her client survives without a vehicle, especially in this city."

  With the kind of money I was receiving from her, just from her allowance, I could probably buy my own car by now. Even so, it would be rude to turn this gift down. I nodded and said, "Thank you." I took her silence as a signal that she wanted to go on her way.

  "Wait," she said as I opened the door. Uno gave me a quick peck on the cheek. "See you later," she murmured. "I'm always thinking of you."

  Butterflies fluttered on my stomach. "Stay safe baby," I said before going down.

  The Jeep was zooming in the distance when I decided to go inside Carter's tea shop. The door was locked. That was weird. I thought we were meeting today. Since the vertical blinds were drawn, and the glass door had a smoked design, I whipped out my phone and shoot him a quick text to say that I was there. The door opened after a few seconds. He grabbed my hand and dragged me inside, locking the door behind him.

  "You're acting strange," I said. Carter parted the blinds slightly and peered outside. "Do you owe someone money? Dude, I'll help you pay it off."

  He turned to me with a frown. "It's not that Ri. I'm just trying to be careful." Carter tilted his head towards the back of the shop and walked ahead. I followed behind him. He wasn't usually like this. And why was the shop locked?

  A beautiful girl was sitting in our usual corner when we got there. "Hey," Bianca said to me.

  I looked from the emerald eyed girl to Carter in confusion. "Why is she here?" I asked. My eyes widened as I put two and two together. Shit! This wasn't good. "Come here for a second." I yanked Carter's arm and pulled him to the side. Bianca frowned and turned away. "Is she the one you're dating?" I said in a hushed voice.

  "Why are we whispering?" he said. "Yes she is." He smiled wolfishly.

  "I thought you're gay."

  "What? No," he said. Carter looked at me like I lost my mind. "Where did you get that idea?" His voice was getting louder. I pulled his head next to mine.

  "Shhh," I said. "If you're not gay, why are you always looking at muscled men? Every time we walk on the street, I catch you admiring them."

  He snorted. "Because we have this thing called envy. Guess you haven't heard
of that before." I rolled my eyes at him. "Look," he said. "The point is, I'm with Bianca. We met at the charity concert right after you left. You texted me the room you were in remember? When I went there, you were already gone with Uno. My babe was there."

  "Babe?!" I said in disgust. I've never been more appalled to hear him say that, especially since it was Bianca he was referring to. "So what, she just spoke to a total stranger? How nice was that Carter? She's a movie star. She will break your heart."

  He glared at me. "She won't. You don't know her enough to say that. Anyway, she talked to me when she learned that I'm friends with you. Some friend you are. All you seem to do for the past five minutes is badmouth her to me." He crossed his arms in front of his chest. "You're supposed to be my best friend too. I thought you'd be happy for me."

  "What are you guys whispering about?" Bianca asked. "Did I do something wrong?" There she was with her innocent expression again. This girl looked like she wouldn't hurt a fly. At least to a stranger. Uno, Blaze, and I knew her by now. She was nothing but trouble. I glanced hesitantly at my best friend. Damn. He was looking at her like the way I probably looked at my girls. I should talk to him about this later. Much later when Bianca wasn't with us.

  "Nothing babe," Carter said easily. He gave me a look that said be nice, or else. In our entire friendship, Carter and I have never argued. Sure we bickered. Sure we had misunderstandings and miscommunications. But we'd never had an all out war. I didn't want to start today. It was supposed to be a catching up day. "Come on," Carter whispered to me. "And be nice."

  "I am nice," I said. Feeling backed to a corner, I silently pulled a chair near Bianca and sat grudgingly. If there was one thing I learned from Uno, aside from all the theories and emotional things, it was the art of keeping a poker face. I employed that technique while Carter and Bianca stared cheesily at each other. For once in my life, I wanted to puke at the sight.